Unappreciated
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

The Ladies' Lounge Sharing and support.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-22-2011, 04:26 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 12
Default Unappreciated

I work as a waitress 2-3 nights p/wk, go to school 4 nights, and work for a friends business when I can (maybe once p/wk). He works 5-6 days p/wk. I get our daughter in the day and he gets nights.
He doesn't clean up after himself at all... I do laundry, dishes, cooking, grocery shopping, i even changed my own flat tire this week! But he complains if the house is messy (w/ a 21 mo.old), or if the fridge "looks" empty, he doesn't have any clean workshirts, or if I dont cook dinner or make him lunch.
He's never arranged a babysitter, even though I have three times a week for the last year and a half. Our schedules overlap a couple hours in the afternoon. He has a beer with the boys after work when im not at work or school. The weekends are spent together usually hanging out as a family or with our friends. Our money is seperate and we half the bills. The house nessacities are a different matter. Name it... toilet paper toothpaste and cleaning supplies. Whats in the house, I bought. All though its me mostly, he does buy diapers and wipes sometimes. I make my own car payments, he drives my old truck. I have a hard time paying for my half the bills sometimes and he lectures me about how I need to handle my money better. I can't find the time to work more until she starts daycare which I have to pay for myself. I feel like it would be easier single. Taking care of one less person. But I am commited to my husband. Just cant figure out how to get him to contribute more and not discount what I do.
abbykat is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-22-2011, 04:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,312
Default Re: Unappreciated

Well that sounds ridiculous. You should be putting your money together, paying for everything, ll bills, fuel, food, and your daughters needs including daycare and then splitting what is left after savings, if he feels the need to have some seperate money.

I think you need to get some locks and get someone in to put padlocks on the pantry and a fridge and when contributes he can eat, if not then he goes without.

You also need to not do anything for him, get a dish bucket for each of you and halve the dishes (put locks on your dish cupboard too) and just use your dishes, and then wash them and put them straight back in your dish cupboard. Same with washing, if he runs our of clothes and washing powder he will have to start paying for it and doing his own washing.

Also bill him for half of all other things, like your childs needs. If he thinks it's ridiculous and gets mad, put your foot down and say that you refuse to be a doormat and allow him to treat you that way, that he needs to act like a man and support his family, and do his fair share around the house.
Syrum is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2011, 08:26 AM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Red Riding Hood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 15
Default Re: Unappreciated

Wow! I like Syrum's comment - if you're already having most things split down the middle, you might as well as go all the way.

BUT, it doesn't seem like much of a marriage then - you're just acting like roommates. I would think if you go this route (or even if you don't), you need to seriously communicate this issue with your husband, and then make a decision as to whether you can continue to live like this if there's no compromise on his front. Good luck.

~ Red
Red Riding Hood is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2011, 11:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Blue Skye's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 26
Default Re: Unappreciated

He sounds like a pretty selfish husband. Does he know how you feel about this or even seem to care?
Blue Skye is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2011, 11:32 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 969
Default Re: Unappreciated

I'm not discounting the fact that your husband has his issues and that he isn't meeting your needs in the relationship. But what I've learned is that in most marriages, if one spouses need is going unmet, it is highly likely and probable that the other spouse has some needs that are going unmet. Example: if you don't get the affection you want, maybe he doesn't get the sex he wants. It's always 2 ways. The book His Needs, Her Needs really helped me understand this concept. I would highly recommend it for you.
Posted via Mobile Device
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2011, 11:52 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Jamison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 995
Default Re: Unappreciated

Sounds like you're pretty much doing it all, so why not go the extra step and present him with separation papers. You're not a wife, you're his mother. Unless you enjoy this, you might need to rethink things. Maybe separation papers will get his butt in gear? Who knows.
Jamison is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2011, 11:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
ladyybyrd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 194
Default Re: Unappreciated

Sounds like roommates to me.
__________________
I have realized over the years the only person you should ever rely on is yourself, everyone else will just let you down.
ladyybyrd is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-28-2011, 05:14 AM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 12
Default Re: Unappreciated

