mukey

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on this website. I'm not sure where else to turn.

My husband is a crazy workaholic and it's been bothering me for a long time now. He started a new job in June; it was a job he got through a close contact through one of his previous jobs. The new company he works for gave him a sizable signing bonus (~35k) and the salary he wanted (over 6 figures). We moved to another city for the job. I lost my job in March due to layoffs; I'm still looking for work right now. The job market is really tough. I get resumes out almost daily but haven't gotten any bites yet.

I'm home during the daytime until around 8 or 9pm when my husband gets home. All our friends work so I don't have much interaction during the daytime, except for the security guard downstairs who I go and talk to for a little while every day. All of the daytime groups in my neighbourhood are geared towards older women or moms. I've started doing some volunteer work.

I've spoken to my husband about his working hours and he tells me that it's part of the job and since he received this signing bonus he has to prove himself at work. He says he's under a lot of pressure and I have recognized this. I tell him often that I appreciate that he works so hard and that he is able to provide a good life for us.

The other night we got in a huge fight about priorities; he said I bottled up my emotions and that I am a horrible communicator (his words exactly). I said that I just want to spend more time with him and that I miss him. I told him that I feel worthless for not being able to contribute to the household income and for not having a job. He said that he buys me things all the time (he does) but I told him that I would take less of his money for more of his time any day.

The other night while I was at home I received news that my grandmother had passed away. I called him and he didn't pick up his phone. He texted me a minute later and said, "I'm leaving soon". I told him to call me and when he did a few minutes later, I told him the news about my grandmother. When he got home he said, "sorry about your grandmother; why were you crying?" I told him I was upset. He kissed me on the forehead and said, "sorry". He hasn't asked how I've been doing since. He did work from home the day after my grandmother passed away; that morning he said, "see? I don't always think about work". One of his colleagues (and a good friend of ours) came over in the afternoon and they talked about work stuff for a couple hours.

Now it's Christmas Eve and it's 4pm and he's still not home. Since we had our fight a few nights ago he has been looking over my shoulder every time I receive a text message asking "who's that? What are you talking about? Who are you texting?" I keep in touch with my friends from our hometown by texting since it's the cheapest way. I think he thinks I might be cheating.

I told him that I wanted to leave for a few days so he could see what it's like to not have me around to cook for him, clean the house, drive him around (he doesn't like to drive) and do his laundry. He took it as me saying that I want to leave (divorce) him.

I feel like I can't rely on him for any emotional support. He has been sending me a lot of mixed signals.

What do the ladies think?

Sorry my post is so long.

major misfit

In all honesty, I don't know exactly what to think. I know that for some men, their pride comes in the size of their paycheck. They feel good about themselves to be able to provide the things for their family that they want them to have. It might be easier for him to WORK than to spend quality time. I don't know your husband, that's just what came to mind.

I'm kinda like you...hence my username. I was forced into early "retirement" (disability), and though I'm 52 with a 10yo still...my child's peers parents are much younger than I am. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. So I'm home all day b/c I CAN'T work (THAT was a rude awakening, don'tcha know...took me 10 years to adjust), and others my age aren't raising small children for the most part.

You gotta get busy. You need to find a hobby or interest to do during this time while you're unemployed. Volunteer at a hospital or nursing home...doing something good for someone else can be good for the soul. I'm not a hobby person myself, so I can't practice what I preach. But there's got to be something you could do to occupy your time until you get back on the job.

I do want to send you my condolences on your grandmother. And wish you luck on your job search.

__________________
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. ***Maya Angelou

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve" ***Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu

MsLonely

Time is not important, enjoying the time being together is important.

Personally, I saw you have lots of confusions to be cleared. So get them cleared asap before you husband arrives home from a long tiring day.

Since you have free time at home, you can take this good chance to create so many sparks with your husband.

Just an idea:
Taking a shower together, enjoy a romantic meal with lovely music, oil massage, followed by a naughty game and hot sex.

