I posted in a previous section sort of about this, but it's a little different now and I really need some advice on what to do, or at least, hear some input from strangers basically.
Basically my husband didn't return from work last Friday, a week ago now, and hasn't returned to his job (or house) since. I know he's out there though. (I found out through a couple of ways). He's been unemployed all year until July and he's left me and been gone for 48+ hours and up to 10 days six other times this year. Every time without a call or text or anything to let me know where he's at or if he's ok. 2 of the times he said were extenuating circumstances (i.e. he had a specific reason, no proof tho) and one time he said he went to get help for being depressed. But the other times he didn't really give an explanation, just vague things like "I needed to think", and I guess I took it because I was just glad he was back.
I have sort of chalked it up to him being depressed over being unemployed and our crappy financial situation. We don't have a perfect marriage either, though we've been married ten years, we have had some problems in the last two.
But basically I'm wondering, how long should I wait for him to get in contact with me before I start making some drastic changes? Or should I wait at all? I just don't know if I can believe him anymore. He's said every time that he wouldn't disappear again, and then of course, he goes and does it again. He comes home super late from work a lot, and will often promise me he'll be home on time, only to have something come up at the last minute. So it's like I rarely see him anymore anyway. And he's left me without a car for the last four months, despite promising to get it fixed constantly.
So I dunno, I feel like this time it's inexcusable and cowardly what he's done and even if he calls and apologizes or whatever, why should I believe him AGAIN? I'm tired of the lies and tired of wondering every time he goes out, if he's gonna come back, and then when he's gone for 2+ days if I should move on or wait for him to come back. It's a distressing cycle and he won't talk, so I don't even know what his problem is or why he keeps doing this.
Does he use illegal drugs? It's not uncommon for some users of illegal drugs to go off on binges for days on end. The laws of physics would dictate that he has to be going somewhere. If he went to "get help" for depression, there should be some documentation. I
@breeze that's what i'm starting to feel like, that i don't have any other option at this point. i've dealt with it all year and i'm pretty tired of it.
@unbelievable he doesn't have a history of that, no. but i assume there would be other unusual symptoms i'd notice when he was here. other than usually before he takes off, he becomes very withdrawn and quiet and seems to have insomnia. and that might go on for up to a week before he finally takes off. but of course when i try to find out if something's wrong, he assures me that nothing is. =/
If your husband is having sleep problems and being withdrawn, he maight have a psychiatric problems that need to be solved. Most of the time people with psychiatric problems lose insight (and say they are ok). His wondering may be related to his illness. I would advise you to have him evaluated by a psychiatrist.
If he has not mental health problem, I think it is irresponsible act to do this and you should move on with your life.
If he needs help for his depression insist that you acompany him to his counsellor and may be arrange for a couple's counselling. This things may help.
Notice any weight loss, any teeth problems, mouth sores, or odd chemical odors? Insomnia, depression, and lengthy, unexplained absences from daily routines are all symptoms of meth abuse. I'm a cop, so, naturally, I'm overly suspicious, but it might be worth keeping in the back of your mind.
Well, when my husband was doing something similar to this, he was at another woman's place. He was also having his mail sent to her place. I paid for one of those on line "people searches". It revealed all of the addresses my husband had used.
I also see unbelievble's point. It vary well could be drugs. The point is your husband isn't where he is supposed to be. I think you have been more than patient.
Wow....he's left you for days at a time 6 times this year? And you're still there?
Clearly, he has a problem. The question is...what is the problem? Does he have some mental health issue, drug problem, something that your love and commitment could help him overcome? Or is he cheating, or just flat out disrespecting you?
I think it's time you start asking questions. Like where do you go, what do you do, why can't you call me and tell me you're ok? And if he won't answer those questions, or those answers aren't satisfactory, then it's time to think about leaving, I think.
I wouldn't be able to deal with that. My boyfriend is an otr truck driver, so he's gone for 3 weeks at a time, but we talk every day and I always have a general idea of where he is and where he's going, how he's getting there. It's simple respect and courtesy.
