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Old 07-16-2008, 04:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

I need a woman's pov on this, please. I'm a 32 year old man, and I've been with the love of my life for 10 years. We have a wonderful little boy together, and I thought things between us were great. I used to say "it'll rain whales before my wife ever cheats on me."

Last Friday night, Shamu landed in my lap. My wife confessed to having had a year long affair with another man (and I use that term loosely). I was shook to the core. I trembled all over. I guess she thought that, even though I've never, ever raised a hand to her, that I would hit her after she dropped that bomb on me. I did not. She began crying, and I held her. I hugged her. I kissed her forehead.

I told her that I couldn't understand why she did this to me and our son, but that I still loved her. She cheated on me for a whole year. She even slept with her...thing...in my own bed
while I was at work. She performed...favors...on him and later on kissed me!

Was I furious? You better believe it. But, let me give you the backstory. My wife and I were madly in love when we first got together. It pained us to be apart for even a day. You know that feeling, right?

We got married when she was 19 and I was 24. Now, there has not been ONE SINGLE DAY that I have not pulled my wife to me, held her against my chest, kissed her, and told her how beautiful she is to me. I would regularly do things like order cds she mentioned wanting from Amazon, and have them shipped to her work as a nice surprise now and again. I just adore her, even in light of her affair.

But, at some point I guess I shut her out in other ways without ever realizing I was doing so. She got lonely, and she finally, in a moment of desperation, gave in to the wiles of a guy she'd befriended. She thought he loved her, and she had strong feelings for him. Guess what? He didn't care about her at all.
They ended it 7 months prior to me having found out about it.

She bitterly wept for what she'd done. She said "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I f***ked up everything. You're a wonderful man and I ruined you." I toyed with the idea of having revenge sex with some loose girl, but the idea of touching any woman other than my wife literally makes me nauseous. I even tried to go
to a strip club, but only made it as far as my driver's seat. I could not hurt her the way she did me. I did and do still love her completely.

For the first 3 days I sat and stewed. I mean I was a powder keg. I loved her as much as ever, but this pain was unbearable. I finally just snapped. I literally went insane for an hour or so. I smashed every mirror in our bedroom, her vanity, and all her cosmetics. I was so hurt, and still am. Today, after having gotten the rage out of my system, I forgave her. I told her "I just want to be with you. To love you. You're still the wonderful girl I've always loved. You just made a mistake in a moment of emotional weakness."

We decided to remain friends and live together for our child's sake. We've actually been carrying on like best friends all day, and it's been great. Till I overheard her talking to some guy on her cell phone. He had a deep voice, and it resonated well enough for me to hear. It's this guy she met at a club.

He's some med student with a genius iq (mine is only 128, so I guess I can't compare with that). I'm reasonably intelligent, but not in his league. Well, she has told me now that she feels
she married too young, and never got to date around, and she's really excited about doing that. She wants to...I don't know. She refuses to even attempt to repair what we've both had a hand in damaging.
She said to me "I'm still young. I want to enjoy life and experience all these different things."

I just wish I could make her see that the dating scene is not going to fulfill her. She's liable to get hurt, even. All the while, I'll still be here, loving her, waiting for her, ready to accept.

Ladies, how do I get her back? How do I get this nonsense out of her about dating around? She has a child with me, for God's sake! I've cried more in the last 5 days than in the last 25 years combined. I'm in such pain and agony.

She says she loves me dearly, but she doesn't want to try.

Please, advise me. I don't want to date again. I'm 32, have a child, don't make a lot of money, so I don't have a lot to offer someone. I have loyalty and love in spades, but that's about it. I just want to make it work with the woman I love.
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Old 07-16-2008, 08:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

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Originally Posted by ADestroyedMan View Post
I don't want to date again. I'm 32, have a child, don't make a lot of money, so I don't have a lot to offer someone. I have loyalty and love in spades, but that's about it. I just want to make it work with the woman I love.
I am not a woman but felt compelled to tell you that you sound like someone that she is going to regret letting go of, probably for the rest of her life. Having a child and not having a lot of money don't mean a thing, not to anyone that matters. My own marriage is about to end and I have felt your desperation to make her see what she is giving up and that the path she is on will only lead to pain and hurt for her. But if I've learned one thing from my experience it's that there is nothing you can do or say to convince her of that. Unfortunately she feels that it's more important to make up for missed time in the dating world. She will learn in time that dating is not all she thought it would be and she will long for the security and love that you gave her.