All the time being with him, you spend in being wayward, questioning him instead of loving him.

greenpearl

Mukey,

Mslonely said something very nice here.

I know spending time alone all day is tiring, but when your husband is home, you should enjoy spending time together instead of making him more stressed and two of you spending more time in a negative way.

MM and Pandakiss give very good advice too. Find a nice forum, chat with people on line, it is a lot of fun. That's what I do. TAM is a very nice forum, most of people here are nice. We are here every day, we talk about all kinds of things here, it is very interesting!!! Friends on forums are actually more fun than friends in real life. More genuine, less pressure! My opinion!

SimplyAmorous

Don't know about this one, I love my real life friends, nothing can replace them, love 'em more than family. BUt yeah, when they are out working everyday & the husband is gone , if you ENJOY computers enough & have a enjoyable hobby, you can find almost any forum under the sun with like minded people posting. Google your specific interest + forum/message board & see what all you can find ! Then you can indulge yourself with other like minded people. It surely helps the time pass!

If your primary Love Language is "Quality time" (I think for many of us, this means quantity time too unfortunetly!), being married to a Work Aholic will be very very difficult. I am thankful my husband is not this, I would miss him way too much. I'd rather have less money. I used to visit FRUGAL forums just so we can do well living on less.

He doesn't drive -how odd -why? So you drive him to & from work every day?

Sounds like you do not enjoy domestic homemaker duties - the cooking, cleaning, laundry. Do you feel finding a Job for yourself will help lift your spirits -being more in contact with people every day ? Would still have the cooking, laundry & cleaning when you get home to catch up on though, considering his hours at work.

greenpearl

Lucky you!

I tend to bring people's misery on me, when I am with female friends(I don't have any male friends, you know me), they complain about this and they complain about that, it sounds to me that their world is shattering, but they are fine, they just want some one to listen to their problems. I am done with it. I am not a complainer, I don't like it when people get together and the only thing they do is complaining about their life.

On forums, I was the same at the beginning, when I see people complaining, I felt that their life is shattered, I feel sad for them. Now I am better, something I have to work on. It is only life, everybody is struggling with something! I shouldn't take it too personally!!!

But I stay away from people in real life, I am nice to them, but I don't want to be close to them!

AFEH

Mukey,
Your H has a good job and he’s working hard to prove himself. You’re not in debt and you can easily pay the bills.

Neither you or your H doesn’t have a job, you’re in debt and the bills keep rolling in and you can’t pay them. The electric is due to be cut off tomorrow and if you don’t catch up on the arrears on your mortgage your home will be repossessed next month.

Which situation do you prefer? Sometimes we should count our blessings!

I was a workaholic. Loved my job, covered all the bills and was able to treat my wife. Sometimes you’ve just got to get creative and “plan” things. Do you manage the money? If you don’t then do it. Then you will know what’s spare and you can start planning things. Meals out, weekends away, holidays, activities in the evening. Sit down with your H and his diary. Ask him when his free time is over the next month, book yourself in his diary … and make those plans!!!

Bob

KTwo

I think you have something there Bob. I am in a similar situation to the person who started this thread. i am beginning to realize that I have to take the initiative and plan things. Set up times to do things together and get them on a calendar. Start talking to each other more about what the next week or month is going to look like.

mtg2

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mtg2

While I agree with some of the above, a hobby doesn't replace the lack of attention from your husband. I am married to a workaholic, 16 years now. He has not been home before 11 (Thursday was 2 am) once this week until tonight. Much to my surprise, he is on his way. So probably 7:30 ish. I never know when he will be home for sure as work is first and should someone need to meet with him as he is walking out the door, well, then we will just have to wait. We - me and 3 kids. It has always been this way.

