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Old 03-15-2011, 08:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

Hi! I am new here, this is my first post. So, forgive me if I mess this up a bit... I found this forum and read of others who are experiencing or have experienced similar problems. So, I know there are others out there like me. I am looking for some feedback, please! Ideas, suggestions, what you think would work, what worked for you or someone you know. If you are a man, what is your take on this?
So, here's the story. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12. Both of us were previously married at a young age and those marriages didn't work out. My first marriage because my ex-husband would go on the internet when I wasn't around (he worked nights and I worked days so there was ample opportunity) and progressed from masturbating to porn online to "meeting" women in chat rooms for cyber sex to meeting these women in real life and having an actual physical relationship with them. After I found out, we entered marriage counseling and tried to work our marriage out for 5 years. When I found out that he had still been meeting girls during this 5 year period, I left him. A couple of years I met my current husband. I was gunshy about remarrying and I was the one who made us wait at least two years before we married. The sex was amazing. He knew that I was distrustful of the internet sex sites/porn after what I had been through. I told him that I would never ever let that happen to me again. That I was forgiving and understanding about most things, but that was off limits. He agreed. After we married, my ex-husband dropped out of my kids' life. And my new husband honestly took on the role of father. He has been more of a father to them than thier real dad and my children love him so very much. About three years after we married, I noticed our sex life diminishing. I love sex. I loved sex especially with him. It was so incredibly satisfying and he was the best lover I've ever had. And I thought he felt the same. Anyway, with the decline of our sex life (every time I tried to iniate he said no), I began to do some investigating. Yep, internet porn everywhere. I confronted him, he said sometimes a guy just has to masterbate. It's quicker, it's easier, it's faster. OK, I agree. I understand that. It's cool. I said they only thing I would have a problem with is if his masturbation took the place of our sex life. I didn't mind having to step up my own masturbation to compensate, but I didn't want our sex life to stop all together. If he could just give me once a week, I'd be happy and not complain. Well, here we are 7 years later. We have sex -not kidding- twice a year. And that is after I browbeat him death. I nag and nag and nag and he literally says: "ugh. fine". He has a hard time getting and maintaining an erection when he finally concedes to sex and then literallly he wants the sex we do have to be all about me getting him off and nothing for me! I leave frustrated and sad with no orgasm. He doesn't even try to hide the fact that he prefers masturbating to me anymore. I know whenever he locks himself in the bathroom (on a dialy basis) what is going on. I have banged on the door after thirty minutes of him being in there, and this is rather gross, but there is he is with an erection and no poop smell, no shower steam, nothing. I know exactly what he is doing and it makes me sick to my stomach every time. He does this on a daily basis. Last night, I was upstairs about 8 pm laying down with the kids. He said he'd be up in a minute so we could watch tv or visit or whatever. Well, I waited and waited. Finally, about 8:45 I decided I would just go downstairs and hang out with him. Guess what! He was masturbating on the couch! Not under a blanket. His, ahem, was just out for all to see. WHAT?! What if it had been the kids and not me who walked downstairs? Sheesh. Then he got mad at me about it. Said I was uptight and a prude. Seriously?! I love him very much, but dang it! Why doesn't he have sex with me? I've never been too busy, too tired, had a headache, etc. I've tired dressing up, dressing down, watching porn with him, etc. I've talked until I'm blue in the face about how hurtful is choice of porn over me is. Nothing changes. As of right now, I haven't sex since JULY! Help!
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:09 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

umm..what bad luck?

"talked till your blue in the face" ...do you act like his mother?

patrolling his masturbation borders on controlling

maybe he's keeping this fantastic sex to himself because he doesn't like the way you treat him?

i think we're missing some info here...what else is wrong?
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

Oh gosh, I hope I don't act like his mother. I've just talked about how much his choice of masturbation over me is hurtful. I try not to do it often, but I do want my feelings to be known. Maybe I just can't accept that he cares so little about something that hurts me so greatly. Rejection by your spouse? Shouldn't your spouse be the one person you don't get rejected by? And you're right, I should not be patrolling his masturbation. I can't seem to help it though. What is wrong with me??? Maybe it's me and not him! God, I hope so, because I would be willing to take a good long look at myself and correct whatever it is that is pushing him away. But, he won't even talk to me about it. He just tells me everything is fine. What do you think is the right way to treat a man? I try to be supportive and caring. I always cook, clean, etc. so he doesn't have to worry about that. I make sure he has what he needs, do whatever errands he asks me to do and make a good effort to spend some time every day just visiting with him about how his day was. What else should I be doing? Thanks in advance for your input.
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

I kind of have to agree with SaffronPower here. Something is missing.

What kind of sex life did you have before with him? I know at some point when a guy is asking and not getting, it's easier to just take care of it himself and it becomes the status quo going forward. A little porn, a little stroking, done.

the other thing may be that he has erection problems and can't get off through normal intercourse but can through masturbation.

