Does your husband keep his promises?
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Does your husband keep his promises?

I just found this forum and I can't hold it in anymore!

So the husband and I have been married 10 years. We got married because after two years of dating, he didn't seem like he wanted the relationship to go anywhere fast, while I was tired of waiting for him to propose. So one night, we had a huge fight, and he showed up a couple of hours later with a hastily-bought ring from a cheap jewellery shop and asked me to marry him. I was so relieved that he'd finally asked that it didn't occur to me to question the knee-jerk nature of the proposal.

So here I am, 10 years on, and still resenting the fact that he put zero thought into how he was going to ask me to marry him, and has so far never honoured a single one of his promises to buy me a nicer ring for our anniversary. It seems like such a petty thing, but it's a hallmark of our marriage - he says he'll do something, and then it never happens. It's making me lose all respect for him. He still tells me that "the jeweller is working on your ring", but I've long ceased to hold my breath for it or any other promise that he makes me. I'll believe it when I see it.

I think what makes it worse is the fact that I'm the complete opposite - when I say I'll get something done, it gets done ASAP.

Anybody else out there have the same problem?
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your husband keep his promises?

My husband keeps the promises he is capable of keeping. Sometimes we make promises that we are unable to keep because the person we're with makes us feel like we can do anything as long as they love us. I don't keep every single little promise I ever made to him bc people change and it's just not possible.

I will say that I could never understand why women get so hung up on a nice wedding ring. My husband practically had a panic attack when we went ring shopping bc he expected me to be like his first wife demanding the biggest and the best. When I chose a smaller ring I could see the respect in his eyes as he knew it wasn't about the wedding and the ring for me like it was with his first.

He proposed to her while drunk and gave her a ring that he maxed out his credit cards to buy. a few years later she went out and bought a huge ring and never wore the other one again...he said he was so hurt by that and never got over it.

Not every marriage proposal is a storybook proposal and not every wedding ring is worth 3 months salary...but that shouldn't be the main focus of the marriage.

Hubby proposed to me in our breakfast room while we were both in our underwear eating eggs n bacon. NOT storybook but I cried with happiness just the same.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your husband keep his promises?

I think that sometimes what we think and see in life isnt what others see. If he married you - then he loves you. Thats the symbol there. If you really are bothered by this then talk to him - communicate -I am sure if you both are in love then this will just be one small milestone into your long life together.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your husband keep his promises?

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My husband keeps the promises he is capable of keeping. Sometimes we make promises that we are unable to keep because the person we're with makes us feel like we can do anything as long as they love us. I don't keep every single little promise I ever made to him bc people change and it's just not possible.

I will say that I could never understand why women get so hung up on a nice wedding ring. My husband practically had a panic attack when we went ring shopping bc he expected me to be like his first wife demanding the biggest and the best. When I chose a smaller ring I could see the respect in his eyes as he knew it wasn't about the wedding and the ring for me like it was with his first.

He proposed to her while drunk and gave her a ring that he maxed out his credit cards to buy. a few years later she went out and bought a huge ring and never wore the other one again...he said he was so hurt by that and never got over it.

Not every marriage proposal is a storybook proposal and not every wedding ring is worth 3 months salary...but that shouldn't be the main focus of the marriage.

Hubby proposed to me in our breakfast room while we were both in our underwear eating eggs n bacon. NOT storybook but I cried with happiness just the same.


I don't get why women are hung up on rings either, and I don't see any other talk about how he doesn't keep promises except for this ring situation (maybe you are looking for something to have a problem with, poster?). I got a cubic zirconia ring when I got married and it's exactly what I wanted, you won't see me with some blood slave trade ring on my hand (which is what diamond rings are). I rock CZ and you should look into it because they are so amazing now you can barely tell the difference unless you got out a jeweler's magnifier!
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your husband keep his promises?

I have the most amazing cz jewelry and no one can ever tell the difference.

I actually have gotten into the less traditional ideas for wedding rings...gemstones like rubies and sapphires as a solitaire are just so unique in the bridezilla sea of colorless sparkly diamonds.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your husband keep his promises?

Just go and buy the ring you want and then tell him, "Thank you for the beautiful ring! You shouldn't have!"

Stop waiting for him to do what he's obviously never going to do. If you want a nicer ring, just go and get one.

But to answer your question, this used to be a BIG deal in my marriage. My husband frequently broke promises. It did make me lose respect and faith in him. After much examination he admitted it was because he was afraid to say No to me. He would just say he was going to do something to get me to stop talking and then he would forget about it as soon as he said it. So, I stopped asking for anything and whatever I wanted I just went out and got. THEN he started to just do things for me and suddenly remembered all the things he said he was going to do.

Men are weird like that.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Just go and buy the ring you want and then tell him, "Thank you for the beautiful ring! You shouldn't have!"

Stop waiting for him to do what he's obviously never going to do. If you want a nicer ring, just go and get one.

But to answer your question, this used to be a BIG deal in my marriage. My husband frequently broke promises. It did make me lose respect and faith in him. After much examination he admitted it was because he was afraid to say No to me. He would just say he was going to do something to get me to stop talking and then he would forget about it as soon as he said it. So, I stopped asking for anything and whatever I wanted I just went out and got. THEN he started to just do things for me and suddenly remembered all the things he said he was going to do.

