ADestroyedMan

I need a woman's pov on this, please. I'm a 32 year old man, and I've been with the love of my life for 10 years. We have a wonderful little boy together, and I thought things between us were great. I used to say "it'll rain whales before my wife ever cheats on me."

Last Friday night, Shamu landed in my lap. My wife confessed to having had a year long affair with another man (and I use that term loosely). I was shook to the core. I trembled all over. I guess she thought that, even though I've never, ever raised a hand to her, that I would hit her after she dropped that bomb on me. I did not. She began crying, and I held her. I hugged her. I kissed her forehead.

I told her that I couldn't understand why she did this to me and our son, but that I still loved her. She cheated on me for a whole year. She even slept with her...thing...in my own bed
while I was at work. She performed...favors...on him and later on kissed me!

Was I furious? You better believe it. But, let me give you the backstory. My wife and I were madly in love when we first got together. It pained us to be apart for even a day. You know that feeling, right?

We got married when she was 19 and I was 24. Now, there has not been ONE SINGLE DAY that I have not pulled my wife to me, held her against my chest, kissed her, and told her how beautiful she is to me. I would regularly do things like order cds she mentioned wanting from Amazon, and have them shipped to her work as a nice surprise now and again. I just adore her, even in light of her affair.

But, at some point I guess I shut her out in other ways without ever realizing I was doing so. She got lonely, and she finally, in a moment of desperation, gave in to the wiles of a guy she'd befriended. She thought he loved her, and she had strong feelings for him. Guess what? He didn't care about her at all.
They ended it 7 months prior to me having found out about it.

She bitterly wept for what she'd done. She said "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I f***ked up everything. You're a wonderful man and I ruined you." I toyed with the idea of having revenge sex with some loose girl, but the idea of touching any woman other than my wife literally makes me nauseous. I even tried to go
to a strip club, but only made it as far as my driver's seat. I could not hurt her the way she did me. I did and do still love her completely.

For the first 3 days I sat and stewed. I mean I was a powder keg. I loved her as much as ever, but this pain was unbearable. I finally just snapped. I literally went insane for an hour or so. I smashed every mirror in our bedroom, her vanity, and all her cosmetics. I was so hurt, and still am. Today, after having gotten the rage out of my system, I forgave her. I told her "I just want to be with you. To love you. You're still the wonderful girl I've always loved. You just made a mistake in a moment of emotional weakness."

We decided to remain friends and live together for our child's sake. We've actually been carrying on like best friends all day, and it's been great. Till I overheard her talking to some guy on her cell phone. He had a deep voice, and it resonated well enough for me to hear. It's this guy she met at a club.

He's some med student with a genius iq (mine is only 128, so I guess I can't compare with that). I'm reasonably intelligent, but not in his league. Well, she has told me now that she feels
she married too young, and never got to date around, and she's really excited about doing that. She wants to...I don't know. She refuses to even attempt to repair what we've both had a hand in damaging.
She said to me "I'm still young. I want to enjoy life and experience all these different things."

I just wish I could make her see that the dating scene is not going to fulfill her. She's liable to get hurt, even. All the while, I'll still be here, loving her, waiting for her, ready to accept.

Ladies, how do I get her back? How do I get this nonsense out of her about dating around? She has a child with me, for God's sake! I've cried more in the last 5 days than in the last 25 years combined. I'm in such pain and agony.

She says she loves me dearly, but she doesn't want to try.

Please, advise me. I don't want to date again. I'm 32, have a child, don't make a lot of money, so I don't have a lot to offer someone. I have loyalty and love in spades, but that's about it. I just want to make it work with the woman I love.

LostandAlone

I am not a woman but felt compelled to tell you that you sound like someone that she is going to regret letting go of, probably for the rest of her life. Having a child and not having a lot of money don't mean a thing, not to anyone that matters. My own marriage is about to end and I have felt your desperation to make her see what she is giving up and that the path she is on will only lead to pain and hurt for her. But if I've learned one thing from my experience it's that there is nothing you can do or say to convince her of that. Unfortunately she feels that it's more important to make up for missed time in the dating world. She will learn in time that dating is not all she thought it would be and she will long for the security and love that you gave her.

I know from experience that you want someone to tell you that she will change her mind, that there is some magic words that you can say to make her see what a terrible mistake she is making, but the truth is that she already knows deep down and she just doesn't care and will follow this path to it's destructive end and then will most likely be searching the rest of her life for what she already had. Unfortunately you cannot wait around for that realization to come. You need to think about yourself and your son and that means moving on. It won't be easy and the compulsion to hang on for dear life will be strong...but trust me when I say that this is a mistake she needs to make and not one that you should be responsible for picking up the pieces for. If you are as good a man as you sound like, you will find someone else that has already made the mistakes she is about to and that person will not take you for granted like your wife has.

Be strong and believe in yourself. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. You need to take care of yourself so please don't let her keep you waiting for a miracle that will not come. Until she gets this need to date out of her system and realizes the reality of it she won't be able to get past it. Even if she changed her mind tomorrow and came back, the pull of that life will always be there and you will just be in the same boat somewhere down the line.

JOEY

I understand your pain and I hope for the best for you. I am also a guy who`s wife cheated and I know how bad it feels. However I do not think I am in any place to give advise because I am also seeking advise. I just hope everything works out for you. As far as money and kids go; Regardless of what happens to you and your wife you will allways be connected through your child. Money is not even part of the equation. I also thought about cheating on her to get even but I do not think thats the answer. You sound like a good guy and if you cheat on your wife you could also be hurting some one else who is innocent. It`s not woth it for revenge. Just my 2 cents.

LostandAlone

Cheating to get back at my wife was not an option in my eyes. The one thing that makes me feel good about things is that when the marriage is officially over I will know that I was faithful to the end and did everything that could be expected of a betrayed husband and then some to save the marriage. My credibility will be very important to me when moving on with my life.

CaryLeb

I'm sorry that you are going through this and hope that things work themselves out as you would like them to but in the interim you must be prepared to let her go.

This happens to many young couples who get into serious relationships before "exploring the world." I know this because I was a participant and a victim all at once. Although it wasn't a marriage and we did not have children, my partner at the time was 18yrs old and I was 16 years old. We had nothing but an education to work toward and were perfectly happy. We lasted five years before we grew apart. He became Mr. Corporate America after graduating from college and decided that he needed a break, all of a sudden he questioned his ability to commit.

I was devasted. I thought we lived for each other and did not know how to deal with the situation at hand. I couldn't stand being in my room because everything reminded me of him so I temporarily moved in with one of my close friends for about two months before returning home.

Some people can be with the same person forever and not even flirt with the thought of being with another person, while other people need that experience to fill whatever void they have within themselves.

Bottom line is that you can't controll or modify your partners desires, you can only controll your own. Feel out your feelings and then determine if you want to wait for her emotional return.

All the Best..