This is truly bizarre and frightening behavior. If he is not involved in something illicit or immoral, then he could be having some type of mental health crisis. I'd get professional help, just so you know that he is NOT in a crisis--insist on an appointment with a doctor and the two of you, and an explanation for this behavior. Your point should be: "if you are mentally ill and/or in a crisis, then we work on it together. Otherwise, I am gone." Honestly, I suspect another woman but the fear that he is just hopeless and lost would guide me to making one more effort to find out what is wrong.
do you have children together? If so, he is their father and you want to help him if he's sick or addicted. BUT, if he will not admit what is going on, you cannot help him and you cannot continue to live like this. His behavior is inexcusable and, if there are kids, it is horrible to put them in the state of fear.
If no kids are involved, I'd just make sure he gets professional help if he is suicidal--take him to an ER. If he is depressed and suicidal, you will probably want to help him IF he is willing to be helped. If not, then you have to accept that you cannot save him. Tough, but essential (btdt). You make sure he gets help and then move on to live your life, unburdened by the guilt of whatever he chooses to do (not easy, but doable).
If it turns out he's just with another woman, kick him to the curb. He has treated you horribly and nothing but a mental health crisis is forgivable, imho.
well...this is all food for thought. other than the drastically changed physical appearance, there are some meth user signs, and the depression is something i've suspected for awhile. but again, he said he went to get help for that. though, of course, he does all this without telling me until days later.
the frustrating thing is obviously that when he disappears like this, i can't get ahold of him and he won't contact me. but the fact that he's left his job like this, a job he just got, is sort of the last straw for me. it's like he just doesn't care about anything anymore and since he shuts me out, i can't do anything to help him either.
so i dunno, i think i should just move on, and no we don't have any kids for those that asked. and he can figure things out himself since that's what he seems to want to do.
If no kids together, what are you waiting for? He has no love or respect at all. Don't waste your time with this man. Have your life the way you want it to be.
I thought you had kids together and advised you for the sake of the kids and the family. This is the time to move out and figure out your life on your own, I think.
We all occupy space. It's a simple fact of physics. We leave evidence in each of those places. If we went to the store, there is a receipt, a surveillance video, a clerk for a witness, a purchase, and a reduction in our funds to show we were there. If we go to the hospital, there is a mountain of paper to attest we were there. If we had surgery, there is a scar. There are bills. If I can't produce some evidence of where I was for days, it's because I don't want to, which means I was up to no good, or I was abducted by space aliens.
You should insist on knowing where he is when he is gone. What does he do for money when he leaves? It certainly sounds as if he may be on drugs but you know him better than me. I was also a cop for many years. Have you asked his family or friends?
By the way, you can do some research for him online while he is away. If you have a credit card, see where his charges are during this time. If you have a joint cell phone account you may be able to log in and see which calls he is making during this time. If your health provider has a website, you can also log in to see any claims activity during his absence. During his absence I would also call the local police and find out if he was arrested during that time.
You have a right to know where he is and you have a right to snoop and see what he is doing during that time.
If you suspect drugs, you can buy a drug test and insist he take the test in front of you. If he refuses you may know your answer.
You have to put his feet to the fire on this or you may be surprised one day when he leaves you for someone else, gets arrested, or something worse. You, his wife does not deserve this.
that's the thing, i don't really know who his friends are, because they're usually his coworkers, he's estranged from his family, has been since i've known him. he doesn't usually carry a credit card, and never when he disappears and he usually shuts his cell phone off when he disappears as well. so all i usually have is his gas card to follow, and often he doesn't use it either when he's gone.
this time he did, however, so i'm pretty sure he doesn't intend to come back. especially since i told him the last time that i wasn't going to put up with it again. furthermore, this is definitely the first time he's taken off AND quit his job.
but i do agree with unbelievable, he should have been able to provide me some proof of where he said he was all the previous times he's left this year