It is all relative. As I would love 8 or 9 or anything regular, it isn't working for you. Let him know that even though you support his efforts that being out of a job coupled with him being gone is taking a toll on you. Tell him you need more support, emotional support, through this. Simple gestures can go a long way and can help maintain a connection. The time can be filled with hobbies but it can't fill the emotional bank or relationship need you may have.
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luvmydarling

mukey,
Your husband could be my twin. I know how it feels like because I'm in the same situation for a long time now. My husband works very long hours too,14-16 hours, and he goes at 7am and is back only by 9 pm. Then,after dinner he works from home for some time. All this has sucked the quality time from us. I also don't work currently and this makes me sooo lonely during the day. Ofcourse,I've gotten used to it. I volunteer once a week at a hospital. I don't even have kids yet so its just me and the walls of the house everyday. I do all the chores,cooking,laundry etc and wait for the husband everyday. This can be so stressful.
It is important that we stay happy and positive about this phase of our lives. Like others have mentioned, open yourself on forums, start a blog if you enjoy writing(I do this),learn a new hobby(I learnt knitting), meet your friends/talk to family etc.
Look at it this way - you have a chance to take care of yourself, kid(s) and keep the house even more beautiful and clean. Another thing that I forgot to mention is, I plan outdoor activities every 1-2 months,this month we are going to the poconos . We always go alone on trips because we REALLY need that quAlity time , sometimes we go with friends too. You could do something like this. Plan some outdoor week end activities.Ofcourse, nothing can math the attention and time that we get from our spouses but atleast it will keep you mentally healthy. I went through depression for 5 months in 2009 because I could not handle all this and morever, I moved far far far away from my family,in johannesburg, because my husband got a new job here in New York. And, yes, we need to keep ourselves happy when the husband arrives home. I have seen my husband grow even more sad when he come home,all tired, and sees me upset too.He feels more welcome when he sees me with a smiling face and a warm kiss at the door. that takes all the tiredness off him.

so,try to be happy,and keep looking for a job. Good luck!

LonelyNLost

Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? What it seems is going on here is that his primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation. He thinks that he's showing you love by working hard and providing for you, giving you gifts, etc. Your Love Language is quality time. You feel loved when you spend time together, doing things together. You aren't feeling loved by him and he isn't feeling loved by you. Yes, your situation is difficult. It's sounds like staying home all day is NOT for you. Could you volunteer at a school or nursing home? Is there a hobby you could take up while you look for a job? I know it's hard to swallow that your hubby is a workaholic. Mine is too. But it doesn't sound as if that's something that's going to change. So you'll have to figure out how to do the most with the time you've got together.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

Mrs.G

If your husband took you for granted, he would not be working so hard to give you a good life. For many men, the way they show their love is providing.

You need to develop your own independence outside the marriage.

randa

I think some of you have no idea of what a workaholic actually is. My husband of 25 years works all the time. He works long hours and then when he is home, he is working. Usually it means that working is giving the workaholic a good feeling so he keeps going back for more and more and finally life is unbalanced.

When I was home with the kids I figured it balanced out somewhat but after years of being a SAHM and then working part time, I am now working 30-40 hours a week. Since I will NEVER work as much as he does, he justifies this to mean that it is right and fair that I do most of the household chores and childrearing duties. When he does something it is like we all need to stand up and applaud.

Since working hard is basically a good thing, it is next to impossible to get him to see that he is choosing work over us because it gives him a good feeling--being a husband and father is grunt work and at work he has other people to do that. I wish I had some advice. I am looking for a marriage counselor myself. Sometimes it's easier for a person to hear the truth from an objective observer.

ahightower84

Hello,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother and I will pray for added strength for you and your family.

Well my husband is the same way. So I TRULY know what you mean and how you feel. The best thing to do that has worked for me is to be patient. Men have a ego thats bigger the world itself and when he married you he married you to take care of you and provide to the best of his ability. Thats what he is doing and its up to us as wives to be supportive even when we do not want to. Granted Im talking all this and still have trouble doing it. I know you need a support system and your HUSBAND at home more than he is now, but im sure it will get better with time.

Good luck