Nagging wife???
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Old 05-05-2011, 10:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Post Nagging wife???

When things need to get done around the house that my husband can do... I usually have to tell him a few times and even then it doesn't get done. But if I don't remind him, it's my fault for not letting him know.
Can anyone explain why some men are this way please, because I'm tired of damned if I do, or damned if I don't!!!
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Old 05-05-2011, 10:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nagging wife???

Men and women's brains are wired differently so we process things differently.....we see/hear different meanings and importance in words.

I have learned that when asking a man to do something, my instruction needs to be direct and it also needs to include a timeline.

So instead of saying.....

"Honey, can you fix the leaky tap in the bathroom please?"....

I say....

"Honey, the tap in the bathroom is leaking, would you please fix it sometime today/ after you have finished doing what you are doing/ before you go out?"

That gives him a clear picture of what needs doing and when....it also gives him the opportunity to say no (if he can't fit it in) and opens up discussion of when he will do it. Deal sealed.

I never ask a second time, ever - if my man doesn't do what he said he will do, when he said he will do it, then I will either do it myself if I can or pay someone to do it. I don't get cranky or complain....I just get on with it.

There have only been two times that I actually had to do something myself after asking for the man's assistance - that was back in the early days when we were still learning how things worked with eachother.

He said that eventhough I didn't get cranky or do anything to make him feel bad....he felt guilty for not holding up his end of the deal.

So maybe something like that would work for you too.
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Old 05-06-2011, 08:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by surfergirl View Post
Men and women's brains are wired differently so we process things differently.....we see/hear different meanings and importance in words.

I have learned that when asking a man to do something, my instruction needs to be direct and it also needs to include a timeline.

So instead of saying.....

"Honey, can you fix the leaky tap in the bathroom please?"....

I say....

"Honey, the tap in the bathroom is leaking, would you please fix it sometime today/ after you have finished doing what you are doing/ before you go out?"

That gives him a clear picture of what needs doing and when....it also gives him the opportunity to say no (if he can't fit it in) and opens up discussion of when he will do it. Deal sealed.

I never ask a second time, ever - if my man doesn't do what he said he will do, when he said he will do it, then I will either do it myself if I can or pay someone to do it. I don't get cranky or complain....I just get on with it.

There have only been two times that I actually had to do something myself after asking for the man's assistance - that was back in the early days when we were still learning how things worked with eachother.

He said that eventhough I didn't get cranky or do anything to make him feel bad....he felt guilty for not holding up his end of the deal.

So maybe something like that would work for you too.
excellent advice
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Old 05-06-2011, 08:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nagging wife???

Men are different - period.

I have the same issue.

I quit repeating myself and began writing it down.

And when he got to it, he got to it.

I decided a long time ago that he's not me. He procrastinates - I don't. It's just who he is.

If I really want something done and don't want to wait for him to get to it - then I either do it myself or hire someone.

Keeps me calm and him too.

Was an easy solution for me - might not be for others.
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Old 05-06-2011, 08:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I do like surfergirl. I ask nicely once and state the deadline. If he doesn't do it by then either I do it (without complaining and with a smile on my face) or I pay someone else to do it. I never ever ask twice, write it down or remind him. I'm not his mom. Usually when he sees that I've taken care of it he feels guilty and then the next time is either more respectful of my requests or is honest about the time he has available.
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Old 05-06-2011, 08:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Express a goal not a direction.
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Old 05-06-2011, 08:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I don't know about your husband but I can tell you how mine operated when it came to me asking him to do something.

I could ask something simple of him or something a little more major. I could say it in a nice tone, or not so nice. (the not so nice tone usually comes after you have said something nice several times, then frustration sets in.) I also did NOT expect him to jump right up and do something right then so he did actually have plenty of time and notice.

The reason MY husband didn't do some of the stuff I had asked was, it had nothing to do with my tone, how nice I was or not nice etc, it had to do with the fact he had everything done for him growing up. He figured if it was something he didn't want to do, then he wasn't going to do it. He also knew if he went long enough without doing it, I would do it myself eventually. That taught him nothing, except to keep getting his way and to get out of what he was asked to do.

I took a step back and if I asked him to do something, simple or not, if he didn't do it, then I didn't either and it could just sit there for all I cared. He eventually got the message that I wasn't going to keep doing for him just because he didn't want to. he had to learn he had other responsibilities in life not just working and sitting on the couch while his mother/maid did it all.

