I sometimes find that my hubby has a way of making me feel like I am more sensitive than him because I get my feelings hurt when he doesn't get excited about something I want to do. Example - I want to go out to dinner and he says "well if that's what you want." and then I don't want to go anymore because he was so specific about saying that's what I WANTED. I tell him nevermind I can just as well pick something up. Then he says "baby why are you so sensitive I said I will go." and it turns in to me being like the jerk. When it is tables turned and it happens that I don't suggest anything at all but go by his cue - he is very sensitive like "you aren't talking to me" when in fact I am - I just haven't suggested anything fun to do and he's grown used to getting a list of activities and being able to choose. He's grown lazy for thinking of wonderful places to take me and stuff. So is my acting like him wrong by not suggesting things. Is there a way I can't tell him what I want without being accused of being overly sensitive. Don't we all want to be taken out on dates and showed new things even if you are married?
Example - I want to go out to dinner and he says "well if that's what you want." and then I don't want to go anymore because he was so specific about saying that's what I WANTED. I tell him nevermind I can just as well pick something up. Then he says "baby why are you so sensitive I said I will go."
I can't be sure unless I was a fly in the wall, but you might simply have a slight communication problem. My wife and I have a similar thing, but I solved it now, by being more clear about my motives.
I will give you an example. I will ask what I feel is a neutral question like - did you put the bin out? She will snap at me and start telling me how it's not her job and blah blah blah as if I were accusing her of not doing it when she should have. Actually, I am just asking for information, so that I can do it if she has not. If anything, I feel it's my job, so there is no hint of an accusation in my mind - but yet she hears it that way.
So it's just possible that you husband was not meaning anything other than what he said. It may be that when you were growing up you were pestered or criticized a lot by your parents... but I'm just fishing now.
Next time you ask a question and receive an answer that you think means he is leading you in a different direction or you feel yourself starting to react to something he said, stop and just say what you want at that moment. Stop trying to interpret something he isn't saying - go with what he *does* say and what you want.
In your example, you said you wanted to go out to dinner and he came back with "if that's what you want." Instead of letting your feelings get hurt, just think back to what you want - you want to go out to dinner. So your answer could be "Yes, that's what I want" instead of "That's ok, I'll get something else." I bet if you try this sort of thing instead of reading something into his response that may not be there, you'll find it a lot less stressful.
I used to do this a lot - would not take a firm stand on something and would waffle depending on my husband's response. Apparently that drove him nuts - so I stopped and just said what I wanted and we were both happier in that situation.
I agree that it is a communication problem with both of you. You ask a leading questionknowing that he always answers the same way. Instead of getting what you want you feel rejected and reject him in the mean time.
WHy not say, I feel like eating out where do YOU want to go?
Oh man my H and i used to have the hardest time just finding a place to eat dinner. it got so annoying. I never wanted to eat out, he always did. He'd ask me where i wanted to eat, i had no clue, and then he'd get upset, and then i'd get upset. I'd feel bad and then suggest we eat out, and then he didn't want to so we'd just stale mate. Or sometimes i'd do what Drac suggested, ask him where he wants to eat out. but then he'd try to please me and say, 'no, let's just go to the store.' but i really did want to go eat out so we'd go back and forth with that for awhile. TODAY we stood in the store for twenty minutes trying to decide which chicken to get, the pre-cooked or the raw...he wanted the cooked, i wanted the raw so i got the raw, turns out he convinced me to get the pre-cooked so i put the raw back. Or another time...Ok, i'll stop. man, the stupid games we play.
there are other deeper issues in your relationship or this really wouldnt be a big deal.
I agree that it is a communication problem with both of you. You ask a leading questionknowing that he always answers the same way. Instead of getting what you want you feel rejected and reject him in the mean time.
WHy not say, I feel like eating out where do YOU want to go?
draconis
I like it! I am an engaging person and this seems to be a good way to have him put his two cents in. As it turns out he really wants to recommend things but he doesn't venture to new places as much as me. We said we will both pick new places to go from this sheet we got from our local markets that has all the restaurants on it. It's going to save us both a headache I know.
---Stop trying to interpret something he isn't saying - go with what he *does* say and what you want.---
I agree! Many women I know like to extrapolate, and its one of the fastest and most effective ways to:
- Start a fight
- Miss out on what could have actually been nice.
- Build resent
- Encourage your partner to keep his mouth shut, because you'll just get bent out of shape no matter what.
and the list goes on.
To put it bluntly, it seems to many men, that it is NEVER enough for women to merely GET what they want. They have to get it:
- when they want it
- in the exact form they want it
- by the exact means
- for the exact reasons.
In other words, in your example, it is not enough for your husband to agree to go out to dinner. He has to truly want, without being asked, to go to that seafood place you went to 3 octobers ago when you got promoted at work, and he has to wear the new shirt you got him last weekend that you think he'll look dashing in (also because he WANTS to wear it and ALSO thinks he looks good in it), and he has to order those cilantro-butter prawns for an appetizer with "2 forks, so we can share".
Get real! (said with well-wishes and respect)
Also, who is "the planner"? If you have always been the planner, maybe you guys have settled into roles. I'm not saying you shouldn't want to be taken care of once in a while, but some people are just not initiative-takers.
---would not take a firm stand on something and would waffle depending on my husband's response. Apparently that drove him nuts - so I stopped and just said what I wanted and we were both happier in that situation.---
Dude, I SOOOO agree here!
If I ask a question, and you defer to me, I wonder if you are only doing that to avoid the responsibility (or blame if something goes wrong) of having to answer.
But I also got so sick of wafflers, that I finally took it as an opportunity to get what I want. If I'm trying to plan something, and everyone says "wherever" or especially "whatever you want", you better believe you're going to go where I want to go.
