So I know I haven't been around much, and I try not to start threads just to start them but this has me curious for ladies' opinions. You might recall that I posted some things about my Hubs' submissive fantasies, and how I have begun indulging them. We've both found this fun and fulfilling.
Of course as we share and get comfortable, we share more intimate information. Things we would be ashamed if others knew... sharing about stuff where we are vulnerable. H has revealed to me how he "craves," to use his word, sexual humiliation. I've sort of seen this in talking about his fantasies of being exposed or sort of playfully ridiculed in front of my girlfriends (always imaginary, btw; we do not play with others), but I sense there is a pretty deep well here.
I'm not bothered by his fantasies but he asked a question a few days ago that is like a little pebble in my shoe. "Mal," he asked, "how can I share all this with you without risking that you will lose respect for me as a man?"
Let me say that I am blessed to have a damned wonderful marriage. I do respect my husband, and love him madly. But his question is nagging at me and so I thought I might bring it here for the wisdom of you ladies.
Well I have a thought on that. I am sub in the bedroom. And absolutely no where else. (Go figure.) I think sometimes that being sub in the bedroom is a reaction to the need to be the go-getter, thinker, problem solver in all other areas of my life. Could this be part of his interest in submission and humiliation? A counter-point to the societal expectation that men are In Charge...?
As far as respect as a man goes, in my book, a man who is confident enough in himself to reveal his potentially freaky inner most self.... WOA NELLY, THAT is a man.
I'd bet it is challenging to get perpectives from most of us vanilla mainstreamers. Ok so maybe I am not so vanilla OR mainstream. But for this kind of thing I might look to someone like Tristan Taormino's articles and/or BDSM groups. People make ALL SORTS of assumptions about BDSM that are not true. It might be reassuring to read up on some of it and find that you and he are not super freaks or anything and that LOTS of people live that way with no threat to respect.
Good luck! I hope you keep the good times rolling!
I'm not bothered by his fantasies but he asked a question a few days ago that is like a little pebble in my shoe. "Mal," he asked, "how can I share all this with you without risking that you will lose respect for me as a man?"
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Tell him, that him being able to tell you all of these things only warrants respect because its showing him how much he trusts you to not share his secrets with the world.. and follow it with an explanation of how you're really expressing the ultimate amount of respect to him by doing the things that please him most, just to see the pleasure it gives him.
course I'm a bit of a freak, and thats kind of how I roll, I'm always about the others pleasure. BUT methinks it might work.
Thanks. This is pretty much exactly what I tell him - the fact that he puts this kind of trust in me is pretty awesome. I guess the truest answer of all is that there is no sharing without risk, and it's the willingness to share despite the risk that is the measure of courage. I respect his courage. To me he is a lionheart.
I understand his concern though because some of the fantasies he's shared with me involve being belittled or denigrated in some way. I don't get a charge out of this, and I wonder if his concern stems from that. We've talked about it a little and I think this is it. I don't sense it's a huge worry for him.
In the back of my mind I guess I do wonder how far I could go in providing this sort of stimulation before I started internalizing it in some fashion. Have any of you had this experience, where the lines of fantasy & reality become blurred or one really begins to influence the other?
Truthfully, I find I respect my boyfriend more when he reveals innermost thoughts and feelings to me, whether they are regarding a sexual fantasy or something his mother said/did to him when he was a child that still affects him to this day.
And if my boyfriend ever expressed to me that he was afraid I'd lose respect for him as a result of his exposing himself to me that way, I would tell him how much more it makes me respect him to hear him tell me those things.
We are taught to expect men to be in charge, to be masculine and dominant and never show emotion or anything like that. While I do find it a turn on for my boyfriend to take charge sometimes, I find it more of a turn on when he can share something really personal and intimate with me, telling me something that he wouldn't share with just anyone because others might make fun of him, laugh at him or, as your husband is worried about, lose respect for him. Even if what he shares with me seems silly to me, or doesn't do anything for me (if it's something sexual), I realize how much it matters to him and how hard it is/was for him to share it with me. If it's a sexual thing and I just don't see myself being able to do it, I make clear to him that it's got nothing to do with him and it's not an issue with him wanting it, but that it's just nothing something I can see myself doing, because it just doesn't do anything for me. We have a very open and honest relationship, and we both know that we will not judge each other or run away screaming over anything sexual. We also both know that we can be honest and admit that we're just not into something, and there won't be any hard or hurt feelings as a result.
To me, the ability to be open and share with me like that makes him even more of a man and earns way more respect.
My husband is a firefighter, and is typical macho, manly man in public. So when he reveals things like this to me, things that I know he would never reveal to anyone else, it just makes me feel special. Because I know that he must really trust me to tell me that stuff.
We are taught to expect men to be in charge, to be masculine and dominant and never show emotion or anything like that. While I do find it a turn on for my boyfriend to take charge sometimes, I find it more of a turn on when he can share something really personal and intimate with me, telling me something that he wouldn't share with just anyone because others might make fun of him, laugh at him or, as your husband is worried about, lose respect for him. .
To me, the ability to be open and share with me like that makes him even more of a man and earns way more respect.
Fantasies and fear of the loss of respect 
