MJW_01

I am writing now because I need a womans advice. Heres the issue-

My girlfriend (25 y/o) and I (32 y/o) have been together for four years now. I proposed to her two years ago and at first she said yes and then the next day said no. We now have a beautiful daughter together. She has brought up marriage however I now am extremely insecure about it because of the previous turndown.

Now with the current situation- On Easter I came home and overheard a conversation (that i should not have heard) she was having with her friend. She told her that I was a bad father, and that she knew that i was cheating on her (which I was not) and that she had already arranged moving in with her mother. At that point I was extremely hurt and upset and proceeded to tell her that she could leave now and that there was no reason for her to stay. Needless to say she did not move out till the week of July 4th. Now she says that alot of it stemmed from me being gone all the time and not taking her feelings into consideration (guilty again). I currently own a security company and work nights. I was also doing sidework remoldeling a friends basement during the day for approximatly six weeks. During this time period she got the impression that I no longer wanted to be with her and that I was cheating on her. She also stated to me that I became more involved with my friends than i was with her, which i agree that i am guilty of. I began to really pull away and sink into my own little hole. I had asked her to stay but she seemed to have made up her mind stating that she could not take being put in second place anymore, which again i admit that i did. I love this woman with all my heart and truely want to work this out. I dont want my daughter to grow up without a stable home and family as i did. I guess my question now is what can i do to get her to trust that i am willing to change all this and get our relationship back on track?

I just read (in two days) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It gave me a lot of insight on what I had done wrong in the relationship, but told me nothing as far as what to do when a woman has given up on the relationship and moved out. I know I dont need her, but do want her in my life. She fills that void in my life when I feel that i have failed at everything else.

serendipity666

Hi
Im reminded that words are cheap and actions speak volumes. You have lost your way in your relationship. You admit you gave your time in other ways to others which for yourself is cool and valid but not for your G/F.

The book you mention my husband gave me a few years ago. Im not sure its supposed to be taken that seriously and I hope most of us woud know most of the basics anyway.

You are right, you dont need your G/F. The statement about void filling is a worry. Where is the void, when did that start and why do you need A other to fill your own void, I find that a bit puzzling. Conversly your girlfriend accuses you of putting her in second place to your friends, you even admit to being guilty of that. Sorry but your both wrong. You were wrong in thinking she wouldnt notice, care or put up with it. She was wrong to need you so much that not being number 1 in your world was enough to push her and didnt have enough going on within her own life to validate it.

You need to touch base with yourself, as does she. You both have high expectations and for whatever reason your falling short with each other. I would say have a chat wth her, take your portion of the blame which is 50%, no more and no less, you are not totally responsibility. Tell her you understand her resentment towards you, but you do care about her and your daughter and will always be there for them.

No pleading, wailing, promises of change but a positive approach to your own life is what is required. I know you want her but what she needs right now is detachment. Do not bombard her, just give her peace. Your daughter should be your priority above anyone else, including her mother, maybe put your energy into your child, it may make a difference. Whatever you do, do not come across as desperate or needy. More a man who knows he's been an idiot, who will start right now to change not just his words but his actions. Change for yourself though, no one else. If she does comeback, see it only as a bonus not the be all because its not..

serendipity