confusedwantingmore

Hello gals,
I could really use some advise. Before I found this site I posted to a different site and the lady's on there really let me have it. One said I was better off putting my kids in foster care than them living with me and their dad. I know that things in the home are not healthy between us and don't want that to effect my kids at all but I do think I am a good mother and both of us (me and their dad) have their best interest at heart. I don't agree with his way of parenting sometimes and I know I am not perfect myself (of course, raising kids is HARD stuff) but I didn't expect to be told that he was abusing me and scaring my children for staying with him. I really want to work this out so that we can be a family and I have invested a lot after 8 years together. He gave me an engagement ring two months ago. Kids are 4 and 5. He is a good man and has good intentions, I know that he loves me and I love him. I feel that people are easy to quit these days and don't want to give up when things get tough, BUT, I can't stay if I am harming my kids.
Please read my very long post and let me know what you think.
ps He also HATES my mom and wont let me have her over to our house if he is home. But he did make an effort to see my family over Christmas. My mom was spending the holidays away with her boyfriends family and so he went with me to my sisters house to spend Christmas with my sister and her husband. My brother and sister-in-law were also there. He left 4 days early and me and the kids got a ride back to town with my brother and his wife. (Sister lives in OR and I live in CA)
His even going at all was huge for us, he knows my family is very important to me and that was very much out of his comfort zone to stay with my family so I know he does care for me and what I want. (Just wanted to not be one sided and let you know that he has "tried" and his going showed me that.) I'm alright with him not liking my mom but he knows that not seeing my family at all would be a deal breaker for me. He got a lot of good points on that trip and made my sister realize that he is not as bad as she thought he was. (He was good with the kids, helped clear the table, dealt with all the family, ect)

