Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Central Virginia
Re: I am miserable
Seek marriage counseling first to try to re-kindle the flame. It will be worth the time, effort, and money, no matter what the outcome (because if you do end up separating, at least you both tried).
You are at serious risk of having an affair-you likely just cannot go on forever like this (even though you think you can). Please do something before that happens, because it will deeply cloud your judgment and that may have a very negative impact on your kids.
If you just cannot bring yourself to try counseling, then start the paperwork for a separation--in my state, once you file a joint petition, stating all the ground rules, you can begin "living it" as though you are legally separated (it is a temporary order, pending final divorce). Then the time just passes and, unless one of you takes further legal action, you get your hearing and the divorce is final.
Keep the kids in the center for the next couple of years. Make changes slowly for their sake--not too much at once (for example, if you move, try to keep them in the same school one more year even if it means extra driving on your part). I basically came up with a long-term plan that allows my kids to enjoy both parents and a lot of stability even as I am making big changes (grad school, new job, etc). I won't ask them to make a big change more than once--one new school, one new home--and, as I said, not at the same time b/c adapting to a new family dynamic is hard on kids. Throwing in a new love interest is just not fair to them, so keep your dating life private for a long time. If your partner doesn't get that your kids need a couple of years to adapt to the divorce, then he's not for you. AND, if you wait to start dating for a year or two, anyway, then this would be a moot point--your kids will have had adjustment time before you even think of bringing in someone new.
Once you make up your mind about what you will try/do, commit to it. If you keep second guessing or waffle, the kids will get confused. So, know what you want before you take action, and be willing to live with consequences of your decisions.
I have no regrets about leaving, although I could have handled a few things better. The things I did not think about as much, and plan for, are the places I wish I'd done better. But I did keep my kids at the center and the decisions on made that directly affected them, I'm glad I thought about long and hard. That careful planning and having some guiding principles worked out well.