sarah1234

My husband of 5 years (been together for 10) told me last fall that he had started using chewing tobacco and lying to me about it for almost 2 years - even when I flat out asked him about it. I got pretty upset when he told me, mainly because I was abused by someone when I was younger that also made my try chew. So, pretty much when I smell the chew, it makes me think of the abuse I went through. He did stop, which I am glad for, but he really doesn't understand how I'm not over what happened to me...does anyone really get over sexual abuse? Anyway, we have not gotten our marriage back on track. I have a hard time trusting him. He would make up excuses to go to the store so that he could chew before. Now when he takes too long on a simple trip to the store I'm always thinking something is going on. He also does not think that I should tell him that he cannot go somewhere or that he cannot buy something because he is a grown man, and it's his money. He said the wife should submit to her husband and that in every decision that's made, his opinion counts for 51% of the vote and mine for 49%. I've heard something like this before, but I understood it that a man makes 51% of the decisions for the family and the woman makes 49%...not that he can out-vote her in every decision that's made. I've been trying to get him to go to a marriage retreat with me, but he recently told me that he doesn't want to go because the one coming up in our area has a renewal of vows, and he doesn't want to do that. He said that he's not in love with me anymore. What can I do to get our marriage back on track? I have a feeling that there is something else going on, but I can't get him to tell me.

justagirl123

Hi Sarah. I by no means have the answers you seek, but I can tell you this. For me, it's not so much about the specifics of an issue I may have as the blatant derespect and lack of courtesy/caring on the part of my husband. For example, it's not so much that it is actual chewing tobacco or whether he can chose to partake of it. It's more about the fact that it triggers some unpleasant feelings in you and maybe you feel like he isn't respecting that. I am quite old-fashioned and I always feel like my husband should not compromise who he is or what is important to him but that my feelings should matter too. I'm sorry if that is confusing. So, sounds to me like there is more than tobacco going on... In any case, do you think he would be willing to get into a counseling situation where vows did not have to be renewed? Perhaps that is his anger talking (at feeling controlled) when he says he doesn't want to renew his vows? Just some thoughts... Good luck and God Bless you.

airplane

Sarah,

Everyone has their own idea how marriage is suppose to be. I don't know but it sounds like your not OK with the husband calls the shots and has veto powers. Marriage is not 50/50, sometimes it's 25/75 other times it's 60/40. It changes as often as the weather.

God gave your husband to you, so you could learn about yourself and he gave you to your husband so he could learn about his self. You both married the worst and best of what your Mother and Father are and were.

Get into counseling, if he won't go, go without him. Beware of counselor's, there or lousy one's and worst. Look for one whom has done their own work. Search the web for how to choose a marriage counselor. I feel really lucky that my counselor has done her work. Turned her marriage around from the brink of divorce to a loving marriage again.

Learn about the words, shame and abandonment; abuse can be addressed and forgiven. I remember how it felt when I shared with my counselor my abuse as a child. A huge weight had been lifted from my chest.

Life can get better but it takes work and not just by you.