No intimacy in marriage

bluegirl · 07-19-2008, 11:22 PM

I have been married for almost 5 hears. My husband and I have a baby (20 months). My husband has not really appeared interested in being intimate for a long time. He doesn't offer to hold hands, rarely wants to cuddle and hasn't initiated sex in almost 2 years. We have gone to counseling, and I have told him about my concerns many times. I am beginning to feel hopeless.

He says that he doesn't feel in the mood to be intimate when he is stressed or anxious or when I am upset or depressed or tired - or a slew of other reasons. The last few times I have brought up the subject of intimacy (let alone sex) he has gotten upset and mad, so I have given up trying to talk about it. Which makes me feel even more hopeless.

He works long hours (usually leaves home at ~9AM and returns by 10 or 11 PM most nights he works). He works 4 days a week, I work 3 (on opposite days) to keep our baby out of childcare. I do not think he is having an affair.

But, this problem was present long before the baby arrived. I have asked him if he no longer finds me attractive - he says that is not the problem - he just keeps saying that he feels that it is just the circumstances of our life (I have a hard time believing that). He says that he loves me, I hear the words, but I don't feel it in my heart.

If the shoe were on the other foot, and he had come to me multiple times, sad and upset over the lack of intimacy in our marriage - I would have bent over backwards to make sure that he knew that I did find him attractive and that I loved him and he was a priority in my life. But he has not done that.
Any insight from anyone who has experienced this?
Bluegirl

justean · 07-20-2008, 12:39 PM

i have experienced it , but i think most ppl do. i do find your lack of intimacy and the length of it , to me would be very off putting.
yes it feels like constant rejection . you feel unwanted and lonely. if i had your constant lack of intimacy, i would probably say, it tiring.
i can say that with my hubby i suppose the most of lack of intimacy i have ever had is a couple of months. for different reasons. like you i would bend over backwards. but my hubby keeps or should i say used to keep alot to himself, for his own reasons, it was just him, his personality and character. the situations either involved stress, probs in the relationship at that time. generally off eachother. there are plenty of reason. these are cicumstances of life.
tiredness will also be huge in this detriment for lack of intimacy.
actually my hubby would do a full days manual work and say i had the day of, i up for it. but hubby was just too tired. literally to do n e thing. i just had to be patient .
but to not show n e thing. like i said is hard.
you situation is hard , opposite sides of the week. but why dont u both make a point of atleast once a month going out.
or can u change your shifts atleast once or twice in a month.
you sound very much apart in this situation of just not being around eachother enough. but his tireless shifts would kill me .
i do 10 hrs 3 days a week. thats enough. i dont do overtime. because the money is rubbish. i live on what i have.
maybe have another chat. you need to spend some quality time together.
but your the only ones that can change that.
sometimes when you make a change other avenues open up.

Missy · 07-20-2008, 08:33 PM

I agree and Stress is a killer! Often times when stress is overwhelming desires are just difficult. He loves you and that hasnt changed, but he just has so much going on in his mind. Men are taught so much about not sharing their feelings like women do, but you both have to break down his communication style and work within this. Find ways to help him relieve stress, help him get a good hobbie that is not so stressful. It will help him in the long run and he will come around