I don't think there is any advice I don't already know or have already tried but I just need to vent. I would love to hear support or any similar situations too. Advice is always welcome as well.
I am new here. I am 34, a stay at home mom to an almost 3 yr old little girl. My DH of 1 1/2 years works from home. Problem? Everything. We have personalities that couldn't be more different than night and day.
We constantly misunderstand each other. We communicate so differently. He says one or 2 word replies when I talk. He barely talks or shares his feelings. He speaks in a monotone voice and has a very unusual sense of humor. I don't know when he's joking. He has little energy and doesn't make eye contact hardly.
I am very sarcastic, I have lots of energy and I joke around all the time. I talk alot and enjoy meaningless banter and also deep conversations.
We constantly question each other. "was that sarcasm?" "are you joking or serious?" "I don't know what you mean" "I CAN'T HEAR YOU" "hello... are you listening to me?"
It is so frustrating. Most of our fights are from our different communication styles. We never seem to "get" each other, we most often seem to be on opposite pages.
He is very sensitive too. He takes everything I say so literally. He hates my sarcasm (I use it to be funny and make fun of myself and him and difficult situations). I don't call him names or purposely make him feel bad. I tell him this. But we still misunderstand each other. It is so rediculous when I look back at our arguments and days of not talking, all because of a misunderstanding in someone's tone of voice or lack of enthusiasm.
This is the major issue, there are so many smaller issues that stem from this big issue it's not even funny. We are together mostly because of our 2 year old but we never say that out loud. It's pretty obvious though, how different we are and how easily we give up on each other and our family. Most of our arguments get swept under the rug, a week goes by, and everything is back to "normal".
You are welcome to come here to rant, rave and vent. It’s good for the soul. My initial reaction is just because you have different communications styles doesn’t mean you can’t learn to understand each other. My wife is much better at verbalizing than I and I get my feelings/thoughts out better in writing. If you already understand your differences in communication make that as a starting point. The next time you are in a discussion use the repeat what was said method. “Honey, if I understood you correctly you would like me to…..” It can really help. If you can get him to communicate and fully understand your needs he may be better at changing behavior and not let things slip back to “normal”. Good luck.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Reading this simple page below changed my life. I realised that my wife and I have totally different communication modes. She is Audio-Visual, I am Audio-Tactile.
I will read that article right now, thanks for the replies!
I want to add/ask: is it on purpose sometimes? C'mon, can't someone just be a dink on purpose? This morning, he made coffee and forgot to put it in the carafe. It got cold and I had to make a new pot. I went to his office and said "honey you forgot to put the coffee in the carafe and it got cold so I made a new pot".
He replied "oh. sorry. I won't let it happen again" but in his monotone non expressive voice. He made little eye contact with me and I wasn't sure if he thought I was mad or not. So, in my way, I said to him sarcastically AND WHILE LAUGHING (giggling)
"you better not!" and I smiled at him. Waiting for a smile back, but nothing.
then I said "I'm joking, honey. That's why I laughed" and thus began a huge argument. He didn't think I was joking. Even though I laughed, smiled and totally had a sarcastic tone to my voice. I was basically flirting with him. If he, at that moment, had jumped up from his chair and said "oh yea, well I'll forget to put coffee in the carafe whenever i d*mn well want to" and threw his arms around me and kissed me (or something rediculously silly) I would have melted and been totally turned on!!!!
instead, he thinks I'm seriously mad at him. GOD this makes me furious! I just want to be playful and funny and silly. I want dumb day-to-day things to be blown out of proportion in a fun way and for our lives to be fun. He just brings me down. Now this is a huge stupid "thing" that we need to work on. See my frustration?
I just read the article. Very interesting. I am a visual and auditory person (can I be both?) He is neither, he is strictly a feelings person. Although, he doesn't respond to what I say with "I understand how you feel" he usually responds with "oh" and "uh-huh" and "yup."
samantha-
I loved that last post #4. You are a hair's breadth away from having the perfect relationship. The pair of you just need to get on the same wavelength!
I have to ask, why did you marry a monotone man? Was he always this way?
Wow did I get a great laugh reading this. My wife and I are similar but learned to communicate. I have a dry sense of humor most people don't get. I can be in a crowd say something and all my friends are busting a gut while others have blank looks on there face not understanding that I even made a joke.