As for your satisfaction in bed, that's up to you to make sure you get what you want. if he finishes, have him finish you. Or have him do you first.
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

Hi Chris,
Thank you (and Saffron) so much for your feedback and honesty. This has truly stumped me and you are helping me to see things a little more clearly. Our sex life before was amazing. Amazing for both of us. We had sex, in the beginning, every single day and then it just kind of dwindled down to about once a week, which was fine. I have never, ever turned him down if he asked for or even acted like he wanted sex. He is the best lover I've ever had and I love him so much I honestly never ever have turned him down. It is him turning me down. He did have a vastectomy several years ago and I wonder if that can affect his ability to maintain or even get an erection. But, am I being selfish? I just want a little attention too! Even if it is not sex. If he would just reach for me instead of the darn computer. In our sex life now, which again is about twice a year, he says that if he tries to take the time to touch or kiss me he'll lose his erection. So it's all about me making him aroused then him quickly getting the job done. Then he leaves. There is no finishing me off or me going first because he can't get hard unless I perform oral sex and once I do he's inside so fast because he says he'll lose it. I never try to make him feel bad about this, because I think it would be horrible to make your husband feel ashamed about sex. Maybe thats why. Maybe he doesn't want me because it is almost impossible for him to please me anymore. But still, wouldn't you want to get some Viagra or something? Wouldn't you miss having sex with your wife? And why would there be no problems with getting and/maintaining an erection with porn but only with me? That makes me think something is wrong with me. What do you think?
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Old 03-15-2011, 01:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

There are options other than Viagra though if that works it easy. He could go with a pump or injections into the side of his penis; no it's not painful.
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Old 03-16-2011, 07:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

sounds like a health problem. dose he have heart disease in his family.

he needs a complete physical and he needs to be honest with the doctor.

good luck
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Old 03-16-2011, 08:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

Oh honey yeah you need him to get to the doctor for a physical. There are medical reasons. He needs to tell the doctor honestly that he is having problems maintaining an erection with you. I think it's an early warning sign for heart/circulatory problems too<<<totally not a doctor here. He can do it with porn because its focused and probably fast.

Don't be scared but he needs to check this out medically. I know he's obviously not the "chatter type" when it comes to this kind of intimate stuff. But he owes it to both of you. Insist he goes to the doctor.

The pain of not being able to perform for you is probably why he is so agitated and buggy and LIMP. I doubt it has anything to do with you at all. If he checks out okay and the doctor think's he can take it, he'll probably come home with a viagra script and I'd say ...Bolt the door and have some fun!!!!

It sounds like you're very caring and will tippy toe around his ego and get him "pointed" in the right direction soon
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Old 03-18-2011, 12:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

I hope you are still around to read this.

Sure, a physical is a good idea.

But, honestly, a man with a physical problem that had no issues before would be concerned himself. His attitude would be completely different. He'd WANT to be with you and find himself not fully able. He's want to go find out what's wrong. And, my guess is, he wouldn't have 45 minutes of masturbation time going for him, but somehow can't keep it up 5 minutes for his wife. Furthermore, if he was such a great lover before, it means that he knows how to do more than in-out-thankyoumam, so he's at least be pleasing you in other ways, rather than insisting he be pleased and then walk away.

How is he behaving in other areas of life? Sex is where problems are usually most obvious, but certainly not the only place where they exist when they are this severe. Is he still a good father to the children? (I'd start to have serious doubts about that when a man cares so much about his masturbation that he'd be willing to expose the children if they walked in). Does he spend other type of quality time with you? Does he do any nice things for you or take you on dates? How is your friendship with him? How's the communication? Does he help out around the house (or is he king)? I would define for yourself more clearly the areas (outside of sex) where he's showing the same disregard for your happiness and for your feelings.

You did this rodeo once before. And I'm sorry that you are finding yourself with a man that's sexually disrespecting you once again. The only thing that I would say, if you are looking to examine yourself, is that from part of your post, I wonder if you are too subservient, too eager, too needy? And I don't mean because you need sex or love from your husband ... I mean, because you seem like you've accommodated his nonsense to degrees that most women wouldn't. Maybe I'm wrong, there's no enough info on that.

But that wouldn't be totally neither here nor there.

For me, what's most relevant is his lack of acknowledgment that there is a problem, his disregard for your unhappiness on this issue and his attempts to turn this into your fault ("you're a prude" etc). A couple can a problem between them. Even a really big one like yours. But if there's respect, communication and willingness to do right by the other person, anything can be overcome.

In your case, I'd be less worried about the fact that he doesn't want sex and is masturbating all the time instead, and would be most concerned about the lack of respect, lack of communication and complete disregard for your unhappiness (sexual and otherwise).

