Desperate for advice

Precious · 07-16-2008, 01:13 PM

I'm new at this and I'm not sure where to begin. I discovered four months ago that my husband was in the beginning stages of an affair. I found text messages and phone calls on the phone bill (hundreds in a five week period of time). I confronted him and he said that nothing physical had happened yet. He knew that what he was doing was unacceptable in our marriage. He told me that he loves me but he is not in love with me. He said that he did not want a divorce. Two weeks after I found the text messages and he was going to cut all contact with this person I found emails where he was telling her how beautiful she was, he missed her and her beautiful smile, he wanted her so bad it hurt. This has been devastating he has been married twice before me and he has NEVER done anything like this, he has always been the one getting hurt. This just isn't his personality. I felt that things weren't right between us and would try to talk about it. He said he just didn't have to have sex. He was forty and he can just do without it now. I have tried everything to get his attention, texting and emailing during the day, notes, lingerie, gifts and etc. He has never refused sex but he will not initiate it. He will not show affection in public. He never compliments me on ANYTHING. When I bring it up he agrees he doesn't do these things and he should but it doesn't change. He vows that he loves me and this is where he wants to be. Please help!

Missy · 07-16-2008, 07:34 PM

He is emotionally attaching himself to other things and people and disconnecting from you most likely from fear of being hurt again. He knows what he needs to do, but is deep down emotionally scared. That is not fair to you and cannot do anything but harm to your marriage. I dont think he is in love with the other person, but likes the feelings they give off and the fact that it is detached. If you want to keep this marriage then you two have to learn a new way of communicating and he needs to do some soul searching. If he wants this relationship to last and not fail like the others he has to be willing to engage and meet your needs just as much as you are willing to meet the needs of others. One of the biggest signs of cheaters is telling their spouse I love you but I am not in love with you. One of my first questions is explain that to me and describe what being "In Love" with me means. Not in a negative way but he needs to do some real soul searching and figure out what IN LOVE means to him and how the two of you can acheive that if you are going to work out.

Precious · 07-17-2008, 11:35 AM

Missy, It sounds like you've experienced a similar relationship or either have a license to counsel. Thanks for the advice. I'm desperate not only to save my marriage but to have a healthy, productive and mutually satisfying relationship with the man that I love. Thanks.

Missy · 07-17-2008, 06:32 PM

I am glad I could help. My friends often tell me I should have a license to counsel, but truthfully life experience has taught me. I really hope it works out for you and your husband.