I think I don't know if I want to be married anymore.
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Old 02-10-2011, 03:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I think I don't know if I want to be married anymore.

Hello,
I am new to this site and I just need to vent and let out all my feelings and emotions to someone.
I am 22 years old, married for 2 years in April, and have an almost 3 year old son and a 7 month old son with my husband. This man has put me through hell. He used to be physically and emotionally abusive. He has cheated, once while I was pregnant with our second child. He has lied to me several times. He was incredibly controlling of me. For example, I wasn't allowed to wear certain things to work because he said so.

I left him last month for a week because all his past was eating me alive. We reconciled after he wrote me poems, sent me flowers everyday, and showed me how sorry he was and that he really wanted to change.

Here is the problem. While he has changed and is everything I have ever wanted him to be, I do not think I love him anymore. When we were seperated, I didn't even miss him. I was relieved more than anything. I don't know if its me just trying to get over the past, or if I truly do not love him anymore. I do not want to hurt him, but I do not want to make a mistake by leaving him either, if I am wrong about my feelings.

Someone, please give me some advice on what to do!
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Old 02-10-2011, 04:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I don't know if I want to be married anymore.

I can say that once you have had enough you tend to put up a wall and fall out of love with someone. I had this same issue with my husband only he was not physically abusive to me and never lied or cheated. Once the feelings were gone and I confronted him he/we went to counseling and things were better but I still did not feel intimate with him. I could be with him but it was more like he was a close friend. After 7 months I'm still struggling with this. What I have noticed is that when he gets frustrated with how things are going his old moods seem to resurface and I get that miserable feeling in my gut again. If he didn't seek professional help then there is always a possibility that he will eventually go back to his old ways. I have seen this all to often in my friends and family's relationships. If you felt relieved when you were away from him and didn't miss him then that should tell you a lot. Maybe a longer trial separation is what you need?
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Old 02-10-2011, 04:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default

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Originally Posted by lost_in_translation View Post
Hello,
I am new to this site and I just need to vent and let out all my feelings and emotions to someone.
I am 22 years old, married for 2 years in April, and have an almost 3 year old son and a 7 month old son with my husband. This man has put me through hell. He used to be physically and emotionally abusive. He has cheated, once while I was pregnant with our second child. He has lied to me several times. He was incredibly controlling of me. For example, I wasn't allowed to wear certain things to work because he said so.

I left him last month for a week because all his past was eating me alive. We reconciled after he wrote me poems, sent me flowers everyday, and showed me how sorry he was and that he really wanted to change.

Here is the problem. While he has changed and is everything I have ever wanted him to be, I do not think I love him anymore. When we were seperated, I didn't even miss him. I was relieved more than anything. I don't know if its me just trying to get over the past, or if I truly do not love him anymore. I do not want to hurt him, but I do not want to make a mistake by leaving him either, if I am wrong about my feelings.

Someone, please give me some advice on what to do!
All abusers are the same in that they become kind after their victims leave. I bet a million that as soon as you return, he will go right back to being abusive.
The fact that you do not love him or miss him, shows that you have moved on emotionally. You're a young woman with your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste any more years with this fool. Stay away from your ex, my dear.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I don't know if I want to be married anymore.

See all the other times I left, he never was sorry or thought he did anything wrong. This time he truly showed remorse.

However, he did say something Tuesday that really scared me. We were arguing and he told me to back the f up before he would punch me in the face. This really scared me. I told him it scared me. He said he was sorry and next time he gets mad he'll just walk away and not say anything.

Do you think I do not love him anymore because I am just mentally drained? I have put so much into the relationship and have been through so much because of him.

I just do not know what to do.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I don't know if I want to be married anymore.

This sounds like something straight out of my life!

This is adivice, and life experience that I am about to give, nobody but you can know if you love or dont love someone.. and that my dear will tell in time.

I have been through the same situation as yourself, in my much younger years. It has been hell, for the children and myself, while my husband seemed to coast it with no problem. It is only now I prepare myself to leave, A, because my children have left home, and B, because I work fulltime and can afford to leave!

Yes, you can become mentally drained, in a unhappy relationship on a daily basis you are fighting a "Fight or flight" feeling which over time will leave emotional scars (mine was 20 years worth)

Its anger, hurt, resentment, and a whole loada other stuff chucked in, it builds up. And yes I have been through the feeling of not loving my husband too, I started to feel that way about 15 years ago, and it still has not left me... Yes I am fond of him, and laugh with him, but he killed a part of me that will never come back. Its all very psychological, I think heaps of couselling could help, but do it now, not after 20 years..

Good luck x
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Old 02-11-2011, 02:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I don't know if I want to be married anymore.

Seriously, you just described what I am feeling to a tee! I wake up next to this man every morning and I feel nothing. Everyday is a should I stay? Should I tell him how I feel and leave? It is killing me. It is eating me alive. I do not want to make that mistake of being unhappy for the rest of my life. His past is just so much to handle, and it hurts even more knowing that he has done so much even after our marriage vows. I am by far not innocent either because I have done some lying before, but gosh, when I got married, all that was over. I committed myself to this man 100%, and meant my vows. It just feels like a slap in the face.
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Old 02-11-2011, 02:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I don't know if I want to be married anymore.

Do not tell him anything while you are still living with him; if he abused you before, he could potentially go ballistic at your news and you don't want that for yourself or your kids. Things are always the worst with an abuser when they see/feel you really mean to leave.

I guess I worry for you--that remaining with him means you remain vulnerable. I'd find it impossible to trust someone who has done such things to me, I think (haven't lived it, so I can be sure). Without trust, love cannot flourish. So you would have to learn to trust him before you could even know if your love could return. Do you think you will ever really trust him again?

Is he getting professional help? If not, insist. His changes are unlikely to be thorough without help. I think it shows some sincere effort on his part to apologize for scaring you (and he did threaten you, so he should apologize for that too, not just the scaring you part). But abusers have poor records at real reform, so make sure he gets help!

God bless.
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Old 02-11-2011, 03:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I don't know if I want to be married anymore.

It sounds like you have partially already made a decision to leave (at least emotionally and in your heart) but it seems that logistically you are confused about how to do that for the long-term and since he has "changed" whether temporarily or permanently remains to be seen, but you seem guilty about the possibilities of leaving now that his behavior is acceptable. So do you want to stay because you love him, or because you feel guilty or pity or another emotion? Do you want to leave because it feels right, the love is gone, or for another reason?
You might try writing down the pros and cons of staying versus leaving and leave the kids out of it. The kids will be fine growing up if you decide to leave and are both responsible parents. If you stay, stay for love, for you and the reasons you want to stay. If you leave, leave for the same reasons - lack of love, for yourself, for your future, etc.
Nobody can make that decision but you. Best of luck to you!
~Kristin
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