I know from experience that you want someone to tell you that she will change her mind, that there is some magic words that you can say to make her see what a terrible mistake she is making, but the truth is that she already knows deep down and she just doesn't care and will follow this path to it's destructive end and then will most likely be searching the rest of her life for what she already had. Unfortunately you cannot wait around for that realization to come. You need to think about yourself and your son and that means moving on. It won't be easy and the compulsion to hang on for dear life will be strong...but trust me when I say that this is a mistake she needs to make and not one that you should be responsible for picking up the pieces for. If you are as good a man as you sound like, you will find someone else that has already made the mistakes she is about to and that person will not take you for granted like your wife has.

Be strong and believe in yourself. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. You need to take care of yourself so please don't let her keep you waiting for a miracle that will not come. Until she gets this need to date out of her system and realizes the reality of it she won't be able to get past it. Even if she changed her mind tomorrow and came back, the pull of that life will always be there and you will just be in the same boat somewhere down the line.
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Old 07-16-2008, 10:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

I understand your pain and I hope for the best for you. I am also a guy who`s wife cheated and I know how bad it feels. However I do not think I am in any place to give advise because I am also seeking advise. I just hope everything works out for you. As far as money and kids go; Regardless of what happens to you and your wife you will allways be connected through your child. Money is not even part of the equation. I also thought about cheating on her to get even but I do not think thats the answer. You sound like a good guy and if you cheat on your wife you could also be hurting some one else who is innocent. It`s not woth it for revenge. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 07-16-2008, 01:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

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I understand your pain and I hope for the best for you. I am also a guy who`s wife cheated and I know how bad it feels. However I do not think I am in any place to give advise because I am also seeking advise. I just hope everything works out for you. As far as money and kids go; Regardless of what happens to you and your wife you will allways be connected through your child. Money is not even part of the equation. I also thought about cheating on her to get even but I do not think thats the answer. You sound like a good guy and if you cheat on your wife you could also be hurting some one else who is innocent. It`s not woth it for revenge. Just my 2 cents.
Cheating to get back at my wife was not an option in my eyes. The one thing that makes me feel good about things is that when the marriage is officially over I will know that I was faithful to the end and did everything that could be expected of a betrayed husband and then some to save the marriage. My credibility will be very important to me when moving on with my life.
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Old 08-03-2008, 11:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

I'm sorry that you are going through this and hope that things work themselves out as you would like them to but in the interim you must be prepared to let her go.

This happens to many young couples who get into serious relationships before "exploring the world." I know this because I was a participant and a victim all at once. Although it wasn't a marriage and we did not have children, my partner at the time was 18yrs old and I was 16 years old. We had nothing but an education to work toward and were perfectly happy. We lasted five years before we grew apart. He became Mr. Corporate America after graduating from college and decided that he needed a break, all of a sudden he questioned his ability to commit.

I was devasted. I thought we lived for each other and did not know how to deal with the situation at hand. I couldn't stand being in my room because everything reminded me of him so I temporarily moved in with one of my close friends for about two months before returning home.

Some people can be with the same person forever and not even flirt with the thought of being with another person, while other people need that experience to fill whatever void they have within themselves.

Bottom line is that you can't controll or modify your partners desires, you can only controll your own. Feel out your feelings and then determine if you want to wait for her emotional return.

All the Best..
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Old 10-19-2010, 12:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Nomoby is content. The US wan't more money. Tiger wanted more women. Children want better mobile phones.

All these are trivialities compared to practical life. This fantasy life that women demand, is largeley the result of their upbringing.

Cinderella's Life
Slaving for the boss. Handsome Prince with lots of money saves her. Married "happily ever after".

Real Life
Slaving for the boss. Meet someone. Move in. Stress of meeting rent payments, launrdy etc. Get hitched. THEN the tests begin. Conflict, arguements etc etc.

The female was subconsiously taught that life would be perfect.

Although it's fairytales, females are more susceptible to interpreting these stories on an emotional level, and feeling dissapointed at the inevitable outcome.

Women these days are more likely to cheat, scheming, hurtful, and not worthy of the love bestowed upon them.

My advice, run for the hills. Women are cheating time-bombs.

THe issues from the past will never be satisfied or fuly resolved.

Don't lie on your deathbed, hoping that a **** is a saint.
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Old 10-19-2010, 01:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

Well, first, a little reassurance: Having a child and not much money are not dealbreakers for a woman necessarily. I have a boyfriend, so I'm not looking, but if I were single and looking, you sound like the kind of guy I'd be looking for.

Second, if you want to make it work with her, she also has to want to make it work with you. If you're not both committed to making it work, then it won't work.

If she wants to date around, that means separation or divorce. It's possible that after dating for a bit, she'll realize what she has in you and want to come home. But...you also have to be careful about giving her too much time and too much freedom. If it were me, and I were going to separate with the hope of getting back together, I don't think I'd give more than 6 months. If they don't know in 6 months what they want, then you make the decision for them and end it.

