just when you think you have enough of it to pull through, life proves you wrong =/
I'm new here. Lurking around, i see it's a wonderful place with such supportive people. and i need just that.
it's only been 2 months since i got married (been together for almost 2 years now) and already it's starting to try my patience.
Our marriage is a little unorthodox; we had to keep it a secret from his side of the family, which was hard enough on its own. it's a long dirty story of prejudice and plain old ignorance but in a nutshell, we're living together in secret and my husband isn't able to spend so much time at home, what with being there for his parents, his job, his classes and everything in between. so he comes over an average of 4 hours a day and we try to make the most of it.
I'm really proud of him, the choices he's made with me and how strong both of us have been so far. it won't be long now til we can properly live together like a real married couple.
but i've gotta tell ya, i'm running out of patience FAST and i don't want him to notice. I know it's too early to tell, but i like to think this is as difficult as our marriage is ever going to be. I want to get through this in one piece and with my sanity intact. am i weak for doubting myself only after 2 months?
what was the most difficult time for you guys? what do you pride yourselves on overcoming?
i desperately need a fix of tolerance right about now. don't hold back~
I'm contemplating the sweet sugar-induced masterplan to break into his parent's place (yes that's where he, my HUSBAND, has to sleep every night) murder them, sneak into his bed, ravish him senseless and then kidnap him back home where he belongs. and carry on the ravishing of course.
perrrrfect.
i feel like a frkn teenager sneaking around with her boyfriend...this is so not what i signed up for
I'm not understanding why you're hiding your marriage from his parents. You're both old enough to get married, right? I just don't understand this part.
sorry i shouldve explained...
why keep it a secret? I'll have to give you some idea about our little beloved country. i live in a society where arranged marriages are the norm and the politically correct way to get married is to ask your folks to find you someone nice =D wasn't the case with hubs and me, evidently.
so our premarital relationship is reason one. (they have this rule that girls who settle for relationships aren't marriage material, here. and im apparently one of those girls. mind you, we only "settled" for a relationship because they didn't want us married to begin with..!!)
the bigger reason was the political marriage thing, they'd wanted their son to marry someone of stature, they'd rather die than have my filthy bloodline taint theirs...or something along those lines. yes, they're dead serious. and i mean it, they would literally die, theyre not in very good health atm. having filthy little me in their family is the last thing they need. and i don't really care about that as much as im worried they'll keep blaming my husband for tearing the family apart. dramatic babies are dictating our lives. control freaks doesn't even begin to describe them, Pandakiss. but hey that's our older generation for ya.
and no, my husband's paying for all our expenses AND some of my in-laws'. the only thing they have on him is the guilt card and daaamn they use it well
wow huge load-off.
so basically, we can't tell them because we (read: he) care so much about them. so we're crashing in the closet until hopefully right after ma-in-law's surgery, which for her sake and ours had better go well.
either that or she croaks, win win for me :r
plus when they're away for surgery we get to actually live together full time. yay?
that's where patience comes in >=| hope that was elaborate enough
I guess the answer to your problem is in the title of your own thread (frustrating, I know!). After all you knew what you were getting into while dating/marrying.
I am assuming you are Japanese Japanese (very good American English BTW). You seem to be very progressive (because you question the strict dictates of your own culture -- something that I've known very few Japanese women to do).
Crossing my fingers for you there!
I wasn't aware that the caste system still plays a huge role in the Japanese society.
Ok...all I can tell you is what you already know...patience. I know that in some countries the arranged marriage has served people very well. In fact, marrying for love (even here) is a relatively new thing (in the last few hundred years or so, I don't remember the stats exactly). Marriage was to secure property, and to ensure that no "undesirables" were admitted to a family. Probably only the lowest of classes married for something other than property reasons, and even at that I'm not so sure it was love.
There are some kinds of people I wouldn't want my daughters marrying. But if they did, they would have my love and support. As it is I'm not crazy about the man my oldest daughter married, but they have my ONLY grandchild so I keep my big mouth shut. I welcome him and treat him with the respect that is his due as my daughter's husband and the father of my grandchild. It's not easy sometimes, but SHE picked him. So I guess you're just going to have to remain patient. Hard to do, I'm sure. And it doesn't sound like there would be any way to win them over, so you're going to just have to keep doing what you've been doing apparently. Dang, I'm sorry about that.
sorry i shouldve explained...
why keep it a secret? I'll have to give you some idea about our little beloved country. i live in a society where arranged marriages are the norm and the politically correct way to get married is to ask your folks to find you someone nice =D wasn't the case with hubs and me, evidently.
so our premarital relationship is reason one. (they have this rule that girls who settle for relationships aren't marriage material, here. and im apparently one of those girls. mind you, we only "settled" for a relationship because they didn't want us married to begin with..!!)
