What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

I was reading what men and women want or need from their spouses. There are many different personality types that would play into what one would want or need.

My wife is very strong, independant. She's not vocal with her emotions. She doesn't like to put those things out there. She's not mushy, not cuddley or lovey dovey. She's COMPLETELY opposite of me. I like to be close. I like to verbally express how I feel about her. I like physical touch. Sometimes it gets me down because I feel like I try what would satisfy me on her and it doesn't vibe.

So to all of you stroing independant type women out there. What is it that you long for from your hsuband? What is it that gets you to give him what he wants/needs?

It's hard for a husband to think that he isn't giving you exactly what you want/need...
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

FYI...
On top of the physical things in which I have listed, I do always give my wife what she deserves. Respect, love, support, acknowledgement. I try to make her life low stress. I'm a proud husband. Like I am a proud dad. She has had many big accomplishments which I am extremely proud of. I know I could never get another woman like her. She is an indiviual. One of a kind. I couldn't imagine having to go through my life with out her now that I have her as my best friend and know that someone so great does in fact exist...
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

Well first, quit trying to guess or ask strangers. Ask her. If she is truly independent, she will know you cannot read her mind, and she'll be happy to tell you. Also, do not be needy--her strength may make you think that is ok, but it isn't. Strong people admire and respect others who are strong, too. They have compassion for those who have a reason to be needy (children, people who are ill, etc.), but they do not have a lot of compassion for adults who choose to act dependent.

Be fun and interesting. Playfulness is good, but also be willing (and prepared) to have intellectually challenging conversations--keep up on the news, etc.

Claim "ownership" of activities about 1/2 the time--you make the plans and she gets to tag along for the fun. She will grow tired of always having to be responsible for YOUR entertainment (that's a sign of dependency on your part).

Set challenges for yourself and work to meet them. She'll respect and admire that.

These are just some ideas off the cuff. Good luck!
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

I'm Trying

Read the link below. If it resonates let me know what you think.

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I was reading what men and women want or need from their spouses. There are many different personality types that would play into what one would want or need.

My wife is very strong, independant. She's not vocal with her emotions. She doesn't like to put those things out there. She's not mushy, not cuddley or lovey dovey. She's COMPLETELY opposite of me. I like to be close. I like to verbally express how I feel about her. I like physical touch. Sometimes it gets me down because I feel like I try what would satisfy me on her and it doesn't vibe.

So to all of you stroing independant type women out there. What is it that you long for from your hsuband? What is it that gets you to give him what he wants/needs?

It's hard for a husband to think that he isn't giving you exactly what you want/need...
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

Sorry about not being clear.
I don't come across as being needy. I don't ask for extras. Here's an example of how things go in a day...
We wake up. I make coffee. I get my oldest up for school and get my youngest's stuff ready for daycare. I iron my clothes, hers if they need to be. I get dressed. I start the car. I get the little one up when he wakes up and finish getting him ready.
Al the while she is able to relax and get herself ready without stressing too much in the morning. Do I feel I do too much? No, because I have the time to do it all. Because I like to be busy. I do however acknowledge the fact that it is quite a bit and not the norm for most.
We carpool to work so after work we pick up the little one. When we get home I prep and cook dinner while she tends to the youngest. Usually she will pick up after dinner though sometimes I tell her that I can handle it.
Weekends I make breakfast and bring it to her in bed. It's nice to be able to relax before everyone gets up.
At the end of the day, we share our responsibilities.

But I know that I put in quite a bit. I was hoping that someone could give some insight before I go asking her. It would be nice if one day she was suddenly surprised that I have stepped it up a bit more without having to run to her with it.
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm_Trying View Post
So to all of you stroing independant type women out there. What is it that you long for from your hsuband? What is it that gets you to give him what he wants/needs?
Are you my dh? Just kidding he doesn't do boards so I'm safe.

Wow I'd love to talk to you more about the husband side of this as yes I'm a "trying to take it down a few notches strong independent type woman". But first I'll answer your question. My husband gave me everything I wanted (space, freedom, support, all of it)....except sex. It seems the longer we were married, the less lovey dovey I was with him the more he withdrew. The more he withdrew the angrier I got until we spent years in this vicious cycle.

My first clue as to what was wrong was when I took a women's bible study. That peeked my interest and since then I've been reading every book I could get my hands on about men and relationships. My unofficial diagnosis: I have a case of role reversal on my hands. He's more the cuddly, lovey dovey type and I'm kinda of aloof and unemotional. Sex was more mechanical for me and he wanted it to be more intimate. It wasn't working for him so he quit.

