I'm grappling with this because I honestly cannot tell if he really meant what he said at the time he said it or not. He swears he did not mean to say something 10 minutes after he said it. And it's not frequent, but what he says is divisive and painful. For example that I don't discipline my son and let him do whatever he wants, then that I never do anything around the house, then that he will never stop smoking pot every week (even though he told me when we got together romantically he was sober now and would only smoke weed "every once in a while"). He is very high anxiety and gets stressed and annoyed at the slightest thing. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
So I want to ask in your experience, and I will repost this in the men's lounge to get their advice as well, but do you think men mean it when they say harsh things?
[QUOTE=AvaTara539;316365]I'm grappling with this because I honestly cannot tell if he really meant what he said at the time he said it or not. He swears he did not mean to say something 10 minutes after he said it. And it's not frequent, but what he says is divisive and painful. For example that I don't discipline my son and let him do whatever he wants, then that I never do anything around the house, then that he will never stop smoking pot every week (even though he told me when we got together romantically he was sober now and would only smoke weed "every once in a while"). He is very high anxiety and gets stressed and annoyed at the slightest thing. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
Sometimes people say things that they don't mean. However, if this is a constant issue, there may actually be some truth to his words.
You are not being oversensitive; he is implying that you are a bad mother. Perhaps your parenting styles are different; he may also be having issues with being a stepfather.
Do you feel that you are not doing enough housework? If not, you may have to discuss who does which chores, so that there is no longer a problem.
Your husband might also be using the pot to calm down. You cannot make him quit smoking, he has to do that on his own. Once a week hardly makes him a stoner; if it was every day, that would be problematic. I understand that you may not want drugs around your son and he needs to respect that.
The first year of marriage is very hard because you are developing as a couple. It is hardly a honeymoon.
I'm grappling with this because I honestly cannot tell if he really meant what he said at the time he said it or not. He swears he did not mean to say something 10 minutes after he said it. And it's not frequent, but what he says is divisive and painful. For example that I don't discipline my son and let him do whatever he wants, then that I never do anything around the house, then that he will never stop smoking pot every week (even though he told me when we got together romantically he was sober now and would only smoke weed "every once in a while"). He is very high anxiety and gets stressed and annoyed at the slightest thing. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
Sometimes people say things that they don't mean. However, if this is a constant issue, there may actually be some truth to his words.
You are not being oversensitive; he is implying that you are a bad mother. Perhaps your parenting styles are different; he may also be having issues with being a stepfather.
Do you feel that you are not doing enough housework? If not, you may have to discuss who does which chores, so that there is no longer a problem.
Your husband might also be using the pot to calm down. You cannot make him quit smoking, he has to do that on his own. Once a week hardly makes him a stoner; if it was every day, that would be problematic. I understand that you may not want drugs around your son and he needs to respect that.
The first year of marriage is very hard because you are developing as a couple. It is hardly a honeymoon.
I have a physical disability which is yet to be determined, I suffer from extreme fatigue and physical pain since late August of last year. I've been without health insurance the last few months but a hematologist I saw before we moved here suggested I may have internal bleeding exacerbating my generally mild anemia. I'm not going to lie either, I'm also a slob. But I do clean daily bc it is important to him. It's just I have so little energy and a son with ADHD, it gets crazy cluttered in a matter of an hour or two. But I do clean every day, much more than he knows.
I really HATE substances. I do not think once a week is "every once ina while". There is a bad genetic history of addiction among males in my family. And it's my greatest fear for my son.
I have a physical disability which is yet to be determined, I suffer from extreme fatigue and physical pain since late August of last year. I've been without health insurance the last few months but a hematologist I saw before we moved here suggested I may have internal bleeding exacerbating my generally mild anemia. I'm not going to lie either, I'm also a slob. But I do clean daily bc it is important to him. It's just I have so little energy and a son with ADHD, it gets crazy cluttered in a matter of an hour or two. But I do clean every day, much more than he knows.Have the doctors mentioned fibromyalgia? Your husband needs to be understanding of your condition!! He cannot expect you to be as clean as someone who isn't tired from being ill; at least you are making an effort!
I really HATE substances. I do not think once a week is "every once ina while". There is a bad genetic history of addiction among males in my family. And it's my greatest fear for my son. If your hubby knows about your family history, he needs to be sensitive to that. Family history of addiction and being exposed to marijuana is NOT good; I completely understand why you are scared, my beauty.
I suffer from extreme fatigue and physical pain since late August of last year.