Here is some back ground...
Mainly, it is a ton of little things, he is a slob, he forgets birthdays, doesn’t help our young children do anything for Mother’s day or Christmas, and puts his pet bird and hobbies before me and the kids. I didn’t want the bird and he got it anyway, which to me shows lack of respect, plus the bird is very loud and it gives me headaches which he seems to think I am either just making up or he just doesn’t care how I am effected by them. The bird is also really messy and he wont clean up after it, walking all throughout our house letting the bird sit on his shoulder and poop everywhere without cleaning it up after. Poop is everyplace I look and I don’t feel it is right to have young kids around bird feces. It is not sanitary and when I tell him this he says that this bird is a pet and has no diseases. He doesn’t care that the bird leaves poop on the floor where our kids play, on the bathroom counter, behind the toilet, even on our bed!
Also, he comes home and plays on the computer, or works on his hobbies, and never spends any quality time with me. When it is time to buy a gift for the kids or pay childcare bills I am constantly spending my money because he spends his money on things he wants for himself and his hobbies. Always putting himself first, before his family. We both pay half of rent; I pay for PG&E and all kid stuff. He pays for my cell phone, cable and internet (which I didn’t have or use when I didn’t live with him) he also buys food but he mostly buys junk food for himself not the healthy dinner food we need for the kids.
He half assess everything he does for me never attempts to be romantic or be appreciative of everything I do for him. He has made promises to be a better boyfriend and change, but in reality, he hasn’t really made an effort.
I noticed he has been being less and less affectionate and caring, we don’t kiss anymore or cuddle and it seems now he only is affectionate after we have been fighting. When we fight he always says really mean things and hits below the belt and then when he decides that he wants to stop fighting he is nice for a little while and then wants to have sex. We do still have a passionate sex life when he wants it, but it is always on his terms and not very often.
I have threatened to leave, fought with him about how I don’t feel he is being a partner and told him how I think we could work on our issues, many times, and it always ends with us saying I love you, and both of us apologizing for our fight but nothing ever changes. He swears he loves me, but his actions speak louder than his words. I love him with all my heart, but deep down, it feels like I am just being taken for granted.
He has done things so many times in the past that I am having a hard time forgiving and forgetting and I am starting to feel resentful. A few examples are: He bought a motorcycle a few days before our daughter was born (first child) and asked me to co-sign but the paperwork didn’t go through so he asked me to put the bike into my name and he promised he would take it out of my name fast and make all the payments on time. 5 years later he had stopped paying the repo guys couldn’t find the bike so the finance company threatened to garnish my wages, so I asked my boss for a personal loan of $1000 and his mom paid the other $2500 to pay off his bike. I couldn’t afford for 25% of my check to be taken for his bike and he wasn’t doing anything but make false promises he would take care of it. So his mom and I paid and he didn’t even say he was sorry for making me go through that and having to ask my boss. I have asked him many times when and how he plans to pay my boss back and he just wont answer me. All he has said is that he wants the title in his name or else it is mine to deal with and sell it on my own to pay her back, he knows it will be hard for me to sell because I can’t ride it or move it, and I don’t know the details like miles and maintenance schedule. But if I do let him put in his name I feel like I wont ever see that money again. He told our neighbor that he would ride it until the end of summer so I don’t think he has any intention to sell it. After all that happened with the bike the next day as I was leaving for work and saw that he had taken my daughters car seat out of my car, which is fine if he tells me about it before I need it. I had to turn around and go back home and when I asked him for the seat I yelled because I was mad about the bike and that he had made me late for work by taking the seat. He screamed the F word like 5 times at me and said how dare I talk to him with attitude and to get it myself out of his car. Well I don’t have a clicker to get into the garage or have his car key and I was already very late so I asked him to pick up our daughter because I don’t have the seat, he said no so I slammed the door and left. I guess when I slammed the door his RC airplane fell off the dresser and that made him really mad. After I got both kids from school and came home I saw a note on the bedroom door “broken glass= broken friendship”. Then I saw that he had smashed my Grandmothers lamp that was willed to me after her death. This lamp is the only thing I had of hers and I really loved it because it was hers. I understand that I should not have slammed the door but I didn’t damage his plane on purpose and he choose something he new I really loved to break just to hurt me. After I cleaned up the lamp pieces I started packing my stuff and got a storage unit to put my things until I could leave him so my stuff would be safe. Now things have cooled off and he did say sorry for the lamp and asked me not to leave but I am having a hard time forgiving him because I think he crossed the line with that one.
Before the last fight, about the bike and lamp, I helped him by doing his taxes for him and once the money came instead of paying back my boss he bought a new laptop computer. Showing me again that I am a fool for trusting him and his word. This is also not the only time he screwed me over, while I was home on maternity leave with my second child (me and the kids lived with my mom at the time) he took my car joy riding with him friend and totaled it, I had to pay the $1000 deductable and I was without a car for over a year, while I saved money for a replacement car, relying on my mother for transportation for myself to get to work and our two kids to get to daycare. Both times when I told him I was pregnant he left me because he didn’t want to have kids and both times he came back in my life just before the babies were born saying he wanted to be with me and be a family and I believed him. We have been on and off (off during both pregnancies and then back together but we didn’t live together after the kids were born until about 18 months ago)
Never gives me flowers, no cards, no romantic dinners, no help around the house, and little help with our kiddos. He sometimes watches them for short periods of time if I have a doctor apt or something but most of the time my mom helps me out with things like that, for the most part he wont help me out. Example: I had a garage sale of my things to raise money to buy my kids a new bunk bed; both were in toddler beds that were getting small for them. So I bought a used bunk bed and had my mother help me pick it up and carry it upstairs to our apartment. He sat at his computer while both women carried but the heavy metal bed frame. The next day I went to pick up two used twin mattresses and after picking up both our kids from school and carrying up the first mattress and box spring I asked him if I could leave the kids with him for about 30 minutes while I go to pick up the other mattress in my moms truck. He said no because he just got home from work and needed time for himself. What the hell? I just worked all day also, picked up two kids from school, and carried a mattress and box spring up stairs by myself! So I took the kids with me and had to take my car with the kids and car seats and have my mom follow me in the truck using more gas money with two cars all because he can’t watch his own kids for 30 minutes while I try to get them a bigger bed. It is not like I asked him to do me a special favor so I could to do something fun, this was for him to help me while I try to make a better home life for our kids. Then I carried the second mattress up by myself after I got back. I paid for it all and got it all home and up stairs by myself but he did help me set it up in the kid’s room the next day, witch was nice because I couldn’t do it myself.
I am not saying that all our problems are his fault I know that I have some blame as well but I feel like he doesn’t even try to see my point of view. I have forgiven him so many times and I feel like he won’t even try to understand how I feel. He thinks it’s my job to do all the cleaning and everything for the kids even though we both work full time. I feel I shouldn’t have to clean up after him so much; he makes worst messes than the little kids do.
What should I do when talking has gotten us nowhere and he wont go to counseling or even admit he has any fault in our problems.
If I leave, I am losing my best friend and the father of my children.
I honestly can say I love this boy, but I don't want to be a fool and waste my one life with someone who doesn't love me back, if he is just comfortable and will never grow up and give me what I need.

MGirl

I think you just answered all your own questions. Is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with?

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Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde

Affaircare

Honestly? I can not for the life of me figure out what you see in this guy. Unlike some on this forum, I'm not going to disparage him or put him down or even be disrespectful--but I would like you to stop one quick moment and ask yourself a question.

What qualities do you see in this man that you admire and that make you think he is the type of human being you would like to build a life with? Do you see Joy in him? Acceptance? Cheerfulness? Courtesy? Cooperation? Decisiveness? Encouragement? Faithfulness? Flexibility? Generosity? Gentleness? Honesty? Hard-working? Kindness? Leadership? Maturity? Modesty? Patience? Peace? Reliability? Respect? Self-confidence? Self-control? Support? Thoughtfulness? (do you love how I alphabetized that?)

