suzyq

Hi,
I'm new to this board and need to sound off. Problem, we have been married for almost 23 years. First 17 great, then slowly it has declined. My husband would drink then make comments like "I wish I wouldn't have gotton married when I did", I question him and he said he didn't say that or he was too drunk to remember. These comments have been going on for the past 6 years, with each vacation, more comments coming. More examples, I sure would like to bang her, wish I was single, Don't you think you need to lose a little, I married too soon, etc... you get my drift.
Well, about a month ago, I was on another forum and saw some postings that had a familiar ring to them, I found the author of all the postings. It was my husband ranting....He made comments like, "I'm stuck in this h*ll hole of a marriage", I married a c*nt of a b*tch, It would cost too much to get out of this sham of a marriage. I found 70 postings about me.
I brought this up to him and asked if he wanted a divorce? He said no, I love you, I just needed to vent, I didn't mean any of that.
I'm having a hard time believing that he didn't mean anything by his words. One or two things maybe, but 70 postings and the last 6 years of little things.
We have two boys, 16 & 18, so it's not like there are little kids involved. One will be going off to college in the fall.
I just do my own thing around the house all day with the boys, then we are all pins and needlse when he gets home, not knowing what will come out of his mouth next. He tries to blame everything on the boys and myself.
Well, I keep suggesting our marriage needs help, if it is to last and he ignores me, like he does for everthing.

riverbrooke

HI Suzyq,

I am new to this community, married for 16 years with 9 children. I read your thread and I am so sorry that you had to find out his thoughts on the internet. I have just a few questions before I try to recommend something to you, however, I do believe you already have the answers. It's really good to get the advice of others as long as you know that the advice comes from one who is living in a fairly successful marriage, not a perfect one, but one where love still reigns, it is practiced and expressed and forgiveness comes easily. I would say that my marriage is fairly successful. We have had our challenges, but with forgiveness and God's help we are still very much in love and still prefer the company of each other.

With that being said, on a daily basis, how often do you and your husband discuss relational issues? Do you have a fairly good intimate life (if I may ask)? Do you know his reason for drinking? I know you said that he is not comfortable with counseling, is there a mutual friend of the family or family member in whom you and your spouse can share your feelings with? If so, maybe having a dinner with them and your spouse would open up the door to dialogue. If not, an intimate dinner out with the expressed intent to calmly talk about what's in his heart may be the beginning of addressing some long pent up frustration. Be prepared in your heart to hear him, truly hear him, and accept whatever he says for what it is. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth will speak. Simply, what's really in your heart, whether a person is comfortable with that feeling or not, will eventually make it's way out of the mouth. Clearly, it bothers him to admit it and to really deal with it if he says that he loves you. Maybe, just maybe, he is angry with himself, and his accomplishments and/or failures in life (could be a mid-life crisis, I do not profess to be a psychiatrist). I think at some point we all would like things to be a tad different about something, but his feelings are very serious and those issues need to be addressed. Not only for yourself and your family, but also for him. He will be throwing away something very good for something very fixable.

Forgive him, I know it sounds hard, but you can do it, because the problem isn't you or the children, the problem lies within himself. Love him through it, get understanding about what he is going through before you put up any defenses. Marriage is so much like a garden, if we leave it unattended for any given length, the weeds, bugs and beetles, and anything else will creep in and destroy anything growing beautifully. Try talking alone, away from home first. I say away from home because at home the needs of the house usually call out to you, the phone rings, the children need your attention, etc. First, forgive the trespass, get away, talk, get your listening ears on and really seek to understand what's going in the heart of your husband.

I hope this thread helps in some small way.

RIVERBROOKE