I agree, just go with the actual words said to you. he was telling you that if you want to, he was willing to please your request. He did not state that he didn't want to, but if we gotta go he will appease you despite his not wanting to go.
That is just too much spin for a guy to do.
I think it was a case of your emotions tripping up your rational thought process.
To put it bluntly, it seems to many men, that it is NEVER enough for women to merely GET what they want. They have to get it:
- when they want it
- in the exact form they want it
- by the exact means
- for the exact reasons.
OMG we are freggin crazy aren't we?This use to be a big problem for us too because my husband, - would always wait for my response and decide depending on what i chose.LOL! Yeah it would annoy me to no end because i wanted him to be the one to make a suggestion for once! Uggg the crap people argue about....
---Stop trying to interpret something he isn't saying - go with what he *does* say and what you want.---
I agree! Many women I know like to extrapolate, and its one of the fastest and most effective ways to:
- Start a fight
- Miss out on what could have actually been nice.
- Build resent
- Encourage your partner to keep his mouth shut, because you'll just get bent out of shape no matter what.
and the list goes on.
To put it bluntly, it seems to many men, that it is NEVER enough for women to merely GET what they want. They have to get it:
- when they want it
- in the exact form they want it
- by the exact means
- for the exact reasons.
In other words, in your example, it is not enough for your husband to agree to go out to dinner. He has to truly want, without being asked, to go to that seafood place you went to 3 octobers ago when you got promoted at work, and he has to wear the new shirt you got him last weekend that you think he'll look dashing in (also because he WANTS to wear it and ALSO thinks he looks good in it), and he has to order those cilantro-butter prawns for an appetizer with "2 forks, so we can share".
Get real! (said with well-wishes and respect)
Also, who is "the planner"? If you have always been the planner, maybe you guys have settled into roles. I'm not saying you shouldn't want to be taken care of once in a while, but some people are just not initiative-takers.
---would not take a firm stand on something and would waffle depending on my husband's response. Apparently that drove him nuts - so I stopped and just said what I wanted and we were both happier in that situation.---
Dude, I SOOOO agree here!
If I ask a question, and you defer to me, I wonder if you are only doing that to avoid the responsibility (or blame if something goes wrong) of having to answer.
But I also got so sick of wafflers, that I finally took it as an opportunity to get what I want. If I'm trying to plan something, and everyone says "wherever" or especially "whatever you want", you better believe you're going to go where I want to go.
I think you have some strong feelings about something very silly. My issue was simple that i could have asked him what he wanted to do and he would say "whatever you want to do" which is nice but of course you do like you husband/wife to tell you what they want also. I have a guy friend in the same situation with his wife and they've been married for over 15 yrs. He says that its a real disappointment but things balance out where he sometimes doesn't give her the support she needs or doesn't address things in the way she would like.
---or doesn't address things in the way she would like---
But this really is the root of the problem, and in a way it proves what I said earlier. Just because he doesn't address it the way you want should not reasonably diminish the fact that its still what you want.
In the exchange you described in your original post, it sounded like you want to go to dinner, and he was going along with it.
But it turned into a fight because you chose to focus on how he agreed instead of just being happy with the fact that he is giving you what you want.
A similar, and somewhat crude parallel: I was thinking it would be really awesome if my gf one day just came into the room, got on her knees, and said "I need your d*** in my mouth right this second". That would... well rock! But I am not going to get mad at her every time she comes into the room, but does not say that. Plus, if we ARE getting intimate, I am not going to harbor resentment that she didn't go about it the exact way I wanted.
Now you might sit there and say "he's crazy! Its not like that" but you know what, in a way, it IS. She's her own person and I don't expect her to magically know (or obey, even if I've told her) every one of my strange wishes. Sometimes the effort has to be recognized for what it is, not what it isn't. People whose efforts go unappreciated eventually stop trying.
I'm not trying to be crude here, and maybe its a bit extreme, but that is what I feel when I hear stories like this. The glass can be half full, really it can.
---or doesn't address things in the way she would like---
But this really is the root of the problem, and in a way it proves what I said earlier. Just because he doesn't address it the way you want should not reasonably diminish the fact that its still what you want.
In the exchange you described in your original post, it sounded like you want to go to dinner, and he was going along with it.
But it turned into a fight because you chose to focus on how he agreed instead of just being happy with the fact that he is giving you what you want.
A similar, and somewhat crude parallel: I was thinking it would be really awesome if my gf one day just came into the room, got on her knees, and said "I need your d*** in my mouth right this second". That would... well rock! But I am not going to get mad at her every time she comes into the room, but does not say that. Plus, if we ARE getting intimate, I am not going to harbor resentment that she didn't go about it the exact way I wanted.
Now you might sit there and say "he's crazy! Its not like that" but you know what, in a way, it IS. She's her own person and I don't expect her to magically know (or obey, even if I've told her) every one of my strange wishes. Sometimes the effort has to be recognized for what it is, not what it isn't. People whose efforts go unappreciated eventually stop trying.
I'm not trying to be crude here, and maybe its a bit extreme, but that is what I feel when I hear stories like this.The glass can be half full, really it can.
I think you hit the nail right on the head here....
The funny thing is this is something i actually tried in hopes that it would somehow make him want to be a little more "spontaneous" and daring! Of course, it didn't change him into Mr.Spontaneity like i was "expecting" it would, and so i started to think that maybe it was because he wasn't physically attracted to me?
But the truth is, it never occurred to me that he just wasn't like that because he is "his own person"! Its incredible how irrational some of our thoughts can be sometimes.
Monkey see monkey do
agree with MT up there.