Be assured, money or not, child or not, you sound like a great catch and I very seriously doubt that you would spend much time alone if you did end up divorced. And I can also tell you that it is quite likely that if it ends, your wife will end up regretting it.
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

Let her date and have sex with other men,or women. Tell her that you are going to do the same. You want to grow also and experience life. Try it together first. If you find that this is the way it's going to be, so be it. If not, all you did was have a valuable life experience that would help you to cope with change.
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Old 10-20-2010, 02:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Wow. You have so much courage and compassion. There needs to be more men like you that have so much love for their wife. She must have been very vulnerable to have let that happen, and I bet she is feeling awful for what happened. Obviously, her love for you is even more important than anything,b ecause she was super honest with you which takes GUTS and a whole lots of courage.

I see nothing but good prospects for this situation. I hope that you two can recognize the love you have for eachother.

Hmmm . . . . as far as advice goes, I recommend reading this book : Magic Of Making Up | How To Get Your Ex Back | Relationship Advice | Break Up Advice

It will help you learn what steps you need to take to grow from this experience and continue to have a rewarding relationship.

All my best to you and your wife.
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Old 10-20-2010, 03:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

Let her go so that she can come back. It's the hardest thing to do but I think it is the only way.

You sound like an amazing man. I hope things work out for you.
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Old 10-23-2010, 08:48 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

Destroyed,

You have my sympathies, you're clearly a good man, as several folks have written, the problem is your w's.

I see you are in love with her, I can only tell you time will make life better, there are no magic words. For your w the grass is greener, I think she'll find it is astroturf or spray painted.

I know more than one good man once married to a young, innocent woman, a decade later learns his W want to experience life. What happens is he gets grabbed before he has time to get a haircut, while she finds that a single mom with a kid is a lot less attractive to decent men than she ever imagined.

She'll find that she can get f***** pretty easily, but only in short term relationships. Within a year she realizes she made a terrible mistake while your new lady friend has redecorated your house and made you forget a lot of the pain you are now experiencing.

Good luck,

Mark

Quote:
Originally Posted by ADestroyedMan View Post
I need a woman's pov on this, please. I'm a 32 year old man, and I've been with the love of my life for 10 years. We have a wonderful little boy together, and I thought things between us were great. I used to say "it'll rain whales before my wife ever cheats on me."

Last Friday night, Shamu landed in my lap. My wife confessed to having had a year long affair with another man (and I use that term loosely). I was shook to the core. I trembled all over. I guess she thought that, even though I've never, ever raised a hand to her, that I would hit her after she dropped that bomb on me. I did not. She began crying, and I held her. I hugged her. I kissed her forehead.

I told her that I couldn't understand why she did this to me and our son, but that I still loved her. She cheated on me for a whole year. She even slept with her...thing...in my own bed
while I was at work. She performed...favors...on him and later on kissed me!

Was I furious? You better believe it. But, let me give you the backstory. My wife and I were madly in love when we first got together. It pained us to be apart for even a day. You know that feeling, right?

We got married when she was 19 and I was 24. Now, there has not been ONE SINGLE DAY that I have not pulled my wife to me, held her against my chest, kissed her, and told her how beautiful she is to me. I would regularly do things like order cds she mentioned wanting from Amazon, and have them shipped to her work as a nice surprise now and again. I just adore her, even in light of her affair.

But, at some point I guess I shut her out in other ways without ever realizing I was doing so. She got lonely, and she finally, in a moment of desperation, gave in to the wiles of a guy she'd befriended. She thought he loved her, and she had strong feelings for him. Guess what? He didn't care about her at all.
They ended it 7 months prior to me having found out about it.

She bitterly wept for what she'd done. She said "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I f***ked up everything. You're a wonderful man and I ruined you." I toyed with the idea of having revenge sex with some loose girl, but the idea of touching any woman other than my wife literally makes me nauseous. I even tried to go
to a strip club, but only made it as far as my driver's seat. I could not hurt her the way she did me. I did and do still love her completely.

For the first 3 days I sat and stewed. I mean I was a powder keg. I loved her as much as ever, but this pain was unbearable. I finally just snapped. I literally went insane for an hour or so. I smashed every mirror in our bedroom, her vanity, and all her cosmetics. I was so hurt, and still am. Today, after having gotten the rage out of my system, I forgave her. I told her "I just want to be with you. To love you. You're still the wonderful girl I've always loved. You just made a mistake in a moment of emotional weakness."

We decided to remain friends and live together for our child's sake. We've actually been carrying on like best friends all day, and it's been great. Till I overheard her talking to some guy on her cell phone. He had a deep voice, and it resonated well enough for me to hear. It's this guy she met at a club.