My point is that I just don't see those kinds of character qualities in him, and those are the TYPES of character qualities I would suggest that someone look for in a life-long mate and partner. The fact that you have good sex now and maybe some flutter "feelings" toward him will not keep your marriage together! So rather than basing a lifetime decision on things like "I know he treats me badly BUT I LOVE HIM" I would suggest that you remind yourself that you are a smart, beautiful, funny, loving woman and mother, and the man you want will treat you with the dignity and respect of an equal--not like you owe him or he is "entitled." And note, I didn't say "You deserve better...." because you know what? None of us "deserves" anything (that's entitlement thinking)...but we can require that kind of partner and we can accept nothing less.

Before you marry this man, please either give him time to mature into the man I described who will treat you well...or look elsewhere.

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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

Syrum

All of your problems are his fault.

If they are not please elaborate on what you are doing to contribute other then being an enabler who lets this guy walk all over him.

He sounds like a child and the bird poop thing is really gross.

if you can't trust him to look after his own children, you can't trust him period.

You deserve better and you just have to decide you want better and move on, untill then it will stay the same.

confusedwantingmore

To elaborate on my part of the problem...
I bring up the past when we fight (I have a lot of resentment (mostly from being alone during my first pregnancy. I was very sick and lost 15 lbs by the time I was 6 months along and was almost put in the hospital because of my lack of weight gain. Baby was healthy, but eating my fat store because I couldn't keep any food down.), I nag at him, when we fight I am cold and "huffy", and he says "nothing is ever good enough" for me. Basically I feel these are normal feelings/reactions given the situation, but I do escalate the problem when we fight and I am by no means perfect.

MandyLou

Run for your life. The end.

Syrum

I'm still not really understanding what you are doing that is sooo bad. He treats you and his own children very badly, I'd be more then cold and huffy, I'd be gone.

confusedwantingmore

More elaboration…
When my daughter was born he had just come back into my life after a very hard 8 months of me mourning him leaving me. (I was on BC BTW, lucky 0.03%. So his mom told him that there is no way that it was an accident if I was on birth control. I must have gotten pregnant on purpose. Not to marry me that I’m trying to “trap” him. So he bolted, he said he was “too young”. I had picked my daughters name during the time he and I were apart and although he told me that it was a very important thing to him and his family for the child to have his last name I wouldn't give in, so she has my last name. He didn’t want to marry me and I said that my children would have the same name as me. Looking back I think that might have been selfish. I might have been punishing him for leaving me during my pregnancy. It was more important to him and his dad than me. He has never forgiven me for that I think. After my son was born the same thing happened but it escalated. He fought harder for his son to have his name. My son also has my last name. He fought to pick the first name and accused me of being “underhanded” about recording the birth name. Long story there, my brother was going to have the same initials as my son, NWH. We compromised on JNWH and I let him pick the first name while I picked the middle name, which is both the first name I had originally picked and the middle name I had picked to still try to honor my brother. He signed the certificate and later wanted to change his mind because four names is “weird”, they said we can go home and decide and go in before 4pm the next day if we did change our mind. He talked me into changing it and we went and it was closed so I left a message and I said they probably didn’t change it and he feels it’s my fault and I didn’t really call. Like it is all a big conspiracy, I get pregnant twice and now this. We have both agreed to disagree weather I was being “underhanded”. I claim innocents “he has not forgiven me for our sons name”. So, we both have resentment there.
I am also very negative towards him. I have always been the kind that follows the rules and so I have a hard time with anger towards him because of feeling he hasn't been fair for most of the relationship and not carrying his weight so I have not be nice most of the relationship. He says I am disrespectful (I am, and so is he). So we both have blame in it.

I have spoken with some people I respect that believe families just need to make it work and “that is why you don't say “bigger & better” you say “better or worse”. lol
I know in my head that it is not fair and not right. But I have always, after everything, and there has been a LOT, gone back to him. WHY? I feel like I will always be weak for him. He says he is sorry and that he loves me, kisses me and I melt. He is a good person with good intentions and I doubt myself. If I give it all I have will I be able to make it through to him so he will want to change and I can be happy with the man I love? Or will I have nothing?

MGirl

You may want to check out a thread I started a while back:

What does "For Better or Worse" really mean?

But you aren't even married, yet, right? You're just trying to decide whether you should marry him or not? I wouldn't even consider it unless you see *drastic* change on his part. He seems unwilling to put the work into the relationship, though. Good intentions won't keep a marriage together. Only real action will. Don't fool yourself into "hoping" he will change someday.

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Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde