Is This Cheating or have relationship thresholds evolved?

CaryLeb · 07-31-2008, 02:31 AM

My partner and I met through a dating website back in 2003. Since then we have moved in together, have had one child, and lead somewhat normal and product lives.

Like everyone we have our vices. He likes to chat and exchange pictures on the internet and I like to have random conversations on chatlines. It wasn't a problem until he found out that I was still doing it and he feels that it is wrong for us to be leading "double-lives" but at the same time can not promise that he will stop.

I do not see the harm in it as long as we are both aware of whats going on and as long as we do not cross the line between reality and fantasy. I think its a modern version of a playboy subscription.

Any thoughts on this topic?

lonelyheart · 07-31-2008, 08:24 AM

I think you are treading on dangerous grounds. it starts with an innocent chat, then exchange of pics and then more chat,before you know it you get really addicted to talking to these people.You start opening up, sharing more, and you even start looking forward to talking to these people.Then you get lost in this world. The virtual world is a whole different world.Unless of course when you meet these people your partner talks to them as well, then there is nothing to hide, they are common virtual friends.It is always easier to open up to someone who you really don't know but talk time to time with. You feel you can open up to them without them judging you. You are in a relationship, this online chit chat is not good. It can lead to emotional infidelity.

vlee · 07-31-2008, 10:58 AM

i agree with lonelyheart. the things you are sharing with the people online...how come you can't share with each other?

yes, it is good that the two of you know what is up and are being honest...but in a relationship there are boundaries and there are sacrifices (what makes it different than friendship, also because sex is involved) and you two might need to give up the online thing in order to be true to one another and in order to have a healthy relationship that isn't distracted by online lovers.

Leahdorus · 07-31-2008, 04:15 PM

I agree with Lonelyheart completely. I've been there, done that, and let it go too far and now my marriage is in shambles and we are separating. I've stopped nearly all my online chatting, keeping in touch periodically with a few platonic friends, but that's about it. And you know what? I don't miss it. So be very careful - it's very easy to get wrapped up in that world because it feels so good (the attention, etc) and makes the "real" world take second place.

carmaenforcer · 08-01-2008, 12:23 PM

The boundaries in any relationship should be negotiated between the parties involved. If you and your partner are o.k. with a little "harmless flirting" then it's fine, if however your partner has an issue with it then it's not cool.
I agree with you that it can be as innocent as fantasizing about a person in a playboy but the fact that it is a real person on the other side makes it more of a flirt and not just a "harmless" fantasy. A flirt that is on-going is or can be argued to be an emotional affair. There are fine lines, we call boundaries between what is appropriate behavior and what is wrong, dangerous and unhealthy to a relationship.

sheepdog98 · 10-19-2008, 12:28 PM

I agree you are treading on dangerous grounds - at least dangerous to your relationship. I know first hand. I use to spend considerable time trolling the chat rooms to meet women. There are some that view it as only fantasy, but many are looking for something. If a guy is patient, he can pick out the ones who spend considerable time (as much as 6-10 hours a day or more) in the various chat rooms and figure out who is lonely, desperate and clueless. They are almost addicted to it. The internet has an allure of being able to share thoughts and feelings that you would not ordinarily share with someone else face to face. After enough of this sharing, if I suggested a meeting, there's only a few who wouldn't. Some were fearful and anxious, but they felt "as though" they knew me. If you do form a good relationship, its just like the spouse who cheats with someone else, after the married partner leaves his spouse, it is difficult to maintain trust -- the first time there's a rough patch - and there will be one eventually, he/she did it once, why wouldn't they do it again. I know first hand. The women/men in the chat rooms for hours on end just don't have a life, but they want one. Your spouse knows this that's what's causing the problem - in my view.

draconis · 10-19-2008, 01:51 PM

I agree that it is a dangerous ground to tread, you borderline on the idea of an emotional affair. Where it might go if it ever hits that point is up in the air.

just food for thought.

draconis

mchris65 · 10-19-2008, 04:00 PM

Sorry, there's no way it's a modern day Playboy when pics are exchanged and conversations are going on. Like someone else said, it really is playing with fire. Even if they are never able to meet, it can become intense (phone?), and unless you guys have an open relationship, I'd put a stop to it or leave.