Missing wedding ring...

Kessandra · 11-19-2010, 05:35 PM

Hi all, I could use some perspective. I have been married for 1.5 yrs (together 5yrs).

My husband and I had some issues emerge right after getting married. I had found out he was very secretive about our relationship - he did not tell his family we had married and his coworkers didn't know I existed. We have careers in neighboring cities and I was unaware of this until we after we married/started planning to join our households.

We married in the courthouse with the plan of a wedding ceremony & rings afterward.

After the secretive stuff, we had a big argument and he canceled our ceremony, my dress and our rings.

It was a terrible time for us, I went "home" and we had numerous discussions abut our future etc.

Since then we now live together, and he has followed through with most of my expectations (introducing me, telling people etc).

Whatever the cause most of that now seems to be behind us. What started all of this - I honestly don't know, I don't feel I have ever gotten a real explanation. But he has "fixed" it so to speak. I have decided to let most of it go in order to move forward with our marriage.

We are doing great on the day to day with each other, and have been for the last year. His coworkers like me, we socialize etc. He keeps saying he still wants a party but he is now very busy with work so I frankly don't expect it to happen. Now that so much time is passing, it seems silly to pursue.

What does bother me still is our rings. He says he wants them and for several reasons (some legitimate) keeps postponing having them made, the design is nearly finished and the jeweler has had us on hold for 1.5yrs.

He said recently he would talk to the jeweler and start the process but he didn't, saying he got busy etc. I can't help but feel he is being evasive and postponing.

I have told him the rings are important to me, and I know he is a little old fashioned in that he originally wanted to be the one to design and "surprise" me with a ring. I have offered to work on it for us but he wants to do it.

Dang. I guess I feel a little cheated, we had a wonderful but quick little ceremony with the idea of everything after the fact. I guess I feel a little "tricked" or just let down now. This is my first marriage, his second.

I don't want to demand a ring, that just seems sad, this was something something for us both.

I don't know, maybe none of this matters, it is just a ring. Perhaps I should just let it go but it still stings.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate any thoughts, Kes

greeneyeddolphin · 11-19-2010, 05:44 PM

When I was married to my first husband, I put on my wedding ring on our wedding day, and that ring did not come off until the day I threw it out in the yard when I told him I wanted a divorce. When/if my boyfriend and I marry, I expect both of us to wear a ring, and unless it needs to be off for safety reasons (say, to avoid catching it on something at work and getting injured), I expect us both to wear the ring all the time.

I don't think you're wrong to feel bothered by this. A wedding ring is the one thing that tells the world that you are married. It's not like your marriage license is tattooed on your forehead; you can't run around showing everyone your wedding pictures all the time. The ring is a subtle yet blatant signal to the world that you are married and not available. It makes sense that it would bother you that you two don't have them.

Have you asked him what the hold up is? I know he keeps giving you reasons, but maybe it's time to sit down and have a very honest talk.

I have to say, the secrecy with which all this took place and he treated you, the fact that neither of you wears a ring would be a major red flag to me. It would make me think he doesn't want anyone to know he's married, and I'd want to know why.

Kessandra · 11-19-2010, 08:37 PM

Not to belittle your divorce, but thanks for making me laugh as to how your ring finally came off!

I saw all of this as a red flag as well, so much in fact I investigated him. sigh.

I wish I hadn't felt the need at the time, and the timing saddens me. But he was "clean", and not to excuse my actions, it was necessary for me to move forward. He is aware of some of it.

I realize some people are skilled deceivers and we all can be fooled, but I really feel he isn't the "cheating kind" and I have no reason to believe that to date.

Best, Kes

unbelievable · 11-20-2010, 07:32 AM

A ring is just a piece of metal. A symbol. Lots of very unhappy people wear them. If a ring is important to you and hubby drags his heels, buy one yourself and have him put it on you. With or without a ring, you're married and it's the quality of the marriage that's most important. My grandparents are giddy, stupid, happy in love and have been for over 70 years. Neither ever had nor ever wore a ring. If you've got a great guy (or at least a decent one), isn't that what's really important? Go visit any pawn shop and look at all the gorgeous rings engagement and wedding rings. Each one of them was put on by someone who promised to wear it forever and now, they're in a pawn shop.

Atholk · 11-20-2010, 07:43 AM

This is kinda idiotic of him.