Married and in love with boss...!
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Old 02-23-2011, 12:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Married and in love with boss...!

I got married about 3 years ago. It didn't start well. We argued on our honeymoon, and later argued about finances, our bad habits, and about my husband's girl friends. I was also very unhappy about my job, my family and felt depressed sometimes. I was never really interested in sex.

Time has passed and now things have worked out quite well for us in terms of finances, family, relationship, sex etc. I now got a new job I like, HOWEVER I fell for my boss the first time I met him!

I am not sure what it is exactly, but I am very excited to see him and think of him all the time (and of course fantasize about sex with him). We communicate daily (and he's very funny) but rarely face to face as he is always on business trips. (we meet once every 2-3 weeks or so)

I don't think he has any feelings towards me, but I caught him checking me out sometimes. When we work together, sometimes we got very close to each other to read things from 1 computer screen. But at the end of the day, he may be innocent and didn't do any of that on purpose. He is married for 30 years and has 2 kids. (that means we are 25 years difference in age).

Since taking this job I am a MUCH happier person. I am always smiling, energetic, workaholic, dressed up and more passionate in bed which surprised my husband. I explained to him that because I feel very light and happy, but in fact it is because I got turned on by thinking about sex with my boss.

But now I am getting frustrated as I am not going anywhere with my 'imaginary affair' or dare to go anywhere. I made some mistakes trying to flirt with him (although very subtly) so I now fear that he tries to keep a distance from me! I don't see him very often and I really miss him.

At the same time, my husband continues to keep in touch with his girl friends (which we argued about) and watching porn. He said he watches porn to 'do it himself' when I am tired. My husband is a lovely person and loves me very much. I want to ignore things about his girl friends and porns but then I discover that he has a really violent porn taste which grossed me out! Now it seems difficult to ignore that.

He has also always been pushy with sex, which pushes me away emotionally and I don't think there's ever any chemistry in me towards him. We have been having sex problem since we started dating but we think we love each other and got married.

I don't know what to do now. My crush on my boss actually helps our marriage, but if I get closer to my boss I think it may happen as my boss is very friendly with me. I cant move job yet but if I move, I may not like my new job or new boss. My boss is actually a very good boss who likes to share a lot of opinions and advice with me, so I can learn and develop.

At the end, it's the choice between money, marriage and sex. I want to have a better paid job, want to have a good marriage, and have sex with boss. And I cant seem to have them all!
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Old 02-23-2011, 01:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

Wow... a lady with it all going on..

It's pointless trying to bury any kind of problem in a relationship, and you have buried problems, or issues which NEED to be faced. In your post, its almost like you're trying to make your husband look like the baddy, which is quite common when caught in a Emotional affair, and trying to justify to yourself why you are paying your boss this kind of attention... Think about it, you say you argued about your husband about him still keeping in touch with his past girlfriends, but yet you are willing to go one further and have a affair with a married man?

Okay, you are getting carried away with excitment, nothing more, its a BIG bubble... and it will burst.. yes okay, sexual attraction happens, but you have blown all this up in your head, this is NOT real, and you can break this cycle easily, and your boss will become nothing more than your boss..

Be sensible! This is not the way forward, I hope your boss never takes you up on this offer, and it's very likely that he wont!

Take your marriage in hand, if things are not good, try to mend them, if you cant mend them, dont have a affair, leave him!
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

So you are kosher with completely wrecking his life, his wife's life and their two kids life all so you can sleep with him? Really?
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Old 02-23-2011, 07:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

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Originally Posted by s.t. View Post
At the same time, my husband continues to keep in touch with his girl friends (which we argued about) and watching porn. He said he watches porn to 'do it himself' when I am tired. My husband is a lovely person and loves me very much. I want to ignore things about his girl friends and porns but then I discover that he has a really violent porn taste which grossed me out! Now it seems difficult to ignore that.
I have a different perspective on this. I don't care if people think I'm a prude or Victorian, or whatever. Other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

Your husband keeps in touch with his GIRL FRIENDS? WHY??? He's not only looking at porn, but you term it "violent." Not sure what that means, and you don't need to elaborate, but it sounds like you have retreated into a fantasy world because some of the realities of your marriage aren't particularly savory.

