They told me that the only way for me to move forward
was to get rid of all the negative things in my life.
But you are my life.
Also you are the negative thing.
I am in a tangent around you.
My life is a tangent.
High,then low,then up again.
You hate me,you make love to me.
You tell me I annoy you
You can't stand my voice.
I am a c*nt,you tell me.
C u next time,I want to say.
C u next lifetime.
Evil ***** is another one.
How could I be so bad.
Not just a *****,but an evil one.
All I wanted was a happy home.
A cozy haven.
Laughter,love and caress.
Someone to dream with.
I found it in you.
But you push me away.
I have no respect for myself now.
No wonder you hate me.
It is a vicious circle.
You are an adrenaline junkie.
You love a fight.
It makes you feel good.
For me it is memories,
Of dark places when I was young.
I don't want that for my kids.
I could live the dream with you forever.
Side by side.
Arm in arm.
Gazing at the horizon.
Some days I am so happy.
Little things give me great pleasure.
Like the sun on my face.
Or the sight of the daffodils,
As they peep through the earth.
I am happy inside with outside.
But you can come
And cut me like a knife.
'Shut the f*ck up' you say.
'I can't stand you'
'I never miss you'
'It is bliss without you'
'You are so stupid'
They are all blows to me.
Blows that I foolishly take
Hoping that you will change.
Believing it is my fault.
I feel a fool.
A fool for love.
A fool for hanging on.
I read that the greatest loss we grieve is the loss of our dreams. We can be married to an abuser, but we grieve the what-might-have-been, or the good times that deteriorate into bad times.
I detest it when men call women the C-word. Filthy. Disrespectful. Not to mention demeaning beyond belief.
You love the what-could-have-been and (perhaps) the potential or idealization of what he might have been.
A crude word it is!! He's very liberal in using the word but funny, when it comes to the bedroom it's the last thing on his mind!!
You are right about me loving the idealisation.
I came from a broken home .my mum had an affair that devastated the family.
Number one for me is family and I have created over the last 10 years the most beautiful and comfy home in the country.
I always said,that I would marry for life.I am at my happiest when we are all getting along in our family unit.
I would hate to be responsible for breaking up our home if I am to leave my gorgeous beau,turned bully.
I am a tough cookie and don,t take any bull in every day life,I don,t know how I got here!!
It makes me feel like a right fool.
Yesterday it was my sons birthday.I was up all morning making buns and cake.My food blender busted from the mad flurry of baking.
I went to the shops to get some extra treats and when I returned my husband gave me serious abuse about being a bad mother and not Making enough homemade buns.
When I tried to explain myself he told me to shut up and that the sight of my face made him feel physically sick!!
I can almost laugh now and see the humour in this insane outburst.I can always leave but he will always be angry!
At this point, grieve your loss, put it in the proper perspective, and move on with your life.
A life that can include a man who shows you respect.
Perhaps you mourn what-might-have-been. It makes sense to some degree, but seems more to me that you grieve what you hoped for because what-might-have-been was never possible. It isn't possible for him to be someone he is not capable of being. Therefore, you only hoped he was the man of your dreams. It's a sad a familiar story among abused women. It makes no sense to hope he will change. It makes no sense hoping for anything that involves him except to hope you are out and away from him very soon. If you do not make that happen, you will continue to "foolishly" take his blows and cannot hope to ever be happy.
Domestic abuse shelters are everywhere. You may not be aware of one located near you because they don't advertise or post signs in the lawn. But they are easy to find if you google or if you call United Way (211). A shelter will help you and your children get on your feet. They will help you find permanent housing and housing assistance programs, as well as money sources.
I also want so badly to have my family whole. So badly.
we cannot be though because the good days never last. They are so good... making it take so many years for me to know why I hurt. So many years trying to figure out why he would get so mad at me. Then after "dealing with his anger" he simply employed more covert tactics. It hurt worse because he was CERTAIN he didn't do anything wrong. There are those that claim that if they have real love for us, not just overwhelming emotion that they think is love, they can work hard over much time and change. I would love to believe this, but I am terrified that it will either be to hard for him or that he neverreally loved me at all. I poured my heart and soul into him over our 12 years+.
I have a good analogy thanks to therapy lol
You and the children are in the car with your hubby driving 60 miles per hour and you see a sign that says the bridge is out 1000 ft. You just passed the sign that says 500ft and he is not slowing or hearing your cries. At which point do you grab the kids and jump? Answer again if the car is going 30mph? How long will you let this go on for you and the kids?
My husband just moved out last week and I am reeling but I am healing. Not sure how but it isn't getting worse at this point. He is currently on a nice little stretch of mr. nice guy, full of guilt and saying he sees now and that he never did before. I'm trying not to get sucked in or annoyed and it is like a tight rope lol. I just want to walk right here in the middle. Too early to know anything.
I was able to deny and cover and excuse for 12 years. It does not get better until you grab the bull by the horns. Or if you are as scared as I was you leave a note under his coffee cup in the morning saying get out and do it peacefully or I will run like hell. That is the morning my husband had the great idea to move out and get help