curlysuesandiego

When I met my husband 10 years ago it never occured to me that he was begining a mid life crisis. He was 42 and I was 25. He was and is now very youthful. Last year he turned 50 and it was pretty obvious that he was going through a change. Since he turned 50 last year:

• he bought a sportscar
• he went through a period where he was "partying" i.e. drugs and alcohol
• his good friend divorced his wife and moved to the beach to party
• a close family member his age died of a heart attack
• he had an affair with his secretary (he claims it was not physical only friendship. She was his age)
• He gave up his career
• He moved to an island to start a new business
• He made all new friends (all in their 30's)
• He spends all his time bar hoping or adventure seeking with his new friends

I have tried to talk to him about this. I have asked him to see a therapist - he did briefly. He flat out refuses that he is having a mid life crisis.
I am not living on the island with him. I made alot of excuses why I had to stay behind and man the fort. That only last for so long and now he has demanded that we give up our home and I move there with him or our marriage is over.
I don't feel it is right to feed into this psychosis he is having. I know that he is going to wake up once he has spent his life savings and say what did I do to my life.
Our home is wonderful. We spent 8 years building a fabulous life and he is willing to through it all away.
It seems to be a running theme with him- get rid of anything that requires responsibility. I love this man with all my heart. I cannot imagine life without him. How can I stand by him when he is all over the place. We have a child also who cannot be along for the ride since it would mean a loss of his security. I am really suffering since we are seperated, I feel him slipping away and I dont know what to do to save "US". I started going to therapy myself. Sometimes he snaps out of it briefly and wants to come home and says he cant loose our family.
Anyone have any experience or advice with this - Please help

draconis

I feel sorry that you have to do this. His mid life seems to be turning into a selfish life. Hoping that he will see the light might not happen because as long as he can do what he is doing he will want the fun of island life and not the boring of the mundane.

draconis

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Triton

I believe that I am coming down with it also. I find myself wanting to be young again . Hang with younger folks, etc. . It is so weird. Just the other day the wife comes out looking "All Good " as we were leaving to go out. Sure my hair line isn't in the same place 15 years ago. Gained a few pounds. So to pick up the slack - I thought about doing all the same things your husband is doing. I explained to the wife that I just want sometimes to see if " I still have it !". Could I still turn "Chicks " heads. Maybe it would be the car, etc.- but it is still "Heads Turning ". I am not in denial- It is something I have to work on. It is a phase. Sorry your husband took it to the " Limit ". He should be putting you first.

cheewagacheewaga

I don't completely see what's wrong with a mid-life crisis. The guy is just having fun, and you should too (minus the cheating, drugs, and alcohol)! Besides, he earned it in a way. He's healthy, rich(?), and wants to live life. Join in on the fun or get out of the way

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Honey

The man has to see you leaving him to snap out of it. Not empty threats..like I'm going to leave and you don't. File the papers and serve them to him. If he thinks things will stay the same and you will put up with his mood swings, he will never change. Shock him and you will really see if he loves you and wants to still be with you. Either way, you don't need this kind of marriage, do you? I mean.. him living on an Island somewhere, while you're living where you are. Sorry, but, that's no kind of a marriage. Don't let this man have his cake and eat it too. Most "not all" men like to have their cake and eat it too, if they can get it that way.

827Aug

Please don't be upset at me for asking this question. When you met your husband 10 years ago, was he a married man with a family? I'm sorry I couldn't resist asking because your opening paragraph describes my current situation with my husband perfectly. That man you describe could easily be my husband. Just when I don't think things can get any worse, I see that they can. My husband has demolished enough in two years; I hate to even think about what he can do in 10 years! I wished I had advice for you! I will say that a great counselor helps though. Oh, and my husband says he just relates more to the 20 something year old crowd.I'll be keeping an eye on your thread; perhaps someone knows something we don't. Good luck.

curlysuesandiego

No He wasnt married when I met him. I really don't think he is going to snap out of it. I probably will end up serving him not as a threat but the real deal. He really has not earned anything but a life full of hangovers and users. I feel sorry for him because all the money that he is blowing. It is not so easy to start over in your mid 50's especially when you have ruined yourself financially. I think he will wake up when he has burned through all his money and until then let the good times roll. Poor guy!!

827Aug

Everyone keeps telling me the mid-life crisis won't end until all of the money is gone. It's insane how much money one man having a mid-life crisis can spend! I hope you are able to salvage something from your 10 years of marriage (before he spends all of it).

GAsoccerman

my question, was he always a "partier?" did he always go to the beach and have a good time?