I'm sick and tired of hearing the same blah, blah, blah that all men look at porn, all men enjoy watching porn, etc. I personally know of men who DO NOT look at porn. "Well, all the other guys do it, so it's okay for me to do it too. After all, we ARE guys." Baloney!

I remember a friend of mine trying to justify Bill Clinton's so-called "affair" with Monica Lewinsky by saying, "All guys do it." Oh, really? My dad didn't mess around on my mom. My FIL didn't mess around on my MIL for the 51 years they were married.

I'm not condoning what you are doing. DO NOT flirt with your boss. You've already gotten the vibe that he does not like it. It sounds like you have a high-school crush on your boss.

You are married, and what you got is what you got. You and your husband need to work this out. Living in a fantasy world - whether it's porn, contacting ex-girlfriends (ugh!), or having a crush on a boss, makes me think there is some deep-seated dissatisfaction going on between both partners. Time to leave dreamland behind and get down to the reality of marriage. Not romantic, not pretty, and not always nice. Hard work. Give it a try.
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Old 02-23-2011, 08:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

You need to leave your husband and find a new job. Period.
Literally NOTHING good will come of any of this. Your husband sounds like a future abuser and your crush on your boss will end with you in a puddle of tears and potentially his wrecked marriage and two kids in a broken home.
Run, my dear, RUN!!!!
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Old 02-23-2011, 08:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

You are both doing the wrong thing. If you really love your husband, you need to have a serious talk to him. You need to find a new job and stop entertaining thoughts of your boss, who is also married.

your husband should also be respecting you, giving up the porn and not talking to ex girl friends and just be focusing on you. Imagine if you both put the effort into your own marriage that you both seem to be giving to other sources (porn, bosses, ex GF's). you could probably have a an awesome close loving relationship.

Tell him you want that if that's what you desire and what you think will make it work.
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Old 02-23-2011, 08:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

If you don't mind, I'd like to pipe in for the bosses. Your feelings for him can't really go anywhere without it potentially destroying his career, unless you work in a mom and pop place with no regard for the laws. You make a pass, and someone oversees it, and even if he declines, most labor reps will take the side of guilty until proven innocent. Then, you'll have to decide if you want to be honest and have your husband find out, or take the easy road and say it was an unwelcome pass. Point is, once the rumors start, the HR gods decend, and it gets ugly.

In my company, there is typically only one way people have lost their jobs. In every case, it was a situation like yours. Unless he's stupid, he knows what's going on. I would personally take the pension buyout and termination over standing before the labor board and explain what happened.

If you really like the guy, hold the feelings in check until you can move on from that position, or just turn it into a harmless fantasy.
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Old 02-23-2011, 08:30 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

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Originally Posted by s.t. View Post
I don't know what to do now. My crush on my boss actually helps our marriage, but if I get closer to my boss I think it may happen as my boss is very friendly with me. I cant move job yet but if I move, I may not like my new job or new boss. My boss is actually a very good boss who likes to share a lot of opinions and advice with me, so I can learn and develop.
Your crush is NOT in any way helping your marriage. It is a total fantasy and an escape, avoidant behavior.

Do not cheat, do not approach him for an affair.

This is a huge bomb waiting to go off!

You will wreck your life, your husband's , your boss's live too.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then fix it! Or get out of it.

Then be free to pursue romance with an AVAILABLE man.
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Old 02-23-2011, 08:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

This is a recipe for disaster. Nothing good will come of it. If you have grand delusions that he's going to leave your wife for you (if you sleep with him, and start a r-ship) I can promise you, he won't. The man has been married forever. He's going to stay married.

There is help out there for people with marriage problems. Seek marriage counseling. Seek individual counseling, if your husband won't go. But what you're doing right now is only going to bring more misery into your already (apparently) miserable life.

Attempt to fix it, or go. There are no other options that are good ones.
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Old 02-23-2011, 09:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

You contradicted yourself a couple of times--about the quality of your sex life and about your relationship with your boss. Look back over what you wrote and you'll see what I mean. I suspect you are seeing things "as they are" in some sentences, and "as you want them to be" in others. So you are totally confused b/c there is a world of difference.

