Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Need women's advice...MMF fantasy pushing limits

207K views 61 replies 22 participants last post by  aston 
#1 ·
Hello,

I'm a male, but thought posting in this forum would give me some perspective into the female thought process on this subject. I have been with my wife for close to 18 years, married for 13. WE have had a typical marriage of ups and downs, but for the most part our sex life has remained very active and enjoyable for both! As has the emotional part. We are very good at communication.

Over the last six months we have been fantasizing about having a MMF threesome. A common thread among couples who have been together as long as we have. This is something that when we talk about during sex mutually turns us both on. I am straight, so the excitement derives from me more or less enjoying the sight of my wife being pleasured by another man.

She works hard with her job and is a wonderful mother, and I have always wanted her to experience all that life has to offer. Now mind you, we have awesome sex, where she'll hit climax anywhere from 2-5 times a session. But to see her have a change of pace, something fresh and new, while enjoyed in my company I thought would be a treat for us.

I decided to see where this would go, and introduced an acquaintance of mine to my wife via email. She had never met him. Never knew him. I told him to email her and flirt with her all in good fun. She works from home, stays at home, and has little male interaction in her life so I thought this would be a good way for her to get charged up. Well I was right. She asked of course if she could email him back and I agreed, and for the next week she informed me of all their conversations, which had turned to sexting. Which charged our sex life even further as role playing turned into her being my naughty little wife. So we were having conversations about bringing him into the bedroom for a one night romp...just conversations. No plans.

In between that time, my wife had to take a three night business trip. Well on the last night, she failed to respond to some of my texts after I knew she was at the bar. Which is totally out of character for her. Immediate red light goes off in my head, and I'm thinking something is up.

Turns out she met four men, one of which gently talked her into going back to his room within a matter of two hours. He knew she was married, shocker. She told me she was completely drunk. She is tiny, only 110lbs, and drank four whiskey's before they even showed up..again totally out of character.

She doesn't remember why she actually did what she did, but that it had something to do with our mind games. She said it was all very surreal. She went back to his room, they made out, he took of all her clothing, kissed and sucked on her bre***s, and performed oral on her as well as some other things. But they didn't actually have intercourse. She said as he moved up towards her on the bed, that she was brought back into reality and pushed him off. He obliged and apologized and she left.

She confessed all this to me the next night. Not only that, but told her parents and my parents as well. She was guilt stricken for a very long time, and contemplated suicide even although just to me, which I associated to the newness of the guilt. Those feelings passed within 24 hours for her. But she felt very guilty, crying, disgusted in herself.

Where this really gets sick, is after she told me I left. I was so upset that I went and stayed at a hotel last night and just sat there replaying the events in my head. I forced her to tell me everything, and she hesitantly confessed to more and more.

The next day I came home and we went upstairs into our bedroom to talk. She was sitting on the bed and telling me how sorry she was for what she did. I couldn't help what happened next. I told her to fall to her knees and shift over towards me. I then told her to perform fellatio on me, and she complied, and I felt anger and power all in one sensation. I love my wife. And these feelings scared me, yet excited me.

Over the next four weeks our sex life has been off the charts. I have forgiven her for her incident, and although I don't believe she stopped him, I really have no other choice but to accept it.

This is so very out of character for my wife. She didn't even know his last name. But as time went on and I began to realize, I don't know how out of character this actually is? She has always had an inner edge that I knew existed, but never was given the chance to blossom? We married young, she was 23. I'm no prude either, so I wasn't preventing said "edge" from appearing in our lives. Fast forward to now, and my current challenges :

1 Two weeks after the incident she went to get her nipples pierced. I was with her of course, and was turned on by the thought so I said yeah, let's do it.

2. We continue to fantasize about this third person, and although I made her discontinue the sexting with that other man, we still talk about MMF scenarios during sex, and it's not always her bringing it up.

3. Most troubling, is she had some wine the other night, and was away on business. We were sending naughty pics back and forth, and she told me that "You know you're all I need, you satisfy me, I don't need anyone else, but if you want to explore this we should discuss it" And when I said I wasn't sure, she got all snippy at me. Told me "Screw you" That I'm messing with her mind. I just let it go that night because I knew she had been drinking.