You wasted many years in your previous marriage trying to solve something that never got solved. My advice to you in this marriage is to sit down with him at a very calm moment, ask him to listen and tell him 1) That while it appears he's okay with things, you are not and that you are unhappy about your sex life, 2) that you are unhappy about his lack of care that there's is no sex life, 3) that you are unhappy that he broke his promise to you that he'd stay off internet porn (it's not like you tricked him, you were upfront early in the relationship and yet have been very flexible), 4) that you'd like him to go get a medical checkup and go to marriage counseling with you.

I think you should (regardless of what he says or agrees to): 1) go to counseling yourself to sort out your feelings about this and decide how to handle it, 2) strengthen yourself up and make it clear there's no free lunch anymore (meaning you are not his begging, nagging, needy wife anymore -- not saying that's what you are, but rather that's what he may perceive) and that he can get on track in the marriage or you're going to do what you need to make yourself happy. Define what happy without needing anything from him means for yourself and go for that. In some cases, that may be divorce, in others it means you fulfill your needs for validation and love elsewhere (and, no, I don't mean an affair, but I do mean finding a support network that builds you up rather than tears you down).

Good luck and I'm sorry. I know TOO WELL what it's like to go so long without sex despite being marriage. It's quite bitter.
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Old 03-18-2011, 12:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

Hi,
Same experience and situation like yours I had.
Your husband might suffer low testosterone.
Can you encourage him go for a blood test?
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Old 03-20-2011, 10:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

I agree with MsLady... you were upfront with him. I've read before in a book that some of the most neglected women are the ones that are always available to the guy for sex.

Keep your self-respect. He blames you and makes you feel like you're the problem because he doesn't want to deal with his own issues.

If I was in your shoes (and I'm a porn-hater) I would think that he doesn't love me anymore... and then I would question why I'm with him again...

If you're uncomfortable, don't allow yourself to be... remove yourself from the situation. And I wonder what else he may be into? I hope nothing else... but sometimes (if this is a sex addiction) it will turn into something else.

I think masturbation is wrong... I will not accept it in my household. You're not crazy for thinking the way you are. Just stand up and believe in yourself, your worth, and ACT... towards change. You can't really change him. But you can change yourself...
If you keep doing what you've been doing-- you're gonna get the same results. But I guess, you'll know when enough's enough.

I hope everything gets better. But eventually your children will imitate or may grow up thinking that's okay. You have control over what you expose yourself and your children to... not necessarily him.

Wishing you the best. Hoping you have the courage to believe you are a very valuable woman... a worthy woman-- that other guys (especially a true Christian guy) would value. You have so much to offer. Don't let anyone belittle you... He has a problem... and I bet you're more than willing to admit to ANY problem you have and fix it...
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Old 03-21-2011, 06:41 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by SaffronPower View Post
umm..what bad luck?

"talked till your blue in the face" ...do you act like his mother?

patrolling his masturbation borders on controlling

maybe he's keeping this fantastic sex to himself because he doesn't like the way you treat him?

i think we're missing some info here...what else is wrong?
Worst answer I've ever read.

there is nothing wrong with masturbation, and it has it's place in a healthy sex life. This is not healthy.

She was not patrolling his masturbation, she told him what the limits and boundaries were and why she felt that way. he agreed. then he went and used internet porn anyway, and obviously has a huge problem.

This is in no way the OP's fault.

it is not her fault that the her husband chose to betray her and then hide it from her. It is not her fault that he didn't respect the relationship enough to concentrate on her and their sex life rather then turning to porn.

Porn can be very harmful to relationships.

He doesn't have a physical problem, he has a psychological problem, and needs help. he chooses to whack off to porn and now he can't have sex or get off without it.
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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honestly u are not the problem justagirl123. the problem is that he chooses to see u in a different light. he might not seem to be attracted to u and goes to masterbation instead. and it probally has nothing to do with u. its the way he sees u thru his eyes. i see it as if a man really deeply loves a women, he will always be attracted to her. how is ur relationship with him besides the sex? if i were you i would do a little investigating. he could also be cheating on u. i think porn opens the door for men to explore other things. that seems to be the case with me and my unfaithful husband. so girl to girl- check on ur husband for other signs that might be cheating. after what i been thru, i dont doubt any man of cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

The sad truth is that he might not be attractive to you anymore. For whatever reason. And he's gotten so used to that tight grip of his hand, that a vagina just doesn't do it for him.

You have to confront him on whether you are attractive to him anymore. And if he is, and wants to change, he needs to stop masturbating so he gets sensitive to the feel of your vagina again.

I know this sounds crude, but it's the truth. If he doesn't want to change, well, you either leave him, live with it or cheat.
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Old 03-23-2011, 11:37 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband prefers masturbation to sex. Help!

ddrh, you said "I think masturbation is wrong... I will not accept it in my household." I'm curious about how you stop the folks in your house from masturbating? Can they do it outside the house? Do you have security cameras in rooms and watch your family members? What is the punishment for masturbating? And what constitutes masturbating in your opinion? Would someone taking too much time washing their privates in the shower be masturbating to you?
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