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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-23-2010, 02:30 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy 22 years of marriage and he wants out

I have been married for 22 years now, my husband was military for 20 and has been retired 2 years now. He tells me out of the blue that he no longer loves me and wants out. He says that his feelings for me started to change when he got out 2 years he didnt tell me he says because he felt like he could handle this on his own. Never once telling me or letting me know he was changing, up to 2 months ago i thought we were very much in love we have always been the strong loving couple. We have 3 children 2 of which have autism. He would always tell me "divorce was never an option" when we argued. But now it is for him. He says there is no one else he just wants to be alone and do for himself. We still have a great sex life we still sleep in the same bed (mainly because of me). We are in marriage councling but he says he doesn't think it will work since he is only doing this because he feels like he owes me that much. He said hes just taking it day by day and see where things end up but if i ask him right now he would say he wants OUT... Im devestated and shocked, how can a person you put your faith and trust and love for so many years do this to another human being? Its really easy to throw in the towel but im a fighter and i will fight to the end of the earth for my family. Its hard when its only me who's doing this. Any advice is welcomed.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-23-2010, 03:21 AM
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Re: 22 years of marriage and he wants out

I'm sorry you are going through this. Are you very sure he isn't seeing someone else? If you haven't already read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, you may find the book to be helpful at this point.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-10-2010, 05:00 PM
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Re: 22 years of marriage and he wants out

I totally agree with 827. I am truly sorry you are going through this, but if you haven't already read Chapman's book, you should definitely get it. My husband and I took the quiz to find out our love language as a part of our premarital counseling, and it was really insightful to see it all in black and white.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-13-2010, 10:01 AM
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Re: 22 years of marriage and he wants out

I don't think it has anything to do with you- it's more like a mid-life crisis for him. He was in the military for 20 yrs- it's what he knows. Then his life changes- my dad was military too- it took him a few years to 'chill' and become human again. And yes, my parents almost divorced a few times. My mom hung on, knowing that my dad just needed to find himself again and realize he still loved my mom. As for you, don't expect things to get easier right away- they'll probably get harder. Just hang in there. And your husband probably needs one on one counseling too- some to help with readjustment.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-13-2010, 10:11 AM
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Re: 22 years of marriage and he wants out

I think Flora's advice is good - except for the first sentence.

His perception is that it "does" have something to do with you.

Patience, counseling, empathy and understanding will help both of you realize if that is - in fact - true.

You'll be fine if you have the courage to face the truth.
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