I would appreciate any and all feedback! My H has a guys night out planned in a few weeks with a few buddies he has not seen in about a year. He is to meet them after work, go bar hopping and then stay the night at one of the friend's house, who is recently divorced & the other friend is soon to be separated. We have been married over 25 years, kids are out of the house....and this is new one....I feel like we are way past this, so when he told me his plan, I offered to pick him up if he needed a ride, but shared that I was not comfortable with this, told him while I understood the time with his friends, I wasn't thrilled with their entertainment for the evening, also him staying overnight at the buddies would not be my preference. Shared too that I did not feel this was something a married man in his 40s should do. He responded I was overreacting, if I trusted him it would not be an issue, & said he was doing nothing wrong, I was the one with a problem, also his plan would be easier. As a side note, while I might get together with girlfriends, it usually involves dinner or a movie, not bar hopping and overnights, just does not appeal. When I compared his plans to my girls nights out, he said if I wanted to do the above, he would have no problem with it, he trusted me....so now he has me thinking I am a shrew and second guessing myself.... thoughts?
There are a few ways to look at this. Do you trust him is the frist question? Has he given you any inkling of a reason to believe that he would do something that crosses the line?
I can tell you I would never ask my wife to be okay with this.........go out, get lit, bar hop, with single and recently divorced guys, and then don't come home.
It's the don't come home part that plants the seed of question imo.
You guys need to continue to talk through this, but if he hasn't given you any reason not to trust him after all of these years. Then he may be just looking for some fun with some old friends doing some cutting up......with no intention of doing anything that truly crosses the line.
My wife's last business trip with about 4 other people I know. They stayed out until 2am in San Diego went dancing, she danced with guys from all over and was drinking.......she called me 3x and I trust her. She has never given me a reason not too.
With all that being said I don't see a reason to sleep out. Keep us posted :-)
It would bother me too. It's placing him in a situation that could get sticky and I don't think that's wise.
I'm far more social than my husband is and he's fairly understanding of this but I keep my social gatherings generally at home and ladies only generally unless it's a couple thing and then he's with me. I am assuming since one friend is divorced and one is separated that the buddies your husband are hanging out with will be looking for women and it's not appropriate for him to be doing this.
Every now and then my friends and I will actually go out but my husband always knows where I am, can contact me anytime via phone and is always the one to pick me up.
Nothing wrong with having a good time now and then but I think doing it with respect to each other's feelings is important.
A question I have for you is do you trust your husband and just don't like him putting himself in a sticky situation or do you not trust him and feel uncomfortable when he goes out without you all the time?
Either way, I understand how you feel and don't think it's strange at all.
unless he specifically said that there would be female entertainment at his friend's house, they were going to strip clubs, he has given you reason to not trust him or does this frequently (all of which you have NOT indicated), stop acting like his mother.
I think you mean a group of 50 year old guys. That's probably a little closer to reality, unless you married at 18. Hey gals? Any of you going to get horny seeing a bunch of geriatrics partying it up at the local bar on Saturday night? Didn't think so.
When I go out drinking with a bunch of my geezer frends, hooking up with chicks isn't an option. Even if we wanted to. Even if that were the REASON we went, which it's not. And if I'm with a bunch of old friends, it's not even in the cards.
Do not ruin this night out for him. When I opened this I thought it was a weekly thing. First time in a year? Don't even let him know you're uncomfortable with it.
I think you're making a big deal out of nothing. If he is seeing friends for the first time in a year and is wanting to go out and have some guy time, what's the big deal? Yeah when you go out with your friends you do something different, but that's because those are your interests... not his. If this was a habitual thing then, yes, I could see where you'd have valid concerns but this is like him wanting to let his hair down for one night.
The more you give him sh!t about this, the more it is going to make him angry and if you guilt him into not having fun with his guy friends he will resent you for it. Is it really worth it?
Thanks for the feedback. No, we haven't talked anymore about his plans. My attempt not to beleaguer my point and give him a chance to respond. I just wanted to clarify a couple of things though, this is his first time in a year to see this particular group of friends. He has guy time on a pretty regular basis, he is on a league, he may go to a game, a brewery etc. about once a week, even an occasional weekend trip to a race, the frequency depends on his schedule or what we have going on. I didn't mean to give the impression this is the first time in a year he had been anywhere with the guys! What's different is the spending the night thing after bar hopping. And yes, he did have an affair, years ago. This is my attempt to get perspective from both the wife and husband view. I am asking myself, am I reacting to our past? or is this valid for our relationship today? Is it minutiae or a big deal? I feel pretty strongly on this one, which is why I told him what I was thinking, after all, he can't read my mind.
