I have been reading a lot of books, they are all related to life.
Many books mention one important thing that we have to do: Don't live in the past!
Don't keep on thinking about the past, don't keep on thinking what I had and what I didn't have in the past. There is nothing we can do about our past. We can't go back and live again.
Focus on our present, make sure our present is happy and organized. Now you have a loving husband, you are out of your mother's control, make sure your life with your husband is happy. Other things, just don't think about it! The more negative things you think about, the more happiness it takes away from you!
How do you stop thinking about negative things in life? KEEP BUSY!
When we have too much free time, we tend to sit there and sink into our past, and then let our past hurt us again. Keep ourselves busy. Do things in the house, think of new ideas to make you and your husband happy, listen to music, read a good book, these are all good things to do to keep your occupied.
And don't waste money on unnecessary things, a second wedding is just wasting money, I hope you are not serious about this idea. Your happiness doesn't need a second wedding, your happiness needs a loving husband. Sometimes we don't have anything to show the world, but we are truly happy! Happiness is intangible, people can't see, but do we care? Showy stuff can attract other people's eyes, but they also cost you a lot of money.
Green, there will not be a second wedding. I thought you knew that.
Thanks for your "keeping busy" suggestion. I don't appreciate being told that I "have too much free time." You know very little about what I do during the day.I don't discuss this issue with Mr.G anymore.
I believe that tangibles contribute to happiness as well-finances wouldn't be a leading cause of divorce, if money meant nothing. I suppose we have different expectations. If my husband refused to have a car, I wouldn't have dated him in the first place. I stayed with Mr.G when he was out of work, so I am not completely consumed by materialism. Posted via Mobile Device
Green, there will not be a second wedding. I thought you knew that.
Thanks for your "keeping busy" suggestion. I don't appreciate being told that I "have too much free time." You know very little about what I do during the day.I don't discuss this issue with Mr.G anymore.
I believe that tangibles contribute to happiness as well-finances wouldn't be a leading cause of divorce, if money meant nothing. I suppose we have different expectations. If my husband refused to have a car, I wouldn't have dated him in the first place. I stayed with Mr.G when he was out of work, so I am not completely consumed by materialism. Posted via Mobile Device
I knew that!
A car is a necessity in Canada, I have been there, my husband's family can't go anywhere if they don't have a car.
But a car here is not a necessity, we live in the city, the public transportation is good, our work is only ten or fifteen minutes away, it is really not that necessary for us to have a car. We don't know what to do with a car. And you don't know how crowded Taiwan is, people can't go anywhere with cars. They are stuck in traffic jams. Gas is so expensive now, I am just happy that we are away from this kind of drama!
By the way, all of us have a lot of time. After work and chores, we still have a lot of time, product of this modern society! How can we make our time more pleasant? That's a trick!
I make it more pleasant by sharing time with my husband and with my friends. I take a lot of pleasure in being an aunt-I love talking to my nieces on the phone and sending gifts. I focus on all the things Mr.G and I plan on doing-trips, moving and all the hot sex!
I admit that I struggle with being a pessimist. Being married has helped me with that. He is a realist.
My life could be a hell of a lot worse! Mr.G is a loving and kind man. He is a true champion of our happiness. He has taught me so much about what love is supposed to be like. I had very warped ideas from what I had experienced before.
A car is only a necessity in the suburbs or the country in Ontario. We live in a large city where public transit is frequent and reliable. Posted via Mobile Device
Green, there will not be a second wedding. I thought you knew that.
Thanks for your "keeping busy" suggestion. I don't appreciate being told that I "have too much free time." You know very little about what I do during the day.I don't discuss this issue with Mr.G anymore.
Whew! Where do I start? With the abusive childhood? The nonstop defensiveness? The defending the husband who you initially griped about?
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I stayed with Mr.G when he was out of work, so I am not completely consumed by materialism.
Fine with me. What did he stay with YOU through?
When did you tell him you really really really wanted a real wedding?
Did you?
Does he even know? Are you honest with him? I'm going to guess not, based on your childhood. You protect yourself. You control the amount of information you give him about you. Because, that way, he can never use it against you. Like your family did.
What you said...
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I settled for a small cheap elopement, because we had no money for a real wedding. My parents were offering pay, on the condition that my mother plan everything. I did not like the idea of having a huge wedding I didn't want, so I couldn't accept that offer. We wanted a small affair of between 30-80 people. My extended family, along with my immediate family, constantly needled us because it was too small. We were expected to have 170 guests with a bridal party of four on each side. My mother even wanted to choose who would be in my wedding. Of all the f***ing nerve!
