Frustrated and Sad

DogNerd · 12-28-2010, 11:47 PM

Hello,

I am new on this forum... this is my second post. Here is a link to the other, posted on the "Sex and Marriage" board: Long-term Dissatisfaction and Disinterest

Anyways, I realized after I typed out that big long post, that it might not completely be the right place for it. Bottom line: I am feeling extremely down about the state of my (almost) 3 year marriage. I have gradually come to the very scary conclusion that I don't like a lot of things about my husband.

We married when I was very young (started dating at 19, married at 21... I'm now 24. He's 28, almost 29) and I probably ignored a lot of things that I shouldn't have. And now I have to deal with the consequences. I don't believe marriage should be entered into lightly, and am committed to trying my best to fix things. But sometimes I wonder if he can ever be what I really want/need... and conversely, if I can ever be what he needs.

My main issues:

1) He's very emotionally immature--and insecure. We are currently in a long-distance marriage until May of next year (I'm in grad school), and he constantly accuses me of cheating on him with various graduate school friends. I would never do that, and I would hope he would know that after over five years together. When I deny it, he accuses me of lying. It gets really old. I've done my best to allay his concerns, but I still feel like he doesn't really trust me.

2) He is very critical of me, constantly nitpicking and bickering with me about stupid stuff. When we fight (1-2x/week on average), he has a tendency to be really mean, swear at me, and call me names, especially when he has been drinking. Over Thanksgiving, he threw my glasses across the room and packed a bag/started his car like he was going to leave me. He wasn't really going to, but wanted me to run after him and beg him to stay. He has played lots of little games like that in the past, and it really bothers me, which I've told him. He has gotten a lot better, though. But he's a very immature fighter, taking lots of "cheap shots" and trying to provoke me. I try to resist but sometimes I can't help but respond.

3) He lies a lot... about really small, seemingly-insignificant things. Things that would not really be an issue if he were just upfront about it. But after catching him in hundreds of little lies, it gets really old. And he doesn't get that just not telling me about something constitutes a lie. Argh.

4) He smokes pot. He did before we met (hardcore), and while we've been together, he has laid off quite a bit, but it has caused some problems for him with a job. He knows I don't like it so he either tries to lie about it when he smokes, or harasses me to "be ok" with it until I finally get annoyed enough to cave in. I thought this would be something he would grow out of, and he's expressed a desire to quit, but it's just... annoying. Last week he blamed me for his inability to quit because he knows I will "cave in" if he harasses me long enough. I just don't think that's fair.

5) He just doesn't act like an adult about a lot of things... and I'm tired of being what seems like the only grown-up in this relationship. He has a hard time focusing on long term goals, doesn't have much ambition in his job (although he makes enough to comfortably support us), and prefers staying at home playing video games or playing with Legos to going out or hanging with other people. It's bizarre.

5) I resent him for several things that have happened in our marriage, which has resulted in me having little-to-no interest in intimacy with him. We have sex about 2-3x a week on average (when he visits on weekens), but it's not enough for him. According to him, I'm a "sex camel" (LOL) and there must be something wrong w/ me because I "never want it." Well, it's hard to want it when he's so pushy and whiny about it all the time!

I guess what I want to know is if it sounds like I'm overreacting in considering divorce.

As our relationship stands right now, I am very unhappy and unfulfilled. I have been going to counseling by myself and that has helped me somewhat with dealing with my anger, but I still don't feel attracted to my husband or really desire any sort of intimacy with him. The sad thing is, most of the time we have a great time hanging out with each other. As long as we aren't thinking about sex, it's mostly okay. But I don't like kissing him or anything. It's very strange. It's very odd feeling like our relationship is slowing dying/dissolving/whatever. I'm just afraid that I'm getting too emotionally distant to have a decent shot at fixing things.

Thoughts?

Tiredspouse0297 · 12-29-2010, 12:31 AM

My quick take because it's late: he's immature and mean to you and it's killed your love for him. Get out while you're young and have no children together!!!

Pandakiss · 12-29-2010, 12:36 AM

sorry but its harsh...hes a man-child. he needs a kick in the butt.

you have to be the aduld here and figure out if he will grow up or not. i think he might, but if he feels he got married to young or to soon, he will act out as he is now.

if you feel you are the adult in the realtionship, its no longer equal standings, but developed in "parent/child" relationshi, and he will rebel like a teenager.

yall need to talk one on one, face to face. you both need to be serious about it and both need to state honestly how you both feel and where thia is heading.

again sorry if im mean but i just wanted to put out a few hard truths. you might have more questions for him, you should ask him. no yelling, or name caling allowed, no call out old crap that dosent pertain to the subject/topic at which is at hand.

good luck, i hope it turns out well....

