Is this normal...please help!!!

veryconfused33 · 07-24-2008, 10:04 PM

I'm new at this so please bare with me!

Iam 33yrs old and have been with my husband since I was 15yrs old. We have a daughter which is 15yrs old and a 4 yr old son. Our relationship seems to get worse as the years go by.

Right now the biggest problem is our love life. When I show affection toward him, he just lays there and really don't acknowledge any of it. I can touch or kiss me and he won't respond. We only have sex when HE's in the mood, which seems to be once or maybe twice a month if I'm lucky. I feel like if this is how my life is now, what am I in for 5-10 yrs down the road???

I have cutt my hair, he won't acknowledge.
I will get dress up to go to a party, he won't acknowledge.
My sister recently got married, he didn't compliment me nor did he ask me to dance. I feel so bad about myself because he does nothing/says nothing to make me feel beautiful.

Now, here's the best part. He spends hours at a time on the internet talking to local woman and woman basically from everywhere. I know this because I had spyware that would record several of his converations. He talks very sexually with these women and he has been doing this now for quite sometime. He is full of compliments toward them. I feel this is a problem. When trying to talk to him about this, he just shuts down and basically makes me feel like the crazy one. He would say, "it's not like I'm cheating on you...you know my every move." I'm almost postive that he's not cheating, but has been caught before while chatting with someone online (which to this day, he has denied) about 5yrs ago.

He almost makes me feel like everyone is better that me. I just need some advise since this all seems to be really bothering me lately.

Thank you for your advise in advance and taking the time to read this shorten version of my situation.

anotheryear · 07-25-2008, 12:50 AM

Imaginary (or internet) women are always more perfect than real women. So you are competing with something difficult. If he won't discuss it or get counseling, try reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs." You can try to make YOU more interesting, but it sounds like he needs to do some changing in his habits.

ljtseng · 07-25-2008, 02:59 AM

I feel your pain Veryconfused. When i get dressed up its like i dont even exist. He hardly looks at me. He rarely wants to be intimate with me. Its unbelievably frustrating and demoralizing. My husband also has a thing for other women. I, too put spyware on the computer and found all kinds of things that just crushed me.

My first advice to you is remember it has nothing to do with you. I went through the phase of thinking if only i took better care of myself, if i met his needs better, if i was happier, etc. Forget it. Separate yourself from his choices.

Secondly, never argue with him about if what he is doing is wrong or not. Its hurting you so it is wrong for you. That's all that matters. If it's wrong for him or not is not your concern at this point.

Lastly, and most importantly, set up consequences for his choices. This is an excellent website to help you communicate your feelings: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
Scroll down to the section titled Formula for Emotionally Honest Communication and use the communication formula then use the formula under Setting Boundaries to communicate the consequences to his behavior.

-lj

Mrs. Negestie · 07-25-2008, 10:08 AM

This is not normal but has been introduced in alot of relationships that are longer term. Because the spice is all gone so we need to find out what is lacking in the relationship and swallow our pride and give it to them because if you dont act like a monkey and swing of the walls for your spouse they will surly find someone on the internet that will not only act like a monkey but also put on the monkey suit.So lets think a little deeper it your spouses feelings also.

Amplexor · 07-25-2008, 10:26 AM

This is absolutely not normal or what should be happening in any relationship. He has withdrawn, he doesn’t provide you with emotional support and he is spending way too much time chatting with other women when he should be concentrating on the one who should be first on his list. Communication of your concerns and how he hurts you is the first thing you need to do. If he is missing something in the relationship that he gets from his “chats” discuss it and find ways you can both improve in those areas. And when he does complement you or says something that makes you feel good, let him know how much you appreciate it. Have you discussed professional counseling? Do you regularly have time alone as a couple? You need time together to reconnect. You have work to do as a couple, don’t wait. Start this weekend. Best of luck.

veryconfused33 · 07-25-2008, 11:40 PM

Thank you to all that had took the time to read my post and respond. I appreciate your input, advise and support. Everyone has provided something useful for me to proceed further.

It's so hard to talk about this to friends/family. I held this in for so long until now. My husband WILL NOT go to counseling so I had to seek somesort of help myself. I'm really happy that I found this site!

draconis · 07-25-2008, 11:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amplexor

This is absolutely not normal or what should be happening in any relationship. He has withdrawn, he doesn’t provide you with emotional support and he is spending way too much time chatting with other women when he should be concentrating on the one who should be first on his list. Communication of your concerns and how he hurts you is the first thing you need to do. If he is missing something in the relationship that he gets from his “chats” discuss it and find ways you can both improve in those areas. And when he does complement you or says something that makes you feel good, let him know how much you appreciate it. Have you discussed professional counseling? Do you regularly have time alone as a couple? You need time together to reconnect. You have work to do as a couple, don’t wait. Start this weekend. Best of luck.

draconis

draconis · 07-25-2008, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by veryconfused33

Thank you to all that had took the time to read my post and respond. I appreciate your input, advise and support. Everyone has provided something useful for me to proceed further.

It's so hard to talk about this to friends/family. I held this in for so long until now. My husband WILL NOT go to counseling so I had to seek somesort of help myself. I'm really happy that I found this site!

I am glad to see the site can help you. Maybe if you use the spyware cut copy and past it to an email and send it to him and tell him you found it on the computer he might second guess knowning he has been caught but not knowing how.

draconis

CaryLeb · 07-31-2008, 03:07 AM

Baby Girl,

Get ready to place an order on some high heeled pumps! It's a known fact that people often times want what they can't have (i.e. curly hair wants straight hair, brown eyes want blues eyes, and the list goes on and on). Make yourself less available, go out with friends and when you do make sure you look like a knock-out (but not ****ty).

Create a username on his favorite chatroom and engage him into some conversation that can lead to some "fun in the sun." But you have to be willing to play.

It seems like the playful side of your relationship has given way to lifes stresses and he is trying to compensate that loss by getting attention from other women or he may simply miss that new feeling...you know that butterfly in your tummy feeling you got whenever you knew he was coming by. As Justin Timberlake would say "bring that sexy back."

Let him know what he has been missing!