Firstly English is not my 1st language, pls overlook any grammer mistakes!
Im am 40 years and my husband 32. In retrospect our marriage had all the odds against it, but now we are in it and have to deal with it! It's my 2nd marriage (4 children) and his 1st, we have a 4yr old son and married now for 5 1/2 yrs.
it seems he is two people in one body. Sometimes he can be kind, supportive, fun and loving. other times he judge, full of critism, and almost ignore me for days unless he talks about subjects he finds interesting. the real problem for me is that he tells me he does not find me attractive. altough I am not a cosmopolitan version of the female gender, I believe I am average and not ugly and fat as he says. He finds lots of other woman attractive, regardless shape or age, it seems I am the only woman on the planet he does not find attractive! we go through cycles (his) when I am ugly and when I am good enough to make love to. I do not trust him when he wants to make love because it just don't make sense that if he finds me so unatractive that he can make love to me, so whom inspires him or his sexual drive/needs. i am confused, seems to be just too many contradictions and having no sense of selfesteem left I can not think about this without a bitterness in my heart because I feel that I am good enough to cook, clean, work (I am in bussiness with him) but never good enough to receive the perks of a wife (romance, love, kindness etc) we've talked so many times about this, i've tried a 1000 approaches. he hardly notice me but I am very aware that he notice every other woman. I am also not naive to think he must always be romantic, kind etc but hardly seems off-balance to me. the word he say hurts like: "I am used to better" "you do not meet my needs" specially if I try my best to look after myself, dress nicely, participate in activities he like and he never notice or respond. I havn't met anyone (male and female) who don't like him, he is a fun, kind person with an easy personality - that's why I fell in love with him. Its therefore hard not to think I am the problem. I can loose some weight but I know he will just find something else that is "bad" about me. I want to be accepted for who I am, like I said I am not fat but average. I said we can divorse so he can find that perfect woman he is after but he refuse to divorse, if I tell him "you don't want me but still want to keep me, it doesn't make sense" he say he loves me. THE CONTRADICTIONS MAKE ME CRAZY!
has he given you a reason for not wanting a divorce??????
sounds like he has all the good in you, but he simply does not appreciate you.
what i mean by that is he knows exactly where his bread is buttered.
i think you just have to remind him how you feel.
personally his personality and jekyl and hyde character, wil eventually in the long run, make you feel more down in the future and more insecure. less and less loved.
i really do feel for you.
but its really what you want to keep putting up with in your life.
personally i went down the psychological," your fat , your ugly, and who the f--k would ever want you" path with my ex hubby.
it took me a long time to actually say im attractive ( 10 yrs).
but when he says things like that to you, it comes from his own insecurities.
i promise u it wil never change. it wil only go down hill more with him.
I'm really sorry for what you are going through. im going through something similar. my husband says he's attracted to me yet he hardly even looks at me. he's always looking at other girls when we go out. and i finally found out why. he's addicted to porn. he was getting his needs met elsewhere.
I really dont want to put ideas into your head, but its just been my experience that when a guy stops being sexually interested and starts saying you are unattractive that he's gotten into something else.
Just dont question what your intuition is telling you. You are right. this isnt about your weight or about you at all. this is about something he is going through and he's trying to blame you for it. remember that you cant control him. if you decide to stay he's not going to give you what you need for a long time. take care of your own happiness. listen to what your intuition is telling you and not what he says.
As a guy, with friends that are jerks to their wives. This is only one of the techniques of many to keep you on the defense. They do this to keep you looking at your self in a possible negative way-along with just the everyday stresses of life-More pressure on you.The "All eyes on you " and not on me.
Some even take even further, get her pregnant (don't have to be married ) and stress her out alittle at a time up to birth. Once she gives birth-turn up the heat. Now the woman is over weight from the baby,baby crying, she eats more because of the stress,he comes home and wakes the baby up ( like it is by accident ), not enough sleep for mom,got to go to work, and these guys keep it going. As a way of control. The key to this is "Sleep Deprivation " Keep you in the "Fog "
You sound like my parents. My father's mother was a 'loose' woman and my father knew about her adventures while growing up. My mother was absolutely beautiful when she was younger and is still an attractive woman today, but she never really knew because my father has always put her down. Your husband is insecure and is trying his best to keep you feeling low so that you will never stray.
Unless he's willing to go to counseling then I am not sure what else can be done. More than likely this is a very deep seated issue. My father, also, has a great laid back personality and no one would ever think that he can be as evil to my mother as he is.
It doesn't matter how much weight you lose because the problem has truly nothing to do with you. My mom was 120 lbs and 5'4" with DD breasts(natural) and she was still "not toned enough, etc."
Is this really a weight problem?
