Still trying..very little progress

lily08 · 08-12-2008, 01:54 PM

About a month ago, my husband and I sat down one night and wrote down 10 things we would like to see change from the other person. We listened and we hung the lists on the fridge so we could see them every day.

We are still working on it, yet I see very little change in either one of us. We really want our marriage to work, but I am wondering if we just let too much time go between fixing us and now we are too far apart.

We can't afford counseling, but nothing we seem to do is helping. We are doing more as a family, and staying home more and going out less. But, I don't know if I am still in love with him. I love him and can't picture my life without him. But I have no excitement. I need help. He's trying so hard, and so am I, but maybe I could try harder. I just need advice.

Amplexor · 08-12-2008, 02:02 PM

Lily08

In your last thread here you were concerned that the two of you had disconnected. He has a low confidence level and you were looking to increase the sexual passion and frequency between you two. What kinds of things are on your lists?

ljtseng · 08-12-2008, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lily08

my husband and I sat down one night and wrote down 10 things we would like to see change from the other person.

To be quite honest, i think this was your mistake. Picking ten things about the other person really isnt healthy. In the beginning of my marriage I would tell my H what i wanted him to change. I thought if he would just do this, this, and this, then we could be happy. Now I realize that in doing that i wasnt respecting him, or taking accountability for my own happiness.

I bought Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend and started doing that and the workbook. It really helped me.

Also another favorite is The Five Love Languages.

Make a list of ten things you can do to start taking care of your own happiness and how you can better your marriage and things will turn around.

lily08 · 08-12-2008, 02:41 PM

Well, the ten things that I would like to see him build on are:
Responsibility- to himself, our marriage, and our lives financial
Confidence-confidence in himself to believe in himself more
Individualism-being more independent, doing things for himself. He never does anything with friends, he started school lately, which is a step forward.
Communication-communicating to me when he is upset, hurt, lonely, even happy
Realistic Romance- not trying so hard to be romantic but rather just letting things happen naturally.

His 10 things for me were:
Compasion- being more compassionate towards him
Gratitude-being more thankful for the things he does rather than focusing on what he doesnt do
Trust-trusting that he will do the right thing
Love-love for him as well as love for myself

I think it was a good step to see what things we needed from each other. It has helped open my eyes to what he needs from me and that I am not the only one needing things. I just find it hard to work on these things. I just want things to happen naturally, if that makes sense.

Amplexor · 08-12-2008, 03:00 PM

All are positive attributes in a good relationship. How are you trying to measure success? Do you each affirm positives by the other on a regular basis?

lily08 · 08-12-2008, 03:16 PM

I guess I'm just measuring it by my happiness and our interaction. We are getting closer and there is less judgement and anger, but I just don't feel closer to him in the way that I want to, passionate and love. I think we are on our way, but I feel like maybe we're missing something huge, the one step that could help. I dunno.

Amplexor · 08-12-2008, 03:33 PM

When couples disconnect it can take a long time to recover. Usually longer than it did to first fall in love because now there is more baggage to overcome. I think you are taking the right steps to try and move closer as a couple. Bravo!!! Give things time and continue to help each other in your improvements and things can recover to get that “in love” feeling back.

justean · 08-12-2008, 05:45 PM

my hubby and i probably tried your method a couple of times.
ok your lists seem to be more in depth than mine.
but with your issues actually being so deep. they wil just take a longer time to resolve.
i actually think your doing well.u just have to keep going.
accept that all marriages hve down time, as well as good.
you cant say your not trying , because you are and thats got to be an appreciated time.

draconis · 08-12-2008, 11:59 PM

Start dating again.

Never enter or leave a room without physical contact (hug or kiss)

Sleep in spoons if you can.

Hold hands when you go out.

Talk and listen to each other everyday.

These are the things that keep my wife and myself so close after ten years of marriage.

draconis