In any case, all we could afford was a ceremony outside, with four guests. It was beautiful, but it wasn't enough. We had already been engaged for two years and we just wanted to get married.
My family no longer speaks to me because my mother told them that they could not.
Mother can burn in hell, but I miss my dad and my nieces. I also feel robbed of the experience of a real wedding. Every time I see a bride coming out of a church with her bridesmaids, I weep. I never had a bridal shower or a bachelorette party either. We just couldn't afford it. All I want is to get over my sadness. My husband feels guilty and he promises that we will have a large 5th anniversary party. Who says we'll even make it to that?? A lot can happen in five years and I refuse to believe in happily ever after. Life is not a fairy tale and marriage is hard.
Any suggestions? No belittling posts, please.
Here's what I see. A nice woman who has survived an abusive childhood by learning to protect herself, show herself invulnerable, deny her feelings even to her supposed best friend in the world (her husband), given up her family to get away from her crazy abusive mother, and thrown up such an extremely high wall to protect herself from anonymous advice-givers, that she isnt' even sure of who she is or what she's willing to fight for.
Therapy would be a good alternative at this point. (for everyone all around)
i can understand your feelings of longing for famiy...my family is my mom, no one else..
my husband family is large and crazy and backstabby. his mother is the worst, she guilts and uses her anger to make you do what she wants...
when she found out i was having triplet girls..we hid it from her for a whie, so she found out when she saw the pics of my ultrasound, as she looked at them, she turned away from me on the couch, we were at her house, and didnt speak to us for almost 2 years..
she wants u all to do what she wants and to give in to her every whim....i refuse to be emotionaly blackmailed.
if she has a attitude, than i will get off the phone with her, or leave her house. she flat out refuses to visit us at our house, when the girs were small, our car broke down, she wanted me to take 3 babies in car seats on 2 buses there and back, she said she would not drive us back home...
i said im not doing that, sorry..we will have a car soon, then we will visit...that started another 6 months of silence from her, only broken by somebodys death.
i dont like her, and i dont need her drama in my life. she treats her kids like adults...they are under 10 and one is 15..we dont agree on parenting or being a wife...
and she does tell her older son [he is 25?] not to talk to us, and i think she blackmails him with money or lack there of to not talk to us...
sometimes, you just accept folks for who they are, and let them live there life how they want to.
you have a new family, adopt or be a foster mom, help out at a local shelter...do something else to help others in their lives, start new traditions with your new family.
you want your mom to be a certain way just like she wants you to be a certain way...you either have to go and make peace with her or cut it all off and live how you want.
it will be hard to make peace with her, because moms can push those buttons...but if you dont feed into her drama and really be ok with her being the best her she can be...
you dont live with her, you have a wonderful husband who loves you for you...that is worth everything...i think your mom is secretly happy for you, but she is angry at her life.
she dosent know any other way of expressing herself than anger. you just have to let it roll off your sholders..water off a ducks back...shake it off, and my fav..rise above your raiseing.
Turnera, I am already in therapy. My gripe was NEVER about my husband, it was about not having the wedding.
Interestingly, my therapist often comments on how open my husband and I are with each other.
Walls will be put up against people who insult me or make negative and unfounded comments about my marriage or my husband!
Perhaps you may want to look at where the hostility comes from. Implying that my husband doesn't care about me or that I don't know who I am is uncalled for.
My childhood has nothing to do with refusing to allow you to put me or my husband down. I don't owe you any explanations, nor do I think you are important enough to prove things to.
One of the first things you will learn about relating to others is nobody appreciates aggression. Posted via Mobile Device
I settled for a small cheap elopement, because we had no money for a real wedding.What is a 'real' wedding? Seriously, you got married didn't you? That is a 'real
wedding. Personally I find the amount of money some couples spend on weddings now days ridiculousness, it's all for show to impress people and not about how much they love each other My parents were offering pay, on the condition that my mother plan everything. So your mother has control issues, my parents helped pay for my wedding, but it was all my choice, they wanted me to be happy.When it was my daughter's turn to get married I helped her plan but it was her choice about everything in the end. You know what is really sad? Planning a wedding with your daughter can be a very special experience for both the mother and daughter. Your mother didn't only take away your wedding, she took away something from her self also and she doesn't even know it. When you spend so much effort trying to control other people you make yourself just as unhappy as you do the other people, I am convinced of this. In a way you should feel sorry for your mother, because unless she makes some serious changes she will never know what it is like to be truly loved by her own children. I did not like the idea of having a huge wedding I didn't want, so I couldn't accept that offer. Good for you for standing up for yourself
We wanted a small affair of between 30-80 people. My extended family, along with my immediate family, constantly needled us because it was too small.Is you family really materialistic and 'show offs'? We were expected to have 170 guests with a bridal party of four on each side. My mother even wanted to choose who would be in my wedding. Of all the f***ing nerve!Ugh, control issues again, wasn't this suppose to be YOUR wedding?