DogNerd · 12-29-2010, 12:38 AM

No... I appreciate the "harshness!" I am just so used to it, and he is really my first serious/long term relationship, so I don't really know how things are supposed to be. I just know that I'm not happy the way things are. Thank you both for your honesty

MEM11363 · 12-29-2010, 09:34 AM

DN,
What do you do when he "packs" as if he is leaving?

I would say all of your issues seem valid. Meaning they represent bad behavior and they are "major" issues.

How would he react if you printed out your post? You don't need to let him know you "posted" it - you can paste it into MS Word or an email.

If you have children with him - without first fixing this - you are bringing kids into a very broken situation. Not fair to you and not fair to them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DogNerd

Hello,

I am new on this forum... this is my second post. Here is a link to the other, posted on the "Sex and Marriage" board: Long-term Dissatisfaction and Disinterest

Anyways, I realized after I typed out that big long post, that it might not completely be the right place for it. Bottom line: I am feeling extremely down about the state of my (almost) 3 year marriage. I have gradually come to the very scary conclusion that I don't like a lot of things about my husband.

We married when I was very young (started dating at 19, married at 21... I'm now 24. He's 28, almost 29) and I probably ignored a lot of things that I shouldn't have. And now I have to deal with the consequences. I don't believe marriage should be entered into lightly, and am committed to trying my best to fix things. But sometimes I wonder if he can ever be what I really want/need... and conversely, if I can ever be what he needs.

My main issues:

1) He's very emotionally immature--and insecure. We are currently in a long-distance marriage until May of next year (I'm in grad school), and he constantly accuses me of cheating on him with various graduate school friends. I would never do that, and I would hope he would know that after over five years together. When I deny it, he accuses me of lying. It gets really old. I've done my best to allay his concerns, but I still feel like he doesn't really trust me.

2) He is very critical of me, constantly nitpicking and bickering with me about stupid stuff. When we fight (1-2x/week on average), he has a tendency to be really mean, swear at me, and call me names, especially when he has been drinking. Over Thanksgiving, he threw my glasses across the room and packed a bag/started his car like he was going to leave me. He wasn't really going to, but wanted me to run after him and beg him to stay. He has played lots of little games like that in the past, and it really bothers me, which I've told him. He has gotten a lot better, though. But he's a very immature fighter, taking lots of "cheap shots" and trying to provoke me. I try to resist but sometimes I can't help but respond.

3) He lies a lot... about really small, seemingly-insignificant things. Things that would not really be an issue if he were just upfront about it. But after catching him in hundreds of little lies, it gets really old. And he doesn't get that just not telling me about something constitutes a lie. Argh.

4) He smokes pot. He did before we met (hardcore), and while we've been together, he has laid off quite a bit, but it has caused some problems for him with a job. He knows I don't like it so he either tries to lie about it when he smokes, or harasses me to "be ok" with it until I finally get annoyed enough to cave in. I thought this would be something he would grow out of, and he's expressed a desire to quit, but it's just... annoying. Last week he blamed me for his inability to quit because he knows I will "cave in" if he harasses me long enough. I just don't think that's fair.

5) He just doesn't act like an adult about a lot of things... and I'm tired of being what seems like the only grown-up in this relationship. He has a hard time focusing on long term goals, doesn't have much ambition in his job (although he makes enough to comfortably support us), and prefers staying at home playing video games or playing with Legos to going out or hanging with other people. It's bizarre.

5) I resent him for several things that have happened in our marriage, which has resulted in me having little-to-no interest in intimacy with him. We have sex about 2-3x a week on average (when he visits on weekens), but it's not enough for him. According to him, I'm a "sex camel" (LOL) and there must be something wrong w/ me because I "never want it." Well, it's hard to want it when he's so pushy and whiny about it all the time!

I guess what I want to know is if it sounds like I'm overreacting in considering divorce.

As our relationship stands right now, I am very unhappy and unfulfilled. I have been going to counseling by myself and that has helped me somewhat with dealing with my anger, but I still don't feel attracted to my husband or really desire any sort of intimacy with him. The sad thing is, most of the time we have a great time hanging out with each other. As long as we aren't thinking about sex, it's mostly okay. But I don't like kissing him or anything. It's very strange. It's very odd feeling like our relationship is slowing dying/dissolving/whatever. I'm just afraid that I'm getting too emotionally distant to have a decent shot at fixing things.

Thoughts?

sisters359 · 12-29-2010, 09:47 AM

I answered on your other thread but basically agreed with Mem--he has some very serious issues and you are going to have to be ready to tackle things head on if you want to stay married.

If you decide not to stay married, by the way, figure out how you ended up with someone like him. Did he fight fair before? Did you even know him well enough? Many people with personality disorders are able to hide them long enough to "hook" another, and then they start revealing themselves. Missing the flags in those early days is usually the "victim's" problem--something you can work on.