What makes a woman happy in marriage?
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Old 10-31-2010, 07:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What makes a woman happy in marriage?

My wife has recently asked for a divorce after 18 years of marriage because she says she is not happy and hasn't been for several years. I have done things over the years that I thought would make any wife happy, but apparently i was wrong. What did I do? Over the years, we became financially worry free with my income being the highest earning. We bought some land and built our dream house. I cook, clean, and am the main laundry person. We don't argue enough to even mention. At times, I took the lead in taking care of our children with night time feedings, diaper changes, etc. I told her I loved her on a daily basis. She always seemed happy to me until the last few months. She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

One key measure of how the woman feels about a marriage is your sex life. I know this is a generalization but - many men will have frequent sex even if they are not that happy in the marriage. Women don't tend to do that.

So if your W has been happy AND sexual with you up until a few months ago - and now she wants a D - she is having an affair.

Reason I say that is someone doesn't suddenly run AWAY from something good after 18 years. They might however run TOWARDS something they believe will give them a magical life. Which is what a new romance represents....


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My wife has recently asked for a divorce after 18 years of marriage because she says she is not happy and hasn't been for several years. I have done things over the years that I thought would make any wife happy, but apparently i was wrong. What did I do? Over the years, we became financially worry free with my income being the highest earning. We bought some land and built our dream house. I cook, clean, and am the main laundry person. We don't argue enough to even mention. At times, I took the lead in taking care of our children with night time feedings, diaper changes, etc. I told her I loved her on a daily basis. She always seemed happy to me until the last few months. She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

I cant see an affair but bordem of prefection house work does not equal love and affection its appreaticed no argueing equals no passion no fire what does she love...like...hate you? her fav movie...book...food new fav sexual turn ons turn offs women are complex creatures and things change but you dont know you were too busy being mr perfect man look at all the things i do arent i great sorry if im harsh but from a woman to a man you can handle it did you just put her up and play dress up to play house i will leave it at that hey i might be wrong im not getting a divorce
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

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I have done things over the years that I thought would make any wife happy, but apparently i was wrong. What did I do? Over the years, we became financially worry free with my income being the highest earning. We bought some land and built our dream house. I cook, clean, and am the main laundry person.
Sounds like you are giving her ALOT of Acts of Service - doing many "things" for her, making her life carefree - for you maybe this IS the way you express love- which there is NOTHING wrong with --BUT maybe for her, Her deepest desires may be other expressions of Love - maybe she would prefer more TIME with you, or more Physical Touch (a Passionate sex life). How is the sex life -what happened? I agree with MEM, it is a very very telling sign .

I am just throwing this out there -cause those are the top of my personal list and I know if my husband was too busy being a work a holic to acheive more stuff, and if he didn't hotly pursue me sexually, I would have gotten extremely bored with him, even though he is a great guy, loving father, kind, excellent provider & still says he loves me every day. Sometimes we simply "want" more. Especially when Mid Life rolls around, I have found this to be very very true for me personally.

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We don't argue enough to even mention.
When I hear couples say they never fight or hardly argue with each other, I immediately think to myself "God that must be boring! " & I say to myself -- they can't possibly be communicating honestly with each other.

My husband is very passive, a pleaser, not the type to pick fights, ruffle feathers, but you know what, I MAKE him argue once in a while, I stir the pot -even intentionally, I feel this is healthy, he has even said this is good, "makes for a little excitement" (his words), so long as I don't get carried away.


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She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?
I can attest my husband would tell me he loved me every single day, BUT even this fell short to what I desired from him. I even complained about that one time saying "what is that, you tell your mother that". -- I wanted to be told "I WANT YOU", I wanted him to FLIRT with me , tease me, things like that, I needed more "sexual attention", not gifts, not acts of service, not cooking, or changing our 2yr olds diapers. Those things meant nothing to me at all. I wanted his affectionate TIME & LUSTY Attention.


Maybe -just maybe this is the missing emotional thing she is not sharing with you. Especially after being married for almost 20 yrs, we feel like we are getting old, we want to feel young & vibrant again, we want to rekindle Romance & Passion in our lives, we want to know we are still hotly desirable. Shame on us for being so vain but it happens I guess.

Or maybe I am all wet, maybe her Love Language is "gifts" and you haven't brought her flowers in 5 years or something.