So...My wife, similar to many females, has this sudden urge to be naughty. She is only 36, and I want her to live out her inner "edge" just in a controlled safe environment not jeopardizing our marriage like she almost did already. She has told me everything, and we remain deeply in love. We are even in MC now and not holding back any feelings, as I believe no matter what it is we're feeling not being honest is doing our family no good.

I'm seeking advice on how to stop her from believing this fantasy may become a reality because it's not the actual act that won't turn me on, but it's the aftermath I don't think she is fully considering like I am. We have two young children, and I can't imagine complicating their lives for a night of euphoria brought on by sex. Yes, the idea turns me on significantly, but her behavior the other night about being upset that I'm not in agreement with taking strides to make this happen has me thinking....

We love each other. There has been no other infidelity in our marriage, and I have forgiven her for the incident, however the fact that this happened only a month ago, and she is already wanting to get back to introducing another person into our bed is alarming, no matter how much the thought turns me on.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
I'm not sure I exactly know what you are asking. You seem to be asking how you can let your wife know that you aren't okay with this fantasy actually becoming a reality. Is that right? But when you describe giving her permission to sext with your friend, I was under the impression, and maybe your wife was also, that you were okay for that to lead to the real thing.

From your post I felt like I was getting mixed signals from you and so maybe your wife is too. Maybe in the beginning you were okay with it but having seen her behavior, now you're not so sure. And seems like you need to have that conversation. Maybe you would be okay with her being with another guy as long as you can trust her to do it with you present, but her evening in the hotel would rightly have you doubting whether she would follow that kind of agreement. From the little bit I know, swinging / 3somes can only work if the partners involved trust each other explicitly and do exactly what their partners ask.
 
#3 ·
Firebelly,

I believe you're right on the mixed signals, however it was never about a one on one affair. Where she broke trust. And she addresses her mistake as a wake up call as to what the fantasy always was about, and that was the both of us. I'm concerned that with her most recent miscue, and the rush to commence our conversations about doing it that where does this end? We do it, and it's great....and????

I have trust issues with her. I see her point about the mind games, but honestly, we're all adults, and I fear she used that as an excuse to get away with being care free for a night. I have tried to remain partial to judgment based on the variables involved, but I'm not quite sure I'm comfortable moving forward with a threesome even with me present so quickly after she broke my trust.

She has use words and phrases, like "mid-life crisis". She is a very attractive woman, both physically and mentally so to see her confidence become even more defined since her step into infidelity it really has me thinking...
 
#4 ·
Yeah - so I can see why you're concerned about it now. She doesn't seem to just want to do it once and be done, she seems to be going through something that the two of you need to work out. I would start with..."I was okay with some playing but now I'm concerned about our marriage." That accurate?
 
#7 ·
Threesome are a trap do not fall for it. What you need to do is work on your marriage you guys have issues that need to be resolved before you bring in a another party.
 
#8 ·
Did you even discuss boundaries and process surrounding the idea? Clearly she went outside what was expected, but perhaps didn't know what was expected. Anyway, preemptively acting on any such fantasy without your approval and participation is cheating, IMO. Also, you can change your mind at any time about making any fantasy a reality, and there should be no argument about that. You are a couple, so it needs to be a joint decision.
 
  • Like
Reactions: firebelly1
This post has been deleted
#15 ·
...maybe your wife loves the idea as a fantasy, but when the chance came to make it a reality, she changed her mind, as you explained.
Ummm... maybe I'm missing something here. I don't think she changed her mind at all. She allowed a man to go down on her and perform oral sex! Booze, "surrealness," out-of-body experience, she can call it what she wants, but she still had sex with a stranger.

Stopping short of intercourse does not mean they didn't have sex. Oral sex is about as intimate as you can get, in my opinion.
 
#10 ·
So as adult human beings, we shouldn't be able to detach ourselves from fantasy and reality? I don't buy into that youkiddingme. Yes, we discussed how hot it would be, but at no point was there a green light to go mess around with anyone, regardless of what fantasy we BOTH were having.