In any case, all we could afford was a ceremony outside, with four guests. It was beautiful, but it wasn't enough. We had already been engaged for two years and we just wanted to get married.And that is what counts in the end, that you are together, personally I like outdoor weddings
My family no longer speaks to me because my mother told them that they could not.Wow, your mother has them firmly under her control doesn't she? But you can't blame all of that one on your mother, the family made their choice to do as their mother said. That was their choice and is on them
Mother can burn in hell, but I miss my dad and my nieces.
I also feel robbed of the experience of a real wedding. Every time I see a bride coming out of a church with her bridesmaids, I weep. I never had a bridal shower or a bachelorette party either. We just couldn't afford it. Actually bridal showers and bachelorette party's are suppose to be hosted and planned by friends of the bride, so you really can't blame that on your mother.
All I want is to get over my sadness. My husband feels guilty and he promises that we will have a large 5th anniversary party. Who says we'll even make it to that?? A lot can happen in five years and I refuse to believe in happily ever after. Life is not a fairy tale and marriage is hard.
Any suggestions? No belittling posts, please. Posted via Mobile Device
Your mother is some piece of work, but I agree with another poster that maybe this isn't so much about the lack of a big wedding as it is about you mother's controlling ways. Maybe you should work on your issues with you mother. If you are not already (sorry I haven't read all the posts here yet) Have you been to counseling? Your mother sounds very toxic, is she still a big part of your life? Because I'm thinking it might be better for you in the long run if she wasn't. Does your husband know how you feel about the wedding? Maybe something can still be done about it.
I refuse to discuss this issue with you any longer, Turnera. In the future, kindly refrain from approaching users with nasty comments. You will find that people will be more willing to engage you in conversation.
For no reason, you have insinuated that my husband doesn't care about me and gets everything his way. You also responded angrily to my reasonable request to be polite. I have no interest in communicating with you, because you are abrasive.
Marriage DOESN'T WORK if every issue becomes a power struggle. Partners have to compromise and not allow resentment to build just because they don't get their way all the time.
I posted my problem because I missed out on having a wedding-full stop. The helpful responses and talking to my therapist aided me in seeing a different perspective. This doesn't seem okay with you, but your opinion means nothing to me because it's coming from an an angry and bullying place.
You tend to misread what I write. We could not afford a larger wedding the first time. It had NOTHING to do with Mr.G not wanting it! He did not want a second one, Turnera.
TAM is a very supportive and caring community. Thank you to those who read my post properly and did not post rambling, made up nonsense about my marriage. Your responses were much appreciated! Posted via Mobile Device
Turnera, nobody ever gets married thinking that they will divorce. It happens all the time, though. Nothing is ever certain, not even marriage. The point I made is that "happily ever after" doesn't exist.
It just takes one to disprove a doesn't exist. My parents lived happily ever after until death did them part. My in-laws are living it. You can tell me I can't really know, but you are wrong. We are living it.
Most people think it is all about twoo nub. It takes SKILL and education. But it can be done and definitely exists.
Sisters, you may be on to something. I only chuck advice if it is given in a disrespectful manner.
I agree that I am bitter; don't understand why she insists on being so difficult. I don't want to end up 40 years old and still pissed off.
It's not my husband's fault that my parents are childish and controlling. He does what he can for us.
When we discuss this, I make sure not to blame him for not being able to give me a wedding, like other husband's I know. I just tell him how I feel.
Posted via Mobile Device
Traditionally husbands don't give their wives weddings. Traditionally parents might, but as you witnessed, that often comes with strings that bind too tight.
I think from this reply and your OP that you made a decision that perhaps you are not happy with. Life does not always offer us perfect choices. You could have chosen to wait and save for a bigger wedding, but then you have to wait to be married. You could have chosen to accept your parents' wedding, but then you get a wedding that MOM wants.
This is what my husband calls an opportunity for personal growth. Accept that your choice did not offer all that you had hoped for and move on.
That said, there is nothing saying you cannot throw yourself a reception/party any old time you feel like it and celebrate your union in whatever way feels right to you.
Re: How to get over wedding? Want to move on. 
We were expected to have 170 guests with a bridal party of four on each side. My mother even wanted to choose who would be in my wedding. Of all the f***ing nerve!Ugh, control issues again, wasn't this suppose to be YOUR wedding?