Men are weird like that.
Thank you for understanding the point of my post. And to add to what you said, the only time my husband ever does nice things for me of his own accord is right after we have a huge fight. Otherwise, I'm the one who initiates date nights, holidays, and outings with the whole family. Feels like I'm doing all the work, and the least he can do is do what he said he would!
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Maybe he does "the work" for your marriage in a different way than buying things or planning outings. Maybe his love language is different than yours. Home - Five Love Languages Learning about how each of you express love differently can only benefit your marriage, not just for you but for him too. Good luck.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Maybe he does "the work" for your marriage in a different way than buying things or planning outings. Maybe his love language is different than yours. Home - Five Love Languages Learning about how each of you express love differently can only benefit your marriage, not just for you but for him too. Good luck.
LOVE that book...so helpful
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Maybe he does "the work" for your marriage in a different way than buying things or planning outings. Maybe his love language is different than yours. Home - Five Love Languages Learning about how each of you express love differently can only benefit your marriage, not just for you but for him too. Good luck.
I've read that book, and he has read about the five love languages. He knows what my love languages (quality time, gifts) are, and I his (words of affirmation, physical touch). I don't know if he does it on purpose (ie passive-aggressive), but he is always using HIS love language on me. Which of course, doesn't produce the desired result.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:35 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I just found this forum and I can't hold it in anymore!

So the husband and I have been married 10 years. We got married because after two years of dating, he didn't seem like he wanted the relationship to go anywhere fast, while I was tired of waiting for him to propose. So one night, we had a huge fight, and he showed up a couple of hours later with a hastily-bought ring from a cheap jewellery shop and asked me to marry him. I was so relieved that he'd finally asked that it didn't occur to me to question the knee-jerk nature of the proposal.

So here I am, 10 years on, and still resenting the fact that he put zero thought into how he was going to ask me to marry him, and has so far never honoured a single one of his promises to buy me a nicer ring for our anniversary. It seems like such a petty thing, but it's a hallmark of our marriage - he says he'll do something, and then it never happens. It's making me lose all respect for him. He still tells me that "the jeweller is working on your ring", but I've long ceased to hold my breath for it or any other promise that he makes me. I'll believe it when I see it.

I think what makes it worse is the fact that I'm the complete opposite - when I say I'll get something done, it gets done ASAP.

Anybody else out there have the same problem?
Initially it's hard to understand the point of your post because you don't take responsibility for saying yes. I find your proposal and him buying the ring real quick sort of cute and romantic myself.

I think the real issue is not the ring though but it's the big example your mind wanders to every time you get frustrated. So it's not about the big ring, it's about the empty promise of a ring that never arrived.

The thing is, if you never give him a chance, he gets into a pattern of lose/lose. I imagine he loves you but is frustrated that he can't make you happy.

My husband had similar behaviors. It's confusing!

When everything came out as I had gotten to the point of willing to leave him, I learned that a lot of my behaviors were self defeating. I refused to give him a chance to impress me and my husband felt emotionally exhausted and then would do nothing after feeling frustrated that he could never live up to my expectations.

Think about the good qualities your husband has. Are you focusing and magnifying the negative but unwilling to uphold the positive?

I only ask because this was my biggest problem. I was always screaming that it was so unfair but not willing to own my behaviors that upheld our patterns.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:39 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I've read that book, and he has read about the five love languages. He knows what my love languages (quality time, gifts) are, and I his (words of affirmation, physical touch). I don't know if he does it on purpose (ie passive-aggressive), but he is always using HIS love language on me. Which of course, doesn't produce the desired result.


We are the same, mine is quality time and 'acts of servitude' (or gifts as you put it, I am more likely to do things for people than say sweet things to him) and my H is totally words of affirmation and physical touch and he talks to me in HIS language all the time and it so does not work. I however have worked on speaking his language a lot. I made myself a check list (since I am the more analytical) of "touch points", making sure we cuddle in the morning and at night, have sex 'x' amounts of time per week, and I say at least one compliment to him daily. It took a few days to get the hang of it but I'm speaking his lingo now and he's happier. He hasn't really learned to speak mine yet, he still showers me with mushy compliments that make me uncomfortable and is super PDA with me, but he says he's trying.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:40 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you for understanding the point of my post. And to add to what you said, the only time my husband ever does nice things for me of his own accord is right after we have a huge fight. Otherwise, I'm the one who initiates date nights, holidays, and outings with the whole family. Feels like I'm doing all the work, and the least he can do is do what he said he would!
This is one of the reasons I lost respect for my first husband. he hardly ever did things without me organizing them, it made me feel unimportant.

He also bought me things after a fight, I would have much preferred he just did them because he loved me.

I think you are feeling un appreciated and resentful, and you want your husband to take the initiative and do nice things for you, which is understandable.

The ring is a symbol of all of that and fair enough.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:56 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Think about the good qualities your husband has. Are you focusing and magnifying the negative but unwilling to uphold the positive?

I only ask because this was my biggest problem. I was always screaming that it was so unfair but not willing to own my behaviors that upheld our patterns.
I am very sure that I, too, have a lot of behaviours that drive H up the wall, only I'd never know for sure because his way of dealing with problems is to slam the door of his cave firmly shut. In fact, right now, the door of the study (his actual physical cave) is literally locked. I appreciate him a lot for what he does and I speak his love language by telling him. I just wish that once in a while, he'd look up and see that I need some loving too.
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Old 05-12-2011, 11:53 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I've read that book, and he has read about the five love languages. He knows what my love languages (quality time, gifts) are, and I his (words of affirmation, physical touch). I don't know if he does it on purpose (ie passive-aggressive), but he is always using HIS love language on me. Which of course, doesn't produce the desired result.
Similar dynamic here except flip the roles. HE is the gift guy and I'm the physical touch one. Just curious how much are you meeting his needs?

Not that it matters I second the vote to go buy your own ring. I have a really fabulous fake ring that I love more than my engagement ring and it only cost $40. Take charge and meet your own needs since gifts is easy. My best friend has that as a love language and she jokes she doesn't even need a man now. LOL!!
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