I am upset that she did what she did and broke the trust that we're in counseling seeking to repair.

But to think our sex should be vanilla because any fantasy we discuss during it automatically means "This is what my husband and I fantasize about so this is what I'm going to do..."

That is a ludicrous excuse for infidelity.

Boundaries weren't discussed because it was just a fantasy. We were pushing the line, but never had a plan to make it a reality.

Firebelly, I agree with you. I'm concerned that this episode while she was away stirred up some energy to be desired by other men, which I know can be a very intense feeling for women, and she seems to just be riding the wave. But I know if we went through with it, I can't honestly say that I'm confident it would stop at the one adventure.

So if I tell her this isn't happening, what is stopping her from doing it on her own?

I do appreciate everyones comments.
 
#11 ·
So if I tell her this isn't happening, what is stopping her from doing it on her own?

I do appreciate everyones comments.
This question - what's stopping my SO from cheating - is a question for everybody no matter what fantasies or activities you entertain. You can't control what she does. Period. You are vulnerable and there's no running from it. Time to buddha up on this one and be honest and present with yourself and her and accept that the chips will fall where they may. I think it's good you're in counselling.
 
#12 ·
therosenberg,

I appreciate your comments. And yes, I can't honestly say we wouldn't have gone through with it the first time had she not stepped into this mess while away. So now for me it becomes more of a "well is this just for her afterall???" I don't know. I know she was eternally distraught and disgusted by her actions and vowed to never do that again without me. But I do agree with some of your points. Women of today are not like women of yesteryear, and either is your traditional marriage.

I'd rather my wife enjoy some fun and explore her sexuality with me there in the know, full on communication then have it like half the men commenting, with their wives doing it behind their back. To think that your wife will be content with one penis and man for eternity is ignorant. They may not all be acting on their desire, but the desire is there.

But for me it continues to be the what if's that prevent me from moving forward. Until I can grasp and be content with the what if's everything is on hold.

My wife is a highly charged sexually individual right now and I just want to embrace it, "carefully" rather than make her feel wrong for having her feelings and thus pushing her away. I hope that makes some sense.
 
#13 ·
Why aren't the guys pointing out that when you offer your wife to other men it tells her she's of little value to you?
OP, I get that you want your wife to have fun but maybe the message she's actually getting is that you don't value her. Based on your story I don't see how she could possibly have known what your boundaries are; if your only goal is for her to have fun why can't she do it away from you? Did you make clear you had to be there, in which case it's only partially about her fun and partially because you want to see your wife with another man? That tells her she's of low value.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#44 ·
:iagree:

It sounds to me as though the OP wants his W to have the fantasy and the fun, but only if he's able to control both.

Frankly, I think you're both on a very slippery path, OP... If my SO were to even suggest such a thing to me, I would lose interest in him immediately. I know my value and if he doesn't, I wouldn't want to be with him.
 
#14 ·
Life,

I know it's difficult to understand looking in from the outside, but my wife knows her value to me. I love her. She does not feel like you're suggesting, but looking in, I understand you. I think the thought of pleasing me as a dominant sexual mate also plays into the scenario.

There was never an understanding that she could act alone, and I think that's where even though we were playing these highly sexual driven games that she is so disgusted, because intelligence wise she is off the charts, and knowing that she misread her desires that led to this incident drove her mad, until she finally believed I forgave her.

I never said we were a traditional sexual couple, you know missionary once a week and lights out. We have some complex sexual mind games that have become part of our therapy into understanding the underlying behavioral concepts of why they exist and safe ways to explore them.
 
#17 ·
how do you know there was no piv?
Again, who cares about PIV?!?! In my opinion, deep tongue kissing and oral sex are FAR more intimate than b*nging away with a stranger. My God, the woman allowed a stranger to lick the pie, the holiest of holy places on her body. Her sacred shrine that belonged to HER and HER HUSBAND. Serious counseling is the next step for this couple.

I will NEVER understand why betrayed spouses believe that anything short of intercourse is okay.
 