Haha forbidden fruit is the sweetest no?
Seems our circumstances are different yet surprisingly similar.
On the plus side, at least you two can still walk down the street as a couple and not get stared at.
Quote:
the bigger reason was the political marriage thing, they'd wanted their son to marry someone of stature, they'd rather die than have my filthy bloodline taint theirs...or something along those lines. yes, they're dead serious. and i mean it, they would literally die, theyre not in very good health atm. having filthy little me in their family is the last thing they need. and i don't really care about that as much as im worried they'll keep blaming my husband for tearing the family apart. dramatic babies are dictating our lives. control freaks doesn't even begin to describe them, Pandakiss. but hey that's our older generation for ya.
That's how my mother-in-law felt about me too, that I'm "pagan" "barbarian" "wild" "unstable" "unreliable", just because of my ethnic background, religion, and even high school results etc - I made her look like an idiot since marriage by proving her and to everyone else they were wrong. We've reconciled now but it took about... 1.5 years.
Quote:
and no, my husband's paying for all our expenses AND some of my in-laws'. the only thing they have on him is the guilt card and daaamn they use it well
wow huge load-off.
so basically, we can't tell them because we (read: he) care so much about them. so we're crashing in the closet until hopefully right after ma-in-law's surgery, which for her sake and ours had better go well.
either that or she croaks, win win for me :r
plus when they're away for surgery we get to actually live together full time. yay?
that's where patience comes in >=| hope that was elaborate enough
Things do get better, at least in my case - it's been 2 years and there's still issues to iron out when it comes to external pressures but many are over. Focusing internally however is what is required, it's you and him against the world, and it's not impossible to pull off unless you and him start resenting each other due to external problems.
I guess the answer to your problem is in the title of your own thread (frustrating, I know!). After all you knew what you were getting into while dating/marrying.
I am assuming you are Japanese Japanese (very good American English BTW). You seem to be very progressive (because you question the strict dictates of your own culture -- something that I've known very few Japanese women to do).
Crossing my fingers for you there!
I wasn't aware that the caste system still plays a huge role in the Japanese society.
Love your avatar
naw, as tempted as i am to let on that i'm Japanese, i wouldn't want to give you a false impression on their culture. and however strict their conventions can be, they're pretty admirable ne?
and believe me i'm all for conserving tradition and keeping true to your roots as well. Some families are just to insufferably stubborn! ANY change is bad change and anyone different is not good enough for their own. you just can't use reason with those people.
my husband and i are moving to Japan and raising our kids there, where everyone's well treated and respected. it'll be great for them. so please keep em crossed til then! it is frustrating that it's down to patience, that's why i'm here. i plan on stealing some of yours =3
Ok...all I can tell you is what you already know...patience. I know that in some countries the arranged marriage has served people very well. In fact, marrying for love (even here) is a relatively new thing (in the last few hundred years or so, I don't remember the stats exactly). Marriage was to secure property, and to ensure that no "undesirables" were admitted to a family. Probably only the lowest of classes married for something other than property reasons, and even at that I'm not so sure it was love.
There are some kinds of people I wouldn't want my daughters marrying. But if they did, they would have my love and support. As it is I'm not crazy about the man my oldest daughter married, but they have my ONLY grandchild so I keep my big mouth shut. I welcome him and treat him with the respect that is his due as my daughter's husband and the father of my grandchild. It's not easy sometimes, but SHE picked him. So I guess you're just going to have to remain patient. Hard to do, I'm sure. And it doesn't sound like there would be any way to win them over, so you're going to just have to keep doing what you've been doing apparently. Dang, I'm sorry about that.
I totally agree with you on every point and commend you for that. i just wish my inlaws cared about their son the way you care about your daughter, no, they don't hate me because they don't think i'd be a good wife to him, they hate me because i wouldn't make a good obedient little daughter in law for them.
and my husband did say having a child would help win them over. seeing as how that's the main reason you're putting up with your son in law, i'm beginning to like the idea
I swear to God, though, if they didn't want me because i'm not good enough and they had something better planned for him, then i'll be more than glad to step aside. but i know for a fact that i care about my husband more than everyone who knows him put together, and i know what's best for him at least better then they do, or care to. i have my husband's best interest in mind, not how to best cater to his parent's every whim.
i really respect the kind of mother in law you are and i plan on doing exactly the same with our kids. give them the freedom to choose but only with the wisdom to choose well!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blanca
have you guys talked about a specific time when you're going to tell them? if you have a specific time then you might feel better.
