Counseling

heavenleigh · 10-19-2010, 05:29 PM

Okay, I have called about counseling and my husband now says he will not go. Would it do me any good to go myself? I have an appointment on Thursday so any help before then would be appreciated. I know I have issues and he has issues, but it is when we are together that these issues really come out so how could solo counseling even help our marriage? Please advise. Thanks so much.

DanF · 10-19-2010, 06:01 PM

It may help you.
At this point, what do you have to lose?

heavenleigh · 10-19-2010, 06:12 PM

Yeah, that's true. Thanks.

Bloodymary · 10-19-2010, 07:57 PM

If he wont go you go...if he wont go and you do, and then things get worse...then I'd start looking for options.

DanF · 10-19-2010, 09:08 PM

heavenleigh, check your pm's.

Blanca · 10-19-2010, 10:45 PM

I went to individual counseling. It helped a lot. Shortly after my H went to counseling. He really hated the idea at first but he's been going for over a year now and i think he really likes it. I cant always be there for him, especially in the past, because i hated him. I tell him that right now I dont have his best interest at heart because im working through my resentment for him so he needs someone that can be there to just listen to him and not judge him. He needs someone on his side that wont interfere with the marriage. And the same goes for me.

heavenleigh · 10-20-2010, 06:11 AM

I think he might end up going. It is hard to say until the day comes. I told him if he didn't that would probably be the end for us because I know deep down inside he has a lot of issues too that need worked out. He is very hostile. I don't know if it is hurt, or he just hates me that much. Oh well, time will tell. Thanks for all your replies.

F-102 · 10-20-2010, 05:36 PM

A lot of men won't go because they feel that the counselor, especially if it's a woman, will blame him for everything.
Go yourself, and keep encouraging him to go. If nothing else, you'll come out better for it.

sisters359 · 10-20-2010, 05:39 PM

Yes, I hope you kept the appointment! You can learn to improve and/or be happy with the relationship, or you will learn enough about yourself to make a decision about it. Either way, you stand to be happier for going. Good luck.

heavenleigh · 10-21-2010, 05:22 PM

Okay, we went to counseling. Sure didn't get out of it what I thought I was going to. Really depressing

Now I am more confused then ever. Counselor says he needs to see me 1 or 2 visits before hubby comes back in because I was crying. No crap, if he was put through what I was put through in the last 8 months, he would be crying too when he talked about it. Well as soon as we walked out of the office, what does my pathetic husband say "see it is you that has the problem." What a jerk. That just gave him something else to hold over my head. I guess I am about ready to give up. We didn't even talk the whole way home...I am beginning to wonder what is the sense of working on this anymore????

credamdóchasgra · 11-02-2010, 11:16 AM

I'm sorry you felt that way after your first session.

It's awful that your husband said that in the moment. Hopefully the fact that he went with you lets you know that deep down, he realizes he plays a role in the problems too. My husband also has a way of putting it all on me when he's frustrated. It isn't fair, but it's a defense mechanism.

My husband and I go to counseling every week or every other week. He didn't want to go at first, but just the fact of him going meant a lot to me. Lately he's saying we can't afford it, so we'll see...

Some days we walk out of counseling and i feel worse than I did before, other times we (I) feel better at the end of a session. I understand your frustration and worry, I feel it too.

I also know that my husband has deep-seated reasons for his hostility, that are worth his time to investigate. But it's emotional work and that's uncomfortable for him, so he resists.

What I try to remember is that when my husband displays anger or hostility, thee's really another emotion underneath; every negative or uncomfortable emotion comes across as anger, because he may not realize or be in touch with what is truly under it. Anger is easier and safer and more self-protective; he feels he needs to show it. Believe me, in his hostile, self-defensive moments, it is hard for me to remember that with compassion--like last night, for example. I certainly wasn't the "bigger person" when I wanted him to be less angry. I was a needy person. And it made things worse. It doesn't mean I'm "wrong" for having my own emotional needs, it just means if he's feeling something negative/uncomfortable, he won't be able to help me feel better. So in those moments, I need to learn to just be patient until he's ready to be the happy, loving husband I know. I'm still learning to apply this in the tough moments.

Even if it takes two to cause or solve a problem, it can help strengthen you to focus on your own behaviors through individual counseling or otherwise--that's what I'm trying to do in my own marriage. Sometimes my "self-work" helps us, and other times I can't draw on my well of strength--like last night. But I'm going to keep making deposits into my strength bank, and I hope you do too.

I hope you and your husband continued to go to counseling, or you've been going on your own--either way I hope things are getting better for you.

floweredteacup · 11-02-2010, 11:35 PM

You continue to go to counseling! Of course you will feel awful at first, because you finally got the chance to tell an unbiased person about your feelings. I don't wanna judge( yeah, I do!), but for your husband to make THAT comment to you, when you were at 1 of your most vulnerable moments shows HIS insecurities. He knows if you get yourself "together", he probably won't be part of this healing process with you.

Please continue,for YOU! When he sees that you mean business, & you're taking 1 foot forward instead of back, he'll turn around. If not, then you can figure the rest. Hope it works out for you.

newlystepmommed · 11-09-2010, 05:52 PM

Sometimes the truth hurts. I am one to tell ya! I hate criticism. I hate it in any form and I will be the first one to go completely batty if someone tells me I am wrong or bad in anyway. But then.. I grow up.
I'm sorry but to grow in any relationship... we must better ourselves. The first visit is always the most difficult. It didn't help that he was so cruel, but you need to better yourself before you can expect him to get better or your relationship to get better and grow healthy.
ALWAYS fix you first, if you don't the other things will just break over and over again. If the doctor sees an issue with YOU.. Fix it, it's not his/her first pony ride. They know what they are doing, they get paid to. IF you don't like what he/she said.. See another. Odds are you will get told the same thing. If you want it fixed... Then do it. Don't get offended, you will be so much happier taking the adult (very hard, but satisfying) way through this.

Best of luck!