why, during separation, do you (with your estranged husband)...
1) still go out with us
2) invite us to go places with you
3) encourage us when hope is lost
4) make dinner for us
5) delay filing for divorce
all of this leaves hope on the table. we're trying like hell to be your knight. when we are, and all this stuff just lays there, we hold our breath thinking "maybe there's a chance.
thank you
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
hmmm... never been in that situation but I can guess?
1. feeling guilty for dumping you, so trying to let you down easy (cowards way out)
2. feeling that they want to forgive you but are waiting for you to do.... ?? (ask them what they are waiting for or need from you to feel back in love with you)
i've considered both ideas, she's no coward, but i don't think she's waiting for any change, i think she thinks this is the right thing to do. i just don't want a divorce and haven't seen any filings.
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
more than anything else, i'm looking for ideas to work with a woman who would leave the two doors open like this for me. i feel like she's still holding out hope, as brutal as her words might have been, because in therapy yesterday, she acknoledged that i felt our 20 years together was worth a valient effort to save us.
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
To ease your anxiety here's my opinion. The uncertainty of your situation can be torture. So to eliminate the torture you have to focus on what is in your control. Focus on what you do know. You do know what you want and the situation as it stands today. You know you want to be with her more then anything in the world. And you know today you are married. Tomorrow might be another story, true, but you have no control over tomorrow, only today. Act in accordance with what you want and know today.
I think there's probably also a level of anxiety for you because you feel you never know if what you are doing is the 'right' things for her. Since the separation came as such a shock to you there is some trauma in that for you. I think you guess at her reaction and behavior because you feel so utterly clueless and feel that at any moment she will just cut you off. If this is the case, then i think you ought be careful. After becoming hyper-vigilant in trying to guess and cage her moods and moderate your behavior to please her, you will also become extremely worn out. there has to be a balance between meeting the needs of another, and also being content with one's own effort no matter the outcome.
ljtseng-
i've been so outcome based my whole life. sales (units), radio (ratings), hockey(goals against avg), it's always been about results for me. effort , i just want to everything i can; to sell the next car; get the extra rating point; stop one extra goal per game. effort always equaled outcome. so when your in my situation, you throw the kitchen sink at it. that's the overboard over-the-top attitude you see or feel from me. i'm working on it conciously, i promise. i've just never done things that way.
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
"And you know today you are married. Tomorrow might be another story"
Well said, ljtseng!!
I was separated twice from my husand, so I CAN tell you what I was thinking!
(And I did tell him what I wanted, too)
1) I still kept seeing him, and making dinner for him and such, because I didn't want him to get too lonely and despondent to TRY to make things work.
2) I laid it out on the line that the separation was for him to have TIME to think about the situation, and make the changes he needed to. (Stop drinking heavily, and stop gambling, start treating me more respectfully). His answer was: "Fine! It;s stopped! You can come back home now!"
I told him no, that I wanted TIME, to see that the changes would last...Because the first time I did come back after only one week, and the drinking started up again after 4 days.
So this time I said I wanted him to get those changes ingrained in him...
All the while I did encourage him to visit, have "family time" with our daughter, etc etc.
too long a history of alcohol abuse. led indirectly to stroke in january. sober thru 6 month hospital stay/stroke rehab relapsed (one beer after mowing the lawn..i had a stroke, baaad one almost killed/crippled me, mowe my lawn 5 months later. hot day, snuck a beer, wife flipped) sober now for 131 days. anyway, the beer made her go off, now other hostilities/issues have surfaced. all lewgitimate, i admit..
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Basically the volcano has been building and it finally "blew"
Well I would make sure all alchohol is removed from your house, I mean ALL. Tell her no more ever in the house, if she finds any to DUMP it. make your house a "dry house"
I would shower her with gifts, get counselin (sounds like you already are) Get couple counselling.
If I were you i would get her flowers, candy, take her out for dinner once a week. Start dating over.
You have ALLOT to PROVE to here, 20 years of damage is hard to erase quickly and I can understand why she is shaky.
She needs time and you CAN NOT afford another relapse.
Switch to water, trust I love my beer and I can only imagine what you are going through mentally and physically.
If I were you I would recommend, joining a gym, working out 3-5 days a week, a minimum of 1 month, force yourself to go, I noticed when people get passed the "three week mark" they want to continue to go, you get an adreneline rush from it and your body will start craving the gym "working out" transfer that "need" to the gym as opposed to Alchohol. It works.