One of my favorite books that mentions role reversal is John Grays mars and venus get married or in long term relationship forget which. He gives good tips on how to get a woman back to her feminine sides. Right now your wife is operating on her male side (it's where I gravitate to so I have to work at it to be more soft and feminine). On the flip side you are operating on your female side so if you can get to be more male she will get more female. It's all about balance. yin/yang, light/dark that kind of thing.

I feel for you. Even knowing all this it's still a struggle for me to get in touch with my feminine side. It's like I'm so male I need a checklist. Hug dh. Check. Kiss him and mean it. Check. Give him a back rub. Check. I love him dearly and would do anything for him but lovey dovey is not my first language.
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

@MEM
Dead on...
I have retracted from all of that. Minus the housework/responsibilities. Like I said, I like to be busy...

Let me ask this though...
Doesn't look like a lop sided compromise if one is doing as they always do and the other is the one changing behavior?
To be totally hinest, I felt like I was ok with it all. I had accepted it. I had seen this site before and I like to come by and see what is helping and what isn't. Getting tips from readings.
Once I read some of the posts about what a man or woman wants/needs from their spouse, I got to thinking.

A lot of women responded by saying that after reading those posts, they are going to tell their husband's how much they really love and appreciate him. It just got me thinking. If my wife read this stuff, would she be thinking the same thing?
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by I'm_Trying View Post
But I know that I put in quite a bit. I was hoping that someone could give some insight before I go asking her. It would be nice if one day she was suddenly surprised that I have stepped it up a bit more without having to run to her with it.
You won't like this statement. You aren't needy you are doing too much and getting nothing in return. My dh was there too. Truthfully he should have stopped as I took complete and full advantage of him. In the process I lost respect for him as a man.

You are going to have to have a conversation with her. Say I do this FOR you and I need this FROM you...in detail. And if she doesn't comply with meeting your needs for lovey dovey then pull back and quit being HER helpmate.
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

I read something the other day.
It's business related but totally relates to relationships as well.

People wil always do what they know. Even if they know the outcome could or would be negative. No one wants to do what they don't know because they are afraid of the outcome.

I thought about that after I told myself that I wouldn't want to pull back more because I'd be afraid that I would be sitting where I am right now. BUT, why woudn't I try it? Because now, there is an opprotunity that something great could come of it. What's the worst that could happen? I stay at the same state as I'm at right now?

I suppose I just have to try something different and be open to the results...
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

Oh MEM good link and that explains a lot. I used to be the cool one until he stopped having sex with me. Then dh flipped to the cool one and I became the hot one. I see it now. I mean now that I get this if I get needy/clingy and feel him pulling away I know that's a sign I need to move away and do less to restore balance in our marriage. Doing more never works. The other just retreats even further. Been there done that a hundred times before.

Interesting read. Thanks.
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Old 04-01-2011, 03:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

I'm Trying, what about her do you love? What does she do that makes you want to treat her so well?

Sorry, but I don't buy that one is always taken advantage of while the other gets away with murder. Both have to be getting and giving something or comfortable with the level of getting/giving or it wouldn't happen.
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Old 04-01-2011, 04:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm Trying, what about her do you love? What does she do that makes you want to treat her so well?

Sorry, but I don't buy that one is always taken advantage of while the other gets away with murder. Both have to be getting and giving something or comfortable with the level of getting/giving or it wouldn't happen.
We get along great! We're best friends. We laugh. We share the same beliefs. We parent the same. She drives me to be better. She's supportive. Maybe there is some misconception. She's not treating me poorly. I'm not complaining about how or who she is. I'm trying to figure out how I can get her comfortable enough to meet me on my level of affection. I try to by her while still staying true to me. I want to know how might a strong independant woman who isn't all that emotional show more emotion towards he SO who is an emotional affectionate type.
Make sense?
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Old 04-01-2011, 04:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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It makes sense but I can't help you...I'm an emotional woman.

I just didn't want to see the thread turn to a "You need to man up" thread if your wife and you are happy and she is a good wife but you are looking for more affection.
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Old 04-01-2011, 04:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Old 04-01-2011, 04:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...

She's good to me. Just isn't at all intimate. I'm trying to get that back.
Maybe I could lay off a bit. See what happens...
The link that MEM posted definitely posted me to be the warm one...
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