I've been married for about a year and a half now. We have so many problems, but the main problem right now, as per usual, is about money. He considers me lazy, though I have a part-time job, AND I go to school. He doesn't want to talk, he never talks...he never communicates, except with this particular girl that's a friend. He sneaks over there to spend time with her, and while most would say he's totally cheating on me, I don't think he is.
Regardless, to this girl, he always talks behind my back. He always says such terrible things about me, and she hates me a lot, so it doesn't help the cycle. Frankly, I think it'd be better with her out of the picture because she's caused more than enough problems and he's always running to her instead of me. She has a habit of talking bad about people, and I think that's just transferred over to my husband and blurred his vision. Even so, while he is childish, and very immature, if our marriage is worth it, I want to hold on and work it through. I.e., if it's just a phase he'll get over or not.
This girl...He yaks to her about how he wants to divorce me, and how his life would be so amazing without me, yet he's pretty delusional....He never lived on his own before this...so he's never had the experience to actually have to pay bills and neither does this girl, either. He only thinks of spending and buying toys, while I want the responsibility to make wise financial choices. He doesn't understand the weighty matters that are important. He just stresses and stresses, and never says a word, except to his friends, like I said. Yet, if he could just learn to talk, or even desire to talk to me, then maybe that pressure could be relieved and we could work through our problems.
Now, I'm not perfect, and you can't just change people, but I want to help my husband. If he could just stop talking bad, and could focus on the positive things, I think our marriage would be more successful. How do you think I can help him do that?
You've got a couple of problems. Both of you must be young. Unfortunately, you seem to be much more mature than your husband. Therefore, your first big problems is that the two of you are a mismatch. I suspect you have a "Peter Pan" on your hands--You are "Wendy" and this other girls is "Tinker Belle". If you have a genuine "Peter Pan", he never will grow up. He will forever be immature.
Next, your husband is cheating. It may only be an emotional affair, but I kind of doubt it. Even if it is only and EA, HE IS STILL CHEATING. He chooses this other chick over you. He is treating you horribly. But, if you really want to keep your husband, it's time for you to require he have no further contact with the other chick. Absolutely none! And that's how you get rid of the bad gossip.
i will just flat out say it....grant his wish. walk out the door. i know you love him...but i think its the wrong love. leave him. let and her have a lovely life that dont include you.
dont sit there and be the but of their inside joke. getting her out of the picture will do nothing to mske hin love you. he does not love you. if he did his actions would be the oppisite.
picture ahead in 5-10 years....there will be a new best friend, and they will still talk smack about you and you will sit at hime sad and alone...
scary. sorry for the harshness of it. but i was the "best friend", and i actually felt so sorry for his SO, i became her friend, and told her all the things he had said. she knew. i stopped talking to either of them.
just let him walk all over someone else. walk away from him. he is mean and disrespectful. and doesnt love you the way you want to be loved.
Yes, both of us are young. I'm 26, my husband is nearing 28.
If I could just "get rid of the girl," I would have done this a long time ago. We didn't start having problems until we got married, and we lived together for quite some time before this.
We never had sex beforehand; I believe in abstinence before marriage. This has caused me a great deal of problems when we got married, because he freaks out over sex. It's like me and my OCD.
I've had several health problems. I have a broken back. I have saliva stones, and my sciatic nerve has been pinched for several months, not to mention I have double vision and, in other words...my health fails. Heck, I had two strokes a few years ago due to a rare blood disease I had. Sometimes, I can barely walk, and I have a hypoglycemic problem as well. My work is struggling right now, so there aren't a lot of hours. Again, that goes back to the financial needs and him freaking out and being completely, absolutely childish and retarded.
I have no family, no friends here.
In other words, I have nowhere to go. My father lost his job...they're barely getting through. My grandmothers aren't in a position to help, either. I have no money in reserve, no place to go. If I could save up something to leave, then fine...but here, right now, all I got is the four walls around me.
So, what can I do? Not too much but try to work through the problem at this point in time.
Yes, if he honestly loved me, he'd see the error of his ways. But things aren't so simple. What he considers right and wrong are different, but you're going to have that happen regardless of the people around you. He's a stubborn man. (Not that I'm not quite bullheaded myself.)
So, right now, it's like, "Work til you can get out...but what to do in the meantime?"
Like it or not, he IS cheating. He's going to her when he wants/needs to talk; he's telling her he wants out; he's treating her very much like a girlfriend just from the little bit you describe here.
If his idea of right and wrong is different from yours, that's a clear problem. Yes, opposites attract and can make it work, but they're different in terms of music and TV, or politics and religion. They still have the same basic core values and morals, even if they're cloaked in a different political or religious belief. You're looking at money and friends, but when it comes to right and wrong, those differences are fundamental. If he thinks murder is right and you think it's wrong, are you going to stay with him? I'm sure you'd say no. These other things are really no different. You have differences really aren't going to be able to be worked out.
then its time for that talk where you tell him its going to stop. you will only talk to me about us. if you hve a prob., you will tell me, and together we will work on them---together...
he has to be open with you and be willing to accept you for you. you should be able to tell him anything and there will be no judgeing, or makeing fun. he should be able to come to you and say what on his mind, and get the same treatment.
if the two of you are not talking its because something happened years ago, and he is not telling you so the prob., can be worked out, he is choosing to go to someone else. this is not acceptable behavior, and it will cease, pronto.
if he dosent want to talk about it, give him a little time. he is not used to this new way. he might never come around, it does sound like hes looking for a way out. tell him you want to talk about your life, and probs., you love him, and he loves you.
i understand your point of view, but my first post was just one view after reading what you wrote. i know how difficult it can be to feel alone. it can be difficult to think about picking up and walking out the door.
i wasnt trying to be cruel, its just my perspective. .... good luck