#39 ·
Wow. You have sunk to a new low. I can ASSURE you Mr. Happy As A Clam has not licked some other skank's p*ssy. You don't know me at all, you don't know Mr. Happy at all, what gives you the right, you pompous *ss, to insult us this way?!?!

If you want to say it's okay that some other male wh*re licked your wife's holiest of holiests, if it makes you feel better to degrade others in the process, then HAVE AT IT, BRO! If it makes you feel better to drag other innocents into your gutter, I feel very sorry for you. Your wife is a tramp.

Go away, back to the troll bridge you crawled out from under.
I may regret getting involved here, but I just want to say, name calling is never productive, and I while I think you have a right to be angry at what was said to you, you do not have a right to call anyone's wife a "tramp", in my opinion.
 
This post has been deleted
#27 ·
Sorry, C2W, but I have done NOTHING but behave like an adult when I joined this site MONTHS AGO. My posts, my "likes", my decorum speaks for itself.

But when someone PERSONALLY attacks ME because they don't like what they're hearing about their own situation, my claws come out.

I appreciate you trying to calm this situation, but the truth is, I am checking out of this thread (I know it will make Welder happy).

He is just trying to justify ALLOWING his wife to have clandestine sexual affairs without taking any responsibility himself for the fact that he drove her to it.

Good luck, Welder.
 
#28 ·
Yes advice, not whether or not it was right for my wife to let another man do what he did, nor pointing out the difference between sex and intercourse which everyone on this site is aware of I'm sure. If that is advice worth "liking", I guess I came to the wrong website.

I directed my post to the women's lounge as to avoid such trivial and uneducated remarks.
 
#29 ·
If anyone could please direct me to the post where I refused any responsibility into this situation please do so. I'm not here to point fingers at my wife for her incident. I'm here to understand her and what she is thinking NOW from a woman's perspective.
 
#30 ·
Welder, when you ask for advice, you do need to prepare yourself for comments, remarks, and statements that you either won't like, or won't agree with. To me, it makes no difference what kind of sex went on between your wife and the other man. To me, the flirting and sexting with your friend is the same as the oral sex she got from the other guy.

What I think should be done from here: people make massive mistakes in their lives. You've said that you don't want to totally end the fantasy, else she go and do it without you. But you don't want her to hope for something(like a threesome) that you now know you wouldn't be comfortable with. Based on the amount of guilt and shame she expressed in response to the oral sex, I don't think you need to be concerned with her going behind your back and having sex with strangers. So, I think you absolutely need to be upfront with her about how you feel with regards to actually having a threesome. If you're still okay with the fantasy of it, tell her that, but make your boundaries very clear, and ask that she do the same. Also, I think you should own to the fact that by asking your friend to email, flirt with, and sext with her, you were, at the very least, confusing her. I think you should apologize for that, because that was your choice. She even asked your permission to email him back, and you gave it, so she needs to see that she isn't the only one who has messed up here. If I had been your wife, I would have taken that to mean that our relationship was now open, and I could accept sexual advances from other men. Perhaps you wife took it that way, too?

Once each of you has outlined your boundaries and sexual expectations, you'll have a clearer idea of where to go.
 
#32 ·
C2W,

I appreciate your feedback, although our scenario was very clearly communicated, and never was it once suggested that she do anything without me being present, hence the guilt on her part and the break in trust.

But I do concur. We have some thing that need to be tabled, openly by both parties.
 
#41 ·
C2W,

I appreciate your feedback, although our scenario was very clearly communicated, and never was it once suggested that she do anything without me being present, hence the guilt on her part and the break in trust.
So she cheated. That seems pretty clear to me!

Simple as that.

If your wife was intelligent she would have lost ALL respect for you when you brought up MMF. That basically tells her you care NOTHING for her.

Keep fantasy and reality completely separated.
 
#33 ·
I hear you, I'm only saying to consider what she may have thought. I know there are times when I communicate something with my husband and I think I was clear as a bell, and then he tells me that no, I wasn't clear at all.

I am also curious...what do you think about setting your friend up to email and flirt with her?
 
  • Like
Reactions: the2ofus
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top