Bottom line, though, is that you are unhappily married. Deal with that. Get a new job first, b/c the current situation is both unhealthy and could be very problemmatic. Then marriage counseling (no point starting mc if you are going to stay in the same job and expect h to compete with this imaginary lover). Confront the issues that trouble you and see where it goes. If, in several months, you cannot see steady progress in the marriage (2 steps forward, 1 step back is progress, albeit slow, but that's ok), you may feel it is time to move on from the marriage. But at least give it a shot. The fantasy you've constructed is going to be hard to let go of, but for your own health and happiness, you must.

FYI, you are not in love with your boss. You are in love with what you IMAGINE him to be like. Reality would be so different. Does your fantasy include wrinkles and sagging on his body in places you are too young to even realize? Does your fantasy include him checking out other women (as he checks out you even though he is married)? Does it include impotence or infrequent performance just when you are hitting your sexual peak? Does it include being a nurse to a man old enough to be your father when you are still rarin' to go places and do things? Start looking at the reality of the situation and maybe you will realize that the man to whom you are married is worth some effort. At the very least, then you can walk away and know you gave it your best shot.
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Old 02-25-2011, 04:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and in love with boss...!

Thanks everyone for your very good advice. I think I need help and I am getting help from you so I really appreciate it. I really want someone to talk to because obviously I cant talk about my problems with anyone! I don't want to have counselling as I don't believe in opinions from one person, and I wouldn't want to alarm my family or people at work that I have some sort of mental problems.

I know I have a lot to lose and so does my boss. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he won't go for me anyway because he loves his wife & kids and i am not that gorgeous so not totally worth it. But some other time I think of a man who must be bored with his long term marriage and must need some sexual satisfaction. In my imaginary world it's just the 2 of us but of course reality is different.

I know he's not totally interested in me, but he is giving me a lot of false signals (sharing personal stories, getting very close to me). We usually sit very close (our chairs touch) and our faces are only a few cm apart. But you're right, maybe I am imagining the 'signals' or I myself try to be close to him. He's a joker/lady person and he entertains other ladies in the office too. I am not completely crazy or insensible. I am just frustrated that he's who I am living for, knowing that one day I will be deeply hurt or disappointed when my feelings for him grow too big.

At the moment I cant leave my job because I only started and besides my boss, I like the job itself very much!

On marriage, we're in general a happy couple. We get on along well. We hang out like friends. I know he watches porn but have chosen to ignore it. But only recently that I saw the kind of porn he watches, and the kind of violence I am talking about is, for example, something like animation of giant aliens & ogre screwing some tiny girl, which is disturbing ! I am just very disappointed that my husband is not as nice as he seems to be.

I am not a goddess myself. I've done a lot of things I am ashamed of. And I am 'cheating' on him by thoughts too. But more and more I am forgiving my husband for a lot of things because I am feeling guilty myself. But more and more I am afraid I'm becoming disconnected from reality and only want to live in my own fantasy world.

At the end of the day, my problem is that I know that I am doing the wrong thing, I know what I should do or shouldn't do, but I don't want to do the right thing. I know he's old with a belly but he's always funny, smart and still quite hot. I am not after his money, or his status or trying move fast in my career. He teases me a lot and makes me laugh all the time, simple like that. Have you ever thought that it's nice to be able to feel happy all the time? That it's nice to want to go to work on Monday and couldn't stop smiling on the tube? And would it be nice to feel your heart aching like a school girl having a crush on a boy? It's not just a moment passing by. I'm a now different person, a consistently happy person because of that man. You'll understand why it's so hard for me to let go...

Last edited by s.t.; 02-25-2011 at 05:38 PM.
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Old 02-27-2011, 03:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
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You know. . .I think a small crush on someone else in a marriage is not a bad thing. My ex-wife had a crush on Clay Aiken (she was devastated to find out he was gay - I was like, "Um. Duh?").

I think she had a small crush on someone at work once and kinda shared it with me.

The problem is he is being so emotionally unfulfilling of you is that you are using the crush to supplement and supplant (I think that's the word I am looking for) EVERYTHING in your marriage, just the way he is using porn.

