I am going through a lot of emotional turmoil regarding my relationship... and we're on our honeymoon right now!
I have been with my husband for about 2.5 years. He is tender, devoted, hilarious, sensitive, and kind. He is the best person I've ever met. He caters to my every need and works hard to provide for both of us. I honestly think he is the best man on earth. But...
I can't tell what's missing, I just feel unsure about whether I'm with the right person. About whether getting married was the right thing. I can't tell if these are normal feelings or not. But they are causing me immense anxiety and guilt.
To give some background, I was with a different man for 7 years; 3 years ago, he left me very suddenly. That relationship was deeply unhealthy but also wildly passionate. We were engaged to be married when he broke it off. Even though it was bad news, I do miss that wild passion we had. My relationship now is very calm, very tame, in comparison.
I don't know what's going on right now but it's pure torture. I feel detached from my husband and distant. Are there any women out there who felt the same, even though they were with the right person? Anyone who felt like this after marriage? I want to give myself a break here because my thoughts are giving me excruciating anxiety, stress, and even some depression right now. I worry that having doubts automatically means I shouldn't have gotten married.
He is simply "too nice". That is not a knock on "you" it is a passion killer in many marriages.
My guess is that if HE was able to:
- Focus less on you - on being overly devoted
- Show you a little bit of edge - this is not yelling, screaming out of control anger - this is more a tone of voice that warns "you are in the red zone now - walk very carefully"
- Learn how to be dominant and maybe a little rough in bed
Then you would find you can have stability, friendship AND passion.
A guy with no edge, who is always gentle in bed and who always puts you on a pedestal is going to KILL the love.
My guess is that for a short time he was a welcome change from the opposite extreme of your prior relationship. But you are now desperately wishing for a healthy mix of him and your old flame.
You "might" be able to teach him how to get there in bed. Much harder outside the bedroom. Edge is hard to learn. The sexual behavior is actually a lot more specific and can be learned by most men.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bunnicula
Hello all,
I am going through a lot of emotional turmoil regarding my relationship... and we're on our honeymoon right now!
I have been with my husband for about 2.5 years. He is tender, devoted, hilarious, sensitive, and kind. He is the best person I've ever met. He caters to my every need and works hard to provide for both of us. I honestly think he is the best man on earth. But...
I can't tell what's missing, I just feel unsure about whether I'm with the right person. About whether getting married was the right thing. I can't tell if these are normal feelings or not. But they are causing me immense anxiety and guilt.
To give some background, I was with a different man for 7 years; 3 years ago, he left me very suddenly. That relationship was deeply unhealthy but also wildly passionate. We were engaged to be married when he broke it off. Even though it was bad news, I do miss that wild passion we had. My relationship now is very calm, very tame, in comparison.
I don't know what's going on right now but it's pure torture. I feel detached from my husband and distant. Are there any women out there who felt the same, even though they were with the right person? Anyone who felt like this after marriage? I want to give myself a break here because my thoughts are giving me excruciating anxiety, stress, and even some depression right now. I worry that having doubts automatically means I shouldn't have gotten married.
I was with a different man for 7 years; 3 years ago, he left me very suddenly. That relationship was deeply unhealthy but also wildly passionate. We were engaged to be married when he broke it off. Even though it was bad news, I do miss that wild passion we had. My relationship now is very calm, very tame, in comparison.
I don't know what's going on right now but it's pure torture. I feel detached from my husband and distant. Are there any women out there who felt the same, even though they were with the right person? Anyone who felt like this after marriage? I want to give myself a break here because my thoughts are giving me excruciating anxiety, stress, and even some depression right now. I worry that having doubts automatically means I shouldn't have gotten married.
Your X was probably an Erotic Lover and your new Husband is probably a slow Sensual Lover, less wildness for sure.
I have never felt like you, but I also was never with another before I married my "Nice Guy" husband (he is the same as you describe yours) so I had no comparisions to struggle with, no lost loves to ponder what if's over. Beings that you were engaged to this other man & possibly wildly in love with him, it makes sense to me, you might grieving this all over again during this time.