He's some med student with a genius iq (mine is only 128, so I guess I can't compare with that). I'm reasonably intelligent, but not in his league. Well, she has told me now that she feels
she married too young, and never got to date around, and she's really excited about doing that. She wants to...I don't know. She refuses to even attempt to repair what we've both had a hand in damaging.
She said to me "I'm still young. I want to enjoy life and experience all these different things."

I just wish I could make her see that the dating scene is not going to fulfill her. She's liable to get hurt, even. All the while, I'll still be here, loving her, waiting for her, ready to accept.

Ladies, how do I get her back? How do I get this nonsense out of her about dating around? She has a child with me, for God's sake! I've cried more in the last 5 days than in the last 25 years combined. I'm in such pain and agony.

She says she loves me dearly, but she doesn't want to try.

Please, advise me. I don't want to date again. I'm 32, have a child, don't make a lot of money, so I don't have a lot to offer someone. I have loyalty and love in spades, but that's about it. I just want to make it work with the woman I love.
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Old 10-23-2010, 11:12 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?

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I see you are in love with her, I can only tell you time will make life better, there are no magic words. For your w the grass is greener, I think she'll find it is astroturf or spray painted.
I like this comment. Very true in many of these cases.

Your wife is clearly looking for more excitement in her life, so GIVE IT TO HER. Do not dismiss these feelings she has, they are not likely to change, so BE this man she is thinking she will find outside of the marraige. New, Vibrant, passionate, Erotic , maybe even a little dark & mysterious.

Your love is too unconditonal in my humble opionion, sometimes us women get bored with this: You are too easy, too available, too loving, too doting, we know you will forgive anything we do, so we take advantage of this . I know one poster mentioned she must love you very much to be so honest, but it can also be that she knows no matter what she does (as clearly proven here by your story), your love will REMAIN, be available to her, never shut off, endless supply, so why not tell ?

She has lost "attraction" to you in some way. You need to get this back. Where did this go wrong, by the way ??

Have you ever done ANYTHING that has aroused her Jealousy towards you? I think this would be a good place to start. NOt necessarily an affair, but give her -her space, but make da** sure she understands you also will be meeting women while she is out doing her thing. If she feels (for the 1st time) that you may not be waiting for her - it may cause her to Pause, take inventory of what she has to LOOSE. As she is getting YOUR attention , YOU need to be equally getting hers!!

Seriously. NO more be so unconditionally loving. This does not work for all women. Some of us are pathetically spoiled and need to be shown that our good men may just not always be there for us, that our pedestrol has been taken down, and another can be put on it!

Great book here about how to have an "Affair" with your spouse, to bring back the passion, the exhileration, the newness of the dating years- this book speaks of arousing the jealousy -for the purpose of renewing passion, when it has been lost.

Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 10-23-2010 at 11:20 AM.
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Old 10-23-2010, 11:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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ADM - You may be better posting in the infidelity forum if you want practical advice. But having lived through more or less exactly what you are going through, here's what I would have done in retrospect.

1. You need to separate. Or I should say, she needs to move out. Right now she is cake-eating - getting the security of your presence in the house, with the "freedom" to go date. It's emotionally cruel to you. If she wants to date, that is her choice, but you have no obligation to be babysitter while she is doing it.

2. Go no contact with her. Kids and money conversation only. Don't get baited into relationship talks until she is willing to return to the marriage. The fact is you are not best friends. She is your wife. If she wants to get divorced, she becomes an ex wife.

3. Get yourself a life. Find things that make you happy. Take care of yourself. Move on. You are way more attractive to her as a strong, independent man who doesn't need her, then you are as a needy, desperate romantic.

4. Educate yourself on affairs. A forum like this is a good start. There are a number of books. Divorce Busters has a concept called a "walk away wife" that may explain the situation to you. Read, learn, read, learn...

5. Exercise. You need a physical outlet for your aggression and sadness. Pound it out at the gym, running track, or whatever. Exercise is key to helping you manage your emotions.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Reason and logic aren't going to help you right now as she is off on her own agenda. She's getting off on the attention from other men, and enabling it by sharing the house, will just hurt you. It's time for you to act in your own best interest.
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Old 10-23-2010, 02:56 PM   #14 (permalink)
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>>BE this man she is thinking she will find outside of the marraige. New, Vibrant, passionate, Erotic , maybe even a little dark & mysterious.<<

In a word, dominant.

Right, SA?
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Old 10-23-2010, 05:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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>>BE this man she is thinking she will find outside of the marraige. New, Vibrant, passionate, Erotic , maybe even a little dark & mysterious.<<

In a word, dominant.

Right, SA?
Yeah, pretty much, but I also like the term "Confident" or let's add "Sexually confident" in it's place here. Another poster said this and I have to agree, it sits better with me many times in these discussions.
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