I'm a married guy (11yrs) who loves his wife and son aged 6yrs. I am aserving Soldier and have recently returned from operations. I was away for about 4 mths.
The situation/background is this:
Our son is autistic and my wife has found it difficult to cope since i have been away, although she won't admit it.
She has started & almost finished a year long study at home course which she finds extremely difficult to do herself.
My son was in hospital towards the end of my deployment and my brother in law came over from the UK to where we are stationed to assist my wife.
He stressed my wife out and he overstayed his welcome which in turn ,made my wife more streesed.
My wife at the minute has also been diagnosed with some ovarian cyst's which are getting sorted in hospital next week.
I feel at the minute that my wife's coping mechanism's are beyond breaking point and that shee is finding normal every day stuff a struggle. I have spoken to our Doctor who has signed my wife of sick until she has had her operation. My wife has also made an appointment with a pshyciatrist at my request as i don't know how to help her anymore.
When i returned home i made love to my wife and by doing so have caused / highlighted further problems down below this in turn makes me feel responsible for her being un well.
I have spoken to my wife this morning after a terrible argument last night where i told her that i think she needs to see a proffesional to help her with her current problems. Ihate arguing with my wife and have tried to offer her my help to the point that i now feel i have tried my hardest and have no more advice to give, i feel drained, I had a hard time out on Op's and have discussed this with no one as i feel that i can't speak to my wife as she has enough on her plate already.
Our son is a handful and i have helped with him scince coming back to the best of my ability. Ive booked a vacation for us all towards the end of the month we all need a break.
It's 1.20 AM over here now my wife is asleep and im downstairs trying to catch up on house chores to try and enable some free time to be had later today, so that we can all go out somewhere to try and have some family quality time.
At the minute i feel exhausted and im trying to 'Soldier on' i do have my own faults as well and i don't think that im perfect by any means. I just feel that my wifes priorites at the minute are all wrong and she should be trying to take it easy as she is in some amount of pain.
All my wife seems to want to do / her highest priority is this course that she is really struggling with, No other chores are getting done and i feel like a skivvy.
im i being unreasonable?
i just want my normal wife, my son's Mummy back...not this work obssesed b*tch that is in my home at the minute.
First, I'd like to commend you for being there for your wife. I'm sure taking care of your son day in and day out, plus other things, has put additional stress on your wife. I think I can identify with your wife. Back in my younger days, I was dealing with twins and their older brother (by 3 years). My husband worked all the time, so they were my responsibility every day. Then one day I got sick with some really strange symptoms. Not only did I have some strange symptoms, but my nerves were shot. My immune system was not functioning and many test were run. I saw all kind of doctors. Finally, an edocrinologist diagnosed the problem. I bring this up because you mentioned your wife has ovarian cyst and her mood swings. That was me; there were days I couldn't stand myself either. The problem turned out to be that I am "insulin resistant", or something that used to be called "poly-cystic ovary syndrome". If that's the problem, there are great medications for the problem now. I thought it might be worth mentioning. Hope everything works out for you and your wife.
Maybe your wife is thinking about what she can control. She can't control your son's autism, her cysts, or her hormones, or your deployments but she can decide to conquer this course, no matter how difficult it may be. Without comment on how difficult the course is, ask her what she hopes to gain by completing it. What makes it so important, what's the goal? Maybe she feels like a failure in some regard and this is the only thing she is determined not to fail at, bless her heart. Perhaps the better route would be to offer your help with the course instead of urging her to drop it.
Do you guys have a support group with other families with special needs? The military may have programs and information on how to cope as well as perks for mothers with deployed husbands. That may be more helpful than a psychiatrist, unless you think your wife has a mental illness beyond stress and physical induced hormonal fluctuations. If anything, a class on stress management might help. Some hospitals offer them. Relaxation is a very good idea, not just in a vacation, but in the daily routine.
I wish I could offer more. Best wishes and kudos for being a caring, patient husband!
It sounds to me like you are doing everything you need to do and then some. You are doing chores at 1am to make family time, you are planning activities, you are taking care of the kid to give her a break. I think you are just going to have to keep being there and helping out, and wait until some of these things pass.
- How much longer is the course? Make sure you have a very special reward planned when she completes it, and keep the encouragement coming. Once that ends (hopefully soon) that will hopefully be one load off.
- Sometimes its not the message, its the messenger. It is possible that your wife acknowledges the validity of everything you are saying, but just doesn't take it seriously because it comes from you. We see this all the time with kids and their parents, and its just a sad fact of life. Like Cindy said with the support group -- perhaps she can meet others who can help her, and perhaps the message will sink in.
I'm wondering if you've sought any counseling yourself. The amount of stress factors placed on your family is probably off the charts. You may be getting under each other's skin from all the pressure and just naturally lash out. When my children were toddlers, there were days where I literally thought I had lost my mind. My husband worked long hours and I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. You may need some professional advice on how to help (even if it's just listening) when you're home. I feel for both of you. I'm so thankful for families like you-- both the courageous men who serve and the remaining family members at home who support. I'll keep you in my prayers. Also, I know the chores have to be done, but make sure you're getting enough sleep. Problems become magnified and MUCH more difficult to manage on little sleep.
First and foremost thank you for serving our country.
I have read through several of the responses that you have received and agree with all of them.
Just know that there are good stresses that give people a sense of fulfillment and that perhaps this course that your wife is taking is solely for self-gratification which is exactly what she needs right now. She needs to know and feel that she is more then a wonderful wife and mother....she needs that sense of acomplishment.
Only another soldier can really empathize with what you went through during your tour. The same is said for your wife....give her space to make her own decisions, she will know when to slow down, and continue giving her as much support as you have been.
A womans point of view please
