So after reading and writing on this thread all week, I felt like I had made some progress with my attitude. I resolved not to control, nag, or do anything remotely biotchy if I could help it.
It seems by some cosmic practical joke, the universe decided that by my doing this my husband would morph into the absentminded professor!
I've been working on my need to control, so I didn't remind him to do anything as I normally would. He kept forgetting things left and right. On Friday we had separate plans and he forgot the formula for the babies so we had deviate from the already tight schedule to go to the store. He forgot his cell phone at his mom's house, so we also had to go there. Between those two things I was an hour late. UGH! True to my word though, I did not complain. As a matter of fact, I just told him that we were running low on formula anyway so we may as well have gotten some more.
Usually when I get into the car with him and he has to back up I turn my head too to see what is behind us. Attempting to be the more trusting wife, I didn't do this yesterday. Don't you know he backed into his sister's car! OMG. Usually, I would have been looking too so I would have warned him. I must admit that I probably could have handled this situation better. I was startled and visibly shaken. No damage to the cars. Later, he asked me if I was upset and I answered no. I honestly had forgotten about it.
Anyway, this is going to be a rough transition. Now that he doesn't have me to remind him to do things, he seems to be in a tail spin. It is really testing me to stay the course, but I have faith that he'll figure out a way to become more organized on his own.
I have the same issue, but with my husband's TBI, he actually has memory or "forgetful" issues so it's hard for me to back off - but, he is better than he was and wants me to "control" less, so I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and going to let him fly.
Hopefully I won't have the same type of disasters.
It's hard - it's like sending your kids off to college...HA HA
It was out of control. He even started asking me to do things for him because he knew he would forget. I didn't take the bait.
My ex STILL does this. I have diagnosed ADHD, she is aware of this. I NEVER use it as an excuse, but the circumstances are real.
She can't let go of an opportunity to remind me of something. I think it must be like muscle memory.
But in the scheme of things? She probably forgets, overlooks, or omits about as much as I do. She simply chooses to focus on ME.
I never call her out. Never. Because I get it.
I do just fine without my ex reminding how to conduct my life or what 'I should be doing'.
You need to be aware of whether or not you are 'setting him up'. Odds are this isn't about him testing you ... you are still testing him - and expecting him to fail.
My ex STILL does this. I have diagnosed ADHD, she is aware of this. I NEVER use it as an excuse, but the circumstances are real.
She can't let go of an opportunity to remind me of something. I think it must be like muscle memory.
But in the scheme of things? She probably forgets, overlooks, or omits about as much as I do. She simply chooses to focus on ME.
I never call her out. Never. Because I get it.
I do just fine without my ex reminding how to conduct my life or what 'I should be doing'.
You need to be aware of whether or not you are 'setting him up'. Odds are this isn't about him testing you ... you are still testing him - and expecting him to fail.
I don't expect him to fail. Quite the opposite. I didn't expect him to forget as much as he did.
I don't think he's consciously testing me, but it's still a test for me. I have to keep being supportive and trusting even though every iota of my being wants to control. So far so good.
I don't expect him to fail. Quite the opposite. I didn't expect him to forget as much as he did.
I don't think he's consciously testing me, but it's still a test for me. I have to keep being supportive and trusting even though every iota of my being wants to control. So far so good.
I don't believe that anybody actively chooses to be a knucklehead. Well ... most don't.
Have these issues always been in play, or were they cultivated as a result of your relationship dynamic?
Good for you by the way. I know you have been working this angle for some time, no?
I don't believe that anybody actively chooses to be a knucklehead. Well ... most don't.
Have these issues always been in play, or were they cultivated as a result of your relationship dynamic?
Good for you by the way. I know you have been working this angle for some time, no?
My husband recently went to a therapist who is pretty sure he has ADHD. He hasn't been formally diagnosed, but we're pretty sure he has it. When the therapist started telling him about the symptoms and giving him more information to read, he said it was like "A lightbulb went off in his head."
This new information has helped both of us. He now feels like there isn't anything "wrong" with him, his brain is just wired differently and I know don't take it personally when he does bonehead things (I used to take it really hard).
