have you been married a long time? I'm lost

American Arrogance · 09-05-2008, 01:02 PM

Im wondering how is marriage life after 10 years? I have been married for 8 years and Im already to call it quits however, Im not really ready to take that step. I know its not always greenr on the other side. But Im emotionally drained being in this marriage.

As all marriage go through ups and down, mine have as well. But Im not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. We have talked about it and he knows. Sex with him is real boring. I have always been the sexually adventurous one. For years I have faked orgasms and I no longer do that. I just dont even act anymore. When it comes to being my husband sexually, I'd rather masturbate. There is nothing I gain from him sexually.

He said I put too much pressure on him and therefore he doesnt perform well. But in actually he never was good in bed. I always directed our lovemaking sessions. Now that we have been married for 8 years had 2 children (I have two from a previous relationship), he's just not cutting the bread so the speak.

For years I thought I wasnt attracted to men at all (Im bisexual as well), what I feel when being around a woman makes me lean more to that side of things. But in the last year I have come across two guys who I found very attractive and when I spoke to one and he smiled, I got sexually aroused. I went out with a few girlfriends and I saw another guy and I sparked a conversation with him and gave him my number. I wanted to be him sexually but I didnt pursue it hard enough.

I guess what Im saying is the sexual feelings I get around other people, I dont feel that way around my husband. Granted when we met we both were in shape. Since we have been married, I have had two kids and gained only 30 lbs. I went from 110lbs to a max weight of 135lbs over the course of two pregnancies in a 6 year span. He has gained over 80 lbs total during those pregnancies. He has attempted to hit the gym but he slacked off. When he was going to the gym, he was bulking up and I dont find that attractive at all. I prefer smaller men...more like a wide receiver type rather than a bodybuilder type.

The guys I was sexually attracted too resembled what my husband used to look like when we first met and what he could look like if he exercised properly.

But my issues arent just a physical attraction, we have gon through some things and while I was pregnant with his last child I found out he was attempting to cheat on me. He denied ever stepping out on me. But I knew he was trying to meet people off of craigslist. I installed a program that monitor his computer activity and found out more than that. I was hurt and being pregnant made it 100x harder. He denied every evidence I brought to him for 6 moths straight. He only confessed to everything after I told him I wanted a divorce. Fast forward 17 months latero (which is today), I still feel the urge to divorce him based on the past. He has attempted to change but I think Im the one who doesnt want to change. I'd rather be his friend than his lover.

I didnt post every issue we had had over the course of 8 years, it would be a very long thread. But I plan to seek counseling. But does it get better? Does anyone in a long term relationship just feel they have moved into a platonic relationship?

draconis · 09-05-2008, 01:22 PM

You life can get better but you have to be willing to make the right steps in that direction. Even an emotional affair of being attracted to other men and giving them your number deminishes your feelings with and for your husband.

Matching sexual libidos can be difficult and it is a shame you had to fake anyhing. It doesn't mean that it can't get better.

I think the question to you is if you want to give the marriage another try or if you want to give up?

If you want to call it quits then ask yourself if you walk away from it do you know that you have tried all you can to make it work?

draconis

American Arrogance · 09-05-2008, 03:52 PM

Its funny you say that cuz he says the same thing to me. He is a great father but a horrible husband. I keep telling him that I wish we were closer but he has rejected me so much in the past that I have developed the selfish and vain mentality I have now.

It seemd like Im the agressive one in the relationship and he just too passive for me. I try but when he says or does something that triggers hateful feelings towards him, its very hard to counteract it.

Our oldest is 11 years old and she asked if we were going to seperate. I'd rather at least live in seperate households for a year and then see if we are truly meant to be together....but last weekend when hubby been drinking at a BBQ we held, he confessed to me and his sister in law that if he cant live with me he doesnt want to live at all. I have heard him say that a couple times before in our marriage. I dont know I just dont have any respect for or trust in him anymore.

draconis · 09-05-2008, 11:47 PM

If you want to seperate for a year that is an option but be onest with yourself and him. It seems however you already have your mind made up, and he isn't in it and I doubt he can win it back. You feelings of rejection might be the hold back to sexuality. Woman more than men need a mental stimulization.

draconis