If you have never read about the Various Love Languages -here is a thread I started with a link for the book and a test :

What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
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My wife has recently asked for a divorce after 18 years of marriage because she says she is not happy and hasn't been for several years. I have done things over the years that I thought would make any wife happy, but apparently i was wrong. What did I do? Over the years, we became financially worry free with my income being the highest earning. We bought some land and built our dream house. I cook, clean, and am the main laundry person. We don't argue enough to even mention. At times, I took the lead in taking care of our children with night time feedings, diaper changes, etc. I told her I loved her on a daily basis. She always seemed happy to me until the last few months. She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?
For example, if she actually enjoys your eating her off at 69 position, and hell yes, as always, you eat her off by going down on her or by fingering her. She has ogasms but not the ones she desired. You think you have done your work, which is true but in her opinion, she thinks you didn't meet her needs, which is also true.

Therefore, you have to understand what she EXACTLY wants you to do emotionally & physically.

One more example about sex: You might think you have done your work because you have given her your "tool" as many times as she requested. In fact, in her opinion, you just did the way you want for yourself, not for her if you didn't want to perform with the IC positions she prefers. Eventually, after many years, she get bored in doing what you like when you didn't give her any hope of changing it.

Therefore, it's very important to understand her interests carefully & accurately, so you don't actually work your ass off in many ways she doesn't appreicate.

If your sexual desire has dropped and felt harder to catch up her sexual needs after 18 years of marriage, you might need to consult a doctor and take a blood test on your testosterone level.

You will give your wife a big hope that you can be her hero and conquer her love & passion again as if you guys just fell in love 18 years ago!

She needs to feel beautiful, young & desired. Focus on that.

Last edited by MsLonely; 10-31-2010 at 11:36 PM.
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Old 11-01-2010, 06:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

Actually, my wife was never into sex the way I thought a normal person should be, not even in the early days. We probably averaged once a week during good times, and once every six weeks during what I would call the bad. She didn't like things too spicy, just plain. She does have a demanding job and always attributed being tired as the reason. She always seemed to enjoy sex once we got there, but she was never one that seemed to look forward to it or think about it a lot. Our sex life wasn't on fire in the last few months, but I can't say that was a change.
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Old 11-01-2010, 06:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

Have you come out & outright asked her what she feels she is missing from you all these years ? It sounds like she has very low energy -with you doing so many things around the house, is she "depressed"?
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Old 11-01-2010, 06:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

Quote: She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special.

_____________________________________________

She's not asking for spicy sex with you doesn't mean she has little sexual needs if she's a healthy woman.

Many wives would rather musterbate themselves than have sex with their husbands because women know men can't take criticisms especially on their bedroom skills. They would either tolerate the blah sexual life, or just forget about it. When your wife doesn't have sex with you for an entire month (she's a healthy & young woman) that means sometime wrong in the sexual life.

An example of things that can make a woman feel speical:

1. Create a romantic enviornment with her favorite love music (songs) Open a bottle of nice wine & chi-chat.

2. Cook for her a tasty candle light dinner.

3. Give a bundle of flowers without a reason.

4. Compliments without a reason.

5. Give her a good (1 hour) massage to relax her tension/pressure from work.

6. Give her a small gift without a reason.

Understand what your wife needs and enjoys the most- Make her feel beautiful, special, and desired.

Always brush up your sexual skills, explore the horniness that she has hidden from you.

Many husbands have no clues that actually their wives are horny & lonely like hell.

When she felt you didn't really enjoy 1 thing, for example, give her oral sex, or you didn't do the way she liked or you took the short cut(fingering more than eating her off), she would tell you, never mind, she doesn't like anything spicy, which was said to comfort you.

Many husband actually believe it. They really have no clues until their wives want a D, they still have no clues.

I used to have sex with my husband 2 times a month (this month, we increased 1 time as he starts to improve himself) In the past, my husband didn't give me oral sex for a damn whole year (still now), didn't want to change IC positions I like (just changed it after many years.)

So I was very bored after many years letting him take the conveniences using my ass. What I said to him was, not horny, headache...blah blah blah to avoid having sex with him. (Actually I musterbate almost everyday.)

Last edited by MsLonely; 11-01-2010 at 06:55 AM.
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Old 11-01-2010, 01:22 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

Southbound:

It seems us women here are making this all about SEX, please excuse us if this is simply NOT the issue. (Alot of horny women here). Just giving you some food for thought -from our own experiences.

I would say >>> IF the communication is lacking, if the 2 of you have never openly talked about your likes & dislikes in the bedroom, what turns each other on, being a little flirty, it is VERY possible she is too quiet/shy/inhibited to let you know she wants something/anything different, maybe she is not even having orgasms but couldnt bring herself to share this with you. Maybe even too inhibited to share & encourage you when you do things she loves & wants more of - without getting some encouragement & feedback from your partner, it may leave You feeling "blaaaaaa"- like she doesn't care for the act.