Part of the key to my wife and I was learning how to interact which took several appoaches before we figured out the best way.
She to is a talker and has slack stick style humor. I normally am reserved and have a drier humor. But the ying and yang works best for us because she likes to talk a lot and I listen well.
The more ways you learn to communicate and tell him what you ned the better it will get. I never assume that I know how to talk to a person and evolve over time from each approach.
Wow, draconis sounds like my DH. He has a very dry sense of humor. Think of Norm MacDonald. Very corny, very expressionless. I find him funny at times, i do. His family totally gets him, but often they and his friends do ask him "are you serious or kidding?"
But his sensitivity to my humor is what frustrates me. I can ask him if he's joking because he has a monotone manner and it's hard to tell, but when he asks me if I'm joking and I'm still laughing and smiling and rubbing his shoulders... I wonder if he is partially retarded? Ok ok, I shouldn't have said that. That was mean.
Why did I marry this guy? Well, we dated for 5 months, got pregnant. I knew we were not the perfect match but he is kind, sweet, gentle, a good provider, VERY trustworthy (I know he would never cheat on me... physically). He's also gorgeous.
I knew we were wrong and that this would be a challenge. But I would rather fake a terrific marriage and have a family and a daughter who is not from a broken home, than be a single mom or have step children etc. etc. etc.
Besides, I guess I hoped we would grow together, not apart. We both are in our 30's and seemed quite mature and hopeful.
Most of my past relationships (one that was 5 years) have been with quite energetic, spontaneous, talkative, playful, probably immature, fun men. But they usually were not ready to settle down or were too immature or too young.
smantha-
I would be really interested if you could keep us updated on how your communication goes with him now that you have read Dr Tracy. Even though I am 50/50 Audio/Tactile I have no idea how you would communicate with such a man if he is really toatlly tactile. Lots of touch I suppose
Part of the idea is to couch things in feeling terms. So you can still use words, but you must talk of textures and feelings:
How do you feel about so and so?
So and so is a drag...
We need to knock off the rough edges.
It's like pulling teeth.
They gave me a frosty reception.
That was orgasmic!
Having conversation with my H is almost impossible. he picks apart every single word i say and asks me what i meant, or corrects me if i dont use the right word, he'll say, 'oh did you mean...'. i think its because he's an engineer so he has a mind for meticulous detail and adept meaning, but my god man! If i try and recount a simple story of something that happened that day he just gets so confused and keeps asking, 'what, what?' grrrr! Our conversations usually end with me saying, 'nevermind.'
our sense of humor is nothing alike. he says im a totally different person when im around my family. No, im just different around him b/c he doesnt get my humor. and i dont get his. when he makes a joke i usually just stare at him, like, ya, ok, and...
and of course he's very sensitive, and emotional inept, so I have to verbalize what the emotion behind my response and actions to things is. Its like a disclaimer before everything i do and say. Today will be more exhausting because im tired and he'll take my tiredness and unresponsiveness as a rejection and pester me until he finally gets attention.
haha, ljtseng, it sounds like our DH have some things in common.
If mine doesn't understand me, he rarely asks what I meant. He usually just assumes something negative or just says nothing. Sometimes I wonder if he has a limited amount of words he can use each day and he's trying not to waste them.
Sensitive, emotionally inept. Yup, just like mine. Exhausted??? Yup, me too! :-)
My DH rarely feels rejection or such from my communication. I am the one who usually has to guess what he means, or assume, or ask. Then he gets mad. If I tell him I feel like he doesn't care by the way he doesn't talk to me, he turns it around on me and says "me too!" or "you do the same thing". UGH!
smantha-
I would be really interested if you could keep us updated on how your communication goes with him now that you have read Dr Tracy. Even though I am 50/50 Audio/Tactile I have no idea how you would communicate with such a man if he is really toatlly tactile. Lots of touch I suppose
Part of the idea is to couch things in feeling terms. So you can still use words, but you must talk of textures and feelings:
How do you feel about so and so?
So and so is a drag...
We need to knock off the rough edges.
It's like pulling teeth.
They gave me a frosty reception.
That was orgasmic!
I have no idea how I will try to communicate with him using this new knowledge. I can use few words, but that's so hard for me to do. I can try to be more "touchY" but he'll get the wrong idea or I'll feel wierd.
Can I just complain???