Shared too that I did not feel this was something a married man in his 40s should do.
Are you supposed to roll over and die in your 40s? I go out to bars with friends and I'm in my 40s. I go out by myself too. I have a good time. There's no harm in it as long as you aren't doing anything "harmful".
Now if he was going to a strip club and getting a lap dance THAT is something a married man shouldn't do. Sounds like he just wants to out for some "men time" with his buddies and be able to sleep it off.
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As a side note, while I might get together with girlfriends, it usually involves dinner or a movie, not bar hopping and overnights, just does not appeal.
So in other words, unless he does what YOU would do it isn't OK?
If you have a good marriage I'd let it go. Sounds like you've come around.
Go out with your friends on that same night and have a good time. Then compare notes.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
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I really feel this comes down to TRUST. If your husband has been ever faithful in the past, open -honest, never doing anything suspicious, if he is a man or morals & character, if your relationship is in good standing , I would ask you - WHY NOT?
It is a really rare occasion, it is not like he is going to loose all of of this (above) just cause he is with the guys.
I wouldnt give it a 2nd thought if my husband was asked, I may miss him being at home with me that particular night, but I would want him to go -have fun, connect with your old buddies. And hopefully he would tell me what all went on afterwards. I am pretty open about such things, I think I could handle it.
Sorry, I just noticed you mentioned in the past, he did have an affair. That shakes it up a bit, I can see your worry. The past coming back up. But IF you & he has totally moved on from that time, you understand why it happened, how it happened, if you & he got past it totally, it is forgiven. Go from there.
Obviously been thinking about this a lot the last few days and doing some self evaluation. Not always a comfortable thing! I think I am letting the past color today. It used to be a common occurance for me to not know where he was, for him to come home late or not come home at all...so there is some history here.... But right now I am assigning other motivations in my mind & at this point it is nothing other than him going out, having a good time and crashing at a friends. So easy to say you have put something behind you when your trust is never tested! So spoke with H yesterday and told him I had been thinking about our conversation, that basically it comes down to me trusting him & he has not given me any reason not to, encouraged him to go and have a good time. Then I dropped it and have not brought it up since. So we'll see.
My husband has never been unfaithful but I'd still be uncomfortable with him putting himself in your husband's position. Part of being faithful in a relationship is not willingly putting yourself in situations that could leave you vulnerable to being unfaithful.
This is why if I were going to bars every weekend and chatting up men, drinking alcohol and putting myself in bad situations I'd consider it disrespectful to my husband and and our relationship. It's the same as cozying up to a co-worker that you have feelings for and going to lunch with them while telling yourself it's no big deal because it's only work. This is also why celebrities and the types of careers/lifestyle choices that involve heavy drinking/partying as the norm don't have relationships that last.
The choices we make for ourselves in our lives do in fact say something about how much we value our relationships.
My husband has never been unfaithful but I'd still be uncomfortable with him putting himself in your husband's position. Part of being faithful in a relationship is not willingly putting yourself in situations that could leave you vulnerable to being unfaithful.
This is why if I were going to bars every weekend and chatting up men, drinking alcohol and putting myself in bad situations I'd consider it disrespectful to my husband and and our relationship. It's the same as cozying up to a co-worker that you have feelings for and going to lunch with them while telling yourself it's no big deal because it's only work. This is also why celebrities and the types of careers/lifestyle choices that involve heavy drinking/partying as the norm don't have relationships that last.
The choices we make for ourselves in our lives do in fact say something about how much we value our relationships.
i would agree if this is what he is doing. But just going bar hopping isn't putting himself "in a bad situation", assuming there's no drinking and driving.
your examples of "cozying up to a co-worker" and "putting myself in bad situations" are taking a huge leap of faith that any of this type of behavior would be going on.
granted his past indiscretion can make trust harder to come by, but leaping to these conclusions won't help her relationship.
He's going bar hoping with two newly single men and then staying out all night at their house. He does regularly go out and has his "man things" which don't bother her. She's certainly not over reacting and shouldn't be told to swallow her misgivings and trust him if she doesn't feel this way herself and he has cheated on her in the past.
All I'm saying is the choices we make say something about how much we value our relationships. He should respect that she has misgivings and address them in ways that make her more comfortable. I think the attitude of...hey! he just wants to have a good time with the boys and she's an overbearing wife if she won't let him...is dumb. It's just my personal feelings on the matter. I get that I'm often alone with my strong opinions and they might seem stupid as well, but hey, what's a girl gonna do?
guys night out-overreacting? 