Me & my husband never talked about sex in our past, we talked about everything else in life, but for some reason this was taboo (I had a "sex is dirty" mindet), we remained silent, we didn't even moan we were so boring! He did not go out of his way to selfishly pursue me in the bedroom , but was "too nice" , "too accomondating" , and I can honesty say, there were times when I thought HE didn't have much of a sex drive-- once in a while I would get in the mood in the middle of the night , half the time I woke him up , half the time I masterbated secretly. IF he would have ONCE said to me "You can wake me up every night! " or something hot & sexy, encouraging me to DO this more often , I would have never masterbated again! But he was too darn quiet.

Here HE was struggling with feeling "rejection" from me!! He always wanted more, it hurt him deeply. What a load of miss signals. Looking back, what a terrible shame, he was shocked I did this, and I was a surprised he was suffering SO much sexually !! Total lack of sexual communication. Not a good thing. We wasted alot of years doing it a meesley once a week.


Do you know if your wife masterbates? There are a few men on this forum who have been suffering in a sexless marraige for YEARS & recently found out their wives have been masterbating for years-secretly. They were devestated! They THOUGHT their wives had NO drive, only to learn they lost their drive for their husbands.

IT may be something completely different -that is botherig her, as many women really dont seem to have much of a drive and it is NOT the man's fault at all. You mention it was once a week in good times and only once every 6 weeks in the bad.

What was the BAD ?? Were these "silent treatment" spells. Women do loose their sex drive over built up resentment, for many many reasons, wouldn't have anything to do with sex, but it sure makes them not want it !
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

A woman's emotional tank is very big, she needs a lot of attention from her man.

BBW and MEM have been keeping on telling men that men should man up instead of begging and pleading, sounds like a lot of women don't buy it. They think that flowers, gifts, and candle lights can really make them happy. I doubt how many men can keep on doing this for their whole life.

I don't know about other women. Romantic physical touch is very important to me. Being groped and fondled constantly by my husband really makes me feel that my man loves me a lot and he lights up my fire constantly. A tender kiss on my head, a loving spank on my ass, a passionate hug before we leave for work, loving sex in bed.................

A lot of women tend to be bothered by many things. My husband's approach is sitting down with me and talking to me, finding out what is bothering me, and giving me guidance. Sometimes what he told me didn't make me feel good at the beginning, but he helps me understand myself. Later on I would work on my weak spots.

Last edited by greenpearl; 11-02-2010 at 12:08 AM.
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Old 11-01-2010, 11:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
Southbound:

It seems us women here are making this all about SEX, please excuse us if this is simply NOT the issue. (Alot of horny women here). Just giving you some food for thought -from our own experiences.

I would say >>> IF the communication is lacking, if the 2 of you have never openly talked about your likes & dislikes in the bedroom, what turns each other on, being a little flirty, it is VERY possible she is too quiet/shy/inhibited to let you know she wants something/anything different, maybe she is not even having orgasms but couldnt bring herself to share this with you. Maybe even too inhibited to share & encourage you when you do things she loves & wants more of - without getting some encouragement & feedback from your partner, it may leave You feeling "blaaaaaa"- like she doesn't care for the act.

Me & my husband never talked about sex in our past, we talked about everything else in life, but for some reason this was taboo (I had a "sex is dirty" mindet), we remained silent, we didn't even moan we were so boring! He did not go out of his way to selfishly pursue me in the bedroom , but was "too nice" , "too accomondating" , and I can honesty say, there were times when I thought HE didn't have much of a sex drive-- once in a while I would get in the mood in the middle of the night , half the time I woke him up , half the time I masterbated secretly. IF he would have ONCE said to me "You can wake me up every night! " or something hot & sexy, encouraging me to DO this more often , I would have never masterbated again! But he was too darn quiet.

Here HE was struggling with feeling "rejection" from me!! He always wanted more, it hurt him deeply. What a load of miss signals. Looking back, what a terrible shame, he was shocked I did this, and I was a surprised he was suffering SO much sexually !! Total lack of sexual communication. Not a good thing. We wasted alot of years doing it a meesley once a week.


Do you know if your wife masterbates? There are a few men on this forum who have been suffering in a sexless marraige for YEARS & recently found out their wives have been masterbating for years-secretly. They were devestated! They THOUGHT their wives had NO drive, only to learn they lost their drive for their husbands.