I just wanted to send you big virtual (((HUG))) because I know how you feel. I've been dealing with chronic pain and fatigue since last October and have a little one at home as well. What happened to your insurance?
[QUOTE=Mrs.G;316388]Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that people just understand how I feel. He talks to me like I am a prude about substances because I do not understand why people want to take them. I remind him of my family history and he just says "how is B (my son) going to know I do this if he's asleep when I do it?" or whatever... children are much smarter and more perceptive than adults give them credit for.
I just wanted to send you big virtual (((HUG))) because I know how you feel. I've been dealing with chronic pain and fatigue since last October and have a little one at home as well. What happened to your insurance?
Thanks! I was on medicaid in my home state, when we moved to Arkansas we don't qualify bc H makes a whopping $950 a month. His insurance doesn't kick in for another six weeks. So I've been waiting really. I know it's not fibromyalgia, at least the neurologist did not think so. He did the nerve shock testing and that came back normal, so did the testing for auto immune diseases and my thyroid. He determined it may be related to my anemia since that's the only pre-existing (prior to the new symptoms) condition I have. They didn't do a brain scan though. My first hematologist was quick to say "oh it's your vegetarian diet or your period" even though I take 65mg of iron a day and my folate and b12 are normal, which shows I supplement otherwise, and I told her I don't have heavy periods. I think doctors just jump to the simplest conclusion! I went to see another hematologist who said the iron count isn't drastically low enough to cause these symptoms but I may have internal bleeding. I really just don't know, only that I am not making it up and it's not psychosomatic or whatever. I really don't want to be so energyless. I used to go hiking all the time in my home state, Washington. Now I am so tired when we went to the ozarks I just couldn't go on a trail. I have to rest every 5-10 minutes of walking. I played soccer for 8 years and was always very athletic. So I didn't choose this. But, I am hopeful after I see a doctor here and get referred to a hematologist they'll know I'm being forthright and am not chemically imbalanced or just trying to get disability or whatever. I wish my husband would understand why I can't keep the house clean though, I really WANT to.
So my H and I had a discussion this morning. I realized he was saying harsh things or yelling because he emotionally cannot handle the disagreement occurring and wants to stop it, and he knows by offending me or being aggressive, I will become silent (as I am not the type to yell along with someone or lose control) and the confrontation will be over. I have to say ladies, I am totally calm when we disagree, but for him his stress level hits the roof in a matter of minutes, no matter how constructive or calm I am. He has agreed to see an MC about our communication, and he agrees that his approach is a problem.
Unless he suffers from a mental disorder or he's possessed by the devil, he chooses the words that come out of his mouth. Maybe he later regrets those words but when he said them, he meant them.
I'm grappling with this because I honestly cannot tell if he really meant what he said at the time he said it or not. He swears he did not mean to say something 10 minutes after he said it. And it's not frequent, but what he says is divisive and painful. For example that I don't discipline my son and let him do whatever he wants, then that I never do anything around the house, then that he will never stop smoking pot every week (even though he told me when we got together romantically he was sober now and would only smoke weed "every once in a while"). He is very high anxiety and gets stressed and annoyed at the slightest thing. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
So I want to ask in your experience, and I will repost this in the men's lounge to get their advice as well, but do you think men mean it when they say harsh things?
So... wait a minute. You have a problem disciplining your son so that "he does whatever he wants" and your husband has a substance problem that he uses other things as an excuse to avoid fixing... and you think that he might not mean something when he says it is the problem?
The fact that you are walking on eggshells is the problem.
I'm sorry to hear about your physical situation, and I hope it gets better for you soon. Unfortunately, living with someone you have to walk on eggshells around is not going to help your stress level, or ultimately, your health.
I know of what I speak. My ex husband had 1)hair trigger temper 2)smoked weed before I met him and after I left him (told me he quit) 3)was emotionally abusive i.e., name calling, threatening, etc. 4) was an insomniac and a perfectionist at work and at home.
Now it may not be easy for you to just leave, as I would counsel you to do. You have a child and you are not in perfect health. But I encourage you to watch him closely, and ask yourself if you can live with what he is dishing out now for the rest of your life. I guarantee you [I]he will not change.[I]
Think long and hard before you decide to stay in this situation, and remember the saying, "If somebody tells you who they are, believe them." Personally I would say get out as soon as you can.
So... wait a minute. You have a problem disciplining your son so that "he does whatever he wants" and your husband has a substance problem that he uses other things as an excuse to avoid fixing... and you think that he might not mean something when he says it is the problem?
The fact that you are walking on eggshells is the problem.
I'm having trouble deciphering what you're saying. NO I do not have a problem disciplining my son. My H is not used to being around children let alone step parenting, and my son has chronic ADHD and doesn't respond to consistent discipline the way a lot of children do (namely he still does the bad things and will not listen no matter how consistent and effective the discipline I am administering *should* be), So he said that to me out of frustration at not knowing what to do with my son because he doesn't IDK maybe 'absorb' the discipline the same way typical children do and because he's not used to raising children period. And yes I am absolutely 100% positive that I discipline my child! I don't believe in yelling and spanking but time outs, taking away privileges, early bed time, no juice or treats, etc, I use everything in the typical arsenal plus scheduling his day to be consistent as possible.
Yep my H uses substances sometimes and doesn't think it's a problem. Worse yet he doesn't think he is doing it to take his mind off of his anxiety.
The root of the problem is his anxiety and his expression of his anxiety, the saying things he doesn't mean was just something I posted bc I wanted to understand what might motivate someone to do that. He seems and I believe he is genuinely sorry for saying these things (which doesn't excuse it).
Bottom line: HE DOESN'T HAVE GOOD SELF CONTROL OF HIS EMOTIONS, AND THAT IS HIS OWN PROBLEM. I cannot resolve that for him and I have made it clear I expect him to seek help for it because it is very destructive to our relationships. I am definitely, *definitely* not going to accept walking on eggshells any longer. After he got into it with me the other day and I told him to leave, I was just fed up, had it. We didn't talk again until this morning (when of course, he fully agreed with me and apologized vehemently, as usual), and I really don't think I'll know for sure until we do counseling if there's going to be any real change here.
I'm sorry to hear about your physical situation, and I hope it gets better for you soon. Unfortunately, living with someone you have to walk on eggshells around is not going to help your stress level, or ultimately, your health.
I know of what I speak. My ex husband had 1)hair trigger temper 2)smoked weed before I met him and after I left him (told me he quit) 3)was emotionally abusive i.e., name calling, threatening, etc. 4) was an insomniac and a perfectionist at work and at home.
Now it may not be easy for you to just leave, as I would counsel you to do. You have a child and you are not in perfect health. But I encourage you to watch him closely, and ask yourself if you can live with what he is dishing out now for the rest of your life. I guarantee you [I]he will not change.[I]
Think long and hard before you decide to stay in this situation, and remember the saying, "If somebody tells you who they are, believe them." Personally I would say get out as soon as you can.
Good luck.
-WNM
I appreciate the advice, WNM! All I want to do is to give him the opportunity to change. He said he does not even know why his stress level hits the roof so quickly and why he can't communicate well and he will go to counseling. To be honest I've been thinking about a plan B almost since the week after we married. But I want to do my best to abide by my commitment and give him the opportunity to seek help for himself, and I want us to talk to an MC to make sure I don't have any unreasonable expectations either. But don't fear that I will be a carpet for him My son is the #1 guy in my life LOL, I know it is better he has no father figure than a crappy role model for one (I can speak personally on that matter, I love my dad but good lord the man should have never had kids). My son needs to learn how to respect women, not get dragged into the drugs and alcohol, and roll with the hard knock punches calmly ('cause life sure is full of punches ain't it! ). And if he's going to have a man in his life it needs to be a man who doesn't lose his patience with him every 5 seconds.
Again, we'll see, with counseling. But his health insurance doesn't kick in for another 5 weeks or so. *fingers crossed*
I'm having trouble deciphering what you're saying. NO I do not have a problem disciplining my son. My H is not used to being around children let alone step parenting, and my son has chronic ADHD and doesn't respond to consistent discipline the way a lot of children do (namely he still does the bad things and will not listen no matter how consistent and effective the discipline I am administering *should* be),
Gotcha. That is a challenge I am VERY familiar with. Big problem with ADHD boys is that they are often also very smart and can bust through anything but the best discipline. Couple of things that have helped me immensely:
- POSITIVE effective discipline. Traditional punishment / reward is good enough for many easy kids. Doesn't work as well with challenging kids. Book recommendations follow
So he said that to me out of frustration at not knowing what to do with my son because he doesn't IDK maybe 'absorb' the discipline the same way typical children do and because he's not used to raising children period. And yes I am absolutely 100% positive that I discipline my child! I don't believe in yelling and spanking but time outs, taking away privileges, early bed time, no juice or treats, etc, I use everything in the typical arsenal plus scheduling his day to be consistent as possible.
I am not sure what your typical arsenal is. Time out is a perfectly awesome technique for gaining emotional control. (Stupid as a means of punishment.) Taking away privileges that are related to the improper use of said privilege is very important. Have you accidentally mistaken positive with absence of consequence?
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Yep my H uses substances sometimes and doesn't think it's a problem. Worse yet he doesn't think he is doing it to take his mind off of his anxiety.
But then will tell you he will stop to appease you?
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The root of the problem is his anxiety and his expression of his anxiety, the saying things he doesn't mean was just something I posted bc I wanted to understand what might motivate someone to do that.
I gotcha. I would bet my last dollar that he DOES mean the things he says when he says them then later says he does not in order to avoid recrimination. (Except in the case of telling you he will stop his drug use. He never means that. He is just trying to get you off his back.)
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He seems and I believe he is genuinely sorry for saying these things (which doesn't excuse it).
He probably is sorry for saying them. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for getting "in trouble". But that does not mean he does not mean them.
From what I can read into your post (which does contain some inference that may be unfounded)
- You have a challenging situation with your son. Don't give up on that. I do feel your pain there. If you become a life long learner of effective parenting, you will do such a service to your son, to the peace in your family. I am in a constant state of looking for new information on child rearing. It helps! It really does. I wish you the best of luck with that as it is very challenging.
- Your husband's anxiety and perhaps other things causes difficulty for you. He says things that are hurtful to you. In this case, I would suggest 2 things
Your husband should look into more effective treatment for anxiety than weed. There are pharmaceutical and behavioral treatments that can help him A LOT. Then he can work on learning better communication skills. You don't have a great deal of control over his doing or not doing this. But some very non confrontational gee honey, I heard that they have made strides in helping people with anxiety disorders...
You could also, IF HE IS INTERESTED, make a fun together time out of learning about effective parenting. If he feels enabled to be a good parent, he is less likely to criticize you. Gee honey, I feel I am being an effective parent. He is such a challenging child. But why don't we take that class they are offering at the school? Maybe we will learn something useful. And if not, at least we had an evening out. I will ask Mom to watch Joey....
- But as it relates to his saying things to you that you don't like, there are 2 tools in your arsenal to develop.
Fire proof skin. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but the dumbass things he says can never hurt you. If you can learn that, then you have gone a long way to diffusing.
Read about, learn about effective limit setting in relationships. How to set and enforce your boundaries. When he says or does something that is untenable, what do YOU do to indicate that it is not ok with you? (Make sure you use this technique only on serious transgressions, not as a means to control his behavior overall.)
Husband says things he doesn't mean 
Re: Husband says things he doesn't mean 
I was on medicaid in my home state, when we moved to Arkansas we don't qualify bc H makes a whopping $950 a month. His insurance doesn't kick in for another six weeks. So I've been waiting really. I know it's not fibromyalgia, at least the neurologist did not think so. He did the nerve shock testing and that came back normal, so did the testing for auto immune diseases and my thyroid. He determined it may be related to my anemia since that's the only pre-existing (prior to the new symptoms) condition I have. They didn't do a brain scan though. My first hematologist was quick to say "oh it's your vegetarian diet or your period" even though I take 65mg of iron a day and my folate and b12 are normal, which shows I supplement otherwise, and I told her I don't have heavy periods. I think doctors just jump to the simplest conclusion! I went to see another hematologist who said the iron count isn't drastically low enough to cause these symptoms but I may have internal bleeding. I really just don't know, only that I am not making it up and it's not psychosomatic or whatever. I really don't want to be so energyless. I used to go hiking all the time in my home state, Washington. Now I am so tired when we went to the ozarks I just couldn't go on a trail. I have to rest every 5-10 minutes of walking. I played soccer for 8 years and was always very athletic. So I didn't choose this. But, I am hopeful after I see a doctor here and get referred to a hematologist they'll know I'm being forthright and am not chemically imbalanced or just trying to get disability or whatever. I wish my husband would understand why I can't keep the house clean though, I really WANT to.
My son is the #1 guy in my life LOL, I know it is better he has no father figure than a crappy role model for one (I can speak personally on that matter, I love my dad but good lord the man should have never had kids). My son needs to learn how to respect women, not get dragged into the drugs and alcohol, and roll with the hard knock punches calmly ('cause life sure is full of punches ain't it! 
). And if he's going to have a man in his life it needs to be a man who doesn't lose his patience with him every 5 seconds. 