See I've always beena real social person, I love to go out and party, just ahve a fun time....My wife is not that way she likes to stay home play on the computer and read books.

So when I am in a party mode or want to go hang with my male friends, She is quick to say I am in a "mid life crisis, that I am to old (38) "

I told her , Honey I always been this way, since you known me I been going out partying, dancing, hanging out the beach with friends. Just because we are married and have children I am not going to change who I am. I include them, we have a great time.

But when it disagree's with what She wants to do, she calls it a mid-life crisis, and I just view it as a cop-out, So I tell her if you don't want to ahng out with me and the neighbors go home and read a book or something, which she does because that is something she enjoys, I will ahve a cook out with neighbors and while our kids swim and play we will laugh and have a good time.

curlysuesandiego

This is more than a bbq with friends. As I said in my first post the new things are drugs, excessive drinking (everyday till 2-3am), excessive spending of things that are not usual (sports car, paying for random people that he hardly knows bar tab, weekends, bailing his new friends out of jail. I enjoy traveling, I have many friends like I said I am only 33 yo. He is destroying his life and is soon going to be out of money. I have a seperate account thank God.

GAsoccerman

Does he have a new friend? I've noticed sometime a new person in our lives trigger this behavior. I ha a co-worker that asked me to go have a drink, I said sure one day after work. next thing I know this person has 4 beers and 4 shots....I was like WHOA...way to much we need to drive home, that person did not care, that was the last time I hung out witht he person even though they asked numerous times to go out again, I was like nah.

Why? because I saw they were reckless....and sure enough that reckless behavior became a issue with 2 car accidents and an assulat on a Police officer.

I took myself out of potential bad situation. Maybe he has a friend that is steering this issue.

You may have to leave and tell him, that he needs to think real hard about this, what does he really want. Once he see's your serious, he will have his answer, he may need some time to think it through, a week or two, maybe a month.

But you're doing the right thing by having a seperate account, if you can witht hat seperate account, put your mother or sister on it with you, becuase then he definately can't touch it.

Sorry he is so destructive at least he is not abusive, not that it makes it better, but at least you can move on with out fear.

I wish you the best of luck, as the saying goes, "you don't know what you ahve until it's gone" and he may need to see that.

Best of luch dear.

brad

There are some major red flags there. This is way over the top. I wouldnt be suprised if you divorce the guy. He almost sounds manic. There is a lot there to overcome. I could see you waiting out some harmless mid life crises type behavour but I'm not even sure I would attribute this behavour to that. He just sounds so destructive.

Fleur

Is it possible for mine to be having a 'mid-life' crisis at 35? He is exactly the same, and i think for him it's about running away from responsibility.
- he gets too close to me and he then seeks to flirt/fling with other women;
- he feels too settled and he has to go out partying and taking drugs like he's 21 again;
- he finds a gray hair and he has to go and make 20 friends in their 20s.

If someone has ANY advice as to how to handle this without sounding like a nagging old bag then please let me know.

Though the advice i've had and sadly may have to act upon is to teach him a lesson. a proper lesson. And just leave. I think he's thinking that the grass is greener in every aspect, but men have this whole nostalgia thing working against them, and so when they realise what they've lost they may just turn out for the good. If you still want him after all that...

*Aceso*

I don't think that any threats are going to change people like that unless they wanna change themselves.
BUt in you first post you said that someone close to his age died. That can trigger behavier like that. They can either give up on life "because what is the point when we are all going to die..." or they go the oposite way. They refuse to get older and by acting like they are in their 20s they hope to reverse the aging.
The 2nd one was my dad. His best friend died from a heart attack 5 years ago. He was 56 at the time and my dad was 52. Anyway, instead of thinking that he should start taking care of himself better so the same wouldn't happen to him, he started partying like it was 1999. He bought himself a motorbike, started dressing like a surf dude, drank himself stupid most of the days, went out with girls younger then me (my parents divorced when I was 5 and he never married) and he quit his job so that he has more time for his new hobbies. Anyway, he died last year from brain aneurysm.
I still believe that if he dealt properly with the death of his friend and continued to live his life the way he did before he'd still be around now.

Tawny Somers

The way I see it, you married a man who was older. So you should've known, going in, that he's going to be on a different place in his life. Right now he's having trouble dealing with his age.
I don't think this would qualify as a "psychosis." He does sound like he would benefit from some therapy, but that has to be something he wants.
I think you should agree to go to the island on these conditions:
1. That he give up drugs and drinking
2. That he will stay with you and your daughter, and not be running around, going to bars with his friends and staying out to all hours, and so on

If he wants you to come, he needs to realize that you're going to need some stability once you get there.