I am miserable
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Old 04-03-2011, 01:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy I am miserable

I am married, been married 15 years, i have kids with my husband also... my issue...

I am no longer in love, so why is it so hard for me to move on? My husband is not a bad person he is a great father but we are just 2 different people ad i am not feeling it mentally or physically anymore. We dont have sex cause i always have an excuse, I am no longer physically attracted to him. Anyone on the outside looking in thinks my marriage is GREAT, but deep down I am miserable, i mean almost physically sick miserable. I cant understand these feelings because again...he really isnt a bad guy. I have fallen out of love with him. WHAT TO DO? I think my main reason for being here is my kids, maybe money (2paychecks are better than 1) At one time i sorta told him how i feel and he agreead to a short seperation after the holiday, his first thought was that there was another man, there is not another person. The seperation never happened, i dont know why. I think at that time he was getting the house painted, bathrom redone, things that i look back at and feel may have been a distraction to avoid the seperation. Anyway... let me not drag on, please send advice

Please give me your honest advice
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Old 04-03-2011, 01:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

Seek marriage counseling first to try to re-kindle the flame. It will be worth the time, effort, and money, no matter what the outcome (because if you do end up separating, at least you both tried).

You are at serious risk of having an affair-you likely just cannot go on forever like this (even though you think you can). Please do something before that happens, because it will deeply cloud your judgment and that may have a very negative impact on your kids.

If you just cannot bring yourself to try counseling, then start the paperwork for a separation--in my state, once you file a joint petition, stating all the ground rules, you can begin "living it" as though you are legally separated (it is a temporary order, pending final divorce). Then the time just passes and, unless one of you takes further legal action, you get your hearing and the divorce is final.

Keep the kids in the center for the next couple of years. Make changes slowly for their sake--not too much at once (for example, if you move, try to keep them in the same school one more year even if it means extra driving on your part). I basically came up with a long-term plan that allows my kids to enjoy both parents and a lot of stability even as I am making big changes (grad school, new job, etc). I won't ask them to make a big change more than once--one new school, one new home--and, as I said, not at the same time b/c adapting to a new family dynamic is hard on kids. Throwing in a new love interest is just not fair to them, so keep your dating life private for a long time. If your partner doesn't get that your kids need a couple of years to adapt to the divorce, then he's not for you. AND, if you wait to start dating for a year or two, anyway, then this would be a moot point--your kids will have had adjustment time before you even think of bringing in someone new.

Once you make up your mind about what you will try/do, commit to it. If you keep second guessing or waffle, the kids will get confused. So, know what you want before you take action, and be willing to live with consequences of your decisions.

I have no regrets about leaving, although I could have handled a few things better. The things I did not think about as much, and plan for, are the places I wish I'd done better. But I did keep my kids at the center and the decisions on made that directly affected them, I'm glad I thought about long and hard. That careful planning and having some guiding principles worked out well.
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Old 04-03-2011, 03:42 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

You are right... I am at risk of having an affair. Believe it or not we have been to marriage counseling a few years ago. I didnt feel like he took it serious.
Just thinking about this today and looking at my kids thinking of what is to be, is making me physically ill. Talking about it actually helps allot. I know this may sund crazy but i feel sorry for him as if its not fair to him that i dont love him anymore. Not sure what i am going to do but i need to do something...soon
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

so thats it you just fell out of love with him?

but he's a great father and all around good guy?

somethings smells fishy.

whats really wrong?

are your expectations of marriage unreal? whats did your marriage counsler say?
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Old 04-03-2011, 10:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

LOL! no really nothing is "fishy". We are just 2 different people. We dont have much in commom anymore. He is a homebody, I am very social. He goes out with his friends I go out with mine. (when he does go out, rarely). No affairs, we take care of out kids, pay our bills, just came back from vacation. If i was a single women, I wouldnt date him, hes no longer my type. Cant people just fall out of love? Does that make me a bad person?
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Old 04-03-2011, 11:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

Lady in Tx~ You are not going to want to hear this, but I think you may be taking your marriage, and a "good man" for granted. I just separated because a "good man" HA was having affairs, lying about everything, hiding money, etc. I am SO sad, and am grieving losing our marriage and "family," but most of all I am grieving what I never had. It was not all bad, but there are so many areas that he was weak in, and those weaknesses caused our family BIG problems and heartache. Maybe you need to understand how lucky you are, and appreciate him for who he is. My husband and I went out the other night (we are separated) and I told him that since we did not have a lot of common interests, that had we stayed together it would have been a great idea for us to learn something fun TOGETHER, that neither had ever done before and THEN, we would have some fun things in common. I just think you may think "the grass is greener," but honey, I sadly think you are going to find out that your grass was green enough! Hope it's ok that I was brutally honest. Good luck with whatever decision you make
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Old 04-04-2011, 12:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

I completely understand how you feel. I too have been married 15 years and a few years ago I had the same feelings you have. The good news it that it is possible and highly probable with a little effort from you, to make your marriage happy again. I stayed for the kids. I come from a divorced family and I just couldn't do it to my kids. I also couldn't continue to live in a miserable situation. My husband was ready to call it quits. I made the decision that I was going to be happy. Happiness really is a choice. We are now happier than we've ever been. I can give you 3 things you can focus on right now to move in the right direction.

1. Commit to the marriage. Quit thinking divorce is even an option. What you think about you bring about. Make the commitment to yourself and then tell your husband you are commited to him and to being happy.

2. Only work on yourself. Don't try to change your husband or control anything he does. I decided that I was going to be happy even if my husband never changed. I would learn to be happy with him no matter what. I know that sounds crazy but once you make the decision it gets easier. Fill your mind with positve thoughts. Find books that fill you with positive thoughts. Listen to uplifting music, only speak positive things. Once again, what you think about and talk about, you bring about.