You two need to reconnected or maybe connected for the very first time in your life. It could be exciting.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone for your very good advice. I think I need help and I am getting help from you so I really appreciate it. I really want someone to talk to because obviously I cant talk about my problems with anyone! I don't want to have counselling as I don't believe in opinions from one person, and I wouldn't want to alarm my family or people at work that I have some sort of mental problems. I know I have a lot to lose and so does my boss. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he won't go for me anyway because he loves his wife & kids and i am not that gorgeous so not totally worth it. But some other time I think of a man who must be bored with his long term marriage and must need some sexual satisfaction. In my imaginary world it's just the 2 of us but of course reality is different.

I know he's not totally interested in me, but he is giving me a lot of false signals (sharing personal stories, getting very close to me). We usually sit very close (our chairs touch) and our faces are only a few cm apart. But you're right, maybe I am imagining the 'signals' or I myself try to be close to him. He's a joker/lady person and he entertains other ladies in the office too. I am not completely crazy or insensible. I am just frustrated that he's who I am living for, knowing that one day I will be deeply hurt or disappointed when my feelings for him grow too big.

At the moment I cant leave my job because I only started and besides my boss, I like the job itself very much!

On marriage, we're in general a happy couple. We get on along well. We hang out like friends. I know he watches porn but have chosen to ignore it. But only recently that I saw the kind of porn he watches, and the kind of violence I am talking about is, for example, something like animation of giant aliens & ogre screwing some tiny girl, which is disturbing ! I am just very disappointed that my husband is not as nice as he seems to be.

I am not a goddess myself. I've done a lot of things I am ashamed of. And I am 'cheating' on him by thoughts too. But more and more I am forgiving my husband for a lot of things because I am feeling guilty myself. But more and more I am afraid I'm becoming disconnected from reality and only want to live in my own fantasy world.

At the end of the day, my problem is that I know that I am doing the wrong thing, I know what I should do or shouldn't do, but I don't want to do the right thing. I know he's old with a belly but he's always funny, smart and still quite hot. I am not after his money, or his status or trying move fast in my career. He teases me a lot and makes me laugh all the time, simple like that. Have you ever thought that it's nice to be able to feel happy all the time? That it's nice to want to go to work on Monday and couldn't stop smiling on the tube? And would it be nice to feel your heart aching like a school girl having a crush on a boy? It's not just a moment passing by. I'm a now different person, a consistently happy person because of that man. You'll understand why it's so hard for me to let go...
When you talk about a schoolgirl crush, you sound very immature. You are no longer a schoolgirl. Time to behave like a mature married woman.

You are romanticising this nonsense. Happiness has to come from within.

Seeking counseling is not a sign of mental illness. It shows that you are owning up to your problems, instead of justifying all of your foolish behavior. The truth is, you could leave your job if you want to. You are just making excuses to continue what you are doing.

If you are not interested in sex, you cannot expect your husband not to find some sort of outlet. Why do women marry if they don't want to have sex? It's ridiculous!
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Old 03-21-2011, 06:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You sound like my husband's secretary. She had a lousy marriage. Her boss (my husband) treated her with respect. She obviously knew he was married. She flirted. He was flattered. They had an emotional affair that turned physical after I was hospitalized for three weeks. Leave him alone. He is married. You are married.
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Old 03-23-2011, 10:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Can I just say this...?
The porn he watches seems to look a little violent. Has he been violent? Has he dressed up as Shrek and tried baning your brains out? It sounds silly. If that is where his aggression comes out, then let it be. Would you rather it surface another time?
As far as contacting his past gf's. You guys need to work that out. It sounds like you try to use that to help condone your continual fantasizing about your boss.
Do yourself a favor please...
GROW UP. If yo ucan't face a temptation and push it away, then you're too weak to be in the relationship you're in. Why even try to justify your infatuation with your elderly boss? This just goes to show that women too, can be pigs and fantasize about co-workers, though the stigm is lways put on men.
I'm seriously disgusted reading this. Sorry hun, but you are all over the place.
Imagine how great your husband is feeling bout things right now. How do you think he'd feel if he found out that he has no influence on this current state in your relationship.
Imagine he had turned the tables on you and all of sudden he was charged for you. BUT only because there was a (no disrespect ladies) hot piece of ass at work?

WOW!!!
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