IT may be something completely different -that is botherig her, as many women really dont seem to have much of a drive and it is NOT the man's fault at all. You mention it was once a week in good times and only once every 6 weeks in the bad.

What was the BAD ?? Were these "silent treatment" spells. Women do loose their sex drive over built up resentment, for many many reasons, wouldn't have anything to do with sex, but it sure makes them not want it !

The only issue she has with sex is that she thinks I want it too much. She does not masturbate, and told me while we were dating that she never had in her life; she thinks stuff like that is weird. The only desires she had with sex is for it to be as plain as possible. She tried to convince me that I'm a sex maniac because I would like it more than once every few weeks with a little spice. I convinced her to look on a web site once where one could order sex furniture; she thought it was really weird and wondered who in their right mind would order that stuff. Perhaps it runs in her family. She told me once that her sister and her husband went for months without sex. She said her sister said that was something she just didn't need in a relationship.
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Old 11-02-2010, 09:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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She always seemed happy to me until the last few months. She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?
If your kids are getting older, recently or soon to be out of the house, she may be re-evaluating her life and wondering 'Is this it for the next xxx years?'

There could be a number of reasons for her talking divorce...looking at the future of more of the same, work, come home, work, etc. especially when the children are no longer there to tend to.

She may want more romance, date nights, weekends alone, travel, etc. It is possible that she is smitten with another man, not suggesting she's having an affair, but maybe an attraction that is causing her to think 'what if' especially if she is sexually attracted to someone and wonders why she hasn't felt that way with you in a long time.

How long ago did you mention the sex furniture? I ask, because I was a lot like your wife with regard to sex, very reserved, sex drive pretty non-existant but my sex drive seemed to appear out of nowhere in my 30's but it didn't change my conservative feelings so it wasn't something I outwardly acted on ... fortunately my husband would take the lead and was very gentle, patient about it ... lights on, different positions, etc. introduced gradually.

You may want to see if she is open to taking a vacation with you...a weekend away or something like that. If she is receptive, you have a starting point to reconnect with her, talk about your future together (fun stuff you want to do), look in her eyes, laugh together, hold hands, etc. Telling her she is beautiful. Making her feel special can be through touch, holding hands, etc. or knowing her...making a CD of songs that remind you of the two of you, etc. Intimate things that only you two share.

I would suggest reading 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman. I would definitely ask her to read it, too. It may help her to see that what she is feeling happens in many marriages and divorce is usually not the answer...it will also show her that you are serious about making things right between the two of you.
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Old 11-02-2010, 10:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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The only issue she has with sex is that she thinks I want it too much. She does not masturbate, and told me while we were dating that she never had in her life; she thinks stuff like that is weird. The only desires she had with sex is for it to be as plain as possible. She tried to convince me that I'm a sex maniac because I would like it more than once every few weeks with a little spice. I convinced her to look on a web site once where one could order sex furniture; she thought it was really weird and wondered who in their right mind would order that stuff. Perhaps it runs in her family. She told me once that her sister and her husband went for months without sex. She said her sister said that was something she just didn't need in a relationship.
This is not going to sound nice of your wife, but she should not have married a man at all, just remained single. I tell my oldest son who wants to marry a Virgin, that if she has no interest in masterbating/doesn't do it regularly to relieve tension/finds the thought icky while single, he shoud RUN LIKE H***, because your story will most likely be his outcome.

You are not a sex fiend in any way, I am surprised you did not want rid of her 1st. We bought some of that "sex furniture" about a year ago, anything to do some spicing. The Liberator-the Ramp & the wedge.

Why not let her have her freedom and look for a hot woman who enjoys regular sex ? Enjoy your life while you still have life to live.
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Old 11-02-2010, 10:53 AM   #14 (permalink)
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This is not going to sound nice of your wife, but she should not have married a man at all, just remained single. I tell my oldest son who wants to marry a Virgin, that if she has no interest in masterbating/doesn't do it regularly to relieve tension/finds the thought icky while single, he shoud RUN LIKE H***, because your story will most likely be his outcome.
My wife never masturbated until after we were married. She just didn't understand her body well enough - and also thought there was a bit of a stigma attached.

She had also never had an orgasm until I showed her how (=stumbled upon it accidentally with my tongue a hundred times) in college!

So SA - careful with that advice unless your son is dating 25-30 year olds. Some younger women (college age) may just need the right guy to show them how!
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Old 11-02-2010, 11:18 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What makes a woman happy in marriage?

Have you read her phone bill for a phone number that she calls or texts a lot? Have you looked at her email to see who she's contacting a lot over the last 6 months?
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