You've been with your new husband for over 2 yrs, what attracted you to him? Did you EVER feel wildy passionate about him ? And does he express wild passion for you?
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Sometimes past unhealthy relationships leave scars we're not even aware of that can keep us from fulling engaging and letting down our guards in later relationships. The best advice I can offer is to resolve the past so that it doesn't cause you to neglect or be unappreciative of the present. I felt similar to the way you described when I married my husband and looking back, I had put up a wall because I harbored so much resentment about the way I was treated in my first marriage. If that is what's causing issues for you in your new marriage, save yourself alot of heartache and resolve the past. Oh, and send him to Atholk's blog- he'll fix him. Lol!
Congratulations and try to relax. Enjoy your honeymoon. Posted via Mobile Device
I wonder what "edge" means. Is that guy saying unless a man makes a woman feel like she does not matter to him, that she won't love him? IDK I guess you understand what that means, but I sure don't.
I think one of two things is happening. Either you are like most women and meet somebody and think marriage is the thing to do just because you met a person. Or, you enjoy unhealthy relationships, and some women are like that.
You are missing the passionate sex. He is also predictable, maybe somewhat boring, and no challenge for you.
When I was younger I met a man started a relationship. Same thing what a nice guy. I realized later we should have remained friends. I loved him as a friend, not the love a woman should have for her man.
Separate from all the commentary about whether your husband is "too nice," a dull lover, or whatever else, I would invite you to consider that you are also having a natural reaction to making a big commitment (i.e., marriage). The natural reaction, whenever we find ourselves "trapped," is to want out. You see this when people make big purchases; it's called "buyer's remorse."
It's up to you to choose to be committed. The thing about marriage is that we think that somehow the commitment ceremony will seal the deal, and that after that somehow we'll be transformed. Then we're surprised when we have thoughts like, "I sure do miss all the passionate sex I used to have," and we think that having these thoughts means, by definition, that something is wrong with the marriage.
The truth is that these thoughts are totally normal and natural. They're exactly like clouds: they come and go. The secret most people don't seem to understand about marriage is that you choose it, and you create it, every single day.
While you might find in time that there are serious issues in your marriage that require a lot of effort or that even threaten it in a fundamental way, right now I think you should just relax and recognize that the thoughts you're having are normal and natural. Nothing's wrong with you, and you married a great guy. Be happy. Watch the clouds come and go.
Uh, this question may come a bit late..but why did you get married?
Be as it may, I'd suggest that you get yourself into some counseling when you get home because you are going to mess what you have up big time. In the meantime, have a few drinks, lighten up and enjoy your honeymoon.
The truth is that these thoughts are totally normal and natural. They're exactly like clouds: they come and go. The secret most people don't seem to understand about marriage is that you choose it, and you create it, every single day.
While you might find in time that there are serious issues in your marriage that require a lot of effort or that even threaten it in a fundamental way, right now I think you should just relax and recognize that the thoughts you're having are normal and natural. Nothing's wrong with you, and you married a great guy. Be happy. Watch the clouds come and go.[/QUOTE]
Thanks so, so much. This response especially has really helped me to "snap out of it." I feel world apart from how I did when I posted this yesterday; thanks. I am an old pro when it comes to psyching myself out and throwing myself into a panic-stricken tailspin; these words of wisdom really helped me get out.
I also historically second-guess myself ad nauseum, even in the tiniest decisions, so this is not surprising either.
I'll swop with you mine is a tough guy that shows me no love or affection the total opposite to yours and all I want is a nice guy who loves me , what a mess
When I read Mal74's response, I too, felt --this is GOLDEN.
And hearing a little more about how you always do the 2nd guessing -with everything, hey, it makes so much sense now. SO happy you are enjoying your honeymoon.
Just another plug for the Nice Guys, mine is still the same after 21 yrs of marriage, the best freak*** thing that ever happened to me.
anxious on my honeymoon 
mine is a tough guy that shows me no love or affection the total opposite to yours and all I want is a nice guy who loves me , what a mess
