I think my husband is emotionally abusive
Hi, new to the site but really need some unbiased perspective.
I was married last June to a man I thought was my love, my best friend and my number one supporter. We had been dating for 4 years and living together for around 3 at the time we got married, and even though we'd had fights, they were few and far between so I never really thought of them as problematic.
Cut to now. My husband lost his job in November 2010. He has been looking for employment but hasn't found anything yet and is very depressed. I have been unemployed myself before and can definitely understand this. What I can't understand is how he treats me.
There have been episodes before where he has gotten mad at me over some perceived slight or indiscretion and even though he's always caught me off-guard with these outbursts, I've always been able to handle it. He never takes responsibility, however; I'm always the one who has to apologize even if I haven't done whatever he accuses me of, but I've accepted it as a crappy part of his personality because, God knows, I have my own.
As I was saying ... cut to now. Since November I have been working full-time--I have always worked full-time--while he looks for jobs. During this time we haven't been able to make ends meet, and I've had to turn to my parents for support. Long story short, they're giving us his lost income. Without them we would not be able to keep up with our bills (which my parents and I are paying, along with some of his personal bills). My husband is 13 years older than me and his parents are on a fixed income so I understand that they aren't in a position to help, and I do know they send money to him when they can.
What is upsetting is during this time he has become increasingly irrational and prone to picking fights. For example, two weekends ago I was asleep and he woke me up shouting. I have never password-protected my phone because I trust (trusted?) him, and he started going through it and reading my text messages, including one from several months ago to my friend in which I was venting about our current situation. He was so pissed he said he wanted a divorce. He was talking about moving in with his brother and sister-in-law and all kinds of things. He didn't leave, but we didn't speak for two days. We stayed in separate areas of the house until he exclaimed I should let him know if I intended to keep it up because, as he put it, he refused to "live like that."
I told him I wasn't planning on living like that, that it had only been two days and he hadn't spoken to me, and asked him what he expected me to do. He again began screaming about never being able to trust me again because I'd talked about him; I said I was sorry, and that it was wrong, but that I was just venting. I also told him I was having trouble trusting him since he had gone through my phone and read my private texts.
We got through that--without him apologizing--and everything seemed OK until tonight, when we were going to get dinner and I told him I needed to run a couple errands first--I didn't want to tell him I needed to call my mom about our finances--and said I'd be back. I was gone probably 20 minutes. We had planned a night at home, but after he let me have it about my "suspicious" trip before we went to the grocery store, he refused to speak to me on the way home, during dinner, and when I put on the movie and poured myself a glass of wine afterward, he vacillated between silently going online on his phone and sleeping. Then he randomly got up and left the room as if he were going to the bathroom, but after 30 min. I went up to check on him. It was completely dark upstairs and I said, "Did you go to bed?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Why didn't you say goodnight?" And he answered, very shortly, "Goodnight."
Am I overreacting? I really feel like I'm kind of going crazy and maybe this is my fault, or I'm making mountains out of molehills. All this crap is giving me emotional whiplash and it's making me a nervous wreck who feels like she has to tiptoe around her own husband. Is this a normal rough patch or does it seem like something more? Basically, I just need feedback. Please help.