won't be more a month, now, if all goes as planned. to be honest, his dad found out 3 days after we got married, he was furious as hell, demanded hysterically that hubs either divorced me or considered himself out of the family, but he did keep it to himself. his mom is still clueless, but sensing. we're hoping to break the not-so-happy news after her recovery so nothing goes HORRIBLY bad...
he'll tell his dad he's sticking with me, and just hope he doesn't have a stroke =D
i dont know if having a specific date is any better though, the dreading is killing me, and its affecting everything else in our life, like it's all on hiatus til this is over with.
the honeymoon every girl dreams of, aint it~
i think you should not worry about what anybody thinks, there will always be nay-sayers any where you go.
when you tell your love stroy someone will judge your actions good or bad.
i understand, when someone is sick and hospitalized, it takes a toll, but...umm guilt takes it toll on you too. my MIL used her guilt on me to bring my kids over or to let them stay the nite...i dont like the way she parents, and she didnt like me being mixed race...
she held it over me for years, eventually i just didnt care anymore, and her guilt dosent work, she is salty, and sitting with her bad uncontroled kids with out us, and we dont care, we dont owe her anything.
she can hold her breath til she is blue in the face, until she talks nice to me and treats me like a person, and not a pit stop in his life.
i hope you can figure it out, stay strong whatever you decide to do, but talk to him and see where is head is at.
Thanks a lot. i wish i'd get to where you're at soon. in all honestly i couldnt care less what the inlaws think of me, i just wish people would just leave us alone and let us have a life together already. he's a family guy and they're always going to be part of our lives since family means everything to him. he's not guilted into it, he just cares. so i'm going to have a lot of "not caring" to do to stay sane =/
Haha forbidden fruit is the sweetest no?
Seems our circumstances are different yet surprisingly similar.
On the plus side, at least you two can still walk down the street as a couple and not get stared at.
That's how my mother-in-law felt about me too, that I'm "pagan" "barbarian" "wild" "unstable" "unreliable", just because of my ethnic background, religion, and even high school results etc - I made her look like an idiot since marriage by proving her and to everyone else they were wrong. We've reconciled now but it took about... 1.5 years.
Things do get better, at least in my case - it's been 2 years and there's still issues to iron out when it comes to external pressures but many are over. Focusing internally however is what is required, it's you and him against the world, and it's not impossible to pull off unless you and him start resenting each other due to external problems.
ugh, i'd LOVE it if all we had was internal issues. i read some of your threads Dude and i can relate to every single thing you said. it was hard enough reconciling our different ideologies, religions, and convictions and compromising for the sake of staying together. it was one of the hardest things we ever had to do. and now we have to hide so much from people just so our personal living arrangement doesn't disturb their precious moral codes?
what bothers me most is that we're going through all this right now just for his parents' sake, but they'll never get that, they'll still call him a bad son and a disappointment. i'm not the least bit worried about us, nothing will get to us, but i'm HATING how no one sees that he's a great son, a great husband and overall and great human being, and everything else falls under THAT. we're just trying to live the best life for us and our kids and there's no one right way to do that.
time WILL prove everyone wrong, hopefully. but i'm not gonna waste our life waiting for that to happen. that's part of the reason why we're moving away. faaaaar away >=| it'll be just us in our own little world and all our lovely internal issues, the bickering and bantering and everything in between. we'll live happily and peacefully while our families kill each other off lol
naw, as tempted as i am to let on that i'm Japanese, i wouldn't want to give you a false impression on their culture. and however strict their conventions can be, they're pretty admirable ne?
and believe me i'm all for conserving tradition and keeping true to your roots as well. Some families are just to insufferably stubborn! ANY change is bad change and anyone different is not good enough for their own. you just can't use reason with those people.
my husband and i are moving to Japan and raising our kids there, where everyone's well treated and respected. it'll be great for them. so please keep em crossed til then! it is frustrating that it's down to patience, that's why i'm here. i plan on stealing some of yours =3
Oh. My husband told me (he is ethnically Indian) a story of once when he was a kid he was told by somebody in a village in India how "white" wives are very bad, selfish etc. He replied: "U-huh, and how many "white" wives have you known?"
In some parts/situations in India it is still socially unacceptable for a husband and wife to walk down a street holding hands. But there are tons of men, friends, who hold hands, hug in public. And they are NOT gay! LOL
It's become my mantra in those "weird cultural difference" situations. Just repeat after me: "It's an Asian thing **breathe in**, it's an Asian thing **breathe out**" LOL
Although, I have to say that my husband is not one to give in and conform. He would only apply himself to social/cultural norms where it really matters, only where it would benefit him.
If he did that on a normal, day-to-day basis, odds are I would have a huge problem with it.
Patience, Patience, Patience... 
