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"I don't have the means to leave"

17K views 203 replies 38 participants last post by  Deejo 
#1 ·
I see people saying this all the time here on TAM. Mostly women. The odd guy I guess, but pretty much all women.

I do not get this. I see women post about living in horrible conditions - their husband verbally abusing them daily, cheating on them and flaunting it, refusing to allow them their own money, and much worse.

Is saying "I don't have the means to leave" the same thing as saying "I'm a victim of abuse and I need help to leave"? Are there really this many women out there who have what amounts to battered person syndrome? I really hope not. But I don't like the alternative either - that too many women today are no more independent than they were 150 years ago and that they depend on a MAN to provide them with the necessities of life. That they're simply unable to fathom the idea of being on their own and providing for themselves, to the point that they live in abject misery for years. Or that they're just too lazy to do it, or too uneducated.

I do not know the answer, but I do know that it really bothers me when someone posts on here for YEARS about their horrible husband, yet just continues to take it and never does anything to change it. Hell, it bothers me when someone just posts on here for a couple of DAYS about the way their husband has treated them for years or decades. Does it bother you?
 
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#189 ·
Jellybean, you're missing the point that asking "what can I do to help" opens the door for brainstorming & openness about the situation to happen.

I learned the hard way that friends who don't ask how to help probably aren't pretty helpful. That's proven true (from both sides of the coin) in non-emergency situations with different friends since then. If friends see another friend struggling and sanctimoniously offer "just stop/get out" suggestions only, there's probably not much of an in-depth friendship there. Friends who honestly say things like "This is daunting, I can't help you leave but I can look up phone numbers for you" or even "I can bring you food" or "I can take you out for coffee while we talk" make a huge impact.
 
#190 ·
Jellybean, you're missing the point that asking "what can I do to help" opens the door for brainstorming & openness about the situation to happen.
I have not missed the point at all.

:)

We simply do not agree as to the thread subject. And I am totally fine with that.

I am all for advocating women not stay in the sh*t relationships they talk about wanting to get out of. But in the end, it is up to that individual woman to actually leave. Nothing anyone else says or does or asks or offers will make a difference until she actually decides for herself to make a move.

You can lead a horse to water...



 
#191 ·
"a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action."
There's a big difference between someone who gets hit by a car crossing the road and someone who repeatedly stands in the middle of a busy freeway every single day and eventually gets hit by a car.

Nikita, as a feminist, I'm sure you're familiar with this definition of domestic abuse
.

YOU don't define how I think. I'm not into group think. I am a feminist in that I believe that women should have equal rights...I DO NOT conform to the belief that women cannot reasonably predict the escalation of an abusive relationship or do not have the power to leave other types of bad relationships.

I also referred through most of my posts to 'bad relationships'...not just domestic violence. There are an entire class of women that choose to stay in a myriad of bad relationships for a variety of reasons.

Why they do that is their own business...however they are NOT victims. Period.

There's a boatload of research out there contradicting your opinion that these women just need to get it together, suck it up and stop complaining while they leave.
You obviously suffer from a lack of reading comprehension. I don't care if they complain. I simply don't prescribe the whiner club who whine along with them and call them victimized. They aren't...they're participants in their own demise....which again, is their own choice. Whether they choose to leave those relationships is up to them...however, there are systems set-up to provide the means to do so and they do not have to choose what they do.

It always cracks me up when some other "so-called" feminist tells me how I'm supposed to think.
 
#193 ·
I pose these questions because I am genuinely curious.
Why does it bother you what other women do or don't do in THEIR relationships?
Outside of being concerned with another woman's mental & physical well being, I am honestly at a loss as to why a woman's relationship choices are a blimp on your radar.
Would you be okay with other women judging you & your life choices?
 
#196 · (Edited)
I believe that within your own post here, you have answered your own question.

By and large, I don't care what a woman does or does not do in her relationship. I can accept that many women are quite satisfied with their life choices are not seeking feedback and/or advise in this forum. I can accept that most women are mentally, emotionally and physically capable of handing problems that may come up from time to time and do not seek out advise as to how to handle any problems that arise. Again, those women will not be posing their dilemmas here, on a forum.

However, once a woman opens a thread on this forum and seeks out advise from others as to how to handle a given situation, she opens herself up to honest feedback and probing questions in order that the reader may offer a more specific solution. Judging is part of that process. Is the woman physically, emotionally and/or mentally capable of performing that which is necessary to resolve her issue? Are we not allowed to care that she may not be capable of resolving her issues?

And lets assume that she is perfectly capable of resolving her issues but chooses not to? Are we now not allowed to question her motives in posing her problem with no intention of resolving the matter?

By and large, there are many women handling their issues who don't post their life problems on an internet forum and, as a result, can keep their issues private. Once a woman poses her problem here the rest of us can assume that she has found no answers within her "real life" and is seeking answers from anonymous internet posters, like us. She can still maintain her privacy, and so can we. That is the benefit of being here in the first place.

For me in general, women's choices are of no concern to me until I read a post here which peaks my interest and seeks advise. Once she has opened up a discussion, the rest of us are free to respond. She may not like all the responses. Heck, I may not like all of the responses. But we are all free to respond as our opinions differ (in accordance with forum rules, of course...lol) :D
 
#195 ·
Tiki, I am sorry to read of your history. :(

I personally have never seen anyone post here seeking advice be dismissed the way you described in your roommate scenario. There may be one lone poster saying things like, it cant be that bad just ride it out, but there will be 5-6 posters being supportive and caring, and giving solid advice.
 
#198 ·
3x, Then re-reading the thread and Nikita's "stupid" comments would be a good idea.

Nikita, I pointed out where you are flat-out factually wrong and you took a personal shot with the straw man credential questioning card. If that's you operate, cool. But it still doesn't make your opinion correct factually. I assume I'm also stupid for not taking advantage of the help I couldn't find, and that that applies to abused women, too?

I'm done with this conversation. You win: you've run yet another woman away from the ladies' forum. Congratulations.
 
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