Be honest - should I let it go?

newlywed2008 · 09-09-2008, 02:13 PM

I've only been married a year and my husband does not seem as interested in sex as I am (at least not with me). I have never had this issue before. I am in good shape and attractive (I think :-) but he says it is stress, etc. etc. We are very close - pretty much best friends and I trust him with everything.

A few weeks ago I was on his comp. and looked at his history b/c I couldn't find a site I had previously been on and...there are many! porn sites there from every single day M-F that he works from home. I don't think he does it all day but I'd say an hour a day anyway.

I have cried to him about feeling like he doesn't want me and even asked if he thought the porn was an issue but he gets angry and denies it. I asked him again last night and he was furious that I 'accused' him of watching it all day. How can a person be so angry at being 'accused' of something they are actually doing?

Anyway - he said he HAD changed since our last conversation and was not watching it every day. I was oging to tell him I knew but...he got so angry and lied right off the bat. I just didn't.

I have never had low self esteem befor ebut it sure seems like he prefers thes other women over me. It hurts. Especially since we are basically newlyweds. I am adventurous in the bedroom and have never turned him down so?? I've only been married a year and my husband does not seem as interested in sex as I am (at least not with me). I have never had this issue before. I am in good shape and attractive (I think :-) but he says it is stress, etc. etc. We are very close - pretty much best friends and I trust him with everything.

A few weeks ago I was on his comp. and looked at his history b/c I couldn't find a site I had previously been on and...there are many! porn sites there from every single day M-F that he works from home. I don't think he does it all day but I'd say an hour a day anyway.

I have cried to him about feeling like he doesn't want me and even asked if he thought the porn was an issue but he gets angry and denies it. I asked him again last night and he was furious that I 'accused' him of watching it all day. How can a person be so angry at being 'accused' of something they are actually doing?

Anyway - he said he HAD changed since our last conversation and was not watching it every day. I was oging to tell him I knew but...he got so angry and lied right off the bat. I just didn't.

I have never had low self esteem befor ebut it sure seems like he prefers thes other women over me. It hurts. Especially since we are basically newlyweds. I am adventurous in the bedroom and have never turned him down so??

swedish · 09-09-2008, 04:26 PM

I have had this issue as well. At first, I did feel as you do. I was hurt and took it personal. When I asked him, he also said it had nothing to do with me, most guys do it, etc. I was very naive on the subject so I read what I could and found that it is pretty common.

Without putting him on the defensive, I just told him how it made me feel. After a week or so and reading up on what I could, I put it into a different perspective...if he is a visual person with sexual urges throughout the day, I would rather have him deal with it looking at a screen vs. anything in the real world. I talked to him about that and basically said I'm ok with it as long as it's you just looking (no chatting with other women, etc.) and as long as it doesn't interfere with us (our time together our sex life, etc.) but if you find yourself getting out of control with it where you need it more often or more explicit that you deal with it...He said, too late I deleted it all and don't plan to look at it...this was a year ago and if he does it at all it is minimal.

To answer your question, I don't think you should just let it go. If your feelings are not being validated it may cause you to build resentment towards him. Letting him know in a way that doesn't make him defensive...meaning just talking about your feelings might be the best approach vs. making demands, etc.

It helped me to validate what he said followed by how I was feeling "you know, I checked around and did find that most guys do look at porn which made me feel a little better. What really hurts me about it is that it makes me feel like you are looking for something better or that I'm not enough. The other thing I read was that it's easy to get bored with it and over time it can get more explicit or become an addiction and I'm worried about that too...I guess I just want you all to myself

" will probably work better than "If you love me you will stop for me" or "how can you put looking at naked women above my feelings" because he is not on the same page and doesn't see a problem with what he's doing and thinks you are overreacting (I don't think you are by the way)

MarkTwain · 09-09-2008, 05:12 PM

swedish-
As I said on her other thread, the man should not make himself ejaculate when watching porn, he should save that for his wife. Otherwise it lets out his "steam", and there will be no real HUNGER.

daycaremom · 09-09-2008, 06:45 PM

Do you think he is having fantasies that he is uncomfortable telling you about? If he is a visual person and wants/needs to see certain things to get interested then maybe you could open that door.

Make a game out of it... Ask him to tell you a fantasy of his and you will tell him one of yours. Play it out and see if it brings him back for more. He may just need some reassurance from you that its ok for him to be kinky if he wants to be. That is if it's ok.

Good Luck

draconis · 09-09-2008, 10:21 PM

I agree with so many above, in the end you have to decide what you want to accept on the way of his behavior. I think good communication skills are a must here and a frank discussion on how it made you will and what you are okay with. Setting boundries is also important.

draconis