If you have no idea where to start, most gyms have trainers or get a good "program" book. I have followed the book "New Rules of Lifting" and has worked wonders for me and I love to go to our gym now, before, not so much.
Now do not have your wife join, just do it yourself, if she wishes to join later on, tell her you would like that and encourage her then. If she asks why are you joining the gym, Say, For you honey, and for myself, I need to change my life to keep you and to save my own life.
If gym is to much, Try walking around town and maybe jogging, or Biking, Some sort of Exercise 3-5 times a week. Now don't go mr. Olympian, do 30-45 mins a day work your way up from 1 mile, to 2, miles, etc. Sign up of r a race a few months down the line and work towars that, saw a 5K race, set a goal and Achieve it.
These simple things will help with your marriage and healing the pain that has caused you and your wife. Marriage counseling is a must, talking and showing your wife you care is a must.
Having suffered a stroke, you have some risk factors for exercise. Check with your dr. before starting an exercise program. If he/she gives the okay, it's an excellent idea. The endorphins released through exercise could help in replacing the void left from other addictions.
I know it only seemed like "one beer" to you, but to her it's representative of the bigger picture. I can't say I wouldn't have "flipped out" either. She almost lost you. She doesn't want to face that again. She's trying to protect herself-- which explains the behavior you see as wishy-washy.
GASoccerman's right, you have to prove yourself here. While I strongly commend you on 131 of sobriety ( very strongly! ) it's still shaky ground. Trust is something that takes a LONG time to rebuild (yet it can be blown to smithereens in an instant!).
I completely get where you're coming from on relinquishing control. I'm type A too. However, the more you try to control this situation, ie. her emotions, the more control you lose.
mommy,
i agree with MT 100%, in fact i've lost almost 100 lbs since the stroke. some has been due to no alcohol, some has been due the the physical therapy, my doc says i'll be running before we're done rehabbing, right now i can but it looks mighty silly. lack of muscle coordination. i limp still, but not bad.
me beth and the kids are going to a historical site this weekend, it requires a pretty good hike in the hills, that's about my speed now.
the sobriety i have no problem with, not to be overconfident, but zero cravings and no triggers so far (fingers crossed). physically, no addiction feelings.
she is trying to protect herself, i agree, but she seems to be worried about her self-respect. if i could reach a point with her where she could accept me back without dinging her self-respect, i'd have something. hmmm...
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Basically the volcano has been building and it finally "blew"
Well I would make sure all alchohol is removed from your house, I mean ALL. Tell her no more ever in the house, if she finds any to DUMP it. make your house a "dry house"
I would shower her with gifts, get counselin (sounds like you already are) Get couple counselling.
If I were you i would get her flowers, candy, take her out for dinner once a week. Start dating over.
You have ALLOT to PROVE to here, 20 years of damage is hard to erase quickly and I can understand why she is shaky.
She needs time and you CAN NOT afford another relapse.
Switch to water, trust I love my beer and I can only imagine what you are going through mentally and physically.
If I were you I would recommend, joining a gym, working out 3-5 days a week, a minimum of 1 month, force yourself to go, I noticed when people get passed the "three week mark" they want to continue to go, you get an adreneline rush from it and your body will start craving the gym "working out" transfer that "need" to the gym as opposed to Alchohol. It works.
If you have no idea where to start, most gyms have trainers or get a good "program" book. I have followed the book "New Rules of Lifting" and has worked wonders for me and I love to go to our gym now, before, not so much.
Now do not have your wife join, just do it yourself, if she wishes to join later on, tell her you would like that and encourage her then. If she asks why are you joining the gym, Say, For you honey, and for myself, I need to change my life to keep you and to save my own life.
If gym is to much, Try walking around town and maybe jogging, or Biking, Some sort of Exercise 3-5 times a week. Now don't go mr. Olympian, do 30-45 mins a day work your way up from 1 mile, to 2, miles, etc. Sign up of r a race a few months down the line and work towars that, saw a 5K race, set a goal and Achieve it.
These simple things will help with your marriage and healing the pain that has caused you and your wife. Marriage counseling is a must, talking and showing your wife you care is a must.
You made a mistake, now fix it.
Best of luck and keep me informed of your progess
I cringe when I read your advice. Please go to the divorce and seperation threads to read his story.
He is starting to understand that he needs to get away from the "fix it" mentality and the buy flowers etc.mentality. that kind of generic advice doesnt apply to him.
ladies, why...???