3. Pray. I don't know if you're a christian or not. I wasn't. One day our marriage counselor told me she had nothing left to offer us but prayer. Talk about feeling like there was no hope! We prayed and I kept praying thinking it was all I had. Everytime I had a negative thought I prayed. Everytime my husband acted like a jerk I prayed. He answered every prayer.

If you can concentrate on those few things for the next 3 weeks I guarantee you will see an improvement in your marriage. I will pray for you.

As a product of divorced parents, I can tell you that you owe it to your children to make it work. Divorce does effect kids more than you'll ever know.
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Old 04-04-2011, 06:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

It's recommended that a couple spend at least 15 hours a week together ASIDE from doing family stuff.

Are you doing that? If not, how COULD you stay in love with him? You don't treat each other as romantic partners any more, just parents.

Before you do anything about ending your marriage, you owe it to both of you to try to fix it first.

Find a babysitter, and start going out once a week. Find new restaurants and try them out. Go to a play. Go on a picnic. Try a new sport together. You have to renew your life together as a romantic couple.

Also, you have to be honest with each other about your Love Busters and Emotional Needs. Read the book His Needs Her Needs and discuss it with him. Then look for the LB and EN questionnaires at marriagebuilders.com.

Doing all this will go a LONG way toward helping you find what's loveable in him. And vice versa. I'm pretty sure that, since you've stopped having SF with him, he's pretty unhappy with you, too.
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Honestly I feel like i try to spend time with him, but he doesnt really like the same things. I do allot of volunteer work, church, card games with friends, happy hour, bowling. Hes invited but never wants to go. But let his friend call, hes outta here. His memory seems to fail him when i mention that. BUt we do some things together just not allot of things. Although we both have good jobs, not hurting for money. I have noticed that if he feels he will have to pay for it, hes not interested. (EL CHEAPO)

I think I am tooo far gone to save this now. My emotions arent even there anymore and i find myself resentful. I fell like I have wasted quite a bit of time with him.

I appreciate the advice from everyone and all will be taken into consideration. I just wish yall could spend a week with him to really see what im going through
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

I frequently come across on this forum as a hard-a$$. However, you are being sincere in your concerns, and you are not here looking for attention or grandstanding.

I'm reading what a woman feels who needs to get a grip on falling out of love, and living with someone who has little in common with her.

Tell me, what attracted you to him when you first fell in love? What activities did you share when you were dating?

Sure people grow apart and change, but let's not throw the baby out with the bath water yet.

Yes, you do have problems, but how about looking at the real deal-breakers in a marriage. I think you might have something worth salvaging here.

BTW, how old were both of you when you married? How old are you now?
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Old 04-04-2011, 09:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

A good question to ask is how would your life be if he weren't with you?

Have you spoken to him and told him how you feel sincerely? I know you mentioned a possible separation that he agreed to. Do you wish he were willing to fight the good fight but feel he is content to just go along with whatever while you long for a passionate relationship?

Perhaps you need for him to want to fight for you. The only way back in is to approach him after recognizing that you're willing to leave if he won't fight for your relationship with you.
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Old 04-05-2011, 12:33 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady in TX View Post
Honestly I feel like i try to spend time with him, but he doesnt really like the same things. I do allot of volunteer work, church, card games with friends, happy hour, bowling. Hes invited but never wants to go. But let his friend call, hes outta here.
So...why does HE have to do what YOU like?

It seems to me like you're just looking for an excuse to dump your husband because you expect him to PAY for you to have a new life (kids and all) on HIS dime.
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Old 04-06-2011, 03:32 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am miserable

Quote:
Originally Posted by Happilymarriedwife View Post
I completely understand how you feel. I too have been married 15 years and a few years ago I had the same feelings you have. The good news it that it is possible and highly probable with a little effort from you, to make your marriage happy again. I stayed for the kids. I come from a divorced family and I just couldn't do it to my kids. I also couldn't continue to live in a miserable situation. My husband was ready to call it quits. I made the decision that I was going to be happy. Happiness really is a choice. We are now happier than we've ever been. I can give you 3 things you can focus on right now to move in the right direction.

1. Commit to the marriage. Quit thinking divorce is even an option. What you think about you bring about. Make the commitment to yourself and then tell your husband you are commited to him and to being happy.

2. Only work on yourself. Don't try to change your husband or control anything he does. I decided that I was going to be happy even if my husband never changed. I would learn to be happy with him no matter what. I know that sounds crazy but once you make the decision it gets easier. Fill your mind with positve thoughts. Find books that fill you with positive thoughts. Listen to uplifting music, only speak positive things. Once again, what you think about and talk about, you bring about.

3. Pray. I don't know if you're a christian or not. I wasn't. One day our marriage counselor told me she had nothing left to offer us but prayer. Talk about feeling like there was no hope! We prayed and I kept praying thinking it was all I had. Everytime I had a negative thought I prayed. Everytime my husband acted like a jerk I prayed. He answered every prayer.

If you can concentrate on those few things for the next 3 weeks I guarantee you will see an improvement in your marriage. I will pray for you.

As a product of divorced parents, I can tell you that you owe it to your children to make it work. Divorce does effect kids more than you'll ever know.

Very good advice. Also try marriage counceling. You will regreat if you will loose him. You may find a guy youa re attracted to but may be he is not a good a father which will result very bad step father. May be he will cheat on you.

Stay with your husband and work on your marriage. discuss with him how his attitude of not doing things together with you kills your attraction to him. Be honest to each other and date together again by doing things you both like.
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