I'm not saying your husband is this way, or that is what the issue with him is, just saying its what went on with mine.
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Old 05-06-2011, 07:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Excellent advice everyone, thank you so much! This one particualar thing that I am talking about is the outside water faucet. He broke it probably about 1 1/2 years ago and since then I've been asking. At this point it's pretty much my fault for just not calling a plumber and having them come out. But every time I say I'm calling a plumber he says "no no I"ll fix it"
He's has gotten alot better at some things, but I just wish that he knew that I don't like having to remind him over and over. He asks me to do something and I do it. Maybe I should start procrastinating, hmmmm!
Anyways I'm calling a plumber on Monday and I'm not telling him that I am... thanks again everyone!
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Old 05-06-2011, 08:03 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nagging wife???

Call a plumber and tell your husband that said plumber will arrive at 5:00 pm and charges $150 an hour. You can bet your butt that that faucet will be fixed, by him, your husband.
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Old 05-07-2011, 02:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My FH and I live together. He also can take his sweet time when it comes to cleaning up--- he doesn't like that he does it but he doesn't know how to improve upon it. So we came up with this solution:

I write a list of 3 to 4 chores he can do well (we have already figured out what I do better and what he does better) and tell him they need to be done by a certain time (usually its before he leaves for work or before I get home from something). That gives him a few hours to mess around with stuff and finally get it done.

However, we ONLY follow this system if and when he sees me helping around the house too. Since I work full-time during the week as a teacher, I honestly can not get much done. Saturday and Sunday though I work hard at cleaning.

Also, something else I've found useful: if there's a chore my guy really sucks at, I'll ask him come help me with it. We'll do it together a few times and he'll get the hang of it (whether he realizes this or not I'm not sure). It can then become a chore he can do well and is allowed to be added to the list.
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Old 05-07-2011, 02:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AFW8 View Post
Excellent advice everyone, thank you so much! This one particualar thing that I am talking about is the outside water faucet. He broke it probably about 1 1/2 years ago and since then I've been asking. At this point it's pretty much my fault for just not calling a plumber and having them come out. But every time I say I'm calling a plumber he says "no no I"ll fix it"
This type of deal has happened to me. What I do is that I start researching it and showing my FH how easy it is to fix. I then go ahead and try to start fixing it myself and he gets annoyed that I'm doing it and wants to help take over.

Also, I think its important for women to learn how to fix things around the house. While I'm a traditional kind of gal, I don't think that there's anything wrong with teaching ourselves how to do plumbing, electrical, gardening/lawn care, landscaping, etc to keep the house going. A guyfriend of mine showed me how to fix sinks once while he was fixing up his family's old house and I was surprised at how easy it was!
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Old 05-07-2011, 11:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nagging wife???

Men tend to have a higher mess tolerance than women, so it could be that they simply forget/don't notice when things need to get done...as in the trash piles up for a week before he notices, while you notice after a day.

I usually don't ask my SO more than once. part of this is because I'm super messy myself; part of it is because he will notice and take care of it on his own time. I feel much warmer towards him when I know he can do things on his own without my asking. Sometimes it's tough to bite my tongue and avoid nagging, but it pays off.

(It also helps that we're students and don't have as much that needs to get done).
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:35 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Im a guy and ill give you my perspective..

My Wife used to nag a lot.. And it was stuff that I could do, but she could have done it herself if she wanted..

Like taking out the trash, if you want the trash taken out then do it yourself.. If you ask me to do it, ill get to it when I get to it..

This obviously didn't go over very well for me.. So I started nagging at her to do things like taking out the trash.. She got the point..

If you see that something needs to get done, just do it yourself.. All the years my Wife nagged at me, I never asked her to do things for me.. I just did them when I saw it needed to be done..
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:55 AM   #14 (permalink)
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It's not about getting the 'thing' done. It's about scolding and clucking at her 'staff' to do it. It rarely matters what if anything gets done in the bigger picture as long as She Who Is In Charge gets to push everyone around. Of course that one thing, that one tiny thing absotively WILL get completed at that precise instant just the way She demands it be done. But longer term or larger issues - they just don't matter. She'll change her mind 40 dozen times by then anyway.

I was once called in from outside to 'jiggle' the toilet handle because it was running. She was standing in front of it grousing that some evil monster bent on ruining her day obviously screwed up.
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Old 05-09-2011, 12:08 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nagging wife???

I have found most people find it "nagging" when they had been asked to do something over and over again and it doesn't ever get done.

I don't think some of these women are asking for their men to jump and then they should say how high as in get it done right this minute, but if it goes undone for a period of time, I can understand why at that point frustration would set in.
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