I just have to wonder about the context of how this not so ex husband gets to find out his not so ex wife is out having sex with someone else while he's home watching the kids.
I know, runon sentence.
Was it "It's none of your frakkin business but I went to places you could never take me you xxxxx XXXX !"
And said upon he realizing that the "separation" was not what he thought it was.
Or were they clearly and trully separated and he is not accepting of the end of their marriage?
In either case, if it were me? I would not be involved with a woman who is deceptive about her infidelity. Reminds me too much of my own situation.
When I am free of her, it's strictly available women.
She told me that her stb-x knows about me per se, and she told everyone we backed off, but he didn't know we were intimate and he doesn't have to know as they are divorcing. She said she didn't tell him that and he doesn't have to know (which I actually agree - he's a mess now to begin with from what I hear).
So, we are just knocking aroudn the idea of just fooling around in secret.
What is it with you Drama Chicks? She is very dorked up on hormones right now. . .I can practically smell the pheromones coming through the sexting cellphone messages.
Why don't you non-drama chicks ever get a libido like this? She, like SA notes, is saying she went sexless so long that all she is thinking about is sex with me. (and I ain't all that great, lol)
As far as being morally contradictory, I don't think I ever (either literally or between the lines) passed off the idea I am Holier Than Thou with morality. This isn't about judgment. . .it's about trying to understand.
If you were to ask me plain out if I think sleeping with a married woman is moral, I'd say no. But I wouldn't say "Well, it's none of your spouse's business either." I may give a "moral pass" to someone if there is full disclosure and you are just waiting on the paperwork of divorce (which I kind of thought this was).
You will actually find me quite consistent.
I just need to be disclosed the situation before going in. If she wanted to keep this discreet, she should have said something. I was taking her out, taking her and her kids out with my kids. . .now, it's like. . .ohhhhhhhh. . .this needs to be an affair-like situation.
I am just trying to decide if this is what I want. In some ways, it may be perfect. . .she says she just wants sex. I am really, really busy with a new house, adjusting to part time single dadding, and everything.
I was even thinking of calling into Suze Orman's Show and asking during her "Can I Afford It?" portion and ask her if I can afford a girlfriend.
But I would like a healthy relationship somewhere along the way. . .not sure if I should just hang in the game until this runs it's eventual course and she gets tired of me.
__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
Good for you Scanner! It did sound like you were passing judgment on her for doing exactly what you did to your ex though. I personally don't approve of dating or having sex with an outsider until the ink is dry but that is my personal belief.
I still stand by that until said ink is dry, it is her husband's business and saying it isn't sounds pretty selfish to me.
As for affording a girlfriend, huh? Why is the onus on you to provide financially for her? Or where you jokingly implying can you afford her in a sense of emotionally with all that is going on in your life?
BTW, what happened to the other lady? The cute one with the nose ring?
Why do the replies not surprise me? It seems that most of the women here support this woman's right to do whatever she wants and agrees that is none of her husband's business what she does. I have observed this in real life too, over and over. I have know several women who have strayed from their husbands or done something they shouldn't do and their female friends friends support whole heartedly and even go so far as to bash the husband, who is the victim. In cases where a man has done something wrong and, well, he is a pig.
I have also been close to instance where a man has done something he shouldn't have done or is thinking about accepting the advance of another woman. Nearly always all the male friends in his life will tell him to pull his head out of his ass and not to do it. Big difference between how men give advice to other men and how women give support to other women. And very predictable I'm sorry to say.
Why do the replies not surprise me? It seems that most of the women here support this woman's right to do whatever she wants and agrees that is none of her husband's business what she does. I have observed this in real life too, over and over. I have know several women who have strayed from their husbands or done something they shouldn't do and their female friends friends support whole heartedly and even go so far as to bash the husband, who is the victim. In cases where a man has done something wrong and, well, he is a pig.
I have also been close to instance where a man has done something he shouldn't have done or is thinking about accepting the advance of another woman. Nearly always all the male friends in his life will tell him to pull his head out of his ass and not to do it. Big difference between how men give advice to other men and how women give support to other women. And very predictable I'm sorry to say.
Good thing you aren't talking to me. I stated flat out that until the ink is dry what she does is her husband's business and vice versa. I also stated that dating while still married in a no no for me.
But yeah, I hear you Mike. The responses surprised me too. If I had to hazard a guess and the shoe was on the other foot, if her husband was out having sex with another woman many here would be hollering that it is her business to know what is going on, that it's cheating, etc. etc.
I'm a big proponent of equality. She does not get a pass on this in way.
Okay, I don't mind this topic weaving here and there. . .so for the forum's edification. . .this was the history with my ex-wife.
We separate. I ask her about dating other people. I would have preferred like you said - until the ink dries out of respect for each other and the marriage. She waives me off rebelliouslessly (is this a word? see the theme here). . .like because we separated, I don't even have the right to have a conversation on this. Refuses to communicate (and her job title is head of internal communications at a hospital - it's her living)
So I write her a letter as a compromise - how about until Labor Day? (it was May 2009). No reply.
Long story short. . .I find out she was "dating" somone in and around July and had probably become intimate with him after Labor Day.
I held to my word and started dating October.
But. . .but. . .I kept it discreet. Never told the kids. Just people in my community knew but I guess she never found out.
I made it hard for her to see this guy and didn't take the kids often, both out of spite, but also out of necessity as I was paying $1725/month and having to work 2-3 jobs to make that payment.
Months later after the divorce, as Mike188 notes, she still confronts me on my actions during the divorce. . .like many of the women here, she still maintains:
"It was none of your business what I was doing during the divorce. You didn't have to make things difficult on me."
The funny thing now is, I don't really care.
I also found it and still find it quite amusing
A. The entitleistic mindset that permeates her (and other women's as Mike 188 notes) philosophy on this. But then again, more women are Democratic by nature and I think the entitleistic philosophy permeates their psyche more.
B. That she thought divorce was going to be a walk in the park, that she glamorized it.
Now I am with a woman with the same mindset a bit. . .just exploring it more, what goes on inside your heads.
Like I said, my office manager piped up the same exact thing when I told her:
"It's none of his business what she is doing!!! Go have fun!!!"
Okay, I hope that clarifies my imperfections and drama to the forum and allows the topic to drift and weave.
__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
Last edited by Scannerguard; 02-27-2011 at 02:04 PM.
Scanner,
Your ex was wrong make no mistake about that. She also chose to flaunt her actions. You were wrong too but you chose to keep it discrete. You too both did the same thing but went about it differently.
I am by no means trying to bash you just explaining my mindset. The "it's none of your business" is a convenient way to not have to be accountable for their actions as it most certainly IS their business until the divorce is final.
I will admit, the responses surprised me. If it was their husband who was out fooling around with other women while still being legally married, I think the responses would have been vastly different.
No problem. . .I wasn't getting the feeling you were judging me (well, maybe you were. . .but you werent judging me, maybe judging the action to take it less personally).
And the responses shouldn't surprise you, as I am the Master of Controversial Gender-Biased Topics here. . .the King and Emperor of that
Honestly, I am not judging women per se on this either. . .just a curious difference I am exploring. . .like one poster noted, I think women perhaps think (and there would be some validity on this), that they are prize to be earned and to the victor goes the p**sy.
Like you note, I went about it differently. . .it's food to chew on, it's a topic for women to stew on - why men lie.
Most women think men lie or deceive out of disrespect for their spouse (they take it that way - lying is an insult to their intelligence) when in reality, it's just the opposite - it's a form of respect by not flaunting something against the marriage. I want her to keep this discreet out of respect for her ex-husband (among the safety of my own head too, lol).
__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
No problem. . .I wasn't getting the feeling you were judging me (well, maybe you were. . .but you werent judging me, maybe judging the action to take it less personally).
And the responses shouldn't surprise you, as I am the Master of Controversial Gender-Biased Topics here. . .the King and Emperor of that
Honestly, I am not judging women per se on this either. . .just a curious difference I am exploring. . .like one poster noted, I think women perhaps think (and there would be some validity on this), that they are prize to be earned and to the victor goes the p**sy.
Like you note, I went about it differently. . .it's food to chew on, it's a topic for women to stew on - why men lie.
Most women think men lie or deceive out of disrespect for their spouse (they take it that way - lying is an insult to their intelligence) when in reality, it's just the opposite - it's a form of respect by not flaunting something against the marriage. I want her to keep this discreet out of respect for her ex-husband (among the safety of my own head too, lol).
You are the Master, that's for sure.
I disagree with you about it being a form of respect. Respect to me would openness and honesty. If my husband and I were separated and he was out having sex with other women but kept it under the radar, to me it wouldn't be about respect toward his wife but rather protecting his own a$$ from further fallout. Nothing respectful about that.
Well, that's what I meant about not wanting mother to find out
Even my sons now say, "Maybe it's best that mom not know about this." when they've done something bad or something bad happened that she said would happen (like falling off a trampoline or something). I feel as long as I have been notified, it's okay.
Don't you women appreciate that kind of deceit, when it's for your own good?
My deep understanding of the female psyche is what has made me such a kick-butt lover, no? Effective management of hysteria is something my sons must learn to grasp as they make their way through life.
__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
Well, that's what I meant about not wanting mother to find out
Even my sons now say, "Maybe it's best that mom not know about this." when they've done something bad or something bad happened that she said would happen (like falling off a trampoline or something). I feel as long as I have been notified, it's okay.
Don't you women appreciate that kind of deceit, when it's for your own good?
My deep understanding of the female psyche is what has made me such a kick-butt lover, no? Effective management of hysteria is something my sons must learn to grasp as they make their way through life.
Never tried you out so I wouldn't know.
No, women don't appreciate deceit in any form. That is disrespect in the boldest fashion.
SG, I never said anywhere that her body was a prize to be won by anyone--you said that. My whole point is that her body is hers to do with as she pleases--and the "dog and bone" attitude you and her ex display is evidence of the problem some men have understanding that.
Yep, I had NO problem with my ex moving on as soon as we had a legal separation. I was very supportive since he needed someone a lot more than I did!
I'd have a different answer if there wasn't a legal separation--because then, the whole separation can be just in someone's mind (and their partner might not even know it).
I think getting in the middle of a train wreck is a mistake. Why don't people in the middle of said train wreck just commit to not date for a given number of months? And anyway, who wants to be that FIRST person after divorce?
And anyway, who wants to be that FIRST person after divorce?
Welllllllllllllllllllllllll, funny you should ask. . .I suppose a therapist would be interested in this - you aren't going to maybe like this answer. . .but the forum knows me as an open book.
So here goes. . .
I must admit, it was kind of hot for me to give her her first functional sexual experience where it's been lacking for so many years.
I mean, in a screwball way, I am thinking like I am paying it forward like the woman I was with before me gave me my first good sexual experience in a long time.
The problem is I think I unleashed the Female Monster in her and now she's like a rabid banshee after me.
I'm okay with being the Transition Guy, emotionally and physically.
__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
Re: "It's none of your business!" 
Effective management of hysteria is something my sons must learn to grasp as they make their way through life.
