Is my husband really mean or really dumb emotionally?
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Old 05-15-2011, 10:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is my husband really mean or really dumb emotionally?

Ok my husband and myself have been married almost 6 years now and I have one major battle with him throughout the whole time. He has a best friend whom is female, going into the relationship I didn't have a problem with it as I am not typically a jealous person, but as time went on I came to think they were a little too close for comfort. Never thought he would cheat on me with her by any means but it was a feeling of being inferior.... which should never happen in a marriage especially if it is another woman whom I am feeling it for.

So I explain my feelings to him and you know what he does? HE LAUGHS AT ME!!! Says there is nothing going on nor will there ever be and I have nothing to worry about... I tell him I am not concerned with him cheating but the emotional connection with them seemed to be quite stronger than ours and that wasn't a healthy sign. I am in no way the "read between the lines" kind of woman, I will explain in detail exactly what I am feeling or what it is that I want. No miscommunications possible with me. so he still says the same thing and ignors it.... I have come to him several times over the years with this issue, not enough to be obsessive but enough to let it be known that it's an issue that's not going away. The way i look at it is he is basically telling me that his loyalty lies with her and not me.... because he tells her she is doing nothing wrong and it is just me spazzing about nothing at all and it will just pass eventually. So she knows she has caused issues with us and has done nothing to stop it.

The main issue I have always had with this was his lack of caring at all what I thought, he said there was nothing going on and I do believe him but whether there is or not his complete lack of respect for how I feel is unacceptable. He wouldn't even say "ok I can see how that may make you feel uncomfortable" or anything he always laughs when I mention it and even sometimes gets defensive and annoyed.

Well we are now separated but only physically. We live apart but we are still trying to work on our marriage so all active marriage rules still apply. Well a few months ago she started coming over to the house to hang out and do things I had been trying to get him to do with me but he always had an excuse why he didn't wanna. Small things like just something to do together instead of sit on the couch and watch tv. That really irritated me and I was there one day when she got there.... keep in mind they hang out one on one... and he would barely even look at me. When i left he gave me a side hug and said be careful.... any other day he would wrap me up in his arms, ask me to stay for just a little longer, and if I couldn't he would tell me at least 2 times he loved me and would miss me. Of course that struck me as odd so when he txted later and asked if I was upset I asked him what she thought our status was.... he said separated but working on it. Fact. so then there are instances where he starts doing random nice things for her, keep in mind he is not a random nice thing kind of person to anybody not just me. That also struck me as odd... well I used his phone to send a pic one day to his sister of our daughter and he got a message right after, assuming it was her I checked it. It was the other girl.... well he has a blackberry so when you open a message the whole convo is under it. I noticed he hadn't mentioned I was there but that he was just having time with our daughter, that got me suspicious and I read some more from the past and turns out he had been doing that all along. If I was there he would make an excuse as to why they couldnt hang out. So I then asked him the same question but told him to think real hard before he answered and he said he had told everybody that we were just separated because he was embarrassed. EMBARRASSED!!!!

So of course that starts a huge issue and I spill out everything I have been nice enough to hold in the the last 6 and tell him I refuse to be in a secret marriage. He says he understands and I adv he most def will adv her they need to take a step back from their relationship as it was out of control now and explained how id felt for so many years. He actually said he understood this time and he would handle that. I adv him he needed to make sure he told her they had been wrong all along and his marriage was more important to him than anything and he needed to focus on that right now so he needed to step back from her.... I wanted him to confess to her he had lied to her and finally saw the issue. He told her he lied but wanna know why he said he needed to take a break? So SHE didn't feel like she was the cause of our conflict!!! He still found a way to make it about her!!! His focus was sparing her feelings and disregarding mine yet again!!! I need help and advice here I just don't know what to do because according to him I just don't know how to let things go and I can't unless theyre solved

Now I have seen phone records and he has had several long conversations via text with her that he has not mentioned to me and makes sure his phone is cleared, I think he is hiding something.
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Old 05-15-2011, 10:53 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband really mean or really dumb emotionally?

Sorry so long lol
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband really mean or really dumb emotionally?

i am so sorry that you are going through this. it is tiring emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically. I know how you feel, feeling unvalidated, undermined, and not taken as an equal partner. There is something seriously wrong with your husband if he places his female friend on the pedestal. If you have a gut instinct on something, please listen on it.

I would also suggest some solutions like; if you have a brother/male cousin let him live with your husband in your home; kind of a watch see thing. say that if he feels he really needs a friend, who better than family, right?
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband really mean or really dumb emotionally?

this overall situation is really distressing.
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband really mean or really dumb emotionally?

Well yes and the frustrating thing is I finally got out everything I had wanted to really get out over the years as he had upset me enough to just go for it and not spare his feelings.... even tho mine arent taken into consideration so I don't know why I even try.... and he said he finally understood. I wanted him to have the guts to go to her and tell her that his marriage was his number one priority and he would do what it took to fix it even if it meant taking a step back from her... I didn't even ask for total separation just less!!!! He couldn't even say that he had to turn it around and make it seem like he was trying to do her a favor!!! And I FREAKED out about that when he told me that was what he said and he told me I needed to stop bringing up and dwelling on the past.... THIS IS TOTALLY NEW!!!! He disregarded me yet again and actually insulted me in the process and can't even see it!!!! I don't know if he is just dumb or mean!!!
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Old 05-16-2011, 12:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband really mean or really dumb emotionally?

Tell him if he wants to stay married to you he has to cut her off. Completely. Period.
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