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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-02-2011, 03:54 PM Thread Starter
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am i selfish?

Looking for advice...
My boyfriend of 6 years and I started dating when I was a junior in college. We had known each other since I was a freshman in college. He was a year older and graduated in December and moved back home (2 1/2 hours away), so most of our actual dating has been long-distance.
We have very good communication and have made a huge commitment to making our long-distance relationship work for so long. After graduating, he took a year off from school and then went to 3 years of law (about 4 hours away from me). Again, weekend road trips and nightly video chats on skype helped our relationship be successful.
Well, he graduated from law school last May and we hoped to be together after he got his Bar exam results in October and secured a job. Well, he just missed passing the bar exam by a few points and thus his hopes of landing a job (especially in the city where I am) decreased drastically.
He re-took the exam in February and should get his results in a few weeks. He still has no job offers because no one wants to hire him without knowing his results (especially in this economy).
I wanted him to come to the city where I am in while he waits for his results, but he said that he would not have me support him financially. I can understand that. He will not propose or make any steps towards us being together until he feels his career is enough to support me and a family. I find myself getting more and more frustrated. Not at him, but at the whole situation. I have a really good job in the city I am in, my whole family is here, but am willing to move if he gets a job elsewhere.
Am I being selfish? I know he is trying to find a job but I just feel like if he really wanted to be with me, we would be, despite all this stuff with his career. What happens if he gets his results and still did not pass. Are we going to wait another year? I just want to settle down. I never thought it would be 6 years and we are still doing this long-distance thing. I really do not see an end in sight. Everything is up in the air and he keeps saying that if we want it enough we just have to be patient. I understand where he is coming from - that he wants to be responsible and financially ready before he gets married, but I am at my breaking-point with this indefinite long-distance relationship.
Any advice? Am I just being impatient and selfish of his career needs?

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-02-2011, 07:03 PM
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Re: am i selfish?

Excuse me but is this a serious question? Keep what you have for the next several months AT THE LEAST. And when and if he passes AND lands a job THEN figure out what you're going to do.

I am curious what you think is different now versus the past 6 years where you were apart?
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-02-2011, 07:12 PM
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Re: am i selfish?

No, I dont think you are being selfish. But I also dont think he should go where you are if its going to bother him that much. Just hang in there for a few more weeks until he gets his results. If he doesnt pass again then consider telling him you cant do long distance anymore.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-02-2011, 07:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: am i selfish?

Thanks for the comments.
In regards to the question, what is different now than in the past 6 years, is that we had planned on being together over a year ago. With his results coming in a few weeks, and him still having no job prospects, he is talking about how this long distance relationship might last even longer now.
My anxiety is rising because I know that I don't want to do this long distance thing any more. Mentally, I am beginning to break down on a regular basis. I am thankful that he is in my life, but now I have only been seeing him one weekend a month because of my work and his commitments where he lives. Even though we talk, I feel like we are missing out on so much of the little things that happened every day in each of our lives.
I know my question must seem silly when there are people having major relationship issues, but for me this is something that is really bothering me. I just wanted some feedback from those who have been thought this long-term, long-distance relationship thing. Thanks.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-03-2011, 02:41 PM
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Re: am i selfish?

I'd wait until he gets his results then decide the timeline as to how long you will continue the long distance relationship. I couldn't live like that either so I get your point but forcing him to do something he isn't willing to isn't a good idea either.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-05-2011, 09:21 AM
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Re: am i selfish?

Long distance relationships are a little hard on us and so is life, sometimes! From what I see, there is a good relationship between you two but life is throwing its own plans(passing/failing an exam). Yes, this situation sucks and I'm kind of in a similar situation. The only difference is I quit my job and moved in with my boyfriend/now my husband. Do you have some option like that - move to his place and find a job for you? see if there is something that can be worked our and remember communication is the key. Keep talking to him about this. You are not being selfish, its just that you are running out of patience. As far as your bf is concerned, he seems to have the bar exam/settling down/job in mind first. Once that's done, he may be ready to prospose or marry. Give him his time,girl. Look at the big picture - may be 20 years from today and when you both are happily married and have your lids around these 2-3 years of wait may seem so trivial, isn't it?Hang in there, only thing is make sure that he does plan to settle down with you.

All the best.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-05-2011, 11:49 AM
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Re: am i selfish?

Long distance relationships are hard.

I spent 25 years in the military and my husband spent 20.

There were several separations, some more than 2 years.

We never had any issues.

If you love him, you'll wait. Sure it's an inconvenience - love comes with a lot of them. He is trying to secure your future together.

Either support him or get out - it's pretty simple for me.

He's looking for that support - if you can't support him now, then what happens down the road if something really serious happens - such as an accident or serious illness. You need to decide if you're in it for the long haul or not.

Read some of my post(s), things could be much, much, much worse.

"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-05-2011, 12:03 PM
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Re: am i selfish?

I wanted him to come to the city where I am in while he waits for his results, but he said that he would not have me support him financially. I can understand that. He will not propose or make any steps towards us being together until he feels his career is enough to support me and a family.
I see two problems here.

First, do you want to be with a guy who is so dependent on traditional stereotypes? What will he be like as a partner/father if he is so tied into his earning capacity? How will he handle things if you are the primary wage earner, or just earning more money than him? His claim about the job, etc. sounds rather weak, in fact, which brings me to. . .

Second--this sounds wishy-washy. If he really wanted to be with you---after 6 years!!---he'd be with you. If you can do so well w/o each other, why do you think you need to be together? Your situation is different from a couple who was together for some time, and then had to part for a time.

You have a right to be "selfish." This is your life. Why you have settled for 6 years of separateness, I'll never understand--except that each of you is fairly happy alone, with the illusion of a relationship 3/4ths of the time. Except now you are not happy, and clearly he still is. So, you've reached your limit. Time to fish or cut bait--for YOURSELF. You cannot force him to feel/do as you wish, but you can get moving to get your own needs met. He either moves in the same direction (literally and figuratively), or not.

Good luck.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-10-2011, 07:47 PM
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Re: am i selfish?

Six years is way too long to be in a long distance relationship. I think if he was really 100% sure you two would have been together a long time before now.
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