Prior to this however, the dynamic in our relationship has always been that I take on most of the responsibility because I simply don't trust that things will work out if I don't. That's because when I let my husband take the reigns, bills didn't get paid, things didn't get cleaned, appointments were forgotten, etc. It stressed me out so much, but being responsible for everything left me resentful.
So a while back I decided to let go of the stress AND the resentment and just let my husband sink or swim. I decided to just be the best wife I can be and that does not include nagging or controlling. So far, he's amazed me at how much more initiative he has taken with regards to his career and how much more accommodating and generous he is with me.
This is the last step in my transformation. Even though I wasn't intentionally trying to control or nag, I realized that I remind him to do everything. So I decided to stop. I don't want to set him up to fail, rather I am giving him an opportunity to figure out a way to become organized on his own. I keep telling myself, "What's the worst that can happen?"
As a homemaker I think it is partly my job to help my husband stay organized. I tried letting go of all control and that just seemed to make my life worse. Now what I do is pick and choose. Usually anything having to do with the kids is my domain. Now he wanted to sign our son for boy scouts and I wanted no part of that. All him. Anything work related is all him too.
My kids are older than yours though so you need more help than I do and I've got more free time.
As a homemaker I think it is partly my job to help my husband stay organized. I tried letting go of all control and that just seemed to make my life worse. Now what I do is pick and choose. Usually anything having to do with the kids is my domain. Now he wanted to sign our son for boy scouts and I wanted no part of that. All him. Anything work related is all him too.
My kids are older than yours though so you need more help than I do and I've got more free time.
That exact same strategy seems to have doomed my relationship.
But, it's stepchildren. I'm assuming these are both of yours.
That exact same strategy seems to have doomed my relationship.
But, it's stepchildren. I'm assuming these are both of yours.
Yes they are our kids. Why did it doom your relationship? My husband works 50-60 hours a week he doesn't have time to be in charge of kids stuff. He does plenty when he's home. I have no complaints in that dept. He helps out every single night. What I meant was I'm in charge. He helps out but ultimately it's me that makes sure that the deadlines are met, that they get to and from school, eat well, etc.
Wow, this thread describes my life to a T (myself being the absent-minded husband.)
The worst is the kitchen. I love to cook, especially breakfast, but no matter hard I try to clean up I will always forget one thing. There is hell to pay for leaving a greasy pan on the stove, but it's a double standard because she does this all the time; when I point this out she says it's "because I know I'm going to clean it up anyway," which I think is BS.
I've discovered that we are both happier when I stay out of the kitchen, but the price is that I rarely get to cook anything, and I do enjoy cooking from time to time.
There's other stuff, but the biggest thing is the kitchen.
I've started to notice that she forgets things as well - especially with shopping/spending habits (she overdrew her account after buying lots of baby clothes), but I am not one to beat a dead horse because I see our time together as valuable and precious and would much rather state my grievance briefly and then go back to enjoying each other's company.
Wow, this thread describes my life to a T (myself being the absent-minded husband.)
The worst is the kitchen. I love to cook, especially breakfast, but no matter hard I try to clean up I will always forget one thing. There is hell to pay for leaving a greasy pan on the stove, but it's a double standard because she does this all the time; when I point this out she says it's "because I know I'm going to clean it up anyway," which I think is BS.
I've discovered that we are both happier when I stay out of the kitchen, but the price is that I rarely get to cook anything, and I do enjoy cooking from time to time.
There's other stuff, but the biggest thing is the kitchen.
I've started to notice that she forgets things as well - especially with shopping/spending habits (she overdrew her account after buying lots of baby clothes), but I am not one to beat a dead horse because I see our time together as valuable and precious and would much rather state my grievance briefly and then go back to enjoying each other's company.
You're right. It's BS that she leaves a pot on the stove but has a different standard for you. That's not fair.
I've realized lately that I hold my husband to the same standard that I hold myself. If I can get things done in X amount of time, so can he. If I can clean up a kitchen after making dinner, so can he. That way of thinking hasn't really worked out well for me. Now, I'm doing my best to accept that there are double standards in life and no one said that marriage was fair.
At this point I'm just praising him for the things I see him doing well every chance I get. In addition, I'm working on not resenting him not doing the things I think he "should" be doing. It is a daily struggle for me.
Being tested all weekend! 