He does have valid complaints about me. I do procrastinate. Especially with my schoolwork. I went to the beach today before I finished my presentation, so when he called and said he was going to a friend's after work, I got upset cause I needed him to watch our daughter so I could finish, print it @ school (printers out of ink), and study for my test. He didn't want to give me a minute. He ended up coming home and waking her up from her nap to take her to our friend's. I finished everything and made it to class w/o a minute to spare. But he told my im lazy and shoulda spent all day on it instead of taking my daughter to the beach. But she needs to get out and me doing my work isnt giving her quality time she deserves. I have to stay up all night just to get anything done. Then he wonders why Im tired all day and take naps with her when I can. He does love me, this I know and I love him too, but how do I get him to work "with" me. Without having to fight about it first. I wish we could work out a plan, but thats just not like him. As far as the bills go, I need to get him to contribute when im lacking without making me feel like im incompetant or an incapable adult. What happened to the man I dated that said, a woman should never have to pay. Am I not a woman, just a wife and mom zombie?
abbykat is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-28-2011, 05:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 12
Default Re: Unappreciated

He thinks im lazy crazy and stupid. I think im tired, want some genuine help, and for the most part educated and intelligent
abbykat is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-28-2011, 08:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 675
Default Re: Unappreciated

Do less. It sounds so simple, but it's really hard for a lot of women to do. Just do less. Do the best that you can in each day and let that be enough. If he complains, just ignore him.

What I've learned in my marriage is the more I take care of myself, the more my husband takes care of me. However, when I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to do everything he rarely notices all of the things I'm doing for the family.

Do more things for yourself and pat yourself on the back for the things you do. Take care of yourself the way you'd want him to take care of you.
themrs is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-28-2011, 09:06 AM   #11 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 2,737
Default Re: Unappreciated

In addition to what themrs says, read up on setting boundaries in marriage.
Mom6547 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-28-2011, 09:09 AM   #12 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,573
Default Re: Unappreciated

He's treating you like a roommate so act like it. Quit doing so much. I mean hey you are paying half and if he wants the house cleaned he can do it or he can do a chore chart. Hey 50/50 right? When he complains just ignore him. He's being rediculous.
magnoliagal is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-28-2011, 09:12 AM   #13 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 853
Default Re: Unappreciated

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyybyrd View Post
Sounds like roommates to me.
I don't agree with splitting expenses down the middle when you are married. In our marriage, because my husband makes A GREAT DEAL more than me, he has the brunt of the financial responsibility. It's only fair.

I could never again be with a man, that makes me pay my share all the time. Cheapness is a sign of being selfish.

You have created this dynamic by waiting on your husband hand and foot. If he wants the royal treatment, he needs to pay the bills. Why should you pay half like an equal, yet get treated like less? If he doesn't want to pay the bills, he needs to help out more. Have a talk with your husband about his expectations for marriage.
Mrs.G is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-28-2011, 09:40 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 969
Default Re: Unappreciated

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs.G View Post
I don't agree with splitting expenses down the middle when you are married. In our marriage, because my husband makes A GREAT DEAL more than me, he has the brunt of the financial responsibility. It's only fair.
I couldn't agree more with this. If you make 30% less than your husband, why would you want to pay an equal share of the expenses. It just doesn't make sense. Personally, I believe that if you're married, why should you keep the finances separate. As my pastor once told me, don't you both "pee in the same pot?"...
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-28-2011, 09:55 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: SE Wisconsin
Posts: 2,457
Default Re: Unappreciated

Chances are very good that if you just stop doing your share, things will go to h*ll and make your life even more miserable.

Print out your post and hand it to him--and underline the part about "it would be easier alone, one less person to take care of." Tell him this is how you feel and although it was a "vent," you need him to understand that right now, single is looking pretty good.

And think about it: You would have extra time on your own b/c he would want to have his daughter some of the time, totally freeing you up a couple days (or evenings) a week.

Before you give it to him, make an appointment with a marriage counselor and let him know, as you present him with your "vent," that you have already taken that step. He will, hopefully, understand that this is critically important to the future of your relationship.

FYI, you can live inexpensively and more neatly/comfortably with a good roommate--another single mom, for example. Do not feel trapped. It takes time to find the right person to share with, but it can be done. Knowing you have options will give you the confidence that HE needs to see. Otherwise he may not take you seriously. Good luck.
sisters359 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Unappreciated by my wife - considering leaving, but staying together for my daughter unappreciated71 Considering Divorce or Separation 6 10-12-2012 05:00 PM
feeling unappreciated luckeydime The Ladies' Lounge 3 04-23-2009 03:54 PM
Always wrong... Unappreciated STLCPL The Men's Clubhouse 1 04-13-2009 01:12 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:04 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.