I'm going to try and make this as short as possible ladies.... I need to find an answer soon or I fear my marriage will end due to my insecurity and jealousy.
A little background- I am 44, married for the second time to a man I love very much... I was in a previous abusive marriage- emotionally and sometimes physical. I am adopted- given up by my birth mother at 6 months- was reunited and things were good for several years then she backed out of my life and only recently have we started talking again. I have battled abandonment issues all of my life- starting as a child.... I somehow got the idea I needed to be perfect in every way in order for my adopted parents to love me or I would be sent away. All of my life, I feel I have had to prove myself/be perfect for anyone to love me.... when I am falling short of these unrealistic expectations my world feels like it's falling apart.
My ex husband never complimented me- never took care of me- never validated my thoughts or feelings... basically I was ignored and constantly wondered what was wrong with me. I am more than capable of taking care of myself (don't get me wrong- I don't have some kind of princess complex) and have for a long time- I suppose by not being taken care of - I mean- not really nutured or made to feel loved. I can't think of a nice thing he ever did for me.
I am a professional woman- a mother- I have been told I look younger than I am and have been told I am very pretty. Other's say I am also very smart. I think I am intelligent but as far as pretty I feel like the most disgusting thing to walk the earth. I have gained weight since having my children and have not been able to lose it... that is probably one of the biggest issues. It's also difficult when I loathe myself to the point that I feel stuck to take some kind of positive action to feel better.
My new husband probably painted a very unrealistic picture for me while we were dating.... he made me believe that he had no use for any other woman but me and even said he never cared to breathe the air of another woman... that he didn't need to be in their company etc etc etc. I had his full attention and devotion and I REALLY FELT it. I didn't doubt him. It seems he is changing the rules and last night I got upset because of some movies he put in our netflix line-up. The one mentioned something about a curvy co-ed and the other description talked about two ex-cops who were training a beautiful young japanese woman to seduce someone for their secrets.... the thing that caught my eye was the focus seemed to be on these women...... not his typical movie choices.
As silly as it may seem- I felt threatened and hurt that he chose these movies. No way could I sit and watch something like that and feel comfortable having some perfect woman shoved in my face for an hour and a half.
I constantly compare myself and know I don't look like that and I can't believe he isn't getting some enjoyment out of looking at beautiful perfect women.... harder to deal with it when he made me believe he had no use for this.
He used to look at porn- I know he has visited massage parlors and strip joints in the past(before marriage). How can those things no longer have some appeal ? He is an author and wrote many short stories that he shared with me before we were married and many of them depicted young women... perfect breasts- flat stomachs and often they were portrayed in situations where one man was married to many of these women.
(he liked writing about ancient times and one man would have many wives)
I am smart enough to know that these images came from his imagination.... perhaps fantasy- but it does not help my security level. He used to compliment me- I used to feel very safe--- and I'm not feeling it. I tried to talk to him and he gets mad which doesn't make me feel secure. He said he would give up the computer and tv to prove to me.... but he is angry about it and I don't believe doing it because he truly wantsto- he is doing it to make a point..... feels more like something he could just hold over my head and make me feel bad about. I don't want him to live that way- and I don't want to live that way.
I don't understand why he can't just give me some reassurance.... a few heartfelt sincere words would probably do me a world of good - but he can't see that. I have told him as much.
I am at a loss. I don't like feeling this way. I want to feel confident and not constantly feel like I am not enough- or that I can never measure up to these perfect woman that are always thrown in our faces by the media.
I would love to hear from other women and even men..... what works for you when you feel insecure or am I just totally nuts and not normal for feeling this way? Am I being ridiculous?
Thanks in advance..... I truly appreciate your comments.
A little background- I am 44, married for the second time to a man I love very much... I was in a previous abusive marriage- emotionally and sometimes physical. I am adopted- given up by my birth mother at 6 months- was reunited and things were good for several years then she backed out of my life and only recently have we started talking again. I have battled abandonment issues all of my life- starting as a child.... I somehow got the idea I needed to be perfect in every way in order for my adopted parents to love me or I would be sent away. All of my life, I feel I have had to prove myself/be perfect for anyone to love me.... when I am falling short of these unrealistic expectations my world feels like it's falling apart.
My ex husband never complimented me- never took care of me- never validated my thoughts or feelings... basically I was ignored and constantly wondered what was wrong with me. I am more than capable of taking care of myself (don't get me wrong- I don't have some kind of princess complex) and have for a long time- I suppose by not being taken care of - I mean- not really nutured or made to feel loved. I can't think of a nice thing he ever did for me.
I am a professional woman- a mother- I have been told I look younger than I am and have been told I am very pretty. Other's say I am also very smart. I think I am intelligent but as far as pretty I feel like the most disgusting thing to walk the earth. I have gained weight since having my children and have not been able to lose it... that is probably one of the biggest issues. It's also difficult when I loathe myself to the point that I feel stuck to take some kind of positive action to feel better.
My new husband probably painted a very unrealistic picture for me while we were dating.... he made me believe that he had no use for any other woman but me and even said he never cared to breathe the air of another woman... that he didn't need to be in their company etc etc etc. I had his full attention and devotion and I REALLY FELT it. I didn't doubt him. It seems he is changing the rules and last night I got upset because of some movies he put in our netflix line-up. The one mentioned something about a curvy co-ed and the other description talked about two ex-cops who were training a beautiful young japanese woman to seduce someone for their secrets.... the thing that caught my eye was the focus seemed to be on these women...... not his typical movie choices.
As silly as it may seem- I felt threatened and hurt that he chose these movies. No way could I sit and watch something like that and feel comfortable having some perfect woman shoved in my face for an hour and a half.
I constantly compare myself and know I don't look like that and I can't believe he isn't getting some enjoyment out of looking at beautiful perfect women.... harder to deal with it when he made me believe he had no use for this.
He used to look at porn- I know he has visited massage parlors and strip joints in the past(before marriage). How can those things no longer have some appeal ? He is an author and wrote many short stories that he shared with me before we were married and many of them depicted young women... perfect breasts- flat stomachs and often they were portrayed in situations where one man was married to many of these women.
(he liked writing about ancient times and one man would have many wives)
I am smart enough to know that these images came from his imagination.... perhaps fantasy- but it does not help my security level. He used to compliment me- I used to feel very safe--- and I'm not feeling it. I tried to talk to him and he gets mad which doesn't make me feel secure. He said he would give up the computer and tv to prove to me.... but he is angry about it and I don't believe doing it because he truly wantsto- he is doing it to make a point..... feels more like something he could just hold over my head and make me feel bad about. I don't want him to live that way- and I don't want to live that way.
I don't understand why he can't just give me some reassurance.... a few heartfelt sincere words would probably do me a world of good - but he can't see that. I have told him as much.
I am at a loss. I don't like feeling this way. I want to feel confident and not constantly feel like I am not enough- or that I can never measure up to these perfect woman that are always thrown in our faces by the media.
I would love to hear from other women and even men..... what works for you when you feel insecure or am I just totally nuts and not normal for feeling this way? Am I being ridiculous?
Thanks in advance..... I truly appreciate your comments.