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Old 12-29-2010, 10:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Security...

I can't get this out of my head... what does security in marriage mean to you?
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Security...

"Security" can be something of a red herring. A person who wants "security" is looking for a guarantee that you won't ever leave or betray them. But their degree of security will depend on how they feel about themselves--if they are happy with themselves, they'll trust that you will find them attractive, and if they see themselves as competent, they know they won't fall apart/die if you leave.

There are no guarantees in life. When someone is looking for one, I think it means they have a lot of anxiety and are fearful of loss, the unknown, being unable to take care of themselves, or they just fear the terrible sadness that comes from losing someone they love or what they thought was the person they love. Sadness does not kill, but a lot of people are afraid of it.

Now for the big disclaimer: Feeling secure in a relationship comes from A. feeling secure in one's self; and B. trust. Once the trust is broken, that sense of security is challenged. It may well crumble and until the person rebuilds that internal sense of security, they cannot trust. I think a lot more emphasis gets put on rebuilding trust (faith in the other partner) than in rebuilding the internal sense of security (faith in one's self to survive and flourish regardless of the other person or their behavior)

Obviously, this is just my p.o.v. Your mileage may vary!
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Security...

well sisters359 summed up everything I would have said in a succinct and intelligent response. I have nothing to offer other that "I agree".
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Security...

To me, security in marriage, or in a romantic relationship in general, is about trust. There are no guarantees in life, but security in a relationship should be as close to one as possible. You should be able to be confident that your partner will not cheat, lie, intentionally harm you physically/emotionally/mentally, run your finances into the ground, etc.

Some of that comes from them, and some from you. They must show you that they can be trusted, but you also must be secure and confident enough in yourself to see that they are showing you that.
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I agree with sisters...but there's another component for me as well. Security to me doing what you need to do in the relationship to NOT CAUSE HUGE ISSUES OR PROBLEMS. Security is to not become a raging alcoholic or drug addict. To not be a total screw up at work to cause yourself to lose your job. To not drive like a raging manic to cause yourself to get tickets and tickets to where your insurance is suspended. Just stuff like that. Security for me is trusting that the person I share my life with won't do those things. Security is being able to trust this person with my children. For me, security covers a whole lotta area.
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Old 12-29-2010, 05:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Security to me means: I feel I am totally accepted by my husband, flaws and all included.

My husband would immediately say: money.

Oh yeah, considering this is a question about security in terms of emotions and spirituality.. if I took anything my husband says personally, we wouldn't be married.
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Security...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sisters359 View Post
"Security" can be something of a red herring. A person who wants "security" is looking for a guarantee that you won't ever leave or betray them. But their degree of security will depend on how they feel about themselves--if they are happy with themselves, they'll trust that you will find them attractive, and if they see themselves as competent, they know they won't fall apart/die if you leave.

There are no guarantees in life. When someone is looking for one, I think it means they have a lot of anxiety and are fearful of loss, the unknown, being unable to take care of themselves, or they just fear the terrible sadness that comes from losing someone they love or what they thought was the person they love. Sadness does not kill, but a lot of people are afraid of it.

Now for the big disclaimer: Feeling secure in a relationship comes from A. feeling secure in one's self; and B. trust. Once the trust is broken, that sense of security is challenged. It may well crumble and until the person rebuilds that internal sense of security, they cannot trust. I think a lot more emphasis gets put on rebuilding trust (faith in the other partner) than in rebuilding the internal sense of security (faith in one's self to survive and flourish regardless of the other person or their behavior)

Obviously, this is just my p.o.v. Your mileage may vary!
There is a lot of knowledge in this post. I am far from there with both personal trust and insecurity issues when it comes to personal relationships. There are times I worry that I will never get there even though I'm well aware it's where I want to be.
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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security to me means i dont have to go through anything alone because ive got you
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Old 12-30-2010, 04:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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For me, security just means knowing that my wife is true to me and I don't have to worry about her cheating, and that she's there to work things out before they go down hill. I was in a relationship prior to her where I drove myself crazy when my girlfriend would go out because she just wasn't very trustworthy. It feels good to be able to put the idea of cheating on the shelf and just live my life. It makes everything else in the relationship so much easier.
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Old 12-30-2010, 04:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Security...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandakiss View Post
one word.....acceptance...

an acceptance in everything you do say think and feel.
you have to feel free to be you.

when you accept your partner for all their zanyness, sliiyness, and all the quarks and kinks, it will be happyness to come home to, thus secure in feeling within the marriage.
True. The security to be yourself is a beautiful thing.
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Old 12-31-2010, 05:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Security...

Interesting, tons of different yet similar opinions on this.
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Old 12-31-2010, 01:48 PM   #12 (permalink)
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For me, security is knowing that no matter what, no matter how mad we are, no matter how much we may hate each other AT THAT MOMENT, I know that some how, someway, we will do every thing in our power to find our way back to each other, that we meant it when we said til death do us part and we still mean it, even during the worst of times.
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Old 02-16-2012, 04:41 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Security.....

Is knowing that no matter what kind of day I'm having, good, bad, or ugly.....what circumstances we may be facing...HUGE or small......that he still loves me. Knowing that after all we've been through, if he had to do it all over again, he'd still choose me!
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Security...

Without reading any other replies:

For me, security is knowing that I am my own person and that if anything happens to my hubby I will be just fine on my own. Depending on him for security is something I have never done. I need to provide my own. Part of the reason I love him is because he doesn't feel threatened by this He knows I have made a choice to be with him despite it.
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Security...

Security is how you feel. If you feel centered or assured that when you don't feel centered, you can get back to that feeling, with your partner, then that is security. If you are feeling off-center and when you approach your partner for assistance with that feeling, and you get even more off balance or dizzy, look out, lack of security coming!

I know people get leery of my dance partner analogies but in dancing you have a sense of balance and yes partners make mistakes but some partners you can trust that even with mistakes or you make mistakes that it is laughed off or handled appropriately and you can get back into step quite easily and keep dancing. To me, that's what security feels like. The music keeps playing and the person you are with is both interested and invested in following through. It is a commitment to the dance (security).

It's a feeling, not